Isn't it astonishing, isn't it strange and unbelievable how someone I don't even know well, can have absolute control over me? He can reign over my world of emotions. My feelings, my mood, my thoughts. Every text, every word, every action has an impact on how I feel.
He talks to me, I'm on cloud nine. He ignores me, I suffer.

Funny I thought he was different. Like I always do. I remember assuming he was no more than a shy boy in a white hoodie. The kind of boy who is too scared to talk to girls. That's why I made the first move. And the second. And the third. Considering he was just shy, wasn't he?

But day after day I gave him opportunities. I created situations he could easily use. And he didn't even make a single move.
Turned out, apparently, he's not the quiet, shy boy. He's one of the cool kids. He has enough friends. He doesn't need a girl uncommonly uncool to be assertive and brave enough to make the first move. He doesn't want the ones with self-esteem that appear uncontrollable. Little does he know that in exactly way he can even control the most independent ones.

I honestly believe that I can be brave. I can control my actions, my words, my smile. I can be confident, I can talk to boys, I can be the center of attention.
Still, I don't have any power over my feelings. In the beginning, it was more of a game. I wanted to be a better and more confident version of myself. I wanted to meet people and acted like the extroverted woman every girl dreams of being. And talking to him, asking for his number, it all was part of this meaningless game. Part of this bet I had with myself.
I didn't plan on any feelings to hit me that night. I deemed I wasn't ready to fall in love again. And even less I thought it possible to fall for the diffident and reserved-looking boy in the white hoodie. It appears every now and then it needs no more than a bedazzling smile, sparkling eyes, and a handsome face.

But now I'm staring at my phone. Waiting for a text. I'm waiting since yesterday.

I lost power. I lost all the power I thought I'd gain as a result of the bet with myself. I can't control my feelings anymore. My thoughts are rushing through my mind without giving me the ability to stop them. The butterflies in my stomach seem joyful to be alive again. My heart decides on its own when to skip a beat. And mostly that's when the boy in the white hoodie texts me when he finally decides to give me a second of his attention to be the sovereign of my feelings.

Still, mostly he doesn't even pay me any attention. He, in every way, makes me the weakest I've been for a while. He steals all the serotonin my body wanted to produce and created chaos.

Everyone says you should forgive yourself for not knowing better until you knew better. But I already know better. I know what he does to me. And probably I could bring all this to an end. However, trying to focus on different thoughts is a just feeble attempt to be able to say I tried while in fact, I didn't want it to end. As a consequence, all the texts I sent him, all the texts he sent me are rushing through my mind endlessly. Did I say something wrong? Did I seem to be desperate? Too needy?

And I wonder what he is doing. Is he busy? Is he having a party? Is he already talking to another girl acting like the shy kid? Or did he finally decide to wear a black hoodie?

- August 2021