Aesthetic by mush2004
QOTD: "Has anything hurt so much you wanted to peel your skin off?"
Dedicated to all the people who won't answer this question because it has felt like that. 

 "Should've said no
  Should've gone home
  You should've thought twice before you let it all go."

Day#1

Dear Diary,
I honestly don't know what to do. So, I decided to write in you. The internet says it may help, writing my emotions down, so I know what I feel about a certain situation. I guess it will help with all this pregnancy stress. Right now, I have nothing to say, but, just so you know, I think I am not doing fine.

Okay, Kai just came home, I gotta go.

Day#2

Dear Diary,
I have cried more today than I did in the past week. Why? I don't know. Heck, it may even be more than the past year.

Maybe I do know, but I don't want to talk about it.

*Tear-stain*

Okay, maybe I just should. Today, a kid came to Aragain, the place I work at now. I haven't told Kai yet that I work, I just wash up real quick when I come back home and cook at the speed of light so he thinks I haven't left the house. I also don't know why I haven't told him, but it maybe because I'm scared of his reaction. Or maybe because I want my life to be like before I met him?

The last part is what Pastel told me but of course I don't trust her.

Anyways, back to the kid. He was around 7, I guess. When I was passing his mother flowers, he told me I was looking cute, like a tomato. It made me smile even though the reason of my flushed face was a rather sad one.

I lied to my friend and told her everything was fine, when just this morning, Kai-

*Another tear-stain*

I just wish he wasn't the way he is. I wish he would just understand and we could go out and sit in the park like a normal couple without me wondering if he'd suddenly get angry.

God, this diary isn't helping at all. I cannot write, I-

Day#21

Dear Diary,

I know I told you that I wouldn't write anymore but it's just been a really bad day, okay?
Sometimes I wonder why did I even bother to make friends if all they do is give me bad advice and hurt me?

I cannot believe she compared to my Mom. All my life, me and Ian have done nothing but regretted the genetic bond we hold to our parents because we turned out nothing like them. We were literally used by our mother as a method to gain the attention of Dad. Their relationship was toxic at best and-

But thinking about Zara's words in the car, I think maybe she wasn't giving such ad advice after all. And it hurts to think that. Maybe I am turning like her and I am even thinking of-

GOD. Ironic, huh?

I resented the woman who gave birth to me all my life only to turn more like her. The last thing I want is to hurt my child. The one thing in the world that used to make me smile the largest was him, now he makes me cry the most. There's no way I want this for our kid.

I fear Kai won't be a good father. Just like Zara said. My parents sure didn't even look at me more than once in my life, but they never hurt me. I'm scared Kai will though. And I'm feeling more restless by the second.

Still, I don't know what to do. I sure am not brave like Zara's Mom. I wish Ms. Audrey was here to guide me somehow. Her daughter is a bitch.

I hate it-

OH SHIT. Kai is here, damnit. He's screaming downstairs and I think he's very angry. Why today? I am just gonna hide this notebook before he-

Day#22

Dear Diary,

I am sure Kai read this. It was kept beside my hospital bed when I woke up. My little angel just died. I don't know what I did to deserve that, but I know now that I can't live with a man who killed my child. it hurts, it hurts so much. And not just physically, but it feels like my insides are hollow. there's nothing there and the realization is scary. 

I can't believe he threw me down the stairs when he saw this. 

I hope he dies in hell.

No, I don't.

I just-

I can't anymore.

*tear-stain*

Breathing hurts. Having thoughts of him in my brain hurts.

Zara told me and I never trusted her. I never paid heed. I should have known. I should've trusted her.

Should've have said no when he got down on one knee. Should have said 'I don't' at the alter.

Hell, I should've never said yes to a date with him. Should've averted my eyes when they landed on him during class. 

I am leaving him and that's for sure.

But how could I, when all I can think about are the good memories with him? But he was never the same Kai I fell for since I told him I was pregnant, isn't it?

God, I just wish I had the nerve to accept this before my baby was taken from me. 

I should've known.

A/N: Kill me if you want, but you can't deny having this access to her mentality was a little fitting. I have seen countless comments and various remarks telling Naomi to just suck it up and leave him but people never understand why she can't. Why once you see something so good in a person that you fall in love with them, all you want is to ignore the bad parts. 'Cause you know they have the capacity to be good.

Its a shame though when they don't live up to your expectations and break your heart.