We don't lie because it's easy, we lie because it saves us from pain and hopefully, it will buy us time to heal.

-Sweet_Sultana

* * *

WHEN I WOKE up, my mum was not home and Jabir and Hanna had both left me a message.

I looked at Hannah's first;

Don't forget about our date. I'll pick you up at eight

PS:
Put on something nice puh_lease

Smiling, I opened Jabir's

Leaving for Katsina. Something urgent came up. I love you.

Wondering what was so urgent he had to leave immediately, I dialled his number but after three trials and being told his number was unreachable at the moment, I settled on a text message.

Stay safe. I'll miss you.

Pressing the send button, I held on the phone a bit longer. I couldn't help but feel worried.

Whenever Jabir goes home, he always returned depressed. His family had a way of sucking out the joy from his life.

Feeling angry and knowing how helpless I was, I hissed and walked to the kitchen suddenly craving Caffeine.

* * *

As I watch the machine hiss into life, I couldn't help it when my mind wandered off. It seems to have a mind of its own lately.

It was the same thought over and over again;Death, gone and new beginnings, in other words, Irrfan, Aman and Jabir.

I know most people wouldn't understand the depths of my pain for they couldn't fathom how meeting someone for just three days can cause this much pain and anguish but I know in a relationship, it isn't the length that matters, it was the weight and when you've gambled everything you had and lost, there was no exact words to define what you are going through.

Moreover, I hadn't just  gambled on commitments, I had also confronted my most distressing nightmares.

However at this moment, it was the memory of last night that was flooding back unchecked. I suddenly felt hollow, but that empty feeling was too much for me to confront in the blazing light of the day. It was too much.

And so I quickly grabbed a cup of my hot and steaming coffee and went back to where at least I didn't have to think; reading my book.

I know reading the letters wasn't exactly healing me, reliving the pain, however,  was helping to kick start the process in some way.

|Letter 5|

Captain,

            I am not happy, Captain. And I don't know what's worst-the fact that you are still swimming in my thoughts or the fact that I couldn't trust myself with you. What do I do? Believe me I never wished this upon us, and my unhappiness isn't some kind of choice of mine. It simply happened that way. 

            I'm sorry if I seem selfish or maybe heartless even, perhaps I am both and much more. However, I can't seem to stop missing you or wishing you were here. Like how this morning, like the morning I had left, I had laid on the bed for hours with my phone in my hand staring listlessly at your number. I wanted so much to call that it had taken every nerve in my body to restrain myself. It was something I had always done, pulled a white flag first regardless of who was at fault. A bad habit. However one I vowed to rid myself. I had however, kept on praying, wishing you'd call instead and give me an excuse to talk to you, but like all the times when I needed you the most, the timing was always wrong.

         And so I did something strange.

        Do you remember how you used to pester me to explore the social media more? There must be a place for writers like you, you had always argued. Well, I finally did. I went to the play store,  typed writers app, and I was crowded by a lot of choices.  I chose one called 'wattpad', I don't know why but the name translates nicely,  "power measuring path" and sounded like something I needed,  'power'

        I downloaded the app and filled in my details. There was one place I'd however have problem filling - username. Apparently it was supposed to be the name people in here would know as me. It hit me then. This was my second chance. In here, I could be anyone I want to be. It doesn't matter if I was broken, scarred or tainted. In here I can be me.

            Perhaps that's why I didn't change my name. I had realised that my name is my username; the name I wanted everyone to know me with- Maryam .M. Maishadda.

          Captain, it is a universe out there; a haven for writing and reading and everything in between. It was overwhelming. It was like being in an infinite galaxy of books. It feels inexhaustible.  I was exhilarated.  And scared. It seemed unlikely that someone would notice me. I feared no one would read my story; there's a never ending pool of books in here.

        However I was determined to finally free myself from the cancer of words clutching my being. Maybe that was why without as much as a second thought, I scribbled the first chapter of my story and published it. I named it 'Ask me again'. If someday you have time,  I'll want you to read it. It will contain the story which was supposed to be ours.

             I guess what I am trying to say was I miss you. I miss us. I don't even think I can ever forget you. I still cannot understand how I can survive without you.  But that's the oddity of the human heart. The thing about you is that you were simply crazy. You easily get drunk on love, just like the pages of those literatures you clearly adored but you build these absurd walls around your heart and never let anyone close enough to poke them. But loving you was easy; one couldn't help but fall, just like I did. For it was easy to become addicted with you like one becomes with opium.

           But addictions, like love, are made of needs and uncertainties, even if their course differed; they are all a sort of painkillers, a sort of escape. But nevertheless, painkillers can only do so much. They can momentarily make you forget all the pains but they can't fill the void left in the heart or the gripping loneliness waiting open arms.

           I guess I'm still in denial over the truth that it was over between us- we both know I was never good with the truth, because the truth was a reality I never want to accept. Maybe it was because I've always nursed this hope of better people out there, better days ahead and a love which was more deserving. But someplace deep inside of me, I've always known that wasn't always the truth. The better people might also be the ones drifting apart from us right now and the better day might actually be today. And love, what if we never get to feel the way we do right now? It all boils down to the fact that we weren't enough at the end of the day.

         Someday, hopefully,  I'll be able to make sense of it all. Someday, the pain would heal-even though I don't think I'll completely heal. And some day, my umbrella would find me and thoughts of you would become like whispers in the wind and missing you wouldn't feel like my heart was being chopped off with an axe.  For now, I'll keep on enduring the rain like the strange rhythm of my dissonant heart. I hope that someday you will as well.

With love,

Maryam Muhammad Maishadda.

|Letter 6|

Captain,

        I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH. YOU KNEW, ASSHOLE, YOU ALWAYS KNEW. GOD, HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND? I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM HAVING MANY A SLEEPLESS NIGHT BECAUSE OF YOU.

           Do you remember what you said to me when I asked you to promise me you'll always be with me? You had kneeled in front of me and took my hands into yours with your eyes staring deep into my soul and said;

           "I will...be there, on days where love seems not enough and the pain casts a shadow over us. I will be there, when the tears wouldn't stop and nightmares plague your dreams. I will be there, when hope seems futile and faith a mere excuse. I will be there, when you regret beginning such a dangerous adventure with me. I will be there, when you grow weary of carrying life's burden. I'll be there, when you feel as though you can't go on and wish to raise your hand in surrender. I will be there, when you feel frustrated that what's in front of you is beyond your capabilities. And even if, we someday decided to part ways, having to face defeat for a love which we couldn't nurture properly, I will be there, beside you, I will be. So I want you to enjoy these moments now with all your heart and all your strength, and not live in fear for a tomorrow which isn't even here, because moments like these, may never come again."

          At that time, I had smiled; glad to have someone as great as you by my side. "You will always be there." That was enough for me, or so I thought.

         But even then, you had been cruel. How couldn't you, even once, promise me tomorrow? How can you declare a love beyond reasonable doubt and yet speak about it maybe failing in one breath? But you were always this cruel, aren't you? The cruellest kind person I've ever met in my life.

       I think I can understand those words better now. These weren't promises of a forever love or even that of a better tomorrow. It is a declaration of faith...of hope...of trust...of love, not of an uncertain tomorrow or a regretful yesterday, but of a today, a now, this precious moment currently passing by, filled with endless possibilities and infinities.

        You've always been true, right from the beginning; you've always been upright about your feelings, about your truth. It was always today with you. Yes! I get it. Today was all that mattered to you-as it should be, and it was always enough, always right and always true.

        "There, beside you, I'll be." You said and not even once, have you failed in that. You were always there for me, even though most times I didn't understand why, but you've always been. And even though I had resented you for that, I had always been grateful. I guess you are someone I would always feel sorry for...always be thankful for...always be

         A love that couldn't be nurtured, I guess that's us. Somehow, we lost the rain to make it grow or was it the sun?

Maryam Muhammad Maishadda

I gulped down the coffee in one go and closed the book. It wasn't helping me much right now and I needed to be sane enough to have fun with my friend later on.

What I need right now is a bath and a long walk yes, that was exactly what I need right now. I thought as I got ready for a hot bath and a very long, long walk.

A long walk to sanity; hopefully.