my love

how do you know me so well? i find it slightly disconcerting that you do. i wish you were near so that i could ask you more about me. there is so much i do not know. and i had given up on finding out what makes me tick. then i meet you and i still do not realize your significance in my life although i know your role is huge, but suddenly it feels as if the sky and my third eye opened wide to let in the knowledge that there is stuff about me that may now become clear, now that we are closer. (if i frighten you with this crazy talk, believe me, it frightens the socks off of me.) i consider myself a wise individual. but you are wiser than i am. this, on the other hand, is very reassuring. i love you so much for exactly this reason. it is what i have yearned for with my whole heart for as long as i can remember. but an equal has always eluded me. more so someone who is stronger that i am. i need someone to lead me. i want to be lead, i want to be shown, i want to have confirmation of my thoughts and validation of my beliefs. from you. only from you. now it is important to know that you, from a distance, approve of who i am. what i do. i would like you to enjoy what i believe, what i cherish, what i deem holy and what i don’t. i know that you think i am strong. i think i am strong too and i would like your admiration and respect, not just your love. does that make sense? i feel safe enough with you to leave many decisions to you. i shall assist when you need a rest, just for that while. i will be your equal, but your follower. that way we will keep the bible happy. (now, now, no irreverent comments, my love…) i am so happy in the knowledge that i have found someone who seems more solid and dependable than myself. i have needed that but it's been very hard to find. i don't frighten you. well, not much anyway. i love that, i love that! you really have no idea. or, come to think of it, you probably do know. of course. it makes sense. (i have to rethink every single thing about you!)

it has been easy to be in love with you. in love is not hard. in love is the stage where responsibility still hides away. did you know that i had to be reminded of this? did you know i would rethink the seriousness of us? did you hope i would? have you thought of it for a while? did you plan on letting it sink in? you said that we have a responsibility for getting our lives to the point where it makes us happy. we have choices and we have to make decisions. thank you for reminding me. i have told you before that you are sometimes so much more adult than myself. i am often such a child. how can you have patience with me, i ask myself?

i have had enough trouble formulating what i think on a daily basis, and i did not know what to say in this letter, somehow. but you seem to always gift me clarity. you are my personal miracle. my own magic. my own god that belongs just to me. i love you more with each day that passes. and i want you in my life more than ever before. as i have said, being in love is the easy part. living up to love is harder. i want to very badly so that you will consider me a worthy partner, girlfriend. i know you want to too. there are things we have to do to get there. i want to do them. i want you. i need you. we have a journey together, but first we have a short and difficult road that we have to travel, each on our own. and it chills me. but it excites me too, as do you. no one has ever excited me the way you do, to be honest. and this is really true, and i am so very happy to be able to say this to you in all truthfulness. you are a dream come true. how did i ever get to be so lucky?

you are like a spell of truth i have fallen under. there is more alchemy and fascination in truth than there could ever be in falsehood and dishonesty. you embody the reality of bewitchment, for i am bewitched by you. and i love it. and i trust you and i believe you. i know you will never hurt me. i can believe you may even wow death and keep us together until we tire of each other, whenever that may be. i know i am quite comfortable with that thought. bring time on! i know my mind is yours as yours is mine.

good luck with me.

your ruby