Sometimes the lie is the only truth that can ever be.

-Sweet_Sultana

* * *

When my walk led me down to the path we had once met with Aman, I simply let my feet move in the directions of my heart like I've done in the last three months.

I know! I am pathetic! However I couldn't help myself.

Walking down this path every once in a while had also been therapeutic for me even if at first it was because if I tried enough, I could picture Aman there, or at least his eighteen- year old version. However now, I  come here, not because I was hoping to find him here, but it was the place I chose to be my escape from an inescapable reality.

With my mind down, I continued to move through it all, reliving all that had transpired between us on the last day we had met each other. I kept my distance, however, whenever I came to the exact spot we'd met; that was until today.

But after a few more minutes of lingering, I stood up and with my head down, I walked slowly out of the place, or rather I was until I ran into something big and solid.

When I looked up, he was standing there, in front of me, staring right at me, but his face gave nothing away. I took three steps backwards, shocked from the impact of this unexpected meeting

He blinked. I blinked. There was silence.

“Aman," I finally said.

“Reima," he replied.

As soon as his smooth voice fell on my ears, all the nails to my heart began to unscrew themselves but today, I hated this weakness he evoked in me.

I looked him up again from head to toe, he looked taller than I remembered. There wasn't much of the broken man I had met and came to love in him anymore. The man in front of me was more confident, and he smiled a lot, and he seemed genuinely happy to see me though considering the last we saw each other, I had promised never to see him again.

It was too bad I wasn't ecstatic about meeting him. It was just bad timing. And so I quickly said my bye and walked away.

He followed me though and without taking his eyes off me, he asked, "Can you give me a minute, Reima?"

I nodded my head and leaned against the closest tree I could find; I don't think my legs can take me on any longer, and just as if that wasn't enough, I couldn't find my voice either.

He crossed his arms over his chest and rested his back against the tree directly opposite mine.

His lips were flat, his expression inscrutable, but his eyes seem to be searching mine for something. I don't think I liked being stared at almost like some laboratory specimen, so I cleared my throat

"What do you want from me?" I asked.

"Nothing, just talk."

"We have nothing to talk about, last I checked,"

He grinned and I found myself wondering what was funny about what I had just said?

"I'm listening," I quipped.

He jerked his head back and scowled. How could he just stand there and pretend not to understand why I would be angry?

"Yes. . ." I urged but couldn't find the right words to continue.

"Yes, what?" Now he looked amused.

"What do we need to talk about?" I said finally.

Something changed in his eyes, and then his expression went back to that same inscrutable look. It's been a long time we saw each other and the last memory we shared wasn't exactly a box of sweets. He looked past me toward the road that led to our spot, almost indifferent, like he didn't want to be here, like he wanted to leave.

Don't cry, Reima. It's not your fault he didn't think you are worth waiting for.

"I apologized for my deceit," he began softly. "It was your prerogative to forgive but you hadn't. Or have you?"

I frowned deeply, ignoring him. What nerve he has showing up out of the blue and making demands. Typical Aman.

"Did you read the letters I sent you?"

"Yes,"

There was no point in denying it. I had devoured his words hungrily finding in them the much needed strength I had to pull myself together. They had ultimately became my muse for writing those letters.

...Help me find my way back to you. Please. I have promised myself not to write again if you don't reply. I need to find a way to move on.

This was what he wrote in his last letter, at least the last one I read, he had sent one a day after his engagement announcement which still lay unopened in its envelope and true to his words, he never turned back, not even once.

I had wanted to, even tried to, write him back, but I couldn't forgive him. I wasn't ready to, not after what I had read in his letters but the decision was taken out of my hands November ending when he admitted to the entire world he was getting married. 

"Did you read them all?"

"I read enough."

"Why didn't you read them all? That's not like you."

"You don't know me, Aman." He winced. "We met for roughly three days and I haven't seen you in three months, that's an ample amount of time for someone to change."

He just shook his head. I still couldn't read his expression and trust me, it wasn't because of lack of trying. I wanted desperately to know what was swimming in his head right now.

"This isn't how I envisioned our meeting to be,"

"Yeah well, life doesn't always go the way we want it to," I shot back

There were another several moments of awkward silence. I wanted so desperately to hide somewhere or just simply run away yet Aman didn't seem the least bit ruffled, and aside from that moment of confusion, he just remained cold and impassive.

I looked him up and down, he really was very different from the man he was a few months back.

"I have to go," I said. I felt frustrated by his demeanour and wanted very much to just chew him off.

He frowned. "Do you have to?"

"I have a date," I  started to turn and walk away, but he grabbed my arm and spun me around. It was so unexpected that I gasped from sheer fright.

"You have a boyfriend?" He asked with a softness that made me shiver.

There was something in his voice that made me look up to his face and when our eyes met, I could hardly believe how fast they had changed colours. It was blazing red, but apart from that, there was no change in his expression.

"You have a fiancée," I fired back

Aman squared his jaw, and I could see the muscles in his face flexing. "Marry me and forget him," he said with no trace of emotion.

I actually laughed. What a day! "This is a strange moment to propose, don't you think?"

"It's actually not. This is what I've wanted to ask ever since we met,"

"No," I said without hesitation.

He looked up strangely at me, as if he wasn't expecting such an answer. I guess that is what you'll expect from a man who was never said no to but what was he expecting anyway?

"Why won't you marry me?"

I was ready to end the conversation. I really don't have time for this. "I need to go, Aman." Suddenly not feeling well. I need to go home and somehow recover from this crazy day.

"Fine." He conceded "-but on one condition, will you please meet me here tomorrow?"

I huffed, and he shook his head. "Please, Reima. Just meet me here tomorrow. Lets talk when we've both calmed down."

"Okay," I said after another a long, deep breath. It was closure I wanted and hopefully, closure I would get tomorrow.

"I'm really glad I found you here today. I had spent my whole flight back home wondering how I would begin my search for you. I guess fate was really on my side." He chuckled and then walked away.

What an asshole!  Look for me? Who was he kidding?

A wave of nausea hit me as soon as he left and I rested my head on the tree trunk for I felt my knees go weak. Tears ran unabashedly down my cheeks as I tried desperately to regain some control. I didn't want him to leave but I didn't want that cold proposal either. It made me sick, like literally.

I heaved once and knelt down on the ground as I purged the entire contents of my stomach in one stream of vomit, which was mostly water; I can't remember when last I ate any solid food I put my hands on my knees and tried to catch my breath.

After a few more minutes, I felt well enough to head home.

He'd asked to see me tomorrow, but I didn't want to see him anymore. It was too much for me to sink in. I needed time. It was also true that I wanted closure, but I wasn't sure he deserved that right. I owed him nothing.

On getting home though, I found myself wanting to read the letters again, and so I grabbed a cup of coffee and delved in.

|Letter 7|

Captain,

         My therapist said that I needed to understand and own my choices. That it was important for me to know why I left you since it was obvious I was still in love with you. And so, I went back to the beginning, to how it all began.

           We've known each other since I was twelve however we hadn't existed for one another until I was sixteen and even then it was more of a hate relationship. You had then exited my life completely just when I was beginning to see you in a different light and reappeared when I was twenty-three. What happened next though was something I don't quite understand. 

         However, the next ten years of my life was then spent with you as my husband and God were they blissful? I never thought that we would someday get here; straddling between strangers and complete strangers. And yet here we are.

        And I still can't figure out how we got here or the way forward from here. What do I do? I need you to tell me. You were after all very good at telling me what to do.

Waiting,
M.