It is not fair. It is just not fair.
You cannot come back into my life like nothing happened. You cannot come back into my life like loving you was just a funny joke. You cannot come back whenever you want. But still, I let you.

Why would you ever assume I lost feelings for you? I never told you that I did. Many months since I last saw you passed by. Even I considered myself as over you. More than half a year has gone by since I told you about my feelings. Since you told me, you and me will never happen. I cried that year. A lot. I wrote poems, wrote stories, and created thousands of words thinking of you. You telling me, you did not want a relationship hurt more than it should, more than you could ever know or imagine. But it broke me, love.

All my friends know your name. Did you know that? They all know who I am talking about when I don't even mention a name. And they told me to let go, they got annoyed at me, they yelled at me. And I? I just told them what a wonderful person you are. You weren't even texting me anymore and I thought it was my fault, you know? You let it look like it was all my fault. Like I just wasn't the one.

Finally, after seas out of tears and thousands of clock rotations and a dozen of calendar sheets I realized I have to let go. I knew waiting and trying would not show my love. It would be nothing more than disrespecting your decision. Therefore, I respected what you said and started accepting our situation the way it is. I accepted I was not the girl you were looking for. I accepted that someday I will end up with someone else.
Weeks after that change of mind I met someone. It did not work out but it showed me I was ready. And that made me truly happy for a second. Can you imagine how happy I felt? After months of suffering because I could not have you and thought I would never want anyone else, someone made me smile again. I felt so free.
That being so, I started living again. I went to parties. I met new guys. And it all started going in a new direction. I was living again, love.

I was free until I made a tiny even unnoticeable mistake. I talked to you, when I saw you for the first time in over a year. Just a sentence, just a question, just a few meaningless words before the elevator took you away. So, tell me, why did you decide to continue the conversation over text when I walked away? Why is it the first time in months it is you that is texting first? Why right now, when I was over you?

Why were you so curious to know with whom I went on a date? And why did you call and talk to me like everything was fine? Like you never broke my heart? Why are you acting like my feelings for you were just a phase? 

And hun, what the hell where you thinking by telling me you were developing feelings for me back then? That you just rejected me because you were not in a mentally good state. That feelings were never the problem, but your illness was. Why are you telling me now? Love, that was not fair. Have you ever thought about me? Have you ever considered hearing those words could totally fuck me up? Did you really think I was over you and realizing that I maybe was the right person for you, would just do nothing to my mind, to my heart? Because now everything is fucked up. Now going on dates is different. 

I had stopped comparing everyone with you because the memory of you faded. But talking to you for hours brought everything back. And now I compare what I feel around others with what I feel around you. And it just is not that intense. When I look at them I do not see a future. But when I look at you, everything is so simple. It is so simple to know I would always choose you and never regret my choice. The whole thought of spending your whole life with one person seems scary. But do you know when the thought does not? When I look at your heart-stopping smile, when I listen to your joyful words, when I feel my crazy heartbeat around you.

Love, I will say it straightforward; thanks for fucking everything up again. If you ever again need to tell a girl, you are not ready for a relationship please just tell her. And do not tell her you were developing feelings. Do not compliment her and tell her she is as pretty you will fall with her if you will not be careful. Back then I would have given everything for those words, now they just fucked with my head.

You know I would never hate you, but that was an uncool move. That was unfair. You do not care about my feelings. You really do not. Why did you tell me what you told me? Did you enjoy the power? Are feeling good and confident for once in your life? It took me months to realize.

And I wish I could write some wise words, some great statement at the end of this but I cannot. I cannot tell you I hate you for what you did and will go on without you from now on. I cannot tell you I found better love. All that, unquestionably, would not be true. But I can tell you I am truly trying. I got over you once. I can do it twice. I will keep trying. And surely one day not a single word out of your mouth can influence me anymore. I will just take this as a test to get stronger. Please love, do not ever do this again to someone.