Loving you is running down that hill.
A stop would turn my legs to anchors.
So I follow down to that meadow
where you kissed that confidence.

I understand his appeal.
He is aloof and smarmy.
I'm the rainstorm of withering.

I understand his charm
because I made him to fit
in the crook of your arm.
I picked out a swagger
meant to metamorph
into my ultimate form.

My mask so beautiful,
I can hide my passion
in a pose Akimbo.
My stoic one-liners
grounding down my giggle.

My silence, a deep aversion to losing
this mystique. I know what honesty brings
in a love held up by strings and mirror.
I abused the beauty of your infatuation,
but at least my heart beats wild for our embrace.

Do you remember when we first held hands?
You let go thinking I feared an audience.
I told you later you were mistaken.
The lie I gave: "make you sure I was
buttering you up for a quick kill," and yet still

you serve yourself
stuffed and basted
on my long table
abasing your morals
to feel my fibers
to follow my driving
need to conquer
and your surrender
is bitter on my
forked tongue

split so long, I can taste past my own silver.
That quiver you sense isn't lust but recompense.
A need to apologize and give you the love
you clearly want satisfied. Because I am a zed
controlled by the dead remains of a childish
belief in love that needs no deeds; nor honesty.
I am pasted from the hard bodies I hid
deep to feel a crimson beyond my cuts.

I am thick but not  solid,
No nourishment within.
I can't even be naked.
Because I'm not that bad boy.
I'm a bad you can't enjoy,
the lie of weakness employed.
I had a season of wonder.
A loser like me
can't ask for anything more.

I stumble this apology
for wasting a real love
on an appeal thick as this jacket
that reveals enough to imply
I was worth your trust.

I just want to be cool,
so that I'm worth your time.
Don't ask this fool
to show the geek inside.
Your eyes make me squishy.
Your talk of clouds pierce these
defenses I erected to survive
the devastation of hope's end.

I love you total.
Let's not pretend.
Even if it brings severance,
from I to you,
from heart to strings.
I'll cut that bond
to this grand con
I lived to lure out those smiles.

I'll be the dork that dances
when you walk out of sight.
I'll try to love in your style
with trust I'll take my chances
and be uncool for you tonight.