"My dearest Yoon Min,

Writing this, I already realize I'll regret it. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I'd be writing this one day. It feels much odd and sickening. Not sure how many times I've considered calling you. But I know I must do it. I'll write you a long letter, as this'll be my last words for you, and I hope you'll grow to understand me.

I want to explain why I'm doing this. You must've thought at some point I'm not the kind of man who'll give up on life. To be honest, I never had this terrifying wish to die. I had my downs and losses in life too. But until now, none of them were as severe and tragic as the moment I lost you.

That phone call was probably the worst mistake I had done, because that was when our relationship began to shatter. I'll not explain my actions because I know it's useless and whatever happened was completely my fault. I won't defend my sins.

Nothing in life made me feel as terrible as I did this month. I'm dazed with a throbbing pain in my heart. I spent every night sleepless, and I'd cry at random times throughout the day, thinking about you. For days, my body hurt, and I couldn't eat. When I look in the mirror, I don't even recognize myself. I'm not half the man I used to be, Yoon Min.

I realized I caused all of this. I'm the reason we're both floating in this black ocean. We want to drown till the water sucks our breath away, but we're just hanging. So I wanted to fight for you. Because I believed our love would endure the test of time and we'll breakthrough the black ocean somehow.

However, that dusk in twilight, you said you hated me and you regretted marrying me. I think that's when I felt my heart stopped beating and my lungs exhaled their last breath. My stomach clenched and I wanted to scream. If that wasn't enough, you screamed at me to go die. My heart shattered into million pieces because I never imagined those words could damage me so badly. You must've felt the same, right?

That was the moment I chose death over life. I loathed myself awfully when you were hurting because of me. I couldn't bear to watch the self-torture you were putting yourself in. It was intolerable to accept that I betrayed you. I was overpowered with endless guilt. So I just went with what would be best for you. Because I really believe you'll be so much better without me.

Yoon Min, years ago in the orphanage when we first met, I knew you were going to be the best chapter of my life. I fell in love with your beautiful heart because you brought out the best in me. Your love lifted me to the greatest heights unimaginable. You're the beat of my heart and the soul in my body. You're so precious to me. But you deserve someone who chooses you every day, every time. You deserve someone who stands up for you instead of putting you down. You don't deserve this fractured marriage and this pathetic husband.

If we've come to this point where all we do is grieve, then maybe this is the time we should leave.

My love, please never blame yourself for my decision. I know you'll do that for the rest of your life. I can't have you do that because it has nothing to do with you. When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there with you, if the sun rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me; I wish so much you wouldn't cry.

Don't grieve for me, don't worry about me. Instead, go easy on yourself. Don't blame and hurt yourself. Build your life with a new purpose, get busy with new goals and meet new people. Find a man who'll treat you a hundred times better than me. Make sure he's a good guy or else, I'll personally haunt him.

And if you can, please visit my grave every summer. Come in the evening and stand for a few minutes beside me. I'm scared to be alone, you know? I'll wait for you eagerly.

I'll never ask you to forgive me. But I'll let you know that I'm sorry for not being there when you'll cry at night, when you'll laugh and have good days, when you'll have a beautiful baby in your arms who'll look so much like you, when you'll grow old and spend lonely days. I'm sorry for breaking my vows.

I know you never stopped loving me. I also know each time, you'll think of me, you'll miss me too. So I want you to take every breath for me. Try to be happy at the smallest things and make me proud. Let my soul rest in peace by showing me you can live without me.

My beautiful wife, maybe one day, we'll meet again and tell each other what really happened. Maybe one day, we'll finally understand. This time, I'll make sure to cherish you since the beginning. Until then, I hope you live your best life. Dream, smile and fall in love again.

Thank you for loving me from your heart and soul.
Thank you for marrying me.
I'm leaving our precious memories and my heart with you.
Take care of them for me.

I love you over life and death.

Goodbye, my love.

Yours Forever,
Jin"

-------------------

Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion to death.

The air smelt of hopelessness and grief. She breathed it into her lungs with all her might, making it course through her weak body. Her hair was in a messy condition, probably her whole appearance appeared messy and wrecked. As if someone bit her to a pulp and made her stand there forcefully. The skin of her face had ash lines of dried tears on her cheeks. Her lips colorless as well as her eyes, absolutely sparkless.

The funeral was attended by many people unexpectedly. Distant relatives, co-workers, strangers arrived with different types of flowers and placed them in front of his portrait. At one point, it looked like a flower festival, not someone's funeral. The dullness, the despair were lost after the multiple floral scent touched the atmosphere. The candles lit their tears, dancing sadly against the scented air.

Walking over to her, people paid their condolences to her one by one. At first, they stared at her ghostlike appearance. Her black clothes and lifeless face were distracting them from telling her what they wanted to. Eventually, most of them would say they're sorry for her loss and walk away quickly. Some decided to be brave and tried to cheer her up by wishing positive messages. While some people, especially the elder ones gave her a hug and told her to hang in there.

Did any of them know their words and gestures sounded empty?

Did they know their simple words weren't what she need, but the man they came here for, to come back to life?

"I'm so sorry."

"You'll get through this."

"Everything will be okay."

Did they know these consoling words hurt her more? To hell with their condolences.

It seemed like these people came here as a responsibility, none of them actually came to help her. None of them cared how her heart was cut open and black was pouring out. None of them wanted to stay by her side and give her what she needed.

And they didn't even care she lost everything she had; she lost the only person she had in her life.

Yoon Min was a widow. Earlier, she used to be just an orphan. Now she was both an orphan and a widow.

Widow...The word was fresh and new. The feeling of losing her husband attacked her like the end of the world. How was she supposed to live the next days?

Time didn't seem to pass quicker as people were still coming, paying respect, telling her some empty words and leaving. They were coming and going. That's what he did too. He came into her life and left.

A bitter cackle left her mouth. She raised her head for the first time in hours and found no more than 3-4 people, taking their leave. She glanced at the clock and read 6 p.m. It took the whole day already? She instinctively looked away because she didn't want to look at his photo. His portrait had him smiling like it was his birthday or a good occasion, he looked so happy. She didn't have the courage to look at his photo after what happened.

But her eyes ended up catching a glimpse of his portrait and without any alarm, tears rolled down her eyes silently. She slipped onto the floor, pulled her knees closer and stared at his photo. People were gone by then so she cried a little louder than before. Covering her mouth to stiffen her sobs, she closed her eyes and continued wailing in pain, in grief, in terrible heartache.

"You left me our memories and your heart?" She wanted to sound like she was mocking, but her voice was so broken that it came out as a cry. "That was the worst line, Jin! I don't want them, I want you. I want you here beside me. N-not those."

His death hurt her in the worst unimaginable way, but his suicide letter damaged her dreams, her hopes and her life. She read it over a hundred times, and now she could mention every word in there as each letter got memorized in the core of her mind. It felt so wrong to keep living after he died because of her. If it wasn't because of his letter, she would've taken a knife under her throat right after the moment they took him away from her.

But he wanted her to live. It was a gift of gratitude, but to her, it was a lifetime punishment. Because how was she supposed to live without him?

Seokjin was her only hope for happiness. Now that he left her alone, she didn't know how she was supposed to be happy again. Because every time she would smile, his smile would flash in front of her eyes.

His smile she was pleading to see again.

---------------

The sun was shining in the sky after long weeks of endless rainfall. Joyfulness knocked on people's doors. Except it didn't knock on one door. Sadness was taking care of everything behind that door for a while.

Yoon Min was sitting beside his grave, twirling a dandelion in her fingers. When he wrote in his letter that he wanted her to visit him once in a while, she took it seriously in her heart and visited him everyday. She would sit on the grass and stare into space, sometimes talked to him softly. She would stay there with him till very late in the evening. The trees around the graveyard were still, just like the wind. Everything was dead there.

"Jin..." She sighed, tracing her hand over the ground, wishing he could feel her touch.

"How does it feel down there? To lie in the soft brown earth and listen to silence? To have no yesterday, no tomorrow? To be at peace?" She was wandering out loud. "Death must've a little beauty, right?"

She took out the letter from her pocket and read it again. Each time she finished it, chills ran the length of her body to the tip of her toes. His death poems gave a whole different meaning when he died in his letter.

She also took out his wedding ring and the keychain she gifted him on his birthday and played with them. He left the keychain beside his letter but kept the ring around his finger. As if he wanted to die as her husband, as if he was proud and happy to be her husband.

But why, when his wife became the sole influence behind his suicide?

"You told me everything, Jin." She muttered sadly. "You told me to dream, to hope and fall in love. You told me to find a new goal. You told me not to blame myself. But you didn't tell me h-how."

Staring down at his grave, she bit her lips, "H-how? How will I do all of this without you? Every second I'm blaming myself, every day I say I shouldn't have reacted like that, every moment I think of you. Tell me how do I live..."

No answer came from any direction. She sighed again and wiped the little tears away.

It's always been said and heard that eventually everyone moves on from the tragic death of a beloved. But it sounded unbelievable to her as of now. Just how could those people move on? Did their hearts stop aching after a while? Did their tears stop falling? Did they stop blaming themselves?

Quite impossible it seemed to forget his face, his laughter, his existence. It was as same as killing herself.

As warm tears rolled down her face, she looked down at his grave and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Jin. I miss you so much. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me when you were alive.."

Her tears of regret drenched the soil where the grass waved, equally being sad for her sufferings. They knew the pain in her heart will never fade away. It'll only grow darker and hurt her, and weaken her poor heart. They knew she won't be able to survive as her husband wanted her.

"P-Please meet me in my dreams at least..."