▪️Thursday, December 17th, 2017▪️

▪️Chicago, IL▪️

Punch.

How do you manage the unmanageable?

Kick.

What the fuck was I thinking?

Punch.

Why did Ben not stop me?

Kick.

Who did I think I was?

Stopping the barrage of thoughts is harder today. I bend down and rest my hands on my thighs. I'm not regretting buying the dojang with Ben, but I'm not not regretting it either. I need the loan to come through. I sit on my knees praying to whatever is in charge of making this work for me. I need for time to slow down. I need to be right, to be able to do everything I signed up for. I bury my face in my hands and scrape the fucking stubble that's back again. How am I going to do it all? Promising Angie to go visit her in LA? That's fucking impossible. Five days away from the Academy when the instructors are out on vacation, and staffing the classes requires miracles? Impossible. I lie down on the creased, worn-out faux leather of the mats, and stare at the ceiling.

I want this to work so badly, my teeth ache from me grinding them day and night. My gut has never told me I should go for something, but with the dojang, I knew. Like with Angie. Did she make me trust myself again, or did she just kick at the glass and sound the alarms, showing me I can go for the things I actually want? The "shoulds" ruled the last five years of my life. I want to allow myself to want what I want. I want for things to work out. With Angie. With the dojang. I want this to be what I'm supposed to do with my life.

"Hello?" Ben's voice comes from the hallway.

"Over here." I don't get up.

Ben finds his way into the quiet room and lowers himself down next to me. "Why are you here? I'm going to pack up the rest of Mr. Chang's stuff. We agreed. You need a break."

"Couldn't fucking sleep." I cover my stinging eyes with my hand.

"Again?"

"Fuck off."

"What is it this time?"

Having Ben as my friend is the best thing that happened to me when I moved to Chicago. But having Ben as a friend means being ready to answer his question with more honesty than I'd like.

"I think I should cancel the LA trip."

"I thought we've figured out the budget." Ben pulls out his phone. "You saw our spreadsheet. I listed all the to dos on the dojang renovation tab. All the tasks are there. I'll supervise the measurements by the contractors. Probably will be next year when we see the bids. I don't need you here." He lowers his phone and looks at me. "You just passed your engineering exam, so that's out of the way. What am I missing?"

"Just feels wrong leaving this huge project we both are doing and fly to the west coast to have fun. Feels like I'm messing something up." I sit up and take the wraps off my hands.

"How long have you been thinking that?"

"All night? What am I trying to do? Chase a dream that even my mother, who loves me, thinks is irresponsible. Chase a girl I've been around for less than twenty-four hours because I want to? Never done it before, why start now?" I jump to my feet.

"Maybe because you've never done it before?" Ben follows me up.

"There's no fucking way all the pieces will fall into place, no matter how much I want them to. Are Angie and I going to work? You know it's hard to be with someone when you live in the same city. Why am I pushing for a. . .thing with a girl who's travelling across the country?"

"Long-distance is hard. But it's not like she'll be away for forever. She'll be back in Chicago in a couple of months."

"Three months." I massage my palms.

"Two or three. That is a negligible difference when you consider an average human lifespan."

"I am considering the lifespan." I head back into what remains of the office. My office now. The discolored spots on the walk show where the pictures hung for years. Most of them will be back after we make copies and send the originals home with Master Chang. This wall or another one, I want this place to be better than ever. "This is not her last tour. It's her bread and butter. She'll be traveling all over the world, and I will, what, sit here? Travel with her and abandon my plans?"

"You might be overthinking this." Ben picks up a box and puts the files from the floor into it. "You've known her for a month. Maybe planning your life with her this early on is presumptuous. Haven't you learned anything from me? I thought Amelie and I were it. That future was all planned out in my head. I was going to propose to her, and now she's in France. I'm here, and we don't even talk."

"Exactly. If you and her didn't happen, what do I have going for me? I should enjoy watching Angie's success from the safe distance of social media and let her live her life. The two of us together doesn't feel doable." My words strangle me, the air that came out in strong puffs during my workout refuses to cooperate and presses on my organs, like an overblown balloon that's about to pop. Everything I want feels impossible.

Maybe wanting is not a good thing. Maybe not wanting was easier. Is going after Angie and the dojang a mistake? I've been good at avoiding mistakes for so many years. I could just stay home, catch up on work, and forget about the girl who can pop my heart with one word. I want to see her, but what will five days together bring us? I tug the sides of the dobok apart, as if it'll help with my breathing.

"Why waste the time?" I get a box of my own and pile the office supplies and random shit from the drawers of Master Chang's desk into it.

"I'm not the right person if you want to discuss feelings. You can talk to Angie about them. About your doubts. That'd be a good start."

"And let her see the fucked up Mike before my good side won her over?"

"She seems like a person who appreciates honesty."

"How would you know?"

"She's teaching me the basics of social media and coaching me through my video editing. And filming. And posting." Ben closes the lid on his first box and stacks more files into another.

Now that I put all the information from them into the system, I should just shred them. Keeping them doesn't make any sense. Taking up storage space. "Why am I the last one to find out about it?"

"Didn't seem relevant."

"You two are getting along then?"

"Yes. But that's not going to help you. What are you afraid of?"

Afraid? Am I afraid? I pull air through my nostrils and let it out in one long sigh. I can't see my own eyes, but if I could I bet a scared nineteen-year-old Mike would be peeking out at me. I rub my temples.

"I can be. . . a loose cannon," I let myself say. After my parents' divorce, the only time I let myself do what I wanted was when I joined a fraternity my first semester of college. Four months of freedom ended in me so out of it, my little brother had to come rescue me. I'm the one who was supposed to be taking care of him. Instead, I ruined his life. I was not better than my father. I vowed to never disappoint the people I love again. If I limit the people I love to Mom, Louka, and Ben, I have less lives to fuck up. "You know my history." My box is full. Over full. I push the contents down and try to close the lid.

"You were a freshman in college. You were following what your frat brothers were doing. You didn't try to hurt anyone on purpose. You made a mistake. You learned from it. I don't think she'll judge you as harshly as you are judging yourself. As long as Louka and you are good, it all that matters."

"Louka is another problem. He's set on moving to LA into Dad's place." I need to keep packing, but I'm tired. I sit down on my chair and suck a lungful of air into my already overextended body.

"All the more reason for you to go there and set the record straight with your dad."

"I'm not so sure it'll be any good." I drop my forehead onto my stapled fingers. "Louka's mind is set. Mine is too. Forgiving my father is not something I could ever do. It's not an option. "

"I've been hearing so many 'nos' from you. No way you and Angie will work. No way you can forgive your dad. No way you can support your bother's decision to move to LA."

"No way this"—I wave around and rub my eyes. I'm not crying, my eyes are just sandy from the lack of sleep—"is a sensible idea. Is this a mistake too? I'm a structural engineer, not a small business owner. How did my life turn from a routine job-dojang-home to whatever the fuck I'm doing now?" My heart is working double-time to keep up.

"Sounds like you're figuring out your priorities."

"The fuck? Have you been listening to a word I said?" I stand up and push the rolling chair away. It's like no one hears me. Why can't they hear what I say?

"For ten minutes. You are doubting yourself. I'm not. If anyone could do it—it's you. You've got it."

"I don't 'got it."

"Let me speak the only language you seem to understand." Ben puts down the fourth box he's stuffing with even more files. He walks to me and puts one hand on my shoulder, focuses on my bare feet. "No way you are going to be perfect. But that's a good thing. You've done it for too long. Maybe it's time to mess up a little. I'm here to help. So is your Mom. Master Chang. Even Louka. You have a safety net now. My therapist always tells me to make mistakes. It's a normal part of life. If you choose to not do anything because you can mess up, how is that better?"

Ben reads my mind, like he's done since I've met him. Not doing anything I can fuck up is what I've been after. It worked. I haven't fucked up. "Maybe not better but safer."

"We'll have insurance for the dojang." Ben squeezes my shoulder. Once. Twice. I know he's trying to reassure me. I want to be reassured. But it's not working. "There's no insurance for the matters of heart."

"Another business opportunity?" I attempt a joke.

"One thing at a time."

I laugh. The ripple of it sets my chest lose. I straighten, pull my shoulders back and rip apart the bubble wrap I've been protecting myself with. The fucking freedom of it hurts, but in a way, I won't give up. This release is not painless, but oh-so necessary. With my lungs no longer wrapped in cellophane, I breathe and allow myself to do this living and wanting thing. Doing something I can't guarantee a success in, because I love it, not because I'm sure it'll work out. I'm sticking with the dojang, and I'm flying to LA.