Cover by _taliyahk_

Dedicated to prettyimbecile . Bcoz she rlly want to read my story!

QOTD: "What really makes you angry?"

"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it."

****

No matter how much I try, I remain jumpy around Nate. Every time he opens a jar, I feel like he is going to push too hard, causing the lid to fall on my face. Every time he gets up from beside me, I scoot away in fear that his arms will somehow land on me.

I feel like there is a paranoia in me that is slowly sinking in and never refusing to leave. It has been an entire week since I came home, but here I am, refusing to even kiss my boyfriend properly, in fear that he will somehow bite my tongue.

It is not like he doesn't notice it. We both know the vibe around us has changed since that night and there is no way we can deny it.

Because here we are, him trying to teach me how to walk with crutches, and I won't even let him touch me. "What is wrong?"

"Nothing. I want to try on my own." I lie. "Let me do it myself first." I put one crutch forward and it stays steady, but the moment I remove the other one, I topple over. He comes and up and catches me in time. But I jump the moment his hands touch mine. I know he notices because I see him wince a little, but he doesn't utter a word.

"I guess we should try this later." He slowly puts me back on the couch where I rest my head back and close my eyes, groaning inwardly. Why can't I just remain calm when Nate is around?

I gasp when I feel something beside me. I open my eyes to see Nate sitting. "Oh, it is you." He smiles and leans in, but I scoot away, scared that our faces will collide.

He pulls away and frowns. "Okay, what exactly is wrong with you? You have been acting very weird lately."

I sigh. Here goes nothing. "I feel like everything is toppling over me. One moment the world is fine. And in the next, everything is a mess. A freaking mess. My friends don't talk to me. Except Talia, who talks too much. And Nan is in complete denial. And you're... you."

He stands up suddenly causing me to jump again. "What do you mean I am me?"

"I..." I am at a loss for words. "After that night, I don't know how to act around you. I have seen your temper and I never know what is going to trigger it. I don't want that night to be repeated again, Nate."

Shit, he is fuming. This took the complete other direction. "You think I'm not trying my best to never repeat that night? I told you I will never intentionally hurt you but you do not even trust me!" He has started pacing the living room.

"That is not true, I do trust you. It's your anger I don't trust."

"That is the same thing!" He shouts. It startles me speechless. He leaves the room and goes to the kitchen. "I guess I should just take the job in Australia and move there, rather than staying with someone with obvious issues." He says from the kitchen.

Ouch. That really hurt. But I try not to show it. "You are angry, Nate. You don't know what you're saying. You are not thinking straight."

"Oh, is it?" He comes up with a bottle of water. "But I guess I am saying exactly what I think. And which is that you don't give a fuck about anyone other than yourself."

Okay, I draw the line there. My tolerance has ended. "Oh really? If I was in fact that selfish, I wouldn't be with such a pathetic example of a man who thinks violence is the only key to everything! I am not the one with issues here, Nate, you are!" I shout back.

"That is so not true! I never intentionally hurt anyone! I didn't even know what I was doing when I hit that guy or you!"

"Seriously, Nate? Are you expecting me to fall for that shit? Because I beg to differ. You could have just called the cops three years ago on that night. You didn't have to beat the air out of him."

"If I would have, he would have escaped with Fiona, God damnit!" He shouts again and throws the bottle in the air.

My eyes widen. I hide my face with my hands and bury myself in the sofa as I hear the bottle crack right beside me on the floor. After a few seconds, I remove my hands, a dangerous stream of adrenaline rushing through my veins.

I bring my eyes to Nate's and his expression is full of regret. He looks like he's ready to beg any minute. Exactly like that night. So I put my hand up before he starts to speak, not wanting to hear anything that comes out of his mouth.

I sigh again. I muster up all my courage. I have to be strong this time. I can't let my emotions get the best of me again. "Do you realize that you just threw a glass made bottle of water at me?" He nods, his hands already in front of him as if asking for forgiveness.

But if I do forgive him like last time, I can't face my conscience anymore. Because my conscience knows that me forgiving him the first time around wasn't right itself.

I let my emotions and feelings drive me to a quick conclusion that day, when I knew my mind was begging me to think otherwise. I didn't listen to it and now look where it has landed me.

"It could have hit me, Nate." My voice cracks and I cuss. This is not the time for weakness. I close my eyes and try gathering all my might. "Nate," thankfully my voice is firm this time, "leave my house."

He instantly falls on my knees in front of me and I can't help but feel bad for him. If he does love me as much as he says he does, I know my words have completely shattered him. But I am sure it doesn't even compare to what he has done right now.

His action has left my insides empty and it feels sick to admit that seeing him in pain is soothing a tiny fraction of that emptiness. That really is so sick. But it still doesn't help the burning in my heart. It is like with every tear that falls from his eyes, a deep hole keeps burning away what little there is of my atria and ventricles.

He tries to clasp my hand, but I whisk away from him. I can feel disgust creeping into my body as his body touches mine. It's almost surreal how just a few days ago, I would feel sparks when he'd touch me. And now, I can't even bear it.

I turn in the other direction, telling him to leave again. I can't bear to see his face anymore. Because, well, it hurts. But I won't let my pain turn my certainty of the decision into anything else.

"Nate, please go. Or I will be forced to call the cops." The threat in my voice comes from where, I don't know. But it seems to work because he gets up. But my face is still in the other direction so I can't see him.

"Zara-"

"Nate, leave." He doesn't immediately oblige, but after a minute, I hear his feet making its way to my doorstep. I bury my face in my hands and after a minute I hear the front door close. The sobs of heartbreak finally make their way towards me and I succumb to them. I suddenly feel something hit my arms and I remove my tear strained hands to see a paper airplane on my lap. I open it.

Since you won't let me speak to you, let me just write this to you.
I am sorry Zara. I really do love you. -N.

The front door closes again just as the big hole burns away all of my heart, leaving me in indescribable pain. 

A/N: GUYS! LSH won first place in the Winter Awards! I am SO happy!

Ik u guys aren't happy, so don't u dare kill me. You never know. Maybe better days are coming? 

What are your thoughts on Nate's action this time? U can rant on me all you want, just don't tell me how u hate me (tho ik tht u kinda do.) 

So goodbye for today and happy reading!