Hlo darlings

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Brave is not the heart that can hold onto the past and the pain that it had brought. Brave is the heart that knows how to let it go, let it all out. Crying is not the solution but it's a method to bring in the needed strength. It's not the sign of weakness but the expression of great courage. Not every person has it in him to let his pain out, to let it go.

Shivaay was certainly one of those who thought hiding the pain is the solution. Out of the sight out of the mind, was certainly taken in a wrong way by him, mused Anika, as she sat beside him on the passenger seat while he drove his car towards his office at this time of the night.. or better say, at two in the morning.

His reasons to hide his matters, however big or trivial, were different. He showed everyone that he was a tower of strength. That, he certainly was, but only for his family. He never cried because he had no one to tell him to do so, to motivate him to unburden himself of the unwanted load he was carrying. He had no one to tell him that it was not wrong to cry.

He was a man who liked his own way. A few minutes ago too, he wanted her to let him go on his own wherever it was that he wanted to go. But she was stubborn.

She had seen the worst in her life and she certainly had seen the worst of him so that his angry, rather fake angry glares didn't stir her from the resolution to go with him. Also, all these days she had realised, after thoroughly observing him that he wouldn't hurt her in any way and he would swallow his anger if it was her who vexed him.

She raked her brain again and again to guess what had happened today that could make him angry, rather upset, but it was of no use. She couldn't think of anything except Gauri. It was certainly something that her stupid best friend said or did or whatever. And if she got to know it was Gauri, then she'll box her ears for making him go through this. Anything, but him being upset.

As they entered the office premises, Shivaay stopped the car outside the main entrance that led to various corridors in the office. He didn't care to take the car to the parking because no one was there.

He didn't wait for Anika to come out of the car and walked towards his private lift. He was walking would be a lie because Anika had to run to match his pace and she was huffing and puffing by the time she managed to enter the lift and stand beside him.

He was well aware of her petite figure bending down with her hands resting on her knees but he wouldn't show it to her. He was already having a tough time in ignoring her and once he addressed her directly or even indirectly and gave her any hint of her being noticed by him, she would shower him with questions he wouldn't be able to answer.

"Ignoring me is not the solution you know, I'll have my way."

She was breathing normally by the time the lift opened on the corridor that led to his penthouse. She was visiting it the second time with the gap of only a few hours between both the visits and how surprising it was that earlier, her feelings were running haywire and now his, although she doesn't know his problem.

Indeed she knew nothing except the cute little feeling of anger bubbling inside her as she craved for his attention upon what she said. She had that urge to hold onto the sleeve of his white kurta that made him look as handsome as he looked in his three piece suits and tuxedos. She wondered how he would look without... Pardon me my sins, Lord !

"You know, this is called sangat ka asar. You are so stubborn, always making people do what you want. Now I'm also getting into that mode. So you will have to listen to me."

She knew she was just babbling like a baby whose voice was nothing but meaningless sounds for the listener.

As they entered the penthouse, Shivaay marched towards a particular room but Anika finally did what she was longing to do, only it wasn't her childish urge of being attended to. It was a strong resolution of a woman who wanted her man to be happy, who wanted him to tell her what problem he had so that it could be solved, or atleast it could give him peace.

"You think I can't be stubborn like you ? I can. Infact I can be more stubborn when it's about people I love and care for. So stop ignoring my questions and tell me what's going on in this clever and tadibaaz head of yours."

Shivaay was aware of her soft but firm hold on the sleeves of his kurta. She said so much but the only thing that registered in his mind was 'love'. Did she just indirectly say that she loves him ? Or probably it was her care ? She cared for him that was true but did she also love him or was it just her way to convince him to blurt everything out ? His upset head was now confused too.

"Now, do you have an inclination for standing here all night and staring at me or would you tell me what's bothering you ?"

"Swear on me" She had his hand on her head forcefully and asked him to speak.

"Do you seriously believe in all of this, Anika ? Swear on you ? Seriously ? It means nothing okay. I'm still not telling anything. And what would I tell you when there's nothing ?"

"Shivaay, please." Anika was pleading now, the signs of stubbornness fading from her voice but the stubbornness was still there.

"Anika, I wanted to come here to have some time alone, to have some peace. Please don't ask useless questions. You know something ? It was I who designed the interior of this penthouse. I find it very pleasing and peaceful. I'm sure you would find it peaceful too. You can see anything you like. If you want to sleep you can choose any of the rooms on the floor above. I'll be fine in the morning."

"Okay. You don't have a plan to tell me anything. Anyway you want to be alone, so why not be alone in a proper sense without having to bother about me being here ?  I think it's better if I take your leave."

She was still two steps away from the door when he stood infront of her. By the look on his face she knew she had been successful but she maintained the same poker face. Let it be Tit for tat.

"You're not going anywhere."

"Try me."

"Why are you being stubborn ?"

"Are you not ?"

He stayed silent this time. Walking away from her gaze he sat on the L shaped sofa. He didn't want to look at her while lying.

"Anika, there's nothing troubling me. Atleast, there's nothing for you to know."

"Why ? Why can't I know ?" Anika sat beside him and he looked at her, only for a split second though.

"What would you do by knowing it, Anika ? It would be useless for you to know something trivial. Please let it be."

He wasn't looking at her but at the floor, with his elbows propped onto his knees and his forehead resting on his palms. He could feel his muscles relaxing under her touch, with her hand on his right shoulder.

"Is it always about solving the problems ? Do we share our problems just because we want a solution ? Sometimes it's also about setting the mind at rest, the heart at peace. Sometimes it's about letting someone hear us, to have a feeling in us that there's someone else who knows too. It's about knowing that we're not alone."

Her words had hit the target, she saw it on his face when he removed his palms from his face and looked at her. Not the usual angry look that's reserved for the world, not the caring look reserved for his family and her, but the vulnerable look no one had ever seen on his face. Actually, she did. That night when he was drunk and crying, missing probably the only person who was his strength, his late grandfather.

"Promise me," He extended his right hand towards her "that you won't take it all seriously, you won't judge anyone, you won't tell anyone."

"I give you my famous pinky promise, I won't tell anyone, I'll not take it seriously and I won't judge anyone."

She promised to him, though she promised herself to break the promise if it's for his welfare and for his happiness. She picked up one of the several cushions in various colours placed along the sofa back. It was a cushion in the pleasing shade of cyan blue, the colour of his eyes.

"You are sitting like I'm going to read to you a fairytale." He chuckled softly seeing her making herself comfortable with the cushions and listening to him, she offered a cushion to him too but he denied.

"I might sound silly to you after I tell you what I was thinking about all this while. It was not like I got upset all of a sudden. It's just, today the mask fell off, infront of you atleast. When Gauri called me beastly. She wasn't wrong though."

He paused for a moment to see if she was thinking something or any expression of mockery on her face. There were none. She was sitting there, silently, and an epitome of sweetness and so encouraging by not giving any signs of impatience.

"I was upset since, since I knew what sins I had committed and the way I tortured you. Upset would be a small word, I felt ashamed, disgusting, angry. I felt like ripping myself apart seeing you laying lifeless in blood. It was a sight I would give my life to erase from my memories and yours. Infact, if I could delete something from my life events I would delete whatever I did to you. What my family did to you. I wouldn't delete meeting you though, just change of circumstances."

"The day Gauri took you back home I wanted to stop her, only if had a way or a reason to do so. I was ashamed to face you but I wanted your forgiveness even if I knew my sins were unforgivable. I count myself the luckiest man in the world for having a second chance after committing such grave mistakes."

Anika wanted to stop him and tell him to not say such things about himself but she chose to let him talk. He had repented more than his mistakes needed. To anyone it might sound like being prissy but according to her it was the truth and what was right.

"I had only a few people in my life that I adored or loved. My Dadu, Dadi, Om, Priyanka and Rudra. Especially Dadu, he was not my grandfather, he was my father in true sense. He was the one who held me when I started to learn walking as a baby. He taught me to ride a bicycle, he helped me in my homework and appreciated me when I used to come first in my class and win a race or a competition. He taught me everything when my own biological father was..."

It was getting difficult for him to speak but he knew better that there was no going back and he didn't want to go back either. She was right, it was soothing to let it all out. He did feel a certain aching in his heart after recalling those golden memories but it was soothing too.

"When I prepared a presentation just for my own liking and with that same presentation our company won a difficult, almost impossible deal, he was the one who was proud of me more than anyone else. He had hugged me for good thirty minutes, without any words. And when he did, all he said was, "Mere puttar ne dil khush kar ditta." "

"Only I knew he didn't only mean that mere because I won a deal. He saw in me the son he always wanted. He got that happiness that day that he always wanted his son to give him."

"You know what he gave me, Anika ? He gave me his favourite Pen and something else, that I would tell you some other time, on a special occasion. It might be a pen for anyone else, for me it was a dream come true, my prayers answered. He and the his belongings were that important to me."

"When I started handling the business everyone in my family and the whole world thought it was the young man's dream to be successful in business. But only I knew that I wanted his happiness even if he wasn't infront of me. Somewhere in my heart, I know he also knows that."

Shivaay squeezed her hand in acknowledgement when she held his hand to give him the courage to go on. It was useless because mere her presence was enough.

"Mere ten days.... mere ten days later he left me, forever. He suffered a heart attack, Anika. And the worst part was... I was not with him that day. I.. I didn't want to go leaving him alone but he forced me to go when he knew his health wasn't good. And.. and when I came back he... he was gone.."

The tears controlled for so long broke through his eyes and ran according to their own wish as he bent his head and clasped her hand even more tightly.

Only she couldn't stay like that. The sight of his teary face had made her realise that she had started crying long ago. She neared him in one swift motion and hugged him like her life depended on that hug. Only if anyone could answer if she was supporting him or herself !

The tears did stop but there was no need to break the hug and leave each other's soothing embrace.

"Living in my dysfunctional family was never easy but after he was gone I realised it was far, far more difficult than I had ever felt it was. The business, a disheartened Dadi, an alcoholic mother, my siblings who tried to support me but failed so that I had to pretend that they were being successful in making me happy. Above everything else, that so called worm in the name of a father, who didn't care that his father had died but he cursed my Dadu for naming the whole business on my name."

"Dadi loved Dadu so much. Their love was what had made me believe that their were a few happy couples in the world too. After Dadu left, Dadi was broken but seeing me struggling she overcame her grief and supported me as much as she could."

"Only when she stopped talking to me that I found myself breaking bit by bit. It was your forgiveness that I wanted that kept me going otherwise..."

"I could fight the whole world, but.. but I failed in tolerating the hatred in her eyes, Anika. It killed me when.. when she... said I.. I failed him. She said I failed in making my Dadu proud. That... that he would be ashamed of me..."

He wailed loudly. It was a scream coming from the deepest and most aggrieved corner of his heart that wrenched Anika's soul. She wasn't sure now that she did right by compelling him to share his misery. She was now breaking into pieces as she heard his pain put into words.

"Would he ?"

Shivaay's voice, as soft as that of an innocent baby brought her out of her thoughts. She didn't understand his question.

"Would he, what, Shivaay ?"

She doubted if she has ever spoken so softly. So much so that she doubted if it was her own voice.

"Would he be ashamed of me ?"

Anika flinched at the quiver in his voice. Her Shivaay was so soft hearted, so afraid that she wanted to hold onto him forever and never let him go so that no one would be able to hurt him. He was so pure hearted that she doubted if he had ever grown up or was he still a baby cocooned in his mother's embrace, unaware of the vices of this evil world.

His question was wrong. It was impossible. His Dadu knew him, he had instilled in him so many sacraments that he would know his grandson very well. He would never be ashamed of his grandson. No one could be ashamed of him.

"Look at me, Shivaay," She forced him to look at herself, not letting him out of her embrace, "your Dadu would be proud of you, always. He can never be ashamed of you."

"It's so difficult to admit your mistakes. Not every person can manage to know what's wrong and what's right. You could let it go, you could let me go and simply say it was not your fault, or that, you don't care. But you didn't, you stayed there to help me, to save me, to support me and to apologise to me. Now that's something you have never done, if I know you, right ?"

Anika chuckled seeing his lips twitch slightly at her last few words. After seeing his tears that small smile was like a faint rainbow in the darkest of clouds.

"Never. Never, ever think that your dadu would be ashamed of you. No one can be, and I, I am proud of you too. You've tolerated me so much in the last few days. You've listened to me when I was ordering you as if you were my slave."

Anika's face broke into a relieved smiled as he chuckled softly. The extent of her love was unfathomable, she reflected. But she couldn't see him upset, his tears were wounds to her heart.

Seeing him sleeping so peacefully was like watching a pleasant sunrise after a dark, terrible night. His head in her lap and a hand grasping her fingers, such a peaceful moment that she didn't dare stirring a bit lest he woke up.

It was the second time he was sleeping in her lap but this time there was nothing wrong. May be there was, but not something that couldn't be put to rights.

She caressed his head and removed from his forehead those hair that were disturbing his sleep and then kissed his forehead. This aristocratic forehead that was the permanent residence for his famous, angry frown. It was a kiss of assurance that everything will be alright, even if he was unaware of it.

May be not totally unaware. He could feel the surge of calm rushing through his sleepy mind and he smiled before hugging the soft pillow, only it wasn't a pillow.

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I hope it was upto the mark because this is what satisfied me after so many written and deleted versions.

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