IMP. A/N: This is a minor but imp. character called Areebah Carrington (named after my sis areebahafzal), who may or may not act a lot like my sister. She's imp. in the sense tht she's rlly wise, (like my sis) and is philosophical at heart. She will appear in later chapters, but holds a small part in this chapter. I hope u guys like her, no LOVE her. And remember, she's the exact opposite of Zara, so Aree may be a bit sweet at times. *wink*

Dedicated to: lustedfeelingsxox . Coz she's my husband.

QOTD: "What secret conspiracy would you like to start?"

https://youtu.be/osdoLjUNFnA

"No one tells you what to do when a good man hurts you. And you know you, hurt him too."

****

Nate's absence is noticeable in everything: the pictures on my laptop, his toothbrush in my washroom, even his clothes on my closet.

But now I have learned to ignore them. Not let these small details of something great we had get to me and suddenly make me emotional. I have learned not to let these emotions take the upper hand.

I have pushed all thoughts of him so far away in the back of my mind, I don't think even the 'Elder Wand' in Harry Potter can summon them back.

Many a times though, I feel guilty. Guilty because I made the decision for us to separate so that I can survey through my mind and heart. And I want to as well. But I guess I'm just not strong enough yet to open that folder. Everything is stuck in the back of my mind, nonetheless.

I get proof of that in my sleep every night. Sometimes I wake up to a nightmare. A bad dream where Nate had the same expression he did after he pushed me. That same, harsh, cruel expression, etched on his admirable face as if it were made for it. I didn't see anything else, just that expression, but it was horrible enough that I woke up with a start, sweating and gasping for breath.

It felt as if that one event had such a deep scar on me, I kept reliving it. A week of these similar dreams and I decided things have to change.

I threw his toothbrush in the bin. Stuffed the picture frames under the cupboard. Deleted his pictures from my phone. Removed his clothes from my closet. Even gave away my teal dress to an employee.

And yet, the nightmares stuck. A wicked reminder of my bad choices.

Afterwards, when I lay asleep in my bed, wondering to hell how to fall asleep again; or if I even should because the risk of nightmares were always there; I would try to decipher what Nate must have been doing.

Nate, the root cause of all my discomforts. And supposedly the man I thought I once loved.

Was he really in Australia? In a new job? Is he really getting the help I asked him to get? Does he like his therapist? What was they talk about?

Or has he moved on? Found someone nicer, better? Who would accept him as he is. No conditions, nothing.

I think I would like that.

As soon as I'd have that thought, my heart would constrict, making its feelings be heard.

Subconsciously, I always knew the contents of my heart. But the absurdity of it had me in denial.

I didn't want to accept that I loved a man who would hurt anyone else. That I would love him. But I can't escape from the truth much longer, can I?

And yet my denial ran far deep and within. It even made me believe I could care for and like another person...

The nightmares left me with midnights void of any sleep. To get a break from the constant shaking, I took out my phone one night. Without knowing, I pressed Ian's number. When he picked up, he told me he was on a break between shifts and I couldn't have got him at a better time.

We'd talk about everything and nothing, as I would feel my heartbeat slow down and turn to normal. He would never want ask why I called him at such a time, and I appreciated it. I guess he knew, or else an inquisitive guy like him wouldn't let something like that go.

And so it became a routine. After every nightmare, I would call or text him, and he would always reply, whether asleep or at a shift. I would selfishly use him to get down my adrenaline high, as we would argue which NFL player should dump which model.

But tonight my dreams took a weird turn. It wasn't Nate's haunting face that visited me, but Ian's. A battered and bruised face, while someone was snapping away his bones. I woke up with as gasp as blue and hateful orbs kept flashing before my eyes, as if a depressing hymn.

As I lay down, trying to calm my racing heart, I didn't even reach the phone like I usually would. I didn't even have it in me to call him, because the sight I saw just now had me appalled.

Every night that I'd call him, it was to escape from the ugly restraints of my mind where those horrible memories lived. Ian wasn't in that. He was situated in a bright place, happy and content, where everything made sense. Where no cruelty could intervene. He was like a guardian angel of a far away land, that had nothing to do with my nightmares. He was the perfect person who wouldn't hurt me.

I sigh. I guess that's what Ian meant. I considered him as something so perfect, but that's so far from the truth.

Yet, that is not what I am so afraid about. It's the fact that I was right. That the lines considering everything are getting blurred in my head. Oh, so blurred.

Every night that this continued, I'd never cry. Not once. Just shake till it all disappeared. But tonight I'm crying. Because to see him that hurt, made me feel hurt. I feel the tears falling down, slowly but each one carries the amount of hurt of a mountain.

The fact that nothing is perfect, that everything is so unpredictable, has me scared. One day I can see that all is fine, but the next day, I can see something grave has happened that I can't wrap my head around. Like me and Nate. One day we were fine and then...

I know I have developed a sort of caring feelings for Ian and that is so not right. Here I am, in separation with the love of my life, and now I'm crying thinking of another man?

This is all so fucked up. I keep looking at the ceiling and when I feel my head suffocating me, I get up and rush to the balcony. When I feel the cold night air touching my skin, I find myself relaxing.

I don't realize I carried my phone with me until it vibrates.

Are you okay? You didn't call or text today. :Ian

It's Ian. See, inquisitive. I curse myself the moment that thought escapes my mind. And as soon as I start to smile, I stop.

If there's anything I have learnt in the last couple of weeks, its pretending. Pretending I didn't just wake up from an earth shattering nightmare. Pretending I didn't just think of calling Nate right now. Pretending I didn't just purposely give my dress to another person because it reminds me of Nate.

So what's with another lil' bit of pretending that won't raise any questions?

Z: Oh, yea. I was about to. Just got distracted by social media for a while.

Pretending I didn't see you in my dreams tonight and so I didn't text. Pretending I don't have the teeniest bit feelings for you.

I don't trust you. :Ian

My heart stops. He can't be serious. Of course he can't see through em like glass, right?

Just Kidding. Are you coming to Claire's housewarming today? :Ian

I sigh. I am tempted to say no, but I promised her a cake.

Z: Yes, I am.

Good. See ya there. :Ian

"See ya." I murmur aloud and hug my phone to my chest, a tiny smile on my face at the thought of meeting him. I reply to him with a smiley face. So much for pretending I don't like him.

****

"You look like a dead cat passed on you." Shorty says, giving me a once over and specially looking at the brown bags under my eyes. I try to avoid his assessing stare, like I did all the other days before and focus on making the cake I promised Claire for her house warming.

"Are you listening to me?" Shorty insistently asks, sweeping his hands in front of me, blocking my view of the measuring cup. I sigh angrily, in mock frustration and that makes him back off. "Okay. calm down, princess."

I reply anyway. "If a cat is dead, it can't piss on me. Therefore, it would've been a stupid move to reply to your moot point." I continue mixing the ingredients with a blank expression.

"I Have no idea what you meant by that." He looks perplexed.

After a while, I reply, "I have no idea what I meant as well." We both laugh out in giggles and the staff at the bakery looks at us as if we're a couple of aliens.

Ever since my leg has healed and I came back to Aragain, the business has been at its peak. So much so that I have to come and help people sometimes. Yesterday, I went to the restaurant to help the chefs' cook. I made quite a lot of dishes that were a hit. Today, I am at the bakery... helping myself bake.

When my fit of giggles ended, I took a deep breath, trying to calm my rapid heartbeat.

"It's good to see you laughing." Shorty says with a melancholic expression on his face that has me confused.

"Why do you say that? Don't I laugh often?" I start mixing the batter again with a raised eyebrow.

"Not that much since Nate broke your heart." I drop the spatula on the bowl with the loud clank and look up at him. He raises both his eyebrows in response. My throat feels like it got stopped by a big ice block and speech seems highly improbable.

"We're not all dumb bunnies, you know. We think- No. We know that something with Nate happened or you wouldn't ignore everyone so much."

"We?" is the only question I can seem to ask after I clear my throat.

"Me, Eli." He says nonchalantly.

"You guys talk?" I am sure, I look so stupid, that somebody should really take my picture and hang it in the hallowed walls of the 'Hall of Stupid'.

He just shoots me another raised eyebrow my way and I shake my head. Then fire away another question. "Did you talk to Ian too?"

"Your seemingly new boyfriend? No." He snorts.

That does me. "Seriously? He is no more than a friend to me." I angrily begin mixing for the trillionth time. Eva, a baker, takes pity on me and takes the bowl from me. I just huff angrily and keep looking at Shorty.

"That is it?" He seems incredulous.

"What is it?"

"You are not going to blow up on me and let an insult fly out of your sour mouth?"

I open my mouth like he said and then close it when no words come out. I find tears welling up behind my eyes the quick shift in emotion has me disoriented.

Shorty gently ushers me to a corner but keeps his hands on my shoulder. "What has he really done?" Shorty doesn't need to elaborate on the he or the fact that he's finding it impossible to believe that a guy, just an-honest­-to-God-guy, can have me so emotionally unstable.

He can't believe I am not the strong-build, iron-back person I seem.

Well, I can't too. Join the club.

I don't answer his question, not wanting to give away the fact that Nate 'put his hands on me'. Instead, I ask, "Why can't I seem to move on? Get it together?"

"When we walk away, we don't always fully shut the door behind us. And that keeps us from moving on."

I nod and then realize what I did. Do I really want to move on? Forget about Nate when he is out there, waiting for me to get my shit together? If he's out there...

But I don't know if I want to remember everything that happened either. I would rather forget everything that happened that night than remember all the gory details. And that realization changes everything.

****

"I know it's going to be hard but breathe through it." I don't even have time to process what Shorty means before my eyes land on the man who walked on and squashed the living hell out of my heart.

It's like a blow to my chest seeing him here. The air around us changes completely when he looks at me. The voices fade to the background, even as Claire takes the three tier cake from my hand and thanks me.

He's in a dapper green jacket and I find myself walking towards him. All the questions in my mind disappear when I take him in. Gone is the man who smelled of aftershave and Axe body spray. In front of me is a sad, unshaven Nate with a weeks' worth of brown bags under his eyes. Like mine.

A month, I think. A month and-

I suddenly come back to planet Earth, USA, when I feel a hand on my wrist. The touch has my nerve endings exploding in fireworks. I look back and see Ian with his hand around the waist of a brunette who looks suspiciously familiar.

"Hey, Zara. Meet Areebah Carrington, my date for tonight." His eyes are gleaming. In what? I don't know, but the gleam sure has me angry.

"Hi. I have heard a lot about you. You really are a great friend of Ian." Friend. I want to snort. "Just call me Ari. Everyone calls me that." She extends her hand to shake mine, but I look behind me to where Nate was standing. When I don't see him, my heart sniffs in disappointment and I shake my wrist away from Ian's grip. I rudely don't respond to his date and make my way for the front yard.

I hunchback, hands on my thighs, and take a deep breathe. The entire last five minutes has my head whirling and I can't even seem to properly respire.

I know I should be in there with people, socializing, but here I am, shaking and almost on the verge of a panic attack.

I hate the Nate is in such a condition because of me. I hate that stupid Ian has a date. I hate that I have become so antisocial, when I really should be acting like someone in her 20s, enjoying life.

"You okay there?" The voice that asks, travels to my toes. Voices shouldn't do that. They should go through an ear and stay there, not travel your entire body and make you shiver.

I take a heavy gasp of air in and face him.

One month. An entire month that didn't do him justice.

"Why did you listen to me? Why did you leave that day when I told you to?"

"That's your question? You're not gonna ask me why I'm not 9000 miles around the world but here?" I shake my head. "Well then." He looks me in the eye, but before I lose myself in the sapphires, I look away. "You may not know it, Zara, but your words hold power. You're my life, my happiness. Your words that day made me realize that you trust me. So much more than I trust myself. That you're mine. Way more than I thought you were. And if I could just take a few steps towards..." He takes a deep breath, the action causing me to finally peek at him. "When you realize your happiness is your own to claim, you start making decisions that lead you to it."

"And you think I am your happiness?"

He nods. "Not think, I know." My heart literally shatters at that moment.

"No one else will ever that?" I ask dubiously.

He doesn't hesitate in shaking his head. "There's no one else for me."

A single tear escapes me, emotions so scattered I don't even know what they are.

"How do you know I'll just take you back after?"

"Sometimes, people need hope to get them through the day."

I nod, but don't respond, in need to leave. Once I walk inside the house again, without as much of a greeting to him, I don't turn back to look at him. Because for some reason, that feels like a good way to end the conversation. And I didn't feel like that for a long time.

But I don't get time to process my bizarre encounter with Nate, because Kiara shouts a loud "Aunty Zara!" and flings herself in my arms. I smile as once again and kiss the small soul in my arms when her mother, Claire, deposits herself in front of me.

"You met him?" I nod, trying really hard to keep that stray tear behind my eyelids. Spoiler alert: I fail. Nowadays everyone seems to refer to Nate as he or him, but that doesn't mean his mention doesn't sting. Even though I met him moments ago. Quite literally.

I kiss Kiara again on the cheek as Claire talks, all the while keeping a comforting hand on my shoulder. She tells me how she met Nate in a grocery store and invited him today. He said that his job in Perth didn't work, so he came back and has the same job as before. Though I don't know about the part of going abroad is even true.

Claire doesn't even question about my situation with Nate. She doesn't ask me why I lied about us being 'fine' or why we broke up. She just pats Kiara's hair and tells me something next, that shatters my world as I listen to her.

She takes my hand and sighs. "I don't know what happened with you and him, but I notice when you are sad, sis. I know something happened, or you wouldn't always be so... not yourself. But you gotta know that relationships aren't easy. You have to be willing to put up with a lot and trust that the rewards will far outweigh frustrations."

I suck in a breath at her words. I look away because I can't tell her how much her words hit home. But then my sight ends up on a certain Ian kissing a brunette. His date. My eyes widen my and stance stiffens, the undiscovered feelings in my heart begging to let themselves know.

"But you do realize that love shouldn't hurt, right?" I say in a choked whisper and get up, not waiting for any reply.

I walk a few steps to get away, only to be met with Pastel's inquisitive demeanor. I nod and give out a forced smile, trying to ignore her ministrations as she keeps talking, when Nate's gazing orbs land on mine.

There's something different about him now that tugs at my thawed heartstrings. The tightness around his eyes. The creases on his brow. Like he has faced some great tragedy.

My eyes fill up again. He braces for the front door the same time I walk away to a corridor. There's no one here and it's jet black, so I cry my eyes out, confused, and rattled with sentiment.

I make a mental note to tell Claire with the weird house she bought, but then think against it, not wanting anyone to hurt the slightest like I am hurting.

I take one deep breath after another and when I think I have got it right, I enter a room thinking it's the washroom, only to be met by a horrible sight.

A/N: Ok, guys. So this is the longest chapter I have written, til date. Its like 3227 words and ik it seems so short, but ITS NOT! This chapter was originally 2000 or less words, but when i started typing it, the 'emotions' (as they say) took over. And wow, did i write and shed a tear or two. or like 1000s. 

As I said, I was a lot busy and still am, so I missed a Thursday update but i am here this week! I have not even written chapter 26 yet, so ig u guys have to wait for a long time. Coz I have become the Queen of late updates like areebahafzal! Anyways, sis, forgive me if you hate the fact that I made Zara behave so rudely with you. But you got to kiss Ian! So stay happy with it, lol!

Also, LSH won 2 second prizes in diferent awards in the SAME WEEK! Lemme rejoice!

And lastly, since this chapter was so big, you guys can see i have TWO songs in my chapter beginning. (idk wht else they r called? Chapter starting? LOL) The reason for it, is..WAIT! I checked the FAQ thing on insta! And since I saw that you guys want a FAQ, i'll reply to tht question! Anyways, see ya, bye! *cruel laughter*

HAPPY READING FOLKS! AND STAY SAFE!

~~Zareen🌸

P.s. A HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS!