Dedicated to sufiena1608 for telling me to stop ranting on Instagram.

QOTD: "What's the most productive thing you did during Quarantine?"

"We were already living on the Faultline. And for a while you were all mine. But then our forever broke apart in an earthquake. And so did our fate."

****

You know what they say dying feels like?

No. You don't know what they say, because no one says it. The people who die aren't around to tell us what it felt like when it happened. The people who lived never died to begin with, so they're unable to describe it. But I think I just did.

People say you see your life flash in front of you during the moment you die. I don't. All I see is Ian. And it's not like I'm complaining. But as my eyes remain open and the panorama of Ian moving around in front of my eyes doesn't cease, I realize I am not dead.

But it feels like that.

I can practically see the life seeping out of me and onto the floor. But I don't dare do anything to change it. I deserve it.

****

The hospital that once made me feel inferior does nothing but the same when I visit it again. Only this time the feeling is more intense, it makes me feel worse, for lack of a better word.

I can't help but think that my words earlier today somehow made her do this.

Ever since Ian told me about Nan's miscarriage, I just can't shake off that feeling. I've made enough mistakes that caused Naomi to be in the position she's in right now. I behaved rudely to her every time she brought up Kai and last time when we spoke about her idea of an abortion...

Though I know that a surgical abortion is not possible at the stage she is in, I wonder if she orchestrated it. Even the thought of it makes me sick. Maybe I've become delusional.

"You alright?" I flinch at Ian's grip on my back but quickly mask it with a cough.

"Of course. Just worried." He eyes me a little too long but drops his hands as we walk to the cabin she's in.

After we got the call from Kai, we had to stop our Devil's tango midterm. I still can't get it understand how we got into that position.

Though Ian wanted to leave alone, I begged him to take me along. Now I think I regret it.

In all honesty, I don't want to meet Nan. I feel guilty beyond hell (I sure belong there) but I have to know if the miscarriage was intentional. Though I have a feeling it is, I know Nan isn't anything like her mother and she would never want to harm her own baby. What she said to me was definitely a moment of weakness and this is just...

I don't know anything anymore.

I just hope I'm wrong.

When we enter the cabin, Kai is nowhere to be found. Nan is laying on the bed in a rather crumpled up state, her body curled into itself. It makes me even more desolate than before.

I cannot look at her for more than a minute, but stay put inside.

This day has been one clusterfuck of a mess and I just want a good night's sleep. And to leave.

"Are you really alright?" I nod and sit on a plastic chair. Ian looks unsure, but leaves me inside as he goes to talk to her OB-GYN. I want to leave so bad, but we came here in his car and mine is in the bar parking lot. The anxiety feels crippling. After a quick talk, he returns and sits beside me. "I don't know what to do.""Me neither." I whisper.

"This is such a mess. And Kai left it to me to solve. Who leaves their wife after she has lost a child?"

The kind who doesn't give a fuck. But I don't tell him that. "What actually happened?"

"Well, the OB-GYN is unsure of that..."

I raise an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, she said Nan fell down the stairs. But Nan was advised to take the downstairs room during their last check-up. So, the chances of her being upstairs..."

I frown in thought. I look at Nan in her hunched state. And then it clicks. "Do you mean Kai..." He nods, refusing to look at my eyes. I feel a kind of anger inside me which I didn't knew existed burn like a cathartic flame. "This would also explain why he left so quickly..."

A deathly silence follows.

"Sometimes, I really wish I could just take away all her pain. But what can I do, if she loves most the one thing that brings all the pain in her life?" His voice is hoarse, full of hurt and sadness. I can only agree.

I can't do anything to console him, though the desire to reach out and hold his hand feels so natural. I stand abruptly. "I need to talk to her."

He nods as I take a seat beside the bed, where Nan is still unconscious, probably not knowing what happened to the star whom she thought would light up their lives. I take her hand instead, refusing to wipe the tears on my eyes.

When I look up at Ian again, pity that I wish wasn't there swims in those amber eyes. But he gets my indication and leaves. I slump down and rest my head on Nan's chest as I hear the cabin door shut behind us.

"I'm not sure what to say or do but I am here and I am so sorry. For everything I did, for everything I didn't do to help you, for every time I gave advice that didn't help shit. You came to me of all people to ask for help and I so badly misused your trust that it cost you your baby. I'm so, so sorry. I shouldn't have said that." I clutch her hands in mine like she's a resurrection stone and I'm a dying farmer.

Guilt is a funny thing. It wraps around your heart and squeezes till you feel like you can't breathe. You don't realize it until you feel that every breath, a little less oxygen enters your lungs. It hurts to look at the person whose life I so meticulously ruined. I could honestly write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect life.

My eyes catch a notebook of destruction when I wipe my eyes. If I had ever thought anything could make me feel any guiltier about this whole situation, Naomi proved me absolutely wrong.

Creeping in on her personal thoughts feels wrong, but from what I can tell from the outside, it's probably not such a journal. It's left wide open in the middle on a blank page, so I guess much hasn't been written on it.

But why would she carry a journal with her when she's having a miscarriage? To write about her feelings?

Before I can think twice, I grab it.

Dear Diary,
I honestly don't know what to do...

Dear Diary,
I have cried more today than I did in the past week. Why? I don't know. Heck, it may even be more than the past year...

Two accounts of her days are written and looking at it, I already feel bad. The notebook is full of ink splotches as if her tears dropped on the writing and messed with it. The twinge of pricking I feel for her makes me not want to read further. Its best if I left her emotions to herself.

But what if she had written more about her pregnancy? Of how she felt? It may actually give me a clue as to what happened today.

I turn to the next page, all my tears wiped, still holding one of her hands and see there's only one more entry.

I open it.

Dear Diary,

I know I told you that I wouldn't write anymore but it's just been a really bad day, okay?
Sometimes I wonder why did I even bother to make friends if all they do is give me bad advice and hurt me?

God, she was so scared of Kai. I never knew. She never told me. I can't even believe she was thinking of leaving him today. But then why would she...?

Unless of course she didn't. It's pretty clear from reading this that she wouldn't ever hurt her child. She was thinking of leaving him! For her baby!

She couldn't have done this to her unborn baby. So, did Kai read this and...

I don't know how to keep this piece of information inside me. I want to go and tell someone, tell them that Naomi is finally thinking of breaking free, that everything will be alright but then I remember, it won't.

The worse has already happened. Naomi has already had a part of herself die and it doesn't matter who she is with now. The one thing holding her together has left her side. The light of her life has gone.

If only I had done more, something, anything...

How could Kai do this? How could one ruin the happiness of the person they claim to love?

Naomi stirs in her sleep. I think she's about to wake up. I don't think she wants to see me when she wakes up. I am the one person who has let down the most in this life. I call for Ian and he enters soon after. He rushes to her immediately as she rustles. And without a glance in his direction, I leave the cabin. Maybe someone would call me heartless, but I'd just call me selfish.

When I stand in a corner outside the cabin, I hear doctors rushing towards patients, nurses muttering and family of patients either crying or smiling. But that's it. It's all I see. But I don't feel like I'm in this hospital with them. All I can think about is that I'm in that dark place where Naomi was. I can imagine it all, feel it all because I was there just a month ago. The same, pathetic dungeon and I feel like I still haven't left. And it hurts to think that I may still have feelings for him. The tears don't stop.

"Are you going to leave her during a time like this?" Ian's raspy voice startles me.

I turn to see his angry glare and I don't really know what I did to put it there. Or I do and I just don't want to admit it.

"What do you mean?" I try for nonchalance.

"Please don't pretend. Not with me." His pointed stare goes straight to my dark soul and I want him to get off, but I know I can't make him go away.

"You know what she wrote in her diar-"

"I know, I read it all right now. If she thinks you aren't a good friend, prove her wrong. Don't run away from everything. That's not how you deal with life. You don't run away or turn your back on people when shit breaks lose, you stick together." He shakes his head in incredulity.

I don't know how to react to his astute words. Sometimes I swear his words contain daggers that dig their way under my skin.

"Yeah, but you don't get it. I don't really think I should go. She probably doesn't even want to see me."

"What she wants is for her to decide, not you. You can't make decisions based on what you assume the other feels. 'Cause you aren't the person on the other side, you'll never understand how they feel."

"Ian, you're not-"

"Shut up and come with me." He takes my hand in his and leads me to the cabin. But I am not resisting.

I have a feeling Ian knows things about me that I don't know myself. Or else he wouldn't take me to the cabin like this, without knowing I want more than anything to hold Nan.

As soon as enter the cabin, her eyes fall on me. "Zara..." She says softly and she starts crying even more than before. I almost run to her, take the notebook she was writing in and hug her. She completely breaks down and I clutch her closer, not being able to rein in my own tears.

"It hurts, it hurts so much. He...I can't believe he-"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I should've done more. I should've..." I say to her over and over again. Because I know I can't say anything about Kai to make her feel better. She just shakes her head and cries more.

"I love you." She whispers after a while, with me still holding her.

"I love you too." I reply, my voice hoarse, but my lungs free of the guilt.

"I want to leave him. He doesn't get to take every ounce of happiness from my life."

"Yes, you will." I clutch her tighter.

"We all support you." Ian says.

I look up at the older Snow sibling, smiling down on us, almost as if he's smirking. I want to smack him on the face because of the look it holds, but instead I keep holding Nan.

And after an hour, as I see her write in her journal, I call Pastel and Talia the first time in months. I let myself cry again when I tell them what happened and they listen like the sisters they are. Then they come over and we talk. I speak and hug them more than I ever have.

Because this time I'm not running away. I'm doing what I should have done from the start. I stay. 

A/N: I'm just gonna hit publish before i think twice. This chapter was one of the hardest to write, because seeing Naomi and Zara in pain; two of my favourite characters; was very hard. 

As you can see, no Nate in this chapter. My friend wants a redemption arc for Nate. Do you guys want it>?

I have no idea how to continue the next chapter without some help. I have 2 ways in my mind tht the story can go, tho the ending remains the same. Pick wisely, ig.

Stay safe and healthy pple.

Peace out ✌

~~ Zareen🥀