Chapter 25

Jameel

There are no words in my vocabulary that I could use to even begin to describe the multiple awe-inspiring experiences I've encountered so far in this foreign land. These beautiful people rescued me from the hell that was my life under the hands of a very sick man. They've opened my eyes to a whole new world. With their help, and the help of the psychiatrist they'd arranged for me see, I was slowly coming to terms with the things I'd been subjected to. I've accepted that none of those horrid acts of defilement were my fault. They were solely the fault of a very disturbed individual, his actions were his own, and I, by no means should hold any blame for his misdeeds.

Getting to this point of my life, and accepting what had happened to me has been a long, hard road I'm precariously traveling. One that I'm most likely going to travel for the remainder of my days. I'm okay with that, because I want to take the journey. I no longer wanted to curl up in a dark corner, full of shame, and die. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to enjoy the time that Allah has deemed fit to grant me on this mortal plane with the people currently in my life surrounding me with unconditional love and acceptance. Especially Kamal. He saved me that day, and I'll forever be grateful to him for taking me out of that wretched room and opening my life into the world full of possibilities.

My therapist and I have shifted the focus of my sessions from discussing the multiple acts of degradations I've lived through, to discussing and working through my feelings for Kamal. She's satisfied I was coping and effectively working through the emotional and physical effects of my time spent in captivity. She wanted to make sure that the attraction I've confessed to having for Kamal was healthy. She wanted me to differentiate between hero worship, gratitude for his assistance, and the fact that he was the first man in my life to show me some semblance of kindness and respect. I totally understand where she's coming from and the message of what she's trying to convey. I've spent many a night sleeping just a few steps away from Kamal to think about and sort through what I truly feel for the man.

I've never known love of any kind. Not from my absent parents, or the man who was in charge of well-being and lack there-of. I've never experienced the sentiment of caring deeply for someone else, either as a friend, family, or someone remotely in a romantic sense. That was until through Allah's divine intervention with sending the El-Sayed family into my life. I'd sincerely thought that Allah had forsaken me for being a deviant. At least, that's what had been drummed into my head every single day of my existence before I was shown another way of life.

It wasn't until I was set free that I was able to witness how a true, respectful bonds of love united these special people. It wasn't until I was brave enough to open my eyes and my heart that I was able to witness and come to know what love, pure unconditional love was about. It wasn't until I experienced the kindness and non-judgmental acceptance and encouragement that I've come to learn what love means. And, finally with a touch, a smile, and of course, those heated looks of appreciation and desire Kamal tries to hide from me most of the time, that I've come to know that deep in my heart that I love him. Not just because he's kind to me. Not because I am grateful to him for all he's done, but because of the incredible man that he is.

It was because from day one, he's seen me as a person worthy of his time. He looks at me like I'm precious, like he doesn't see me as a defiled victim of unmentionable abuse. He doesn't see a scarred and emotionally stunted person. When he looks at me, the way he treats me, cares for me, and the way he goes out of his way to respect my feelings, shows me cares for me more than he could ever put into words. The little snippets of intimacy we have been skirting around is another indication of what could be between us if I was brave enough to fully accept these new feelings and open my heart to completely trust him with my new found feelings. Show him that I trust myself as much as I trust him.

If I could just show him that I was ready to take that leap of faith and assure him that his touch, his attention, and his desire doesn't scare me anymore, they never have. That I wasn't and would never associate the feel of his hands on me would catapult me right back into the room that was my jail cell where my body and mind were violated for so many years. I want to show him that I am worthy of love. I am a man who is attracted to other men and despite what the many religious interpretations and my upbringing has to say on the subject. It's a fact that is a depravity. I am a gay man, and that is who I am, and Allah loves me regardless because I am his creation.

Tapping my bare foot against the warm tiles of the bathroom floor, I ran my fingers over the butter soft, flowing silk robe hanging on the back of the closed door. Farrah had allowed me to take it straight from of her upcoming collection the other day as a personal gift when she's noticed how much attention I was paying to the beautiful garment. I nearly vibrated out of my skin with excitement over the different textures and colors of her brilliant creations. I surely didn't miss Kamal's reaction to several of her outfit choices for me. The woman was absolutely brilliant when it came to her designs and her eye for color and fit of her clothes.

With that thought in my mind, the stunning magenta silk robe had caught my eye. The robe covered everything it needed to cover, but there where sheer panels of delicate lace artfully placed throughout the garment that gave just a hint of skin underneath it to make it sexy. Farrah had said the robe was meant for her wedding collection; a piece specifically made for the bride and Groom's wedding night. My face had instantly flamed with understanding of what she meant as the purpose of the garment. My blush hadn't gone away and had only seemed to intensify when she showed me the matching silk and lace garments that were meant to be paired with the robe. A dainty all lace teddy that by itself left nothing to the imagination, and a pair of thigh-highs, lace trimmed silk stockings that were so soft, they must feel like sheer decadence against the skin.

Anxiety had the butterflies fluttering in stomach working overtime. Was I brave enough to put these intimate pieces of sexy decadence on and give Kamal his own personal show? Was I reading too much into his kindness and perceiving that kindness as romantic delusions of my own imagination? My shoulders slumped as I turned away from the beautifully designed robe and shuffled over to my most favorite place in Kamal's extravagant home, the sunken bathtub. Leaning over, I turned on the faucets and adjusted the temperature of the water to almost scalding. Just the way I liked it when I took my daily soak in the multiple bubbles and bath oils Kamal spoils me with as gifts knowing how much time I spend in the fragrant waters of my baths.

Who was I kidding, I have no experience with this kind of things, love, intimacy, and relationships. Why would someone so accomplished and handsome take a second look at someone like me? A man who can have any man or woman fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of his interests. I took a moment to close my eyes and took a moment to center myself and realize that my thoughts were spiral into the toxic self-deprecating negativity that was not conductive to my healing process.

Five, four, three, two, one. Calm. Opening my eyes and letting out a tumulus breath. I tried by best to imagine releasing the defeating thoughts on that same breath. It was one of the many coping techniques my therapist taught me. It worked pretty well most of the time. Another thing I learned was to stop suppressing and feelings, never let things fester. In my case, my therapists encouraged me to allow myself to remember my time in captivity, and analyze feelings about them. See myself as a survivor of someone sickness. Then remember I am a strong person. A person of worth. A person who deserves to love and to be loved.

Holding onto that same energy, a new sense of determination caused my spine to snap ramrod straight. I selected a few of my favorite scented oils and tipped them into the steaming water. I added a dash of my bubble bath and let the foamy bubbles spread across the surface of the rippling water before turning off the taps. Thanks to the plethora of self-education from the wonder that was Google, I'd secretly selected all the self-grooming items I needed make myself smooth and pretty over time from several online shopping sites I've found essential to my plan of getting Kamal to see me as someone worth his time and attention.

Kamal has always respected my privacy and never questioned me about any packages that were delivered downstairs in my name, and brought up to the apartment by the front desk concierges. I didn't have the nerve to have a discussion with my therapist about how to prepare yourself to seduce your crush. Just thinking about how that conversation would go with the ever-patient doctor had my whole body flushing with embarrassment.

Underneath the embarrassment, I didn't want to be discouraged from pursuing Kamal. I feared being told that I wasn't ready for a romantic connection. Deep down, I wasn't ready for anything other than to acknowledge wat was hopefully our mutual attraction to each other, and the potential to take our relationship from the proverbial friend zone to something more. Another take away from my sessions was that sex wasn't the only facet of a romantic relationship. Intimacy is a thing, companionship and mutual interests is all important too. It had made so much sense to me when the therapist had explained emotional connections as well as physical connections to me.

I feel like I have both with Kamal, I only hoped that I wasn't the only me who was reding more into what was possibly blooming between us. I was deep into my musings when I was startled by Kamal's deep voice calling my name from the other side of the closed bathroom door.

"Um...I'm in the tub." I called out while gawking at the fact that I'd left the lacy teddy and stockings as well as the very personal grooming stockpile on the bathroom counter, well in his line of sight if he peeked his head inside the room, like he was prone to do sometimes to melt my insides with one of his heart stopping smiles. Why, oh why, do I always find myself in the position of embarrassing myself in front of this man. Maybe I should drown myself right now. Death by bubbles is a thing right?

Oh, sweet mercy, the handle on the door started to slowly turn and I jumped into action. Water and bubbles sloshed over the side of the tub as I vaulted for my towel. I'd barely managed to clutch the thick swatch of cloth to my chest and nearly tripped over the lip of the tub in my hurry to shove everything off the counter and out of sight. Soapy bubbles, water, and my own epic uncoordination sent me skidding across the floor. My arms automatically flared out in a pathetic attempt to catch my balance of which it failed to achieve.

Of course, the traitorous towel slipped from my slack fingers as if it had a mind of its own. It snagged around my ankle and tripped me butt first right onto the cold, polished tiled bathroom floor exposing every inch of my slick, bath oiled body. The treacherous universe decided to add insult to injury and making the situation even more mortifying by finally my literal fall to disgrace finally coming to an inelegant stop of limp, tangled wet limbs directly in front of a pair of expensive shiny leather dress shoes.

I snatched the drenched towel from around my ankle, lifted my knees to my chest trying to hide my bits from what I was sure was Kamal's shocked, pitying gaze. I threw the towel over my head my entire body aflame with my humiliation now complete. If I couldn't see him maybe he couldn't see me. Allah, you have forsaken me, I wailed in my head as I rocked back and forth as I mentally willed the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

"Jameel, are you alright?" The concerned tone of Kamal's voice penetrated my inner flagellation. But my mind was firmly spiraling and all I could think of was escaping this situation altogether. Before he could utter anther word, I hopped up off the bathroom floor and sprinted for the closest door within my limited field of vision, seeing that the towel was still over my head.

Like another time not so long ago in his family's home back home. I found myself yet again hiding from the one man I wanted to be perfect for in the darkened linen closet. I plopped down on my bruised butt cheeks and wrapped a dry bath towel I snagged off the shelf around my shaking shoulders. I couldn't even cry at this point. Some seductress I turned out to be, maybe if I stayed in here and waited him out, he would get tired and hungry, and leave so I could wallow in my misery and failures in peace.

I should have known better when I heard his footsteps as he strode across the marbled floor and come to a stop in front of the slotted closet doors. "Habibi, it's okay. I promise. I just want to make sure you're not injured." He gently cajoled as he tapped his fingers on the closed panels. "Will you at least let me in come in and sit with you?"

"No." I mumbled and continued rocking back and forth trying to self soothe myself from the utter disaster that my evening has turned into.

I heard the sound of fabric shuffling and Kamal deep sigh that sounded heavy with resignation. "Well, this seems like De ja vu. I guess just like last time, I'll just sit here until you ready for me to make sure you are unharmed and ready to face the world again."

As embarrassed as I was, I had to slap a hand over my mouth to stifle the giddy little giggle of joy that tried to free itself up my throat. Between his earlier term of endearment, and the fact that he parked himself with determination on the unforgiving bathroom floor to wait me out instead of it being the other way around, had me almost levitating off the ground in happiness. I still wasn't ready to face him yet, but knowing he was there had me feeling all kinds of tingly inside. He was definitely the man for me. If I could only work up the courage to claim him, then Allah be favored.