Buck has some things to say. Ruby, do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to tell you how much I love you? I have re read all your letters, chicken livers, tears and all. There are things in my past, things that I have done, which even my parents would never forgive. How on God's earth will I ever sleep next to you? Know this, I have done the things my government has asked of me, I am not proud, and I know that there are parents out there that would happily burn me. I sleep with these demons nightly. I cannot help the fact that I have fallen in love with you. I just want you to know that this love that I feel is unconditional, it is not based on you loving me. I do not know if I, or you, can live with my nightmares, or whether you could ever forgive me for the things I have done. Maybe it is better I die where I am, and save us both the inevitable pain. I love you. Buck.

i want to say right now that i will have you, together with any nightmares you may have. i would want to soften them and hold you until they pass. i will kiss your eyes and head, where your bad dreams linger, until they have gone away. i love you enough to share them with you even if they should drive me insane. i will do anything to make them pass quicker and with less damage, every time. if i could have my way, i would keep you with me and never let you out of my sight so that no harm can come to you that i do not know of. what i mean to say is that if there is any death around, by me is where it will happen, if i play any part in it.

buck, i know that you have suffered more than you have ever told me. i can imagine how hard it was for you to write me the this note (although i did not realize it was hard for you to say you love me). i know that the periods you spent in the service have taken their toll on you. i know that . i know my imagination probably cannot even take me to the darkness you still experience because of it. can i tell u how i feel, though? in the beginning i hoped that i could make all the difference in your life. i hoped that because of how i love you and how much you love me, we could skip over these darknesses. i hoped that my love would lift you whenever a dark patch loomed, right over it and into the light of my love and the brightness of how i adore you and the bliss that is us. now i know that cannot happen quite as easily as i'd hoped, because what one has seen or done or experienced, one cannot unsee and undo. i wish i could know how dark it gets for you. i mean this. my suffering to see you suffer is all i can offer. and i wish i was there already, but sometimes i despair because it feels like this is taking way too long. i want to be with you so that i can remind you of me and how you love me and how happy you are that we have met and that you know i am yours only. i am not sure how happy i make you, i think you are a very complex man. sometimes i think that when you fell in love with me you wished also that i would be able to dispel your demons and chase them away, because maybe for a small while, i did just that.  i am sorry that i cannot do that all the time. but you have me now and i will never leave you. i just want us to be together. in this life and after it. if i bring any relief at all to you, it will make me happier than all the jewels in the entire world and the ocean, inside those sunken ships. if i let even one little ray of brightness into your world, that must be why i was born and what my purpose in life is. as it is, i have frequently wondered about the latter when nothing seemed to make sense of this world...

am i at all what you thought i would be, buck? did you have any ideas about me at all in the beginning? have i been a surprise at all? a bad one, perhaps?( ha! like you'd tell me...!)

we're being punished, aren't we?  we're being punished because we love each other more than we love god. i know this may be true, but somehow i still love you more anyway. i really cannot help it. is that just being careless and hard headed or what? i have thought of telling myself and god that i love him more than you, but if what people say is true, he would know i'm lying through my teeth. and somehow if god were anything like me, it would add insult to my injury and i'd just be pissed off even more if i was him. so. i'm hoping that when all is said and done, he will find the love we have for each other, wonderful and human and endearing.  and as special as it truly is.

i hope this makes you smile and lightens the mood of my letter somewhat. do u remember where we wrote this? (i bet you don't....but we seem to have done a number of these. i love them.)

i'll  take you to the sleazy bar,

we could walk, just leave the car

we wouldn't have to go so far,

later, please drag me from that bar

we could just sing, of any old thing

or will you  rub my wing, we'll  have a fling.

now there's a thing, but just one wing?

to you, just one wing joy will bring...

one wing is fine, i'll make it mine

we'll fly together, hell for leather

fly in leathers, i'll keep your feather

this promise is deep,  my love doesn't sleep

one more rhyme to go, please let it flow

my love is true for one wing or for two

we will be heaven bound , we'll fly without a sound

my wing is yours to keep,  shh...the other is asleep.

i doubt you know how much i love you, but yeah...

ruby