Waking up has become a chore.

It's been two weeks.

Back when I was naive and eager to learn more about my sexuality I received my first tip from a stranger on the internet. She said, "straight women are so quick to say they want to date a woman whenever their male acquaintances fail them. They make it seem as though dating a woman is the better alternative. I say to you baby gay don't date a woman. When she breaks up with you, you will want to kill yourself." I didn't listen to her.

It's been two weeks.

I have been rereading my texts between my ex-girlfriend and I, even from back when we hadn't established our relationship yet. That was eight years ago when I was in high school. My first thought was, I shared too much of myself with her. Which sounds stupid but realistically my messages looked plentier than hers. Then my second thought was, you went into a relationship with her months later so that makes it right. Easier to digest. But now that that chapter of my life has been closed it's safe for me to say I may have overshared all parts of me.

The more I think about it, the more I understand why that is. I wanted Nadia to be my wife. She was already my wife. Everyday with her was so easy and tolerable even though half of our relationship was spent together in the closet. A nasty foggy-air smelling closet. Until she took the first step and came out to her African parents before she went to Canada for college and they didn't say a word to her. She was so devastated I couldn't bear being helpless. As a result I took a gap year to go and live with her in a small, maximalistic apartment that became a home after she forced me to buy her a cat. I'm not an animal lover.

Actually that's a lie, Dom became my life. She was ordained as a child of struggling parents, maybe half-struggling parents. Unfortunately she died during Nadia's third year in university. Afterwards I mistrusted and somewhat feared my attachment to inhuman elements.

Two months before my gap year was over I had to stop myself from procrastinating the idea of being separated from my wife. I spent countless nights contemplating whether or not I should propose and live with her forever and be her stay-at-home partner which she had no complaints about.

I didn't propose, I left for Spain. Well, before Spain I went back to Zimbabwe to fix up financial plans for my tuition fees and living arrangements, food, VISA and passport and so much more. Many times I thought of coming out to my family but I couldn't. Nadia's coming out process seemed easier and manageable, which I know sounds selfish and petty to compare such life-changing experiences. But she only had to say she's gay. I had a very long list and it felt long to explain.
I drafted out my speech on my phone and memorized it and used clever closed sentences to make it sound shorter.

Hi mom and my three brothers. Before I leave, i want all of you to know the REAL me. Thank God you gave me a unisex name so I didn't have to change it. I'm non-binary and what that means is I'm neither a man nor a woman. I'm pansexual which means that I date anyone despite their gender-identity. I'm asexual which also means that I'm not sexually attracted to anyone. Lastly I'm aromatic which means that I'm not romantically attracted to anyone. I have a girlfriend and her name is Nadia. She loves me very much and I'd love to have your support.

Thoughts? It rhymed! I laughed at the short imagination of my family reacting to that in my head. Nonetheless, i didn't go through with it. I couldn't because so much was at stake. If someone asked me if I ever used anyone in a relationship I'd reply, i used my parents for my university fees for four years. Four unbearable years in a long distance relationship. Within those years Nadia and I had met each other tête-à-tête four times. Each visit was for a period of two months where we travelled every year.

I didn't come from a rich family but she did and I didn't mind her desire to lavish me in temporary riches. I enjoyed it. She made me love how much money she had and the one made from small jobs whilst she attended school. Also the fund from her parents was irreversible so despite not having any communication with them she was attached to them financially.

Nadia knows everything about me. I'm not sure if I know her very well. She ended it and it's over for good this time. I want to kill myself. I won't lie and say I haven't attempted to end my life. During the first week, I almost drowned myself in the tub after I zoned out feeling frenzy because it had clicked in my head that I'd never kiss Nadia ever again. The only reason I didn't go through with it was because I sneezed in the water and got a nose-bleed right after and I panicked because I had never nose-bled before.

The incident triggered my occasional headaches from when I was diagnosed with Cluster Headache Syndrome and I asked for a three weeks sick leave from work. I have no friends in New York and Amelia, my best friend, lives in Seattle. So I spent my first week in agony, emotionally and physically. I may have spent around five hundred dollars worth of takeaways, mostly pastries but it was worth every penny. My head felt like I was fighting Athena only on one side of my head. Particularly behind my ear.

After I finally gathered the courage to call Amelia and ask for help, she promised to show up today(a week later because work was a struggle) and she'll be free this weekend. She promised that we can talk, which I know means she'll help me take a proper shower, cook me healthy food and do my laundry. We won't talk because we have gone through sleepless nights trying to understand why my perfect relationship ended the way it did. I don't want to feel bad about being taken care of because it's normally the other way around with Amelia but I know it's coming from a good place.

She's here!