KHUSHI

The feelings dint last for long.

I thought after confronting Sonakshi, everything would be great, it had started to feel so as soon as I walked out of her place but then as the day went on, something just felt wrong, I really dint know what it was exactly but you know that feeling where your gut tells you something is really wrong, and it scared you so badly you start to worry, I was feeling that way.

I decided to cut the day short and headed back home hoping I'd feel differently but nothing really changed, it was like I was trying to make myself believe that there was something wrong somewhere even when everything was perfect right now.

Anytime I thought I had made things better somehow they just ended up feeling worse and I wasn't even sure why, could it be because of my anxiety?

I freshened up as soon as I got home and then got myself some snacks while I picked a movie to watch hoping it would distract me from all these random thoughts and feelings.

I mean it was so crazy, I was happy in life wasn't I? I was living well, planning weddings and enjoying them and then everything changed suddenly and nothing was like before, I wished it could be, but it wasn't.

I stared at the TV trying hard to brush off the thoughts but it was so freaking hard, even the movie couldn't distract me, and I was starting to get frustrated. Why couldn't anything feel good? Why did I have to keep feeling this way? It was just so hard to be this person that dint feel happy about anything anymore and it broke me.

"Khushi! You okay?" Arnav came rushing towards me while I tried to wipe off my tears.

"When did you come? How come I didn't notice you walk in? how didn't I hear the door open?" I looked at him in confusion.

"You looked zoned out, it was like you were in some deep thought and then I saw tears and got worried, did something happen?" He cupped my face and looked me into the eyes.

"Yeah, but it was supposed to make me feel good, it isn't. I don't feel any better." I shrugged.

"What are you talking about?" he looked so confused, same Arnav, I was confused too, about everything that was going on in my life.

"After we talked this morning, I felt like I needed to confront Sonakshi or at least warn her to stay away from you, I thought once I do that, I would stop feeling insecure and my anxiety would disappear and I would be back to who I was before all this happened but none of it happened.

Confronting her didn't help, I still feel so terrible and now I even feel like I shouldn't have done that because you know that isn't who I am, I don't go on to random people's house and warn them about things or whatever, neither do I sit at home and cry this stupidly. I hate feeling this way." And the tears were back! Only if I could stop crying for heaven sake.

"Hey, it's okay... you're feeling too many emotions at once so you're overwhelmed that's why you're feeling this way right now. Look, if I could, I would have changed how things happened in the past but I can't, the damage is done, and you are hurt, which is okay but it looks like you're putting too much pressure on yourself, you want to heal immediately which isn't possible.

Look, if you got hurt physically, the wounds won't heal immediately will they? You'll have to give them time, the same way the mental and emotional pain you are in right now won't go away just at once, you have to give it time babe.

I think the reason why you confronted Sonakshi was because you thought that if you do that, you will get back to normal because that's sorted out, but that's not how it works and I am so sorry that you're going through all this, I really just want you to feel better and you will, you just have to stop putting so much pressure on yourself.

I love you Khushi, even when you think you aren't the same person you were before you met me, I did the damage and I wish there was a way I could undo it, I really do."

"It's not about you loving me Arnav, it's about me not loving this person that I have become, I just want to stop feeling this way, to stop feeling so insecure, to stop worrying about everything. I just want to be happy."

"And you will be, trust me it might take longer than you thought but I promise you will be happy or you will at least figure out how to find your happiness and be happy."

"If you say so..." I sighed, he pulled me into a tight hug and kept on holding on to me, I wanted to stay here forever because it kind of felt better, being in arms, knowing he was here for me no matter what I was going through.

"So... you don't have an opinion on me confronting Sonakshi?"

"I do, but it doesn't matter, she deserved it anyway and if you thought it would make you feel better then you do you, I already told you I'll keep my distance from her, so it doesn't matter much to me."

"Okay."

"Should I talk to Neel? You can go talk to him about all these feelings, I'm sure he would be able to help better with it." He looked at me in concern.

"No, I'm good I have my personal therapist here, and anyway I have a session with him tomorrow so I'll talk to him then."

"Okay, so what can I do to make you feel better right now?"

"Nothing, just be here with me."

He nodded as he sat down on the couch and held me into his arms while we watched the movie I had played to distract myself, with him being here, my thoughts had calmed down and I was feeling way better, maybe he was right, I had to stop putting so much pressure on myself and just let things flow, I was hurt and it was going to take time to heal which is okay...

*****

I woke up feeling way better, the mental breakdown I had yesterday was a bad one but since Arnav talked to me about it, I was feeling quite okay, I had even woken up being excited for the wedding I was starting to plan today. Maybe all I needed to make me feel better was just talk to him about these things, sometimes not talking about things that bother you does a lot more damage to us than we could think.

"Come back to bed." Arnav said in his sleepy voice as he grabbed my arm and tried to pull me back to sleep.

"I have a wedding to plan." I laughed, he looked so cute while he was asleep.

"Okay, go get ready then I'll make you breakfast." He sat up rubbing his eyes and yawning.

"You don't have to, I don't eat breakfast most of the times. You should get back to sleep."

"No... from today onwards you aren't leaving without having breakfast, now go get ready, I'll make something for you." He stepped out of the bed and headed to the kitchen while I rushed to take a shower, I had so much work to do today.

I got ready as fast as I could and then grabbed everything I needed and headed out, I found Arnav setting up everything on the table.

"Wow, something smells good." I said as I sat down, he smiled as he sat opposite me and served me the pancakes he had made, he put some cut up fruits all over it and then drizzled some chocolate syrup on top of it and handed it to me.

"You aren't going to eat with me?"

"No, I haven't even brushed my teeth, I'll eat later, don't worry about me, you eat and get to work, I still have time." He smiled.

He sat with me there the whole time while I ate telling me random stories and everything until I was done, then he told me he will clean up later and I should just head to work, so I hugged him goodbye and headed towards the door when he called out my name.

"Khushi." I turned around immediately.

"Everything is okay between us right?" he asked.

"Yes, why wouldn't it be?"

"Just... everything about yesterday, I thought you might have felt that me being here isn't helping you heal and the constant reminder that I am the one that caused the pain to you."

"Nothing like that Arnav, it was just a mental breakdown that was it, I'm feeling way better today and everything is good between us I promise. I don't blame you for the things that happened, I was just frustrated that I wasn't healing faster but you talked me through it and I'm good. I might have changed and things might be different but my love for you is still the same okay?" I smiled.

"Okay, I love you." He smiled, he even seemed relieved, I had no idea he thought that my breakdown was somehow related to him.

"I love you too, would you pick me up in the evening? I'll text you the address, we can go out to eat or something"

"Sure, let me know when you get free and I'll be there." He smiled. I waved a goodbye and walked away, I had to get to the wedding venue immediately, I was running really late.

*****

Almost everything was done by the time the sun set down, I was just waiting for the bride to come and approve everything so I could leave for my dinner with Arnav, I had already told him to pick me up so I was sure he was on his way.

The bride showed up in a few minutes too as I showed her around making sure everything was the way she wanted, she suggested a few changes here and there that were handled immediately and I was just glad that it was all up to her expectation.

"Do you need to add anything else?" I asked.

"No, it's all perfect, I'm just waiting for a friend to come and give me her opinion about it, she's like my best friend so I value her opinions and I'm sure she will love it but just in case there's anything I'll tell you."

"Okay then I'll get going, call me in case of any more changes and I'll get right into it."

"I will, thank you for this, it's literally a dream come true, this is exact how I imagined my wedding décor to be." She smiled.

"Glad I could bring it to life." I smiled as I turned around to leave and saw Arnav standing a few feet away already waiting for me, I ran towards him and hugged him tight.

I was so happy about today as I had spent almost the entire day busy with the wedding planning, I did leave for an hour in between as I had my session with Neel which went really good too and I was generally just feeling happier.

"Looks like you had a great day today." Arnav smiled.

"Yup, nothing makes me happier than planning weddings and I'm starting to feel that happiness again, it's a good start."

"Good to know, so shall we leave?" I asked and he nodded immediately, I turned to look behind to make sure everything was okay when I saw the bride talking to her friend, she must be the one she was waiting for. They both turned to look towards us and I noticed it was none other than Sonakshi.

Okay God, you have to stop doing this with me! I know this was a coincidence but I hated it. Sonakshi looked towards us and she kept on staring I couldn't even know what she was thinking as she had no reaction on her face.

She started walking towards us, why would she walk towards us? She was supposed to stay away from us! Arnav grabbed my arm and turned me to face him as he kissed me, it was so sudden and unexpected and I was shocked for a while but then I just kissed him back. Once he pulled apart, he grabbed my hand and we both walked away, Sonakshi was nowhere to be seen by then and I was just glad she decided to disappear but more than that I was so proud of Arnav for kissing me in front of her, maybe that would keep her away now.