Turns out he's a fool

That James

Oh, James

Oh, how I wasted my days

Oh, dreaming, dreaming of James?

***

December 2021

I didn't have many friends from my department in college. I majored in English literature. I loved it there, but I've never felt like I belonged. I was not 'edgy' enough to truly fit in, a bit too ordinary. But I loved how you could be yourself there without getting judged. You could see an E-girl with purple hair and ripped jeans eating lunch and laughing with a niqabi girl. It was a space where you could find yourself without any boundaries.

Despite not really fitting in, I found five of my closest friends there. I met them in my freshman year, and we stayed intact. In our college days, my dorm room was the basecamp and they would come over all the time

Febby, Phani, Rey, Meisya, and Genta. It was kind of crazy that now we had to make an appointment a month in advance to hang out for two hours. It took a lot of effort to match our schedules.

Febby was a copywriter in an agency, Phani was an HR officer in a bustling outsourcing office, Meisya started her own business, putting her degree into use, an English course start-up, Rey was an editor in a national news agency, and Genta... Well, he was supposed to be a graphic designer but he did all sorts of things for a coal mining company.

"Sorry I'm late," Febby barged in.

"Really? You lived the closest compared to all of us." Phani rolled her eyes.

"Even THE Miss CEO is here before you," Rey added.

Febby shrugged her shoulders. "I gotta straighten my hair, you don't want to see me becoming a raging bitch because of a bad hair day right?"

She was right though, her hair looked exceptionally stunning today, and her makeup looked good as well.

I sipped my go-to kind of coffee, iced americano, and cut to the chase. "So what's the gossip? My life's so boring I need hot boiling tea to liven up my day."

"I went on a date," Febby blurted out.

"Wait... With Peter. That's his name right?" Meisya asked. She's a little bad with people's names. She only makes space in her head for important things.

"Ah no, turns out he has a wife. And two children. It's a new guy."

"Again?" Genta asked with a judgment in his tone.

"Stop being so judgmental geez. Why don't we talk about what really matters here." She set her eyes on me. "Aya, how's Tristan?"

The smile on my face faded as everyone turned to me. Honestly, for a while, I forgot that I had a boyfriend. His name was Tristan. He was a geologist and worked far away in Kalimantan. All my friends hated him but I was the type who turns into a wall when it comes to someone I loved despite him being a bit shitty. And yeah, he was pretty shitty. But I loved him.

I looked at them, feeling embarrassed. "He hasn't texted me back in almost a week."

"A WEEK?!" they all said almost in unison.

Lately, I felt like Tristan and I weren't really talking. Even when he called me at night, the conversation was always almost about him and when it was my turn to talk, he barely listened.

Almost a week ago, I asked him if we needed to talk because I didn't feel seen or heard in the relationship. I expected him to call me, but all he told me was "What else should we talk about?" and then left me unread after I texted him back "about us". I was too tired to re-text him so I just let him be.

"I'm thinking about breaking up with him," I said.

"About time." Febby rolled her eyes.

"Okay, when?" Meisya asked with her eyes still on her laptop screen. Full girlboss mode.

"He's supposed to be back here in a month," I answered.

"Nuh-uh girl, that's too long." Phani shook her head. "If I were you I would've done it tonight."

"Yeah, girl." Febby nodded in agreement.

"Over the phone? Isn't that too harsh?" I turned to Genta and Rey. "Okay, I need male opinion."

Rey shrugged his shoulders. "He has done worse things to you. But the real question is, how do you feel about him? Do you still love him though?"

I paused for a few seconds. "I don't know. I don't think I still do..."

Genta clapped his hands twice. "Alright then, the males have approved. Do it."

***

I showered, put on my sleepwear, and did my skincare. I felt clean and great. I looked at myself in the mirror. My long wavy hair has gotten too messy, so I needed to get a haircut. I also needed to fix my sleeping schedule because my dark circles were getting worse.

I took my phone and typed Tristan's name with a blue heart emoji next to it. It looked ridiculous. I pressed the call button and his phone was active but no answer. I waited for another half an hour, hoping that he would call me back.

But he never did.

And so I typed,

Hey, I tried, okay? I don't think I can do this anymore.

***