When it comes to changes, let's say they're not exactly a piece of cake for me. The struggle deriving from them has been causing me a lot of trouble for ages, to the point that I haven't even been able to accept them properly.

Even the silliest ones make me stutter, let even the ones that affect the remainder of your life. Though, according to my mother, I myself am the one to blame for that, which she's partly right about but, on the other hand, I wish it weren't true at all. I don't know why, but I always have the feeling that she's trying hard to make my life a living hell through her choices. However, I shouldn't complain at all, for that it's useless.

Everything started when Carolyn, then Shaye, and lastly Tiffany, my eldest sisters, all left for college. Although our relationship wasn't always all rainbows and sunshine, we tries to go along for our own sake. It worked, or, at least with Shaye and Tiffany. Not so much with Carol, to be truly honest.

Anyway, they have mostly been by my side, under every circumstance, no matter how much of a challenge everything would be. Backing up is something neither of them has ever contemplated in any of their lives. Going back isn't something they're keen on doing, especially Carol, who, anyway, is very close to getting married. She is the one who single-handedly makes and reaches her own goals in such an easy way to embarrass anyone else, making them think they failed although this can't be said unless the truth is known.

Now that they're all on their own, juggling their careers as well as their relationships, everything is becoming increasingly more difficult for me, to the point that my closest confident is my crazy twin sister, Lyanna. Okay, she's a few minutes younger than me, but she's definitively more confident and determinate than me, if not a little bit full of herself. She knows I'm not the most outgoing person in the world - better say awkward, let's be honest; yet, this won't have her refrain from making nasty comments on my lack of confidence that usually dampen my mood.

Anyway, these comments are definitively not what makes me feel confused and at loss as much as real loss. More specifically, what happened the day I discovered my father was no longer with us.

***

It all happened two years ago, when my parents (who, at that time, were no longer getting along) decided it would be a good idea to go on an outing, all together. Actually, it was just Mom, Dad, Lyanna and I - Tiffany was supposed to join us, but she was busy packing for college, therefore she couldn't make it. At least, though, she didn't have to witness what was in store for us...

Anyway, this would have a greater impact on my life very soon. I know, I'm talking way too much.

My parents desperately wanted to make amends and thought that would be the best way to do so, although I wasn't very convinced since that didn't look like a day to go for an outing. It was cloudy, the weather was a little too damp for my liking, making it unlikely to be a nice day to go out.

Nevertheless, we still took the chance and went for a walk in a park in the outskirts of the town, where I first went when I was a little child, just with my dad. I know, those were great times, where we would try and make the best of everything. Now, that was no longer possible. There was a lot of tension, to the point that my parents were even barely speaking at each other, something I immediately assumed it would be uncomfortable to deal with.

Lyanna was staring at me with a confused look, as if she meant to ask me if they were about to get a divorce. I was completely honest when I told her that their marriage was definitively hitting the skids. There was little to nothing possible that could salvage it.

Never mind. What matters is that my father, my sister and I enjoyed that particular day, trying to guess the names of every kind of tree we saw, attempting to count clouds (an impossible task, after which I reminded to myself never to do it again), throwing pieces of bread at ducks to feed them as well as watching them swim in the cold small lake, and stopping by it for a picnic.

The same couldn't be said for my mother, though. She just sat at a bench, looking around aimlessly and not even paying attention at any of us laughing at Dad's puns. Mom has always had little to no sense of humor, but that time it looked like she would just came out of a graveyard.

She would only join us back for the picnic, eating in silence and not even glancing at either of us. That silence seemed too awkward to me, kind of forced. I, with my eleven years and wit that appeared to make me look more mature on the outside, tried to break the ice pointing out, "What's the problem with you two? You're barely speaking to each other." I managed to refrain from talking about relationship issues only by the skin of my teeth.

In spite of that, by the way, Mom looked pretty angered at my question, even going as far as scold me. It was not the usual reprimand, though, but a profanity-laden one. "Shut the fuck up! Now everyone knows your father and I are in bad terms, you little prick! Why don't you just mind your business?"

I couldn't help crying. Those sentences were too hurtful to be true, or this is what I thought when I was eleven. My father was also angry that she was just trying to dribble their marital issues instead of facing them as a married couple is supposed to do. "You never own up to your responsibilities as a wife!" he accused, raising his voice so much that it scared me, with more tears pouring down my face.

My mother was still unimpressed with his argument, meaning that she even stood up and pointed his finger at him. "Me? So, it's me who's been causing trouble all the time, right? So, you want a divorce? Why didn't you tell me, you bastard coward?"

"That's enough! One more word from you, and this is over!" I couldn't believe that they would split up just because they were unable to control their emotions as well as have a proper discussion on this theme.

"Fine. Do whatever you want... it's not me who's going to stop you, anyway." That sentence was enough to make Dad leave the picnic area and rush out of the park in a huff. After that, I hadn't heard of him for several hours, until I learnt the fatal news.

He was gone forever. There was nothing we could do to save him, and neither we knew who was to blame for that.