LOVER -
act one chapter twenty-three.

clem:

TITIS:
weenie is never going to forgive you

CLEM:
weenie can't talk

TITIS:
weenie has pink painted claws

CLEM:
i wonder who did that

TITIS:
you did
and it's also a shit paint job

CLEM:
SHIT PAINT JOB??!
ITS CHIPPED BECAUSE WEENIE
IS A MENACE.
he is a sausage dog
that scares people
in the streets.

TITIS:
that's literally not true
they were probably scared of you

CLEM:
people are only scared of
my massive bum

TITIS:
stop talking
you've already scarred weenie
don't try and scar me too.

CLEM:
oh my way to do so

TITIS:
NO
NO NO
don't come anywhere near my apartment

CLEM:
RUDE???

TITIS:
i have a very good explanation

CLEM:
i haven't seen you in
about eight light years

TITIS:
that's impossible btw

CLEM:
NOT THE POINT
i want to make you pasta 😜

TITIS:
what if i told you
someone else
was already doing that

CLEM:
well
you'd be lying

TITIS:
well
i'm not

CLEM:
i'm your only friend

TITIS:
...

CLEM:
hold on a darn minute

TITIS:
why
what are you doing

CLEM:
was checking wagsf1
just incase the paparazzi
caught you and charles.

CLEM:
if i see that boy
i won't hesitate
to give him a lecture

TITIS:
thank goodness he's not with me then!

CLEM:
yeah.

TITIS:
yeah..

seb and his children:

CHILD #1:
when are you coming
to switzerland

CHILD #2:
never
because i hate you 💁🏻‍♀️

SEB:
The kids miss you

CHILD #2:
i will make the trip for them ANYDAY

CHILD #1:
so the schumacher's
mean nothing to you?!?

CHILD #2;
well
i love corinna and gina
it's just you
that's the problem

CHILD #1:

#don'tcare

SEB:
I think you do.
Iris apologize for hurting his feelings.

IRIS:
no

mick needs to apologize
for
just being here

SEB:
I agree actually.
He keeps begging me to buy him
cheesecake so his trainer doesn't see.

IRIS:
i'm gonna send that
to your trainer 😋

MICK:
i'm going to kill you if you do

IRIS:
whoops 😁

charles:

IRIS:

CHARLES LOOKED UP FROM THE PAN, a frown evident on his face as he looked behind him. Iris was trying her best to keep a straight face, but the moment he looked at her she burst into laughter. "Why would I meow? I am not a cat. And why are you calling yourself my daddy?"

Iris had to have her head rested against the kitchen counter to avoid looking Charles' confused face. Knowing it would just make her laugh even more.

"I don't understand you sometimes." Charles commented and turned back around to the pan in which he was making the sauce for the pasta. In normal circumstances he would've used a pot. But for some peculiar reason Iris didn't own any pots. Any pans.

"Well, maybe that's because you don't know me well enough." Iris told him, as it was quite true. Although they had shared a bed and a first kiss, they knew very little about each other. And Iris saw this as the perfect opportunity to get to know Charles better and vise versa.

"Well, let's get to know each other then." Charles suggested, sipping on his glass of water, leaning against the back of the kitchen counter.

"Birthday?"

Charles took a second to think before he eventually remembered his own birthday, "October 16th." Iris gasped, thinking she was older than Charles for a moment before he continued. " '97."

"Sometimes I think your dad won the 2005 championship in honor of me." Charles gloated, handing the cheese grater to Iris. Making her put some effort into the meal.

Iris laughed, "He actually won it for me." She pointed to herself, listening as Charles scoffed.

"When he came back to Monaco, did he sign your cap?" Once met with silence, Charles continued, "Exactly. So I think that championship was in honor of me."

"I'm pretty sure it was for my birthday, from the 7th of September." Iris rolled her eyes, knowing Charles couldn't see her do so.

"I believe it may have been closer to my birthday..." Charles began, "Plus he won it in my favorite color car."

"I don't see how your favorite color is influencing this." Iris argued, cutting a little bit off the cheese for her to eat after she had grated a larger portion.

"Well my favorite color is red. My cap is red, my car is red, my helmet is red. I mean the list goes on!" Charles justified, furrowing his eyebrows when he watched Iris eat small strings of cheese. "Are you just eating cheese?"

"Yes..." Iris slowly responded, wondering why Charles sounded so unsure. "Have you never ate a block of cheese..."

"No..." Charles responded at the same pace. "Mostly because it Arthur, you know." Charles made vague hand signals and odds sounds but Iris understood anyway, "when he did so."

Iris almost chocked on the small piece of cheese at this new found information, "Thank you, thank you so much for that. I can't wait to hold that against him!"

"No! You can't tell him you know, it's a family secret!"

"Too late."

iris blanche fan zone:

LORD:
arthur
be honest with me here
did you shit yourself

ARTHUR:
huh
what
no
how do you know about that
well no
i didn't shit myself exactly

LORENZO:
you did
it was on my bed too

ARTHUR:
NO NO NO
I DIDN'T SHIT MYSELF
I MADE IT TO THE TOILET
I SWEAR

LORENZO:
NO YOU DID NOT
IT WAS ALL OVER MY SHEETS

LORD:
BECAUSE YOU
ATE A BLOCK OF CHEESE
😭😭

ARTHUR:
IT WAS NOT
SHIT
OR CHEESE

LORENZO:
please arthur
stop lying
i'm having to relive
the trauma of that night

LORD:
arthur
this is a safe place
don't worry

ARTHUR:
okay
charles told me
if i ate a block of cheese
it would make my eyes glow in the night
so that night
i found this mature cheddar in the fridge
and i ate it all
then i went to say goodnight to enzo
and i thought i was going to fart

LORENZO:
yeah. fart.

ARTHUR:
I DIDN'T KNOW
IT WAS GOING TO COME OUT

IRIS:
I AM
CRYING

ARTHUR:
how do you even know
oh my god.
HE IS A DEAD MAN.

charles is not the favorite:

ARTHUR:
I AM TELLING MOM
THAT YOU TOLD ONE
OF THE FAMILY SECRETS
AND SHE WILL HAVE YOU
EXILED FROM THE FAMILY

LORENZO:
exiled 😭

AUTHORS NOTE:

review of the best film to exist