Aesthetic by mochaxskin. Check out her graphic shop, called "Grandeur|| GRAPHIC SHOP" 

Dedicated to: mira_brendan_ 

QOTD: "What would be on the gag reel of your life?"

"It hurts, but it's OK. I'm used to it. Right?"

****

If I had ever wondered what life without Nate would feel like, I am getting a first hand experience.

It is torture.

My feelings are like that, not since he is not here. But because I made him leave. I put him through the pain of going away from me. I know him being away is for the best. For both of us. But I can't help but wonder what it would have been like if he hadn't gone.

Would we have been fine? Or would life had taken a toll for the worst? My questions are never answered and I am left with only more probing ones.

No one except Ian knows about my separation with Nate. After Nate left my house that day, Ian stayed with me all day. He apparently had no shift that day. His presence is what stopped me from completely falling apart. Since my leg is stupidly broken and I cannot pour myself at work, I have found a new distraction to pass my time, and not think about the person-who-shall-not-be-named.

What I mean is I watch the devil himself every day. Lucifer is my new obsession. At least, it is better than romcoms that just make me think of him more and more.

Yet, no matter how much I try to distract myself, I constantly miss Nate.

We went from seeing each other almost every day to no contact in such a short time. Not even a single text. I appreciate it, though. He really was true to his words.

But almost every night, I cry. Because nights are the time I remember all the good memories we had. They come haunting me.

But the reason I took the decision resurfaces. I think of how crazily Nate had beaten up that man; like I had envisioned my father would have done if he were angry. And though I beg to clarify that Nate and my father are nothing alike, I know they both have anger issues. And when Nate had told me he had wanted to beat Ian because of he got jealous, my suspicions turned out true. His words proved to me that my decision was right.

But that realization doesn't make things hurt less.

Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the one person who you thought would never hurt you.

Almost every day I feel like calling him and just telling him to forget my words and come back. Sometimes I just want to break the ice and scream, "Come back!" at the top of my lungs, but I don't. Because when it comes to me, I have strong principles. And they're strong enough for me to ignore my inner turmoil to uphold them. Even if it feels like my love for Nate is trying to break them.

And I have my own pile of feelings to survey through. And all I have done these past few days is ignore them. I never confront them, never want to come face to face with something that might scare me. The fear of the unknown is what keeps me rooted in front of the TV rather than in my bed, looking at the ceiling, being deep in thought.

I am stuck in my same old hometown; without the same old love I left this town for. I left here in my teens wanting to chase the unknown. To taste liberty and freedom. Explore new horizons. Its ironic that is exactly what I am avoiding now.

My friends have been checking up on me every now and then. I told them Nate left for Aussie for work and they believed me. But I wasn't surprised when Eli suspected the made up thing and asked me if it was true. Despite his suspicions, I had Talia to back up my story since she heard Nate talk about a job. Eli finally let it go.

Claire was shocked and asked me how I was making a long distance relationship work even if I despise them. I expertly avoided that topic. It's been almost a week now since Nate left. The doctor said it will take at least four weeks for me to recover and that means even more of Lucifer.

"I like it when he says, "You are a genius, doctah!"" Naomi mimics the guy's British accent.

I laugh, feeling good in what feels like a long time. "Me too."

"What are you guys so obsessed over?" Ian asks, handing us each, a plate of cashew nuts salad that he made.

"It's Lucifer."

"It's delicious." I say an all eyes turn on me. "The food, I mean."

Naomi laughs.

"What is so special about this show? You guys keep watching it. I swear it was on the first season yesterday. How did it go to season 2?"

"The show is about the devil. That is what is so damn special."

"Since you two are only attracted to devilish guys, this show has become you're favorite." Ian takes a popcorn from the bowl. I want to kill him, but everyone in the world knows that Ian has a personal enmity with Nate and disapproves of him constantly. I decide to ignore his words. Because that is what I seemed to do best in the last few days.

But I swear, if looks could kill, Ian would be dead of Naomi's glare. He doesn't even acknowledge it and stares at the screen.

After a while Naomi finishes her plate and then sighs. "I am famished."

"You just had a big fat plate full of salad." I say.

"Well, I am hungry again!" Naomi's appetite honestly scares me.

"Okay, pregnancy hormones alert."

"I am gonna go to the kitchen to make something now."

"Let me." Ian interjects.

"I want to cook pasta."

"Well, you instruct me, and I'll cook? How about that?" He proposes.

"Sounds okay." I walk in my crutches to the kitchen. Ian briskly takes the pan out from the cabinet and turns the stove on. "I see you have become acquainted with the kitchen." He nods. "Get the olive oil. The virgin one!" I add when he takes the bottle out.

"It is virgin olive oil. Much like you, to be honest." He pours it on the pan.

I laugh. "Oh, I am so not a virgin."

"Yeah, you are. In more metaphorical sense than physical. You haven't been tainted by any...well, the Nate guy might have tainted you during your time with him."

I narrow my eyes. What is happening here? "He was my first time, yes." I answer cautiously.

"That is not what I meant. Wait was he the only guy you have ever had sex with?"

"No," I give a nervous laugh. "I had a life in New York, you know."

"All one night stands? No one to hold you at night?"

"No." I say. But when he raises his right eyebrow, I sigh. "Well, yeah..." I have a bad feeling we're not talking about my love life anymore.

"That is kinda lonely, don't you think?" I don't answer. "Look, don't take my words to your heart, but you sound like your life in NYC...wasn't the best time of your life." Ever heard of hitting the nail on the head? And yet, I deny it.

"It was...okay. Sure, I didn't have my friends and making friends was a really hard job there. 'Cause, it felt like people there just wanted to disappear, you know. Much like me, to be honest." So not true. "So, at a time, I just stopped trying."

"Much like you? You mean, you were trying to disappear?"

What does this guy want? "Yeah, I guess. I mean, I went away from here because I was just..."

"Just?"

I decide to stir the topic in another direction. "So tired of it all, you know? Everything here was so predictable. I wanted more... unpredictability in my life. The unsettling feeling of not knowing what comes next. 'Cause here, I knew I would graduate. I knew my friends and I would go to Austen. I knew what subjects we'd study. I knew we'd want to be roommates, and maybe we'd have found a way too.

"But I just knew everything, you know. But I didn't want to. I wanted to experience unforeseeable things. I wanted things to happen even if I didn't anticipate them and though, yes, my life there was so lonely, I felt free. For the first time in my life, I hadn't depended on everyone. I hadn't waited for anyone's approval. All the choices, things, were mine. And mine alone. " This is the most sincere I have been to Ian in a while.

I look up and see him with an incredulous look on his face.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"No, there's something. You're looking at me like an idiot."

He smiles. "Honestly?" I nod. "I'm just thinking what an idiot Nate must have been to screw up something this great."

I close my eyes but don't respond. His mention still kind of hurts. I try to take no notice of it though, but this time its harder than expected.

"Okay, so tell me what to do." He says.

I open my eyes and smile, but even a fool can tell its forced. But Ian takes pity on me and doesn't say a word. I instruct him throughout the recipe.

"What did you actually do there?"

"At New York? I worked at a business firm. Boring job, boring bosses, boring colleagues. But like I said, it was my boring decision, so that felt good." It did, at least for a while.

"Your Mom used to make all your decisions here?" He pours the pasta in the pan.

"Not all, but most of them, yes."

"That must have been really helpful." Is he serious?

"I don't know if you're being sarcastic or not."

"I am not. You had your Mom to tell you everything. And as much as you might have found that irritating, I am sure as hell you miss it now."

I open my mouth and clamp it shut. Without even realizing, Ian is making all the right assumptions about me. No matter how claustrophobic her actions made me feel, I for sure can't deny I want her to do those again. Anything to have her alive and well beside me.

I shake my head to clear the thoughts. I decide to recast the subject again before he wants ot dive deeper. The thing with Ian is, he's very inquisitive. Just like Claire.

I laugh a little as he adds the mixed herbs without asking me.

"You know, your cooking is actually really good. If you didn't already have a job, I may have hired you for Aragain." I joke halfheartedly.

He takes a small bow and it makes me giggle. He smiles as if he's thinking of an inside joke.

"Oh and that reminds me. Did Nan really tell you she works there?"

"At Aragain, yes." He sighs.

"I know you are worried about her and the baby, but I can assure you, the staff there are really friendly and careful. She will be fine there. And in good hands too. At least she will be away from Kai for a while."

"It is not the baby I am worried about. It is Kai's reaction. I fear, he will get angry and do something to her. I wish she would just leave him. Even if I am older than her, I seem to have no say in her choices."

"Well, join the club." I scoff. Then my eyes widen. "Wait, she hasn't told him yet?" He shakes his head. "That is bad. She told me she already went to apply yesterday. How will she explain her long absence? I don't think this will end well."

"Geez, thanks for being ominous." He puts his face in his hands. "Do you ever feel trapped?" His voice is muffled by his hands. "Like you can't escape what you were born into?"

"Yeah." I sigh. "Like, all the time. Look at Nan's case, for example. I was born into... a gruesome situation like this. so when she asked for help, I thought I could provide it. I felt like I could help her from not doing a mistake. But I couldn't. I still can't. And instead, I fell onto the deathtrap myself. So, I would say I feel pretty trapped too."

His expression is sympathetic when he removes his face from his hands. There's also something else on his face, something that makes the next words tumble out of me.

"It's like being stuck in the same vicious cycle over and over again, only from different angles. It feels as if, I'm stuck inside my own hell loop here on Earth."

He nods, without a word. But I can see it in his eyes just how much he truly understands what I mean.

Sometimes, when you have been through something like I have, something like seeing the person you love most, hurting you the most? There's always a sadness in your eyes you carry around with you. I see it in the mirror every day. And I see it in his face now.

He shakes his head. "I had to ask you something I was curious about." His expression goes serious and it makes my stomach drop. I fear what he's about to say next can make my mood worse than it already is. "Even if Nathan comes back, better than ever, would you be able to forgive him?"

Surprisingly, this does not make my mood worse. Since this is a question I asked myself a lot in the last few days; even though I tried my best not to.

My whole life I knew what I would do if a man treated me the way my Dad treated my Mom. But even if I try agree to never see him again, I can't fight my feelings for Nate. I told him I need to figure them out and now that I think about it, I conclude that no matter how I much I try to ignore them, there will always be something for Nate in my heart.

Even if he hurts me. But he, too, loves me deeply. And when someone loves you like that, to a point where they are ready to leave to be with you, it is hard not to reciprocate. Even if it's just a fraction.

But that doesn't mean my forgiveness arises for him. I sigh for what feels like the millionth time before answering Ian. "He never apologized to me. Because he knows he did something unforgivable. So, to answer your question, no. I won't forgive him. But I also won't forget. I'll always remember it. Not because I want to, but, because I have to. I have no choice. Things like that don't get erased from a person's memories easily."

"Do you think he didn't apologize because he knows he did something unforgivable or because he just didn't think it was a thing he should apologize for? Or he forgot?"

I shoot him a glare. He just chuckles dryly. Dark humour is written all across our conversation.

"I guess we both have some adjusting to do, huh?" I smile, despite myself, and nod.

"For now, I think, we should give this pasta to your sister, before she eats us alive." Ian laughs halfheartedly, but it is honestly a heavenly sound. And though I agreed to him, I know better than ever that I'll never be able myself like ever before.

****

That night, after they leave, I fall back on the bed, tears streaming down my face, even if I didn't feel bad a moment ago. I grab my phone and open the gallery, looking at all the pictures me and Nate took together. The ones I took of him without him noticing.

There's one of him of him, smiling and laughing at something I said. We were out on a date in a close by deli. He looks so lively and nothing like the crying mess at my house the last time I saw him. Before he left.

I feel more tears making their way as my heart constricts. I open my contacts and quickly type 'Nate'. As soon as his number pops up, I am ready with all the speech about how he should come back and how I was wrong and shit like that.

Instead of calming down, he gets more angry. His body jerk violently beneath my touch and he wrenches his arms off my tight grip. Out of nowhere, Nate's gigantic arms push me away. I fall backwards on the floor, narrowly not hitting my head, but the pain in my leg intensifies. I gasp for breath then look up the harshness in those blue eyes that are scaring me for life.

I close my eyes, not wanting that vision to re erupt. The phone falls from my hands as I curl into a ball, pain and sting from the memory bury me in a dark embrace.

My last thought before I lose consciousness is, I hate feelings. They make me feel weak.

Life i going to become hectic for me. Since I am going to be in the next grade soon, my time for writing is going to decrease. Heck, even time for studying id going to lessen. I am afraid that we'll have to say goodbye soon and LSH may have to be put on hold from 2021.

Ok, sad stuff aside, tell me what are your thoughts on this chapter? 

Despite being written a long time ago, I edited it yesterday when I was supposed to be doing my English Literature assignment, lol. Tell me, did Zara's feelings feel natural to you? Do the seem genuine? 

Idk wht else to say. Pple are usually so happy to move to another grade, but honestly, I'm just sad. I just want this time of my life to last forever so that I don'y have to leave my story. Bcoz writing is what I love best, and if i hv to leave it too, im gonna go crazy.

Pray for me. And Happy Reading.📕