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IRL!
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↳ ❝ DO YOU THINK SHE'LL BE ABLE TO TELL THAT I'M SCARED SHITLESS? ❞

Chris had royally fucked up. The moment the words, "I don't know, Lovette," slipped out of his mouth, he knew he had made a grave mistake. The sight of her crumpled face only confirmed his assumption. Guilt surged through him, intensified by the sound of her closing his door.

God, he was a fucking idiot.

"How bad was it?" Kalani asked, her face appearing on the Facetime call.

The triplets had connected with Kalani through their manager, Laura. While they were influencers, she was an actress, signed to Zstardigital. Despite the difference in their careers, they had formed a fast friendship. Kalani seemed to click with each triplet in her own unique way.

"Bad," Chris replied simply, his mind still haunted by that evening with Lovette.

"On a scale from 1-10? 10 being the worst," Kalani inquired.

Chris let out a sigh, running his hands through his hair. "Fifteen."

"Jesus, Chris, what did you say to her?"

And so, Chris recounted the moment, cringing at his mishandling of the situation. He genuinely liked Lovette. He wanted to be with her, but his words had carelessly revealed the turbulence within his own mind.

Kalani sighed, pausing to gather her thoughts. "Why are you so afraid of having a girlfriend?"

The question made Chris purse his lips. He had never verbalized the reason before, often masking it with jokes to dismiss any deeper discussion.

"I don't know," Chris shrugged, a touch of vulnerability creeping into his voice. "I'm only 19, for one. And I guess the only people who really know me are Matt and Nick. They know my flaws, and they love me anyway because they're my brothers. I don't know if she'd feel the same way about me if she knew me like they do."

Kalani listened attentively, her eyes focused on Chris. "I had the same fear when I was with my last girlfriend. I understand how scary it can be, but you have to realize that not everyone will run away from you just because they know your flaws. You can let yourself be seen by her."

Chris fidgeted in his seat, trying to absorb her words. The idea that someone could truly accept him, flaws and all, was both comforting and scary as hell.

"How did you deal with it?" Chris asked, his voice filled with curiosity and a glimmer of hope.

"I had to learn to be vulnerable with her, instead of simply being open," Kalani explained. "People often confuse the two, but they're not the same at all. Being open is about sharing facts, there's no emotional risk involved. You need to be vulnerable with her. Talk to her about it. Share your fears and concerns."

Chris leaned back in his chair. "Do you think she'll be able to tell that I'm scared shitless?"

Kalani smiled softly, recognizing the depth of his fears. "Sometimes being scared shitless means that we care, that we're invested. And trust me, when someone cares about you, it won't scare them away. It draws them closer because it's real."

Kalani continued, her voice gentle yet firm. "Show Lovette the parts of you that scare you the most, and you might just discover that she's scared too, but maybe you can face those fears head-on."

A flicker of determination sparked in Chris's eyes. He took a deep breath, finding comfort in Kalani's words. It was time to shed his inhibitions and take a chance.

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As weeks passed since that fateful conversation with Chris, Lovette found herself trapped in an emotional limbo. Part of her wanted to confront the situation, to address the hurt and confusion that swirled within her, but another part yearned for numbness, a way to avoid the pain altogether. So, she chose the latter, building a metaphorical tourniquet around her emotions. In this state of emotional hibernation, she believed she wouldn't need anyone, and that she could protect herself from further heartache.

Focusing on her college work became her refuge. The academic challenges provided a temporary distraction, allowing her to bury the thoughts of Chris and their unresolved feelings. While she wasn't fully ready to step back onto the ice just yet, she couldn't deny her love for figure skating, a passion deeply rooted in the art of dance. So instead, she decided to take ballet classes, embracing the grace and discipline of this art form, finding comfort in the rhythm of movements that mirrored her emotional dance.

Amidst the barre exercises and pirouettes, Lovette discovered a way to express herself without words. The ballet studio became her sanctuary, where the music intertwined with her every movement, helping her release the pent-up emotions she kept hidden from the world. Each plié and arabesque seemed to loosen the tourniquet slightly, allowing a trickle of feelings to seep through the cracks.

Yet, Lovette remained cautious, not daring to fully unleash her emotions. She was afraid of the floodgates bursting open, drowning her in the torrent of pain and vulnerability. So, she clung to the numbness, believing it was her shield, her armour against heartache.

She couldn't help but wonder if she was making the right choice. Should she confront Chris and lay her heart bare again, risking rejection and disappointment? Or was it wiser to stay cocooned in numbness, safe from the unpredictable world of emotions?

The tourniquet of emotional expression tightened around Lovette's heart as she grappled with these conflicting thoughts. But fate had a different plan in mind, as she found Chris standing on her porch, his nervous pacing a mirror of his own fears. Lovette sighed, switching off her car engine, unsure if she was mentally prepared to face him. Adjusting the duffle bag in her hands, she cautiously ascended the steps.

"Hi," Chris began, his voice tinged with uncertainty.

Lovette eyed him carefully, the weight of their past interactions still lingering in her gaze. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you," he said, his eyes pleading for understanding, desperate to be given a chance to explain himself.

Lovette opened the door, gesturing for him to come inside. "It's cold out. I don't want you to freeze."

Her words echoed the memory of that chilly November day when he had selflessly given her his jacket. Chris stepped inside, his hands finding refuge in his jacket pockets, while Lovette closed the door behind them. There was an expectant silence, filled with unspoken words, as she waited for him to speak.

"I lied to you before," Chris began, his voice carrying a mix of regret and vulnerability.

As Lovette's face set into a frown, he hurriedly added, "I lied to you about not knowing if I want to be with you. The truth is, I do. I really do, Lovie."

Her brow furrowed in confusion, searching for answers amidst the tangled mess of emotions. "Then why did you say 'I don't know'?"

Chris looked down, his voice barely above a whisper, "I'm scared."

The admission hung in the air, heavy with the weight of his fear and uncertainty. At that moment, the tourniquet that had held Lovette's emotions at bay loosened slightly, allowing a glimmer of hope to seep through the cracks. She took a deep breath, summoning the courage to navigate the treacherous terrain of their emotions.

"Tell me," Lovette said softly, "What are you scared of?"

Chris hesitated for a moment, his eyes flickering between Lovette's face and the floor. He gathered his thoughts, feeling the weight of vulnerability as he finally found the courage to speak.

"Getting close to someone platonically is easy," Chris began, his voice shaking with the rawness of his emotions. "Friendships can fade, and I always have my brothers to fall back on. But it's the romantic level that scares me. Allowing someone to truly know me in that way, and then having the possibility of them just leaving... That's what scares me the most."

Lovette's heart sank at his words, understanding the depth of his fear and the walls he had built around himself. She had felt the weight of his absence, the void left by his indecisiveness, and now she realized the weight of his own internal struggles. A part of her wanted to lash out, to let her own pain take control, but she fought against it, choosing empathy instead.

"I understand," she replied, her voice gentle yet filled with her own vulnerability. "But Chris, you have to understand that being in a relationship means taking risks. It means opening yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt."

Chris looked up at her, his eyes filled with a mixture of remorse and longing. Taking a tentative step forward, he met her gaze, his voice trembling with sincerity. "I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to make you feel like you're not important to me."

Feeling overwhelmed, Lovette took a step back, creating a small space between them. Their eyes remained locked, conveying a moment of shared understanding. "But you did hurt me, Chris. I can't deny that it hurt. It hurt a lot."

"I'm sorry," Chris breathed, his voice tinged with resignation, as if he believed his words and actions had sealed their fate. He moved to reach for the door, ready to accept the consequences of his indecision.

But just as his hand was about to grasp the handle, he felt Lovette's fingers intertwine with his. The touch, so delicate yet firm, sent a shiver of hope coursing through his veins. He turned to look at her, his eyes meeting hers.

"That doesn't mean you have to leave," she whispered softly, her voice carrying a tenderness that melted his defences.

Chris's gaze dropped, his attention drawn to the firefly charm resting gracefully on Lovette's sternum. Its subtle glow seemed to illuminate the path before him, a sign that perhaps, things could still take a favourable turn.

As he gazed at the charm, memories flooded his mind—late-night conversations, stolen glances, and moments of laughter. They were fragments of a beautiful mosaic, now shattered and scattered. Yet, the spark of hope ignited within him, urging him to take a leap of faith.

Chris lifted his eyes, meeting Lovette's gaze once again. In her eyes, he saw a reflection of his own longing, his desire for connection and forgiveness.

"I don't want to leave," Chris confessed, his voice laden with sincerity and a hint of desperation.

Lovette's eyes shimmered, the weight of their shared history hanging in the air between them. She inhaled deeply, allowing the surge of conflicting emotions to settle within her.

"Then don't, Chris," she replied, squeezing his hand, "Let's talk about it."

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

alternate gif for this chapter!

a good chunk of this chapter  (lovette's section) is inspired by tourniquet by leanna firestone! (iykyk)

also this part of the fic is set in early 2023, which is why chris says he's 19 :)

until next time <3!