It's about time. It's about time that I just close my heart off. It's about time I just stop caring about others. It's about time I stop doing so much for others. It's about time I stop stressing for another. It's about time I stop doing crap for others that don't deserve it. It's about time I stop trying to help. It's about time I stop forgiving so easily. It's about time I stop trusting people. It's about time I start living for myself, and only for myself. It's about time I take time for myself. It's about time I start taking care of my mind and body. It's about time I make a choice just because it's what I want. It's about time I act without a regret. It's about time I start being me without another's influence. It's about time I take off my masks. It's about time for me to just relax and be me. It's about time.

I wrote all of this down last night in my sloppy midnight handwriting. When I woke up, I didn't want to read it, but it was right in front of me. I read it three times in total. I felt so many emotions every time I read it. I didn't know whether to listen to my own advice or not. I decided it wouldn't hurt, so I was going to live it out. The main thing that it meant was finding a way to stop loving Lucy. Every time I saw her, I fell in love again and again. Few see her the way I do, I see her at her happiest times, I see her at her saddest times, I see her die inside, I see her come alive with energy.

I guess it would be smart if I told you who Lucy is. Lucy is a brunette, with long sleek hair down to about her waist. She also had whiskey eyes, I loved them most, they were probably my favorite physical feature of hers. Always full of this light, yet always understanding, always comforting, always fighting their own battles though. My mama once told me that if I ever find a girl with pretty eyes, I better not be the one who made them pretty, because the prettiest eyes have cried the most tears. Lucy has cried more then her fair share, though never openly, you always had to walk in on her crying to know. Those eyes though, they're so caring though, so soft and delicate, as if made by the whiskey itself. Yet, if you did a little deeper, you'll see the hard center, the part that she had to become. Lucy has gone through much. Her heartbreak with Kyle was not the first tough time she's had to go through. I've known Lucy since 1st grade, and I've tried and tried to figure out what has all happened, why even in 1st and 2nd grade she had to be so strong. I have yet to figure that out. All I know is, it has something to do with her family, they're not on good terms, basically ever. One day in middle school I wrote down everything I could describe her by, the list went like this:

Strong

Brave

Caring

Intelligent

Passionate

Kind

Relaxing

Fun

Competitive

Daring

Motherly

Determined

Persistent

Ready

Hard working

Down-to-earth

Steady

Big hearted

Willing

Cool

Loyal

Sympathetic

Calm

Considerate

Precious

Genuine

Deserving

Understanding

Adventurous

Amazing

Sweet

Perfect

At the end of the list I added "lovable". Then I crossed it out, I had already forgotten my goal, it's about time. I've never met a girl quite like Lucy before. I've met girls who are kind, and I've met girls who are understanding, but I've never met a girl who is basically everything. She amazes me every day, and every day, I fall in love with her again. It's a vicious cycle. The only way I know how to stop this cycle is to close my heart off from everyone, but that is hard because I've had it open for longer then I ever have before. I must be like Lucy and be strong and determined.

After waiting another 15 minutes for my mama to finish getting ready, she drove me to school. The whole way to school I kept reminding myself to keep closed off. I did my best today, only slightly falling apart when I saw her in the halls on her way to chorus. That was good, day one is always the hardest, you go forward not backward. Well, at least that is what I told myself. I continued following that goal of closing my heart off. Until about two weeks later, where I watched her go to photography, and I didn't feel a thing, I was ridden of love, I may have become a colder son of a b*tch, but it's what you do when you just have to get by. I've tried and tried and tried to find the balance, but for me, there is none. I guess I just can't win, now can I?