Aesthetic made by the awesome Allegories_Myths

Dedicated to: read_writing_food . Coz I loved watching Love 101.

QOTD: "What is your favourite series? (Inside and outside Netflix)"

"What does living feel like when you have a numb soul?"

****

Something wrapped around my body, making me numb, when Naomi told me Kai came to visit her. Both her and Pastel refused to indulge me many details so all they told me was that Kai agreed to get a divorce.

Kai agreed to give Nan a divorce. Kai.

They also spoke about a funeral for Dawn. That's the name Nan chose for her daughter.

The weeks leading up to the funeral contained unanswered voicemails from Nathan and stolen glances from Ian.

I never spoke to him these days. Even though he was almost everywhere since Nan moved to his apartment after getting discharged. She said her house reminded her of grief. She doesn't plan on staying in that place ever again.

The only silver lining in these downhearted days was our mending friendship. It felt as if this incident brought all four of us together again, bringing us closer than ever. I know things about them that I didn't before-Talia works in bakery now and Pastel is planning to propose to my brother, Eli.

What a friend I must be to not know these basic information.

Even Naomi opened up about everything with Kai. The ghastly details refuse to leave my mind but I'm glad she felt comfortable enough to share these with us. But if I ever hated Kai, I think it has somehow intensified.

I almost told them about Nate yesterday. We had such memories-laughing, crying and farting-I felt like I owed them the truth like I owed them my existence.

But as I see Naomi and Kai walk side by side, wrapped in the grief of losing Dawn, I'm glad I didn't say those yesterday. It would've only added salt to the open wound of Dawn's death.

"Don't kill Kai today. I have hope for the man yet."

I narrow my eyes at Pastel as we take a seat inside the church. "You haven't seen him as I did. I have every right to shove him down a rabbit hole."

"And what way is it?" If only she knew. "Besides, he's a grieving father today. You were a grieving daughter once too. I don't think you would have felt awesome if someone jumped you."

"Saved by the fact. But we both know he'd deserve it." I catch Ian's eye narrowed at his soon to be ex brother-in-law as well, but look away before they land on me.

"When I saw him, he looked so remorseful. He was sorry."

I snort. "They always are."

She looks at me curiously. "I mean it Zar. He looked crushed. He asked for the divorce before Nan could. He did."

That gives me something to ponder about. But I don't get too much of a time as the Father starts speaking. I get close to Paste after a moment and say, "I'll never forgive him for Dawn though."

"Me neither. And I don't think Nan ever will either."

We stand again as Dawn's closed casket is brought out and follow the procession out. As the cold breeze hits me, I fumble with my scarf, trying to mask my face in a way that'll keep me warm.

Instead, I look at the person I have tried to avoid for weeks. A chill that has nothing to do with this absurd weather runs down my spine. I stand between Talia and Paste, trying my best not to look at him again. My heart and mind can't take it, a sort of anxiety gripping me at his presence.

I close my eyes, fear stricken. I think I visibly shrink, because the next thing I know, both my friends clasp my arms to their chests, hugging them. In this moment, I feel relief and beyond grateful as I open my eyes.

"It'll be alright." Talia mutters and kisses the back of my palm. Their warmth washes over my cold skeleton and I feel my heart rate slowly relax.

When the burial is over, people start to leave while Kai thanks them for coming. I see people give him their condolences and him nodding, the slight pain around the cervices of his eyes unmistakable. But still not enough for forgiveness.

I have a bad feeling that whatever Kai goes through, his pain would never match the amount of hurt he's put Naomi through.

As soon as I think of her, Naomi catches our eye and we immediately hug, her beacons of hope. Her own Dawns.

****

Call me.

I know I did something wrong. I know I did. Just please call me back.

I am nothing without you Zara and you know it. Don't ignore me for so long.

You busy tonight? We need to talk.

I bite my lip in nervousness. All my unanswered texts are from Nate; except the last one. I don't think I have ever been worried about having dinner with anyone. It's a weekend, so of course he thinks I'm free-which I am-and now I don't have any way to thwart this.

I have been dreading this for so long. I tried so hard to avoid this.

That night we almost slept together was a very, very bad day for me. Almost as worse as my mom's death. Too many things happened on that one single day. But Ian's presence was the only positive thing I came across that day.

I strongly fear that when we sit and talk it out, he'd say he regrets it and I'll be crushed. I don't want to start something with him yet. I can't just run from a man I thought I loved into the arms of another.

But I know his words of regret would still sting. I can't let him undermine the moments I hold so dearly. So, I don't reply. Naomi's presence at my home should be answer enough.

"You okay Mother of Cupcakes?"

"Evil Stepmother, where are you?"

"I think they're referring to you Zara."

"Huh?" I sit up at Nan's words, a wine glass and my phone still in my hand.

"You okay there?" Talia engulfs me in a bear hug, knocking my empty wine glass to the floor. It's been weeks since the funeral and the environment has been...tense, for lack of a better word. We all know Naomi is still going through grief at her own pace, so we just try to cheer her up and bring a smile on her face when we can.

"Yeah, I am. Just Nate texting." I lie. Even though I spent almost every living moment where I'm not working with his sister, Ian and I still don't talk. I made sure of that. And I didn't tell my friends about me and Nate.

Yeah, still a coward.

I hug Talia tighter.

"I would honestly do this every day, if your elbows weren't my enemies." She pulls away.

"What did my elbows do?" I deadpan, afraid she's drunk.

"It was digging into my boobs and messing with my abilities to breastfeed future children."

"We all know you'll never breastfeed, you're too proud of them." Pastel laughs. Seems like almost all my friends are drunk this evening.

Nan giggles and kicks her legs.

Okay, all of them are drunk.

"That's it, no more wine for any of you." I snicker.

"Hey don't be a joy kill! We were having fun!"

I hand them each a glass of water instead. Pastel pouts.

"I think I want to start working again. You know, a real job. Which can make use of the diploma I threw away years ago."

I smile. "That's awesome. I'm sure everyone will miss you at Aragain though."

"I will too. I didn't apply yet; I may need some of your help."

"I'll volunteer!" Pastel squeals. "But... I need you all to help me with Eli's birthday next month. I want to propose to him then."

"What a plan! Cheers to Pastel, getting all her life set!" Talia puts her glass of forward and we awkwardly follow suit.

"What are your thoughts?"

"I don't know, but I want to make sure it's so good, he cries. Maybe I'll bring Barack Obama. He loves Obama."

I internally facepalm. "Are you sober enough to have this conversation?" I can't believe I let them drink to hell while I stared at a text.

"Sure." She slurs.

"I'll give you pointers from when Kai proposed. It was honestly so romantic."

We all grow quiet. I don't dare look at Nan. I suddenly don't know what to do anymore.

"But now we're getting divorced. I can't believe it. How does a person change so much? He was so..." I can hear the beginnings of a knot forming in her throat, indicating she might start to cry.

That's the last thing I would want.

"Okay, we're all going to bed now!" It's too early to doze, but better sleep than cry. Plus, they'd have killer headaches next morning anyway.

"Wait, we still have to think of Eli's birthday-proposal!" Pastel whines as I almost forcibly take hold of her.

"Zara makes cakes. She can make a 'will you marry me' cake!" Talia shouts as I struggle to drag Pastel to bed. I'm sure they won't remember this conversation in the morning.

"That'll be awesome!" She squeals again and my ears bleed. I push her once inside the guestroom and she falls with a thud.

"Sweet dreams." I go to turn the lights out.

"Hey! Will Nate be there?"

I go still.

After a moment, I say, "where?"

"At Eli's birthday! I really love him, you know. You guys are perfect for each other. I hope you both are still together. He cares for you so much. He called me yesterday and asked me how you are. Weird, isn't it?"

"It is." I reply, completely taken aback. "'Night."

I turn the lights out.

Once in the living room, I'm surprised to find both Nan and fast asleep on the couch, clutching each other. They look like two twins. I smile and take a picture to show them tomorrow when they're going to be groaning and clutching their heads and tell them good things come out of bad times.

As the only person awake on this sleepover, I take a seat on the carpet and bump my head against the end table, lost in thought. I keep doing it, slowly, not hard enough to hurt, but my mind keeps racing. I act like such a violent but positive character in front of my friends, but alone my mind keeps overthinking on repeat.

"He called me yesterday and asked me how you are."

"You guys are perfect for each other."

I am nothing without you.

I want to scream. Things I don't want to think go through my mind in a cacophony that only burns off my skin the more I think about this.

I stand abruptly, not being able to do anything about my wits. I walk into my room, which holds almost nothing belonging to Nate anymore, but I can still picture him sprawled on my bed. Stroking my head. Brushing his teeth and tickling me.

I fall to the ground, clutching my head.

I feel like my mind isn't mine anymore. Its someone else's. And I can't seem to take back its ownership.

The doorbell rings, pausing the tear that I know that would've fallen soon.

I get up, wipe my face once and smooth down my dress, then go to check. My heart drops when I see Ian.

I open the door. "Is Naomi here?"

I nod. "She's sleeping." I don't look him in the eye.

"Guess I'll pick her up tomorrow." He says, almost to himself. So, I nod again and begin to close the door but he holds it open. "Look, Zar-"

"Please." I stop him. I gather strength and bravely look at him. He's shaved and looks like his teenage self when all I wanted to do was just ask him out and hold his hand. But I never voiced my desire then.

So I wouldn't now either.

Because now, looking at him, the only think I can think of his how warm his embrace would be. How it would calm my walking and breathing demons. How soft his lips would chase away my fears.

But my worries aren't his to deal with. They're mine.

I clear my throat in a fake sense of authority, when in reality my nails are digging into my palm, strong enough to draw blood, because I don't want to have to do this. But I have to. "There's nothing to talk about. There's nothing here, Ian. No point in wasting our time."

His entire demeanor drops. I can visibly see it and that kills me. This is not the first time this has happened. This isn't the first time I have caused him to feel like this and I hate myself for it. I can feel a sliver of blood dance on my palm.

"You're serious?" He finally speaks. "You're telling me you feel nothing here? At all?" he motions between us.

I shake my head. "I really don't. Besides, you and Aree have more chemistry than me."

He laughs. "God. She and I don't have anything going. I just took her out on Claire's homecoming as a way to make you jealous. She's already engaged, she's been my friend since med-school and when I told her about you, she agreed to help me. But I never thought you'd think that." He laughs some more. "Is that you're doing this? Areebah and I don-" He tries to take my hands in his, but I back away and this diminishes his smile.

"No. I genuinely don't think there's anything here." I need to be my own self again before I can even think of involving anyone in my fucked-up life, but I can't tell you that. You won't get it.

"You have to joking."

"I'm not. I think you should leave. Give Areebah my best." I try to close the door.

"Wait. You do realize if we do this-if you do this-I'll never talk to you again. I'll make sure we never speak or converse or see each other ever again. At all." He takes a deep breath. "You have to tell me if you really mean it."

I don't miss a beat. "I do." I don't. Really, really don't.

"Okay." He looks everywhere but me. I can see what my words have done to him, though he tries to hide it at the best of his ability. And that's the thing about Ian. He wears his emotions on his sleeves. "I'll go then. Don't open the door when I come for Naomi tomorrow." With that, he walks out of my driveway.

He doesn't see, but his last words make me literally fall to the floor.

I made him hate me.

And this time, no tears fall down my face. Because not every pain means crying and hugging the pillow. Sometimes it means smiling and making jokes with your friends even though the affliction is always at the back of your mind.

When I sleep, unlike all the other nights, its Ian's name I whisper as I fall into the well of nightmare-town.

But true to my word, I don't open the door in the morning when he swings by to pick Nan up.

Instead, I depuff my eyes and call Dr. Areebah Carrington.  

A/N: Wow, I did this. Only 17days after I last updated! Ig I can make them faster soon if I don't go into slumps so often! 

What do you think of this chapter? *Hides in the closet to not get killed by the shots*

Whats up with Aree and Zara? (I hate cliffhangers too, trust me.)

I have 2 tests tomorrow, I really shud study but I'm here editing this chapter for 2 hrs! Better read it well! 

Love y'all. Stay safe and stay healthy.

~~Zareen🥀