Dedicated to the_vampgal for turning up in other people's comments!

Aesthetic by the A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. prettyimbecile !

QOTD: "What is the one memory that ALWAYS make you cry when you think back?"

'I just wish to hug you when all of this is over.'

****

Once I hit the accelerator, I knew what I needed. This day has been an endless long drive around town that I did not need. What I needed was a drink to cool the heck down.

When I had stepped down on McLaren's, I never imagined my world would spin the way it did.

Ever since the first drink hit my system, I knew what I was doing wrong the whole day. I should have been drinking myself to oblivion rather than parading around town because now emotions I don't want to contemplate are running lose and everything is going too fast for my slow brain. From Naomi's choked up words to Ian's kiss, those Snow siblings have successfully fucked up with my brain.

After the last shot of tequila, I realized that I am tipsy. Though I'm a reckless drinker when I want to be, even I know when to draw the line.

I order a water and start my favorite hobby. Looking around a place and see it happy people and realizing what a shitty and lonely life I lead. So many friends I have, with no one to tell the truth to. Two lovely cousins I have, but no one to call home.

But I guess a bar isn't a place that can actually make me feel sad. There aren't any couples here, neither are here men who hug each other like long lost brothers. This place is full of tension and a kind of energy that can only be described as dread. People are either here with the mindset of drowning themselves in sorrow, or fight it out.

"Don't you dare take that beer from my hand!"

Speaking of fighting it out...

There's a lot of rustling noises and a loud bang as if a table fell over but I don't bother to look.

"Give me that, you piece of shit."

Okay. That's it, we're leaving. I ask the bartender-who was watching the fight going on in awe-to give me the tab. After I finish paying, I turn to leave. But not before a certain someone catches me eye.

I will not cry.

I will not cry.

I will not cry.

I will not cry.

I WILL NOT CRY.

My mother used to say there's no such thing as a coincidence. But after a big rant from me about how this is bullshit, she reluctantly withdrew her statement. Funny how now that she's gone, I can relate to her more. I can agree with her words just as they always were-facts.

 Because this can be no coincidence that I see the man I love-no, as Ian said-the man I think I love, I can't help but think maybe coincidences don't exist after all. Maybe I did need to see this. Maybe I did need to see that Nate can lose his temper whenever he wants to.

My feet have a mind of their own as they slowly, but surely, tug me closer to him. From where I am, I can hear the conversation he's having with the man he's punching. The guy is currently laid down, his back to a table, while Nate hovers over him like a giraffe.

"You won't ever dare touch something of mine."

The barbarous tone of Nate has me remembering all the bad things. The man just smiles and the it is so sinister; I feel chills run down my spine. "Come on man, it was a joke. And you'll do what? Punch me? You're already doing that honey."

A chorus of 'woah' surrounds me, but I can't stop looking at Nate, the ferocity in his eyes not surprising me, but definitely answering all my unanswered questions I didn't even know I had.

"No, I will kick you so hard you won't be able to jerk off without thinking of me for the upcoming three months." Nate raises his leg and motions for punching. The man just smirks at his threat.

The people here are shallow enough to cheer for him. I feel like I need to vomit. I am sick to my core. I have seen Nate angry, but I have never seen him this...mad. I have no idea to how to feel about to this version of him or how to even look at him.

"Oh, well, I am not the one pretending to be going to anger management programs to string along a girl who's good in bed."

Okay, ouch, that hurt.  

I sway a little, but before I can fall, the man beside me grabs my elbow. I thank him and realize that I am definitely way more than tipsy. The best decision right now would be to go home while I still have a hold on my dignity and mushy brain. I don't think I should even be here when all I want to do it cry. I vaguely realize these drinks haven't helped me after all. i still feel as shitty as I did after I kissed Ian.

I mutter a quick thank you and try to get out of his grasp, but he isn't that easy to convince. 

"Excuse me, I would like to go home." I say as calmly as possible but all I see is red alert signs, causing me to not be calm and panic.

"Sure, I-"

I never get to hear what he says, because of course Nate, my pretend knight in a shining armor-whom I didn't ask for-shows up out of the blue and gives the dude such an aggressive look, that he gets too scared and leaves my arm.

But then Nate takes said arm literally manhandles me out of the bar. My anger seems to hit its peak as he drags me as if I'm a toy at Toys "R" Us.

I want to slap him, kick him, scream at him for giving me the chills that I have craved for in the past month, but I am way too tiddly to protest and afraid that I'll speak my mind, so I keep shut.

When he finally gets us out of the bar without a single word to me, I apply full force and get my arm of his grasp. This time, losing contact with him doesn't end up with me wanting to scream, but a fierce sort of relief engulfs me.

I walk towards my car, knowing that I shouldn't drive in this state but I would do anything to get away from Nate. I can't look at him, be with him, or do anything that involves him. I'm pretty sure in this moment that we were never meant to be. The signs were all there, always there, but I just never noticed.

He's full of anger like me, but I'm not aggressive.

He's impulsive like me, but I'm not explosive.

He's caring unlike me but I'm not a liar.

But if there's one thing, I hate more than smoking, it is confronting others; impulsive ones not counting of course. But I don't think I am even in the state to strike up a conversation with him and not give in, so I just won't.

Wait, how can someone impulsively confront someone?

I really am drunk.

Or wait, maybe someone can, or am I just...?

"Are you seriously gonna ignore me after yesterday?"

I stop my determined stride. Bring it for him to ruin my moment of divine intervention. I turn around, a glare in my face I usually reserve for others, but not for Nate, never for Nate. But I guess things have changed a lot around here. "Excuse me? Who are you to me that I have to acknowledge you?"

He laughs dryly. I didn't even notice before; it was probably 'cause of my anger; but Nate looks hammered. Like really, really hammered. "Sometimes I think you're the one who has to get checked out. Your moods change more than the sky during sunset."

"Funny you would say that. And I was here wondering how I could possibly kiss someone yes while you lied the hell out on my gullible ass yesterday." My sarcasm does hit a bone on him like I wanted, but I don' think it hit the right one.

"You did what?" The momentary anger that flashes in his eyes proves me right. I wanted to hit the hurt one, not the jealous one, urgh. But it has me squinting my eyes in return, pretending I am glad I did it. If he's gonna do something to hurt me, I'll make sure I hurt him the same way emotionally if not physically.

"Oh yes, I did. Don't you dare act like you care about it though, it's evident from you actions that you don't even care about me."

"What? I? I am on the one who doesn't care? You came back to town parading around me, took me in to have your fill and spit me out the moment I did something to hurt you. What about the things you did to hurt me? That doesn't count? So, pardon me while I didn't do one thing because it took a toll on me."

I just shake my head, completely faking that his words didn't hit a nerve. They hit my entire chest, body and soul but if in doubt, put on an act.

"Nate, please don't pretend you did just one thing to hurt me. We both know you did a fair share of... stuff. We both did and I admit it, but that doesn't excuse the fact that-"

"I know, okay? I know!" He shouts, interrupting me. "I came here today because I was sad and felt shitty that I lied to you. Lied to you so easily like this wasn't a big deal. I know I did something wrong and it would hurt you, but-"

"You did it anyway." I take a deep breath, looking at the ground, knowing the confidence alcohol is providing right now won't last forever. "Look, Nate, I think we should end things. Officially. No space BS, no nothing. I just-let's just- be alone." At least it'll be better than the pain that accompanies me when we're together.

"What the hell are you talking about? Are you serious, you can't be serious! Zara, look, I am telling you that I feel shitty, why can't you just forget this and move on. Why can't we just go back to normal? Like how we were before this started?" He takes me hands and coaxes me to look at him but I can't. Not when I am filled with so much negative emotion towards him.

"No, we can't." My face softens slightly, but in hurt. Not when you never say sorry, you never act like you repent the things you do to hurt me. And you do so many of them. Tears I swore I wouldn't let fall, cascade down my cheeks anyway. Recently I have become the epitome of an emotional mess and it has always been around Nate or because of him. If I even want to be myself again, I need to get away as far away as possible.

"You can't mean that, you can't." His voice breaks and so does my heart, but I don't dare let it show. Hell, I don't even look at his eyes in fear of doing something I'll regret later.

"Look Nate, I wish the best for you. I do, I really do. And I don't know why, but I'm still a believer that you can be better-"

"Fuck getting better, Zara, I'm not a freaking sick patient, stop making me feel sick, I am not!"

"I am not-"

"You always do that. You always do. I am a human Zara, I can't get better, I am who I am and you can't fucking change me."

"I wasn't eve-" I stop before I finish. Because that is exactly what I have been doing.

Telling him to go 'fix' himself, that he isn't himself and what not. What have I been doing? Thinking Nate hurt me when clearly, I am the toxic one in this relationship. If Nate even slightly wants to get better-no. If he wants to be happy, he has to stay away from me. I'm clearly a bad influence.

On me, on him and on everyone I have ever met. Just thinking about the way, I hurt Nan today has me wanting to wallow in a corner. But it does strengthen my resolve.

"I am sorry, Nate, I'm so sorry, I really am." I say and drop his arms from around me painfully, not wanting to see the agony on his face and not wanting to show him mine. We clearly shouldn't have been together from the start.

I rush away before I do something stupid. For half an hour I sit in my car, not crying anymore but just reflecting on life. I wish I was sober right now, but my constant urge to just call him,  proves I'm not. So, I do the first thing that comes to my mind and think I'll pick my car tomorrow morning.

"Hey. Before you open your stupid mouth, come pick me up, I'm drunk and at McClaren's."

One last time I'll stay here, one last time I'll see him, then I'll go away forever.

****

"You must feel like you hit the jackpot, picking up a drunk as hell girl from a bar." I joke.

"Would you shut up and focus on not throwing up in my car?" The animosity in his voice has me wounded.

"Woah, way to be rude."

"I'm just giving you a taste of you own medicine. You're the one who told me my mouth is stupid."

And of course, his quotes match Areebah's. They're fucking soulmates.

"Because it is, Ian. Every time you open your mouth, you spit something venomous."

"That'll be you I'm afraid. Even Areebah speaks more nicely to the patients."

Okay, I'm done here. "Just focus on getting to my house stupid. You can talk to darling Aree tomorrow."

I don't want to talk about the love of his life so I look out the window and look at the starless night sky. I It reminds me of the times when I used to stay up all night wondering what dress to wear to prom. With Nate, of course. I gently shake my head to rid me of that thought. Not in the mood to ruin my current mood.

The meeting with Nate today was terrible to say the least and I don't want to re-hatch it. I don't even know why I called Ian to pick me up. I have millions of others friends. But all I could think about when I left Nate standing there was that I was in pain and I needed to feel better. And in the last couple of days, only Ian seemed to have achieved that goal. "Are we there yet?"

"Soon." is all he says.

When we do arrive, I wobbly get out of the car and thankfully without Ian's assistance. I don't know what I would do if he touched me right now. He stays with me as I open my house door and enters without even being invited.

"Why are you drunk?"

And the questions start.

"None of your business."

"Don't be sassy right now, Zar, I'm serious." Since when does he call me Zar? His voice and expression are stern but when I smile wickedly and jut my chin out, he softens. "Okay, anyways," he attempts seriousness again, "I wanted to apologize to you about earlier today. I kissed you without your consent and I..."

I zone him out as soon as the word kiss leaves his mouth. Because all I can think about when he says that is cheery lips and crystal skies and I think I am going to die of I don't feel his lips on me again.

How many effing drinks did I have?

I don't wait for him to be finished, I just jump him and press my lips against his, my arms hugging him in an attempt to extract all his smiles and warmth. His momentary hesitance quickly vanishes as he kisses me back, our tongues fighting their own game of thrones.

He walks us backward, slowly, taking the lead. Softly pushing me, he lays me down on the couch in my living room, our lips still attached, hands exploring each other like we found water in a desert. This kiss just went from sweet to hot to 100-degree Celsius, but I don't mind right now.

I put my hand under his shirt, focused on getting it off soon and he breaks the kiss to inhale a sharp breath, his eyes meeting mine in silent question.

Our communications seem so seamless I don't even blink while nodding, mesmerized by the slight green in the hazel of his eyes. He pulls back, fully taking his shirt off, then his hands go under mine, caressing the curves there and I can't help but yelp. He laughs and it's like we're in our own bubble and it can't get broken. We're transfixed by each other, mutual attraction and lust killing us and yet healing us at the same time.

None of us has spoken a word in the last 4 minutes of staring but I like it. Except when he begins to pull away again and I whine. He chuckles. "We need to talk about this, Zars." I shake my head and try to kiss him again, seeking that remedy balm of his lips. He leans away. "You told me yourself you have a boyfriend."

"I don't anymore." I simply say.

He looks shocked for a moment but after a while frowns like he finally got something right. "Was that why you got drunk? You guys broke up?"

"No." I say but don't bother giving an explanation. "Does that really matter now? We were kissing and that is what is important."

"No Zara, if we want anything to work, we have to talk. we can't just have a one-night thing and never speak again."

"Why can't we?"

"Because I don't want to." His words don't shock me, I know he's the type of guy who gets attached, but he needs to know I'm not.

"Do you also not want to be a one-night thing with Areebah?"

My words genuinely seem to have thrown him under the bus as he raises his eyebrows. He's about to answer me with his stupid mouth when his stupid phone rings in my stupid house. Yes, everything is stupid. He motions for a minute and I nod. "Yes. What have you called me-What? You can't be serious." His expression changes into an agonized one and I sit up, scared. "What have you done you b-My sister better be-Ok, we'll be there." He doesn't even bother to say a bye and hangs up.

"Who...?"

"Kai." Ian doesn't even need to tell me why Kai called. I already know.

Just when I think things could take a turn for the better or I find a bit of a happiness in the midst of a hurricane, it all just gets swiped away like a whirlwind on loose.

I really just wanted one last night with no agony. Guess I'm not getting it.

I mean, how could I ever dream of being happy when I am the darkness myself?

A/N: 3322 words. Its not the most i have ever written in a chapter, but its not the least either. 

Btw, hi! How much did u like this chapter? (assuming u didn't hate it, ofc)

SO I WROTE THIS DURING MY EXMS, IM SO BAD! WISH ME LUCK THO, i hv one almost everyday till 6th of april!

also, I didn't put any question of the day and this banner in the last chapters, im SOO stupid! (but they're here now.)

this is a good day so far, so don't wanna jinx it, but do tell me ur thoughts on this chapter?

What do you think happened to Nan? do u agree with zara tht she is the 'darkness'?

Have a nice day ahead and peace out!

~~Zareen.

p.s. i wrote this a long time ago, but im publishing it now coz i hv some new stuff ready so i guess i can update once every two weeks, wht do u all say?

Any complaints from the story so far?