darling

somewhere in one of my letters to you i was so very rude. for that i am very sorry. you do not deserve my curtness. you are always kind and i am such a self centred cow. i don't know that i can change that. i thought i could. now i just don't know. but i am sorry i was rude.

to say i miss you will be the truth, but i find a clear satisfaction in the distance between us. it allows me to love you perfectly, without my flaws that come into focus and action, where you can see them up close. you are safer away from that wildness. and my imperfections cannot touch you or mar what i feel and contort it into an unattractive bundle. you are so neat. the picture i keep of you in my mind, has a wholesomeness that seems to take care of everything. nothing short. nothing wasted. perfection in a perfect situation. you are in immaculate control and i am terribly envious of that. how do you do it?  this is why the memory i have of you is so appealing. my lack of control is complete. it must come as quite a shock to you now that we are not together. and i can never undo your realization of that fact. but though that may be so, everything in my heart is feeding off of this spring welling with love within me, all the time, bubbling, chattering, being a thick brew (in a witch's cauldron most likely), and smelling of wet earth, rain, seaweed and amber.

i know how concerned you are for my happiness. you have always said my being happy is important to you. but please understand that your happiness is important to me too. and i am not sure how unhappy i make you. do i? i wish that i do but i hope that i don't. (surely you must also know that without you i am not happy. not even a tiny bit. not at all, not at all!) but i want you to be as happy as you can and without having to deal with my shit.

i do not know the way forward (as they say in these workshops we have).

i have always loved the words to the song below. it is by marcella detroit and it is called 'the art of melancholy'. maybe you will like it too, for quirky reasons we both understand and that would make us smile.

maybe it's my blood sugar
maybe it's because i'm mad
maybe it's because things are going so good
that somehow I've got to make them go bad

maybe it's because I like it
maybe it's just that time
well it sends shivers right through me
the way my own thoughts black and blue me
but I just can't get them out of my mind

it's the art of melancholy
i've really got it down
the art of melancholy
sealed with a frown

maybe I'm just self indulgent
maybe I'm just insecure
maybe it's my mother
or some significant other
maybe I'll never know for sure

i've got the art of melancholy
down to a tee
the art of melancholy
i guess that's how I wanna be
i wanna be

one day I'll be smiling
find my cloud has a silver lining
but for now I'll be blue
aren't you

it's the art of melancholy
down to a tee
the art of melancholy
i guess that's how I wanna be
i wanna be
that's how I wanna be

i wish i could read your mind. but then maybe i don't really wish that at all.

deep down i am hoping that it is as hard for you to be without me as it is for me to be without you, but i still wish only happiness for you. how is that for a contradiction?

the bottom line is that i love you, i do not want to hurt you, it is unwarranted and unfair. please believe me when i say that.

ruby