CHAPTER SIXTEEN

DAY 2,
22nd September, 2016
5:43pm

WHEN AMAN had said he had a secret that would make me hate him forever I couldn't help but think that an impossibility. It was true that I dislike him but I never truly hated him. He simply exasperated me. Maybe that was why a part of me was still in denial. Aman, a cold-blooded murderer, what kind of rubbish was that?

How can he be a murderer? How can he be the one who MURDERED my father? No, please God! NO! My angel can't be my proverbial devil in disguise. Please God! Not him!

And yet a glance at his eyes confirmed it all. It was there, the unwanted truth swimming unabashedly amidst the regret lining his pupils.

"Your dad," Aman was saying, "-was the judge for my case. I had caused an accident which had resulted in the deaths of eighteen bus passengers. The bus had tumbled over from the unexpected impact as it did everything possible to evade me, but it hadn't seen the trailer which was fast approaching and had been hit hard again until it had finally caught fire. Eighteen people were roasted alive that day because of my immature mind and I hated myself for that. I have regretted my decision to run away with the car that day a billion times but I know it would never change the fact I had killed those people or that I was a murderer. I had killed eighteen people." He paused shutting his eyes as if that would somehow shut out the pain the memory evoked. His face looked tortured and scared and pained.

He looked broken!

And I wasn't understanding anything. I simply sat there, listening and staring, but nothing. I don't know what it was I was feeling or even what was it I was supposed to feel. Everything felt far, and numb, and voidless.

After a few more moments, he went on. "My father paid the diyya for the people I killed except for one family. An orphaned girl whose dad was among the passengers. He was her only surviving family having lost her mother at childbirth. She refused money for her dad. She simply wanted justice and couldn't be persuaded." He took in a labored breath as he stared deep into my eyes as if in search of some kind of redemption. I don't know if he did but he went on nevertheless. "I had hoped to meet the girl and at least ask for her forgiveness, but my father wouldn't let me. To him, she was insignificant, one of the millions who should cower in front of the business tycoon Hassan Jibo, but she hadn't and my dad wouldn't budge despite all my pleadings. I had begged him to let them punish me as the law dictates. It was at this stage that your dad took the case."

My heart skipped in fright and I could feel it jerking erratically.

"Your dad," he stared briefly at me. "-was a very principled and incorruptible man, and the fact that he was a billionaire heir himself makes him impossible to bribe. And unfortunately for my dad, he was also relentless; once he bites, he chews it completely, regardless. What your dad however didn't know was that my dad had a very big secret, one he would protect no matter what. And that secret would eventually cost your dad his life." His voice cracked and he looked away.

I looked at him. He had his eyes shut and tears rolling down his dimpled cheeks shamelessly. Seeing him cry made me realise how much broken he really was. He'd hardly let his guard down ever since we met but there had always been a darkness loitering around him, an engulfing emptiness clouding his soul. Who would have believed that darkness was all guilt and remorse? I thought it regret and the pain of loss.

He is a murderer, Reima. Don't let him deceive you. A good person wouldn't leave a dead man on the road side. Hell, a good person wouldn't kill a person

I felt a crushing pain course through my heart. It was so devastatingly painful that I had to place a hand on my heart just to at least minimise the impact. And in that moment, I couldn't help but wonder if this wasn't the end for me. I kept on praying however and moments later, I felt the pain began to wane slowly away; I was beginning to feel better.

Aman, however, didn't seem to notice my discomfort. Not that I was blaming him, he was out of sorts anyway. I stood up abruptly unable to listen anymore. I suddenly didn't want to know the truth. It all made sense now. The dead ends, the endless loops during the investigation.

Everything!

And I hated the me who didn't know what she was feeling right now.

I know I should hate him but all I was feeling was sadness, the heart numbing kind and for those endless seconds I stood there undecided, Aman didn't say or do anything. He seem lost, as if drowning in a sea of nothingness. He seemed sad too. However I was too distraught to care. I was sinking horribly fast too and was in need of saving too.

It seemed almost unbelievable that two days ago I had thought of telling him about the book I had read the night before. But instead, here we are, on the verge of breaking down, completely fenced in by an eruption as venomous and deadly as a volcano. We were literally dying, crashing under a wave of a nightmarish truth.

However I find myself wishing he'd tell me it was all a joke, a lame, stupid joke and that nothing was real like in the movie matrix, everything was just an illusion, and like Neo, I was hoping I would be given a red and blue pills to choose from. I wished we were talking about something else. Something nice.

I wish this was a tell-me-your-story-kindof-story. The kind he'd ask me to tell him mine at the end. There's just so much I would have like to tell him; writing a book, my favourite book and all the things I wish I could have and after I got through telling him about my life, I would like to ask him about his.

It would have been nice, to finally know each other. Not because I was trying to be cool or relate to him, no. It's just that after my dad, I think he's the one person who could understand.

Apparently not! He is a murderer, not just that, he killed my father. Murderer, Aman is a murderer, murderer!

I tried to think of something else, but again, I just couldn't. It was all faraway at the moment. Somewhere inaccessible, somewhere lost in time. I wondered if it was his silence that made me shut down. I wondered if there was something I was missing in this estrangement. I just couldn't get the sound of his broken soul of my mind.

After a while though, I turned on him.

"Why are you telling me all this, Aman? Why now?"

He didn't answer right away. He just kind of looked broken under the evening sky.

"Aman?" I coerced softly. I feared if my voice was even a bit higher, I would lose my mind for I feared the sound of my voice.

He kept quiet for a while, as if mulling his decision to whether tell me or not. I guess I must have failed in whatever criteria he'd used in measuring my worth for he'd simply said maybe someday and then walked away.

I sat there lacking the motivation to follow him. I simply sat there for almost twenty or so minutes. I don't remember exactly how long. I just sat there. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I guess it makes sense why not. However everything was a blur. I didn't know what or how I was feeling. I was just there, and nothing.

I felt lost!

And then I went and did something stupid. Well, not entirely stupid, but it sure felt like the best decision at the moment or atleast the safest;

I ran away!

* * *

48 hours earlier,

"NOTHING!"

I stared listlessly at him, numbed by his declaration and for what felt like an eternity, Aman didn't utter another word. It was as if he felt that one word had answered my questions and was enough to tidy whatever wayward thoughts that was littering my mind these past few days.

However, it hadn't. If anything, it had simply plunged me deeper into my tumultuous sea of thoughts that had almost drowned me a few seconds ago. Now, I feel like I'm quickly running out of air.

However minutes later, I began contemplating what to say. The silence was suddenly strangling and my curious mind was all but killing me. I was waiting for him to tell me something, anything, but from the looks of things, it looks as if he hadn't relented.

"We've rested enough," his voice slithered through my almost combustible thoughts. "It's getting late, let's move on. "

I watched him stand, dusting off the debris that clung to him unaffected by the raging storm clouding over my mind and because it seemed like he was honestly oblivious of my state made my anger quadrupled. He has no right. He should know that I swam in an ocean of loss, of an unreal reality and the way I saw it, he should know better than to expect me to follow him blindly again.

Yes, I was going nowhere, not until he filled the gaps on whatever the hell I was doing here.

Enough bullshit! I was determined. And with my new found courage, I laid there with no intention whatsoever to leave.

"Rei, I'm talking to you."

I turned my back on him, snoring loudly. I could care less what he thought about me. I thought he'd say something again or perhaps give in, just let the cat out of the bag, wishful thinking, yes, I know. But Aman, being Aman, simply turned on his heels and began to walk away.

"Aman?" I called. He stopped and looked at me, but he didn't say anything.

"Have you seen that movie, city of angels?" I asked

He didn't answer right away. He just kept looking strangely at me."No, why?"

"It was about an angel who fell in love with a human and ended up losing his wings."

"That's sad."

"Maybe," I shrugged, "But he was happy he did. Funny but he kind of reminds me of you."

"Me?" He pointed at himself.

"Yes, you."

"But I'm no angel." He scoffed.

"Yes, but it seems you no longer have your wings either."

"Maybe," He admitted reluctantly after minutes of silence and stare-me-downs.

I wanted to ask him what his "maybe" meant but I didn't want to be too personal, and I didn't want to dig deep and it suddenly didn't feel right. However, I really wanted to know. I wish he'll just tell about his everything. I really wished he'd trust me.

Nevertheless with that, he kept quiet and after a few seconds of hesitation, he walked away and didn't turn back, not even once.

At first I was shocked, I never knew he could leave me behind and I was scared, I don't know if I can survive without him here, courtesy of having no idea where the hell I was. However I refuse to accept defeat easily. If he wouldn't back down, I won't either.

I definitely won't!

* *

I must have laid there for a long period of time because when Aman had found me eventually, the moon had risen and the sky was littered gloriously with stars. I had been very scared and was almost on the verge of tears, shed a few already. I had even thought about calling out to him but I didn't because despite the fear, I still wanted to know the truth. I kept thinking one more minute, one more minute and he'd come back, I know he will and eventually he did. My relief knew no bounds but I pretended I didn't care, he didn't need to know.

He clapped his hands very loudly startling me back from my pretend slumber. I looked up at him and he was also looking at me with a strange curious expression. I couldn't take my eyes off him. My heart was beating really fast, and I was starting to get nervous. I pretend a yawn and sat down.

"I knew I would find you here." He smiled. It was as if I was meeting a different person

"And why is that?" I found myself asking before I could stop myself. Damn his eyes, they sure have become my weakness.

"Fate!" He said simply, with his eyes burrowing into mine. I was lost in their depths.

"Fate, ha?" I smiled reluctantly evading his gaze.

He laughed and sat where he had earlier on.

"I want to tell you a story."

"I'm sorry, but I really don't like stories." I said staring at the sky. The moon was magnificent overcast. Especially not yours, I was tempted to add, but I kept quiet. It was all surreal anyway.

"It won't be long, I promise,"

I looked at him as if I pondering before I shook my head. "No, Aman. I don't want to listen to your story. "

"Okay. Let's play a game."

I bit my lip, trying to maintain serenity. He was playing with me. "Why should I?"

"You said you wanted the truth."

"What has that got to do with a story or a game?"

"Why don't you humour me then? Who knows, the truth might be in there somewhere."

I stared at him for what felt like eternity trying to solve the mystery that he was but I simply got more confused; his eyes seem to be trying to tell me something desperately however his lips maintained silence.

"Fine, I'll play. Rules?"

"Two truths, one lie. If you guess the lie correctly, I'll answer whatever questions you have. "

"Fair enough,"

"Good. Let's begin then. One. I have never met your father," he held up his finger in counting, "-two. I never knew your mother and three," he stared strangely at me."-you never slept with your boyfriend."

"What?" I glared at him. He was however staring accusingly at me as if I did something unforgivable, which was strange considering I did nothing worth the hatred awash his eyes. And for the first time since we met, he frightened me.

"Or should I say your first love," he scoffed and I scowled deeply at him."Well, it's true, isn't it? The poor man even took a bullet for you, but I guess you'll know better. He died in your arms."

His unexpected taunt had my heart banging furiously against its cage. How did he know about Irrfan?

"What do you know about Irrfan?" I asked unable to curb my curiosity.

He scoffed staring disdainfully at me.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?" I shrieked, no longer caring if I sounded or even look like a mad woman. The man can make a nun swear with his infuriating silence.

"Me?" He pointed at himself smiling smugly, "I pulled the trigger that killed him."