What You Deserve

For ChildsplaySophie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING!!!!! This has suicidal thoughts, actions, occurrences, self-harm, but also lots of love. Read only if this will not have a dramatic negative effect on you.

You are 16- ish , Hiccup 17 or 18- ish.

*********************

You put on another fake smile as Snotlout shoved himself in your face. He was "flirting with a beautiful girl," as he claimed. You resisted the long-lasting urge to roll your eyes at the idiotic boy.

"Please go away, Snotlout," you said, softly. You weren't in the mood for annoyances at the moment. I mean, you were never in the mood for annoyances but at this particular moment it was even more unwanted.

"Oh, don't worry, babe. I'm here for you." Your eyebrows pinched together. Snotlout being kind? "Besides, I'm Snotlout. Not everyone can be as gifted and talented as me," he gloated, kissing his muscles. Ah, there it was.

"Don't call me that. I don't like you anymore than one would like a friend that they failed to care about- aka someone they hate. If that much."

"Haha, good one, (N/N)," Tuffnut laughed.

"But-" Snotlout began.

"Snotlout, leave the poor girl alone," Astrid interrupted, stepping in between the two of you.

"Thank you," you whispered in her ear. She gave a slight nod in return, but no one else noticed.

Snotlout walked away, muttering under his breath.

You stared at the ground, tears swimming in your eyes, rubbing your arm awkwardly. You wanted nothing more than to be alone yet not at home.

"(Y/ N)," Hiccup called, placing a hand on your shoulder. You jumped, not expecting the gesture. He saw your teary eyes. "Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.

"What? Oh! Yeah. Perfect. Fine. Perfectly fine. I'm okay. Yup. Okay," you trailed off, looking everywhere except at another person.

"(N/N)," Astrid said, sternly and slowly.

When you said nothing and refused to even look in her direction, she walked over to you and spun you around so she faced you, but you continued staring at the ground. You couldn't show the tears. You couldn't. You just couldn't!

"(N/N), please look at me." You didn't move. "(N/N)!"

"Here, Astrid, let me try," a calm, soothing voice said.

She sighed, "Alright, Hiccup."

Two hands replaced Astrid's on your shoulders. "(Y/ N)," he asked. "(Y/ N), dear, can you please look up at me? Tell us what's wrong. You can trust us."

You kept your head down and slowly shook your head no. No one could help you. And besides, even if they could help, you didn't deserve it.

"Tuff, Ruff, Snotlout, Fishlegs, can you give us some privacy, please?" Hiccup asked. The four nodded and left the dragon academy. "(Y/ N)?" he asked again.

You couldn't take it anymore. A sob slipped through, shaking your shoulders, tears began to pour down your cheeks, your knees buckled, and you began to fall. Hiccup caught you before you hit the ground and he slowly knelt to the ground, holding you against him.

"(Y/ N)?" Astrid asked, frantically. She stood next to you but had no idea of what to do. She had never seen you cry before.

You cried and cried. You cried on Hiccup's shoulder for nearly an hour. The whole time Hiccup and Astrid rubbed small circles on your back and spoke soft, comforting words.

After almost an hour, your sobs weakened and you relax in Hiccup's arms. He noticed and asked, "(Y/ N)? Are you alright? What happened?"

You turned so your back was against him and shook you head. A small hiccup escaped your lips.

Death.

The word floated around your mind like it had been for a month now.

Death.

Suddenly, you stood up and ran off.

"(Y/ N)! Where are you going?!" he called out.

"(N/N)! Wait!" Astrid begged. You weren't going to wait. You didn't wait. You kept running until you reached a calming cliff. You sat on the edge and swung your feet over the edge. It wasn't long before they caught up with you, landing nearby on their dragons and walking behind you.

"It'd be so easy," you said, clearly, staring straight ahead at the setting sun, knowing they were behind you.

"What would be so easy?" Astrid asked.

"To jump. To give up." You stood up. "To end it all. All the pain." You leaned forward- a lot. "All the sorrow. All the-"

"(Y/ N), stop!" Hiccup demanded, wrapping his arms around you to keep from from jumping. From giving up. From ending it all. He pulled you back a few feet. "Don't think like that! Never think like that! Please, (Y/ N)! I can't lose you! I love you too much!"

You turned around in his arms. "What?"

Since he was still hugging you, his head was next to your ear, but you could clearly see Astrid grinning. "I love you, (Y/ N). I've loved you for a while now. Astrid says you love me, too, but I, myself, am not so sure. I understand if you don't but-"

"Hiccup." You pulled back slightly, he did as well. You smiled. "I love you, too. I have for a while now. I thought you wouldn't love me back so I kept quiet. I-" Hiccup didn't let you finish, for he already placed his lips against yours. You kissed back and Hiccup wrapped his arms around your waist, slowly lowered you to the ground, and leaned back, pulling you on top of him as his back hit the ground.

You pulled back after a few minutes, panting. You rested your head on Hiccup's chest as you breathed deeply. Tears suddenly sprang to your eyes and you began to weep again.

Hiccup sat up, resting your head against his upper arm so he could see your face. "(Y/ N)!? What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" You shook your head no. "Did I upset you?" No. "Then what's wrong, sweetheart?"

That made you cry harder. "Daddy!" You cried. "Mommy! I w- want m- m-my m-mommy and d- daddy, Hiccup!" You were sixteen, but you didn't care that you sounded like a child.

"Awe, (N/ N)." He held your head against his chest and rocked you back and forth. "(N/ N), I can't do anything about that. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do. Astrid, what do I do? How can I help her?"

"I don't know! I've never seen her cry- e- except once. And that was a few minutes ago," she trailed off.

"What happens to (F/N)?"

"Hiccup, didn't you hear?" Astrid asked. Hiccup must have shook his head because you didn't hear his response. "He died when you were with your dad at that other tribe writing the peace treaty."

His grip on you tightened. "Oh, (N/N), I'm so sorry. I didn't know. Astrid, how?"

"I don't know. All I know is that he died. Very few people know how."

"Oh, well, thank you, Astrid. You may go now."

"And leave my best friend alone with you? I don't think so. Especially when she needs me." You felt Astrid kneel down next to you and she began running her fingers gently threw your (H/ C) hair.

"D- Dad d- died because of m- me," you admitted. "It's all my fault!" You sobbed even harder.

"Shh. No, (N/N). It's not your fault. How could it be your fault?" asked Hiccup.

You didn't answer for a while. You just cried for another hour or so until you cried yourself to sleep.

"Hiccup," started Astrid. "We can't leave her alone at her place. I'm worried about her. I'm worried about what she might do."

"I know, Astrid," Hiccup said, wiping the tear stains off your cheeks. "She can sleep at my place for a while. I don't mind."

"Thank goodness," Astrid sighed, relieved. "I'll drop by in the morning to see how she is. Goodnight, Hiccup."

"Goodnight, Astrid." She hopped on Stormfly and flew off, leaving you, Hiccup, and Toothless alone on the cliff. "Come on, bud," Hiccup said to Toothless, carefully standing up with you still in his arms. "We need to get (N/N) in a real bed. Home, Toothless!"

****************

You woke up nice and warm. You wondered why and opened your eyes to see someone's chest. You looked up and saw Hiccup's green eyes look back at you.

"Good morning, beautiful girl," he smiled.

You blushed and hid your face in his chest. "Morning," was your muffled response.

"Now, now," Hiccup laughed, tilting your head up. "Don't hide that pretty face of yours." You blushed again. "You look adorable when you blush." You blushed an even deeper shade of red. "See? So cute and adorable," he cooed, rubbing his nose against yours. You blushed again.

"Hiccup," you whined when he pulled back. You had your face in his chest again. "Stop."

"Awe, why? You're so adorable."

"Stop making me blush! Stop throwing lies at me!"

He stopped. "Lies? What lies? What lies am I telling, (Y/ N)?"

"You keep lying. Calling me adorable. I'm not cute, adorable, beautiful, or anything else like that. I'm-"

"Now stop right there, (Y/ N)!" Hiccup demanded, looking you in the eyes. "Who told you those lies? Huh?"

"My father, and they're not lies."

His eyes widened. "(Y/ N), you are the most beautiful person in the world to ever exist."

"How do you know?" you challenged.

"Because I'm looking at you," he answered, smirking. He continued, "You are adorable. Especially when you blush- which since you blush whenever I give you a compliment I get to see your adorable face blush often." You blushed again. "See? You're so cute."

"But father said-"

"I don't care what your father told you, (Y/ N)," he said, serious, "he was obviously was jealous or something because you're so beautiful."

"I'm not," you insisted. You hid your face in his chest. "I'm not beautiful. I'm hideous."

"Stop telling yourself those lies, beautiful girl," he said softly, tilting your chin up to you faced him. He pecked your lips. "I now know why you don't like people telling you that you're beautiful, but you are the most beautiful, pretty, awesome, amazing person to ever exist, you hear me?"

"Hiccup. Can I tell you a secret?" You asked, not making eye contact.

"Of course," he nodded.

"I like it when you call me beautiful and pretty. It makes me happy," you admitted, blushing and hiding your face in the crook of his neck.

"Well, beautiful girl, you better get used to it, because you're stuck with me and my never ending compliments." For a while, he ran his hand through your hair, then when you claimed you were hungry he brought you breakfast in bed.

"Yay!" You squealed, seeing your favorite breakfast. "My favorite!"

"Really? Mine, too. Well, dig in!" And you did so.

It was a small plate to begin with, since he knew of your small appetite, but you couldn't even finish half of the plate he made you. "I'm full," you announced, leaning back after pushing the plate away.

"Full? Already? (Y/N), you literally took only eleven bites."

You giggled, "You were counting?"

"Yes. You need to eat more."

"But I did. My stomach feels like it's about to burst."

He looked at you weirdly. "Now I know why you have such a small appetite."

"Why?"

"You don't eat much, do you?"

"Nope. Why?"

"How often do you eat?" he asked, ignoring your question.

"About once every five or seven days, unless someone offered me food outside of home. Why?"

"Five or seven days?! (Y/N), you need to eat more! Why didn't you eat more?"

"Wasn't allowed to," you shrugged casually.

"Weren't allowed to? Who stopped you? Your father?"

All emotion shut down in less than a second. "Nobody," you answered, robotically.

It wasn't unusual for you to do this, but it still scared people, especially Hiccup.

"Don't shut down on me, (Y/N)," he commanded.

"Shut down on you?" you asked, still emotionless.

He sighed and continued eating his breakfast. Soon after breakfast, Astrid came over, and your emotions came back just as quickly as they went.

"Hi, Astrid!" you sang, happily. A smile came upon Hiccup's face at your smile.

"Hi, (N/N)," Astrid replied, cautiously.

"Is something wrong, Astrid?" you asked. They realized you were acting like the previous night hadn't happened and were worried.

"Are you alright, (Y/N)?" Hiccup asked, putting his hand over your forehead. You didn't have a fever, at least.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" you asked, acting like nothing was wrong.

"(Y/N)," Astrid said, softly. "It's okay to talk to us about anything, you know that, right?"

"Of course," you answered, out loud. Not, you added in your head.

"Okay, remember that."

"I will," you smiled.

Hiccup and Astrid passed nervous glances to each other. The rest of the day, they didn't leave you alone and made sure one- if not both of them- was by your side or in the same room as you. After dinner Astrid said "Goodnight. See you tomorrow," and left. Soon after Hiccup lead you to bed and cradled you in his arms. You waited patiently until you were sure he was in a deep enough sleep before wiggling out of his arms and replacing yourself with a pillow before sneaking out.

You ran as fast as you could to a secluded cliff and laid down to look at the stars one last time. It only lasted a few minutes because you were in a hurry and didn't want to be caught but you enjoyed it while it lasted.

You sighed and stood up. You looked over the cliff and closed your eyes, taking a deep breath. "Goodbye, Hiccup. I love you. Goodbye, Astrid. You were the best friend I could have asked for. I'm sorry I'm leaving y'all so early, but I can't stand living anymore."

You were about to jump when two strong arms wrapped around your waist and pulled you back. "Stop, (Y/N)!" Hiccup begged. You fought as he pulled you away from the edge but you weren't strong enough to fight him off.

"Stop it! Let me go! Stop! Leave me alone! Hiccup, let me go!" you screamed, thrashing around.

"(Y/N)!" Astrid cried, wrapping her arms around your neck. "How could you even think of such a horrible thing?"

"Let me go. I want it to end. I can't live like this," you wept, falling to the ground.

"And we can't live without you, (Y/N)," Hiccup whispered, pulling you onto his lap. He gently rocked you back and forth as you cried and cried.

"L- Let me g- go," you demanded, feebly trying to escape Hiccup's grasp.

"No, (Y/ N). I'm not ever letting go."

You eventually cried yourself to sleep again, and Hiccup and Astrid talked softly, as to not wake you.

"What are we going to do, Hiccup?" asked Astrid, who was very worried of what her best friend would try next. "We can't leave her alone. Ever. What if we don't get here in time next time? What if-"

"Astrid, calm down," interrupted Hiccup. "We're going to help her and make sure she stays alive. She won't die anytime soon. I promise."

Astrid nodded. "Alright. Can she stay at your house again tonight? I'll ask my parents if she can stay at my house tomorrow and the day after that. We can alternate where she stays and when, if it helps."

"I'm not sure that'll be a good idea," admitted Hiccup.

"Huh? How?"

He looked at the sleeping girl in his arms. You looked so peaceful as you slept. Like nothing evil had ever harmed you. Like there was only good in the world.

"I think she needs a nice, calm, and stable environment for a while. All that moving around might make things worse for her. She can stay with me for a while- my dad won't mind- or we can just spend the night at her house as much as possible, either way we can't make it seem like we don't trust her. That wouldn't be good."

"Yeah," Astrid agreed.

Hiccup stood up, you in his arms. "She can spend the night at my house again. Tomorrow we'll calmly talk with her and arrange how the next few weeks are going to go. Does that sound alright?"

"Yes. I'll see you two tomorrow then." Astrid hopped on Stormfly as Hiccup carefully maneuvered on Toothless's saddle. They both flew silently. Hiccup made sure Astrid and Stormfly were safely inside before going to his home. He gently laid you on his bed before caring to Toothless. After he was done, he laid down beside you and held you close.

***********

You woke up to two voices talking quietly.

"Shh, I think she's waking up," a voice said. "(Y/ N). (Y/ N), love, are you awake?"

"No," you whined, pushing the person you were next to.

The voices, belonging to Hiccup and Astrid, laughed. "Come on, sweetheart, time to wake up," Hiccup said, trying not to laugh, but you heard the smile in his voice.

"No," you repeated, rolling over. "Me still want sleep." Your tired state had you replacing the l in sleep with a w.

"Aw, isn't she adorable?" asked Hiccup, holding you closer to him. Astrid snickered.

They let you sleep another half hour before waking you up again. They let you get dressed and had breakfast waiting for you. Hiccup made you eat at least half the plate, which you would've only eaten one fourth of it. Then they set you down in Hiccup's room to talk.

"Please tell us what's going on," Astrid begged.

You remained silent, staring at the floor in front of you.

"(Y/ N), please say something," Hiccup asked. He was sitting beside you on his bed and grabbed your hand.

Again, you remained silent.

They moved on and talked about who would watch over you when. You would stay at your house, but someone (more than likely Hiccup or Astrid) would stay the night to make sure you didn't run off or something.

As they made plans out loud, you made plans silently, staring at the floor the entire time.

They questioned you again but less forcibly this time. You felt this something. Something that told you to tell them about the abuse your father put you through and the things he did to you. But you remained silent.

You almost told. Almost. You looked up at Astrid and opened your mouth to speak. "I-" you had started. Before saying more, you ducked your head down and brought your knees to your chest, hugging them.

"What? You can tell us, (N/ N). Please, tell us. You can trust us. Please don't shut down. Don't close up," Astrid begged, placing a hand on your knee. You flinched but didn't otherwise move or speak.

Hiccup wrapped his arm around your shoulders gently and slowly, as not to startle you. His movements followed in his next action as he wrapped his other arm in front of you: a hug. "Come on, (N/ N)," he whispered. "Please talk to us. We're here for you." You shook your head no. "We want to help you." You shook your head no. "We want you to be happy again." You shook your head no. "Why won't you talk to us? Tell us why you're upset. Tell us why you're hurting. Tell us what's making you hurt. We will help you. We will help you fix your problem."

"What if I don't want help? What if I'm fine on my own? I don't need help! I don't need anyone!" you shouted. "Look what I've become," you thought to yourself, bitterly. "The exact thing I despise: a liar."

"(Y/ N), you can't fight the world on your own," Hiccup said, softly. "Let us be your shoulders to cry on; let us be the light in your darkness; let us bring laughter in your world of misery. We will help you."

You pushed him away and jumped up. "Liar!" you shouted, walking away from them, but you couldn't tell if he was lying or not. Was he? Surely, he was.

"I'm no liar, (N/N)," Hiccup whispered, slowly walking closer. "I only want what's best for you."

"I don't deserve the best," you said in between your teeth, trying not to break down crying. You moved your hands from your hair to you sides, where they dangled semi- loosely and semi- stiffened.

"Now, now," he soothed, placing his hands on your shoulders, then wrapping his arms around you. "Of course you deserve the best. You're you." He whispered calming words into the air; he rubbed soothing circles on your back. He waited patiently as you wept; he waited patiently for you to calm down.

When your sobs turned to little hiccups, you whispered, "Hiccup? Astrid? Am I really pretty? Do I really deserve the best? What do I even deserve, after killing my mother and allowing my father to do suicide?"

Astrid and Hiccup made eye contact. "What?" asked Astrid, unsure of what else to say.

He pulled back just so look at you as he shot out questions. "Killing your mother? Letting your father do suicide? (Y/ N), I promise that you only deserve the best, but please talk to us. What do you mean when you said you killed your mother and let your dad do suicide?"

Tears gathered in your eyes again.

"When I was born, my mother died. She died," you paused to hiccup," during childbirth. She died because she gave birth," you let out a second hiccup, "to me; she," another hiccup, "died because of me." You babbled something Hiccup couldn't understand as he desperately tried to calm you down. He quickly held you close. Hiccup and Astrid held eye contact once again.

Was this how you thought of yourself? A murderer? You were no murderer, this Hiccup was certain of. A mother dying because of childbirth wasn't uncommon, and it certainly didn't make the child a murderer. You thought you were a murderer? (F/N) probably fed those horrible lies to you. No wonder you thought so poorly of yourself.

"Shh. Shh. (Y/ N), sweetheart, calm down. You're no murderer. It's not your fault your mother died. It isn't anybody's fault. Don't blame yourself, love." Hiccup whispered multiple soothing words and phrases into your ear until you calmed down again.

Again, you spoke once your crying calmed. "What about my father. He did suicide. He killed himself! And it's my fault," you looked down, unable to look Hiccup in the eye anymore.

"How is it your fault? It's not your fault. I mean, why do you think it's your fault?" he asked, wondering why you believed that and trying to figure what happened.

"I- I- He didn't like me. Never did. He would yell at me a lot. Sometimes he beat me; he didn't beat me often, just when he was really mad or upset. Especially around my birthday or my mother's birthday. He didn't let me eat as often as him. I learned when I was twelve or so that most people eat multiple times every day, not once or twice a week."

"That's not right," Hiccup mumbled, talking about (F/N)'s actions.

You nodded. "Yes, it is," you defended. You weren't lying.  "At least, I'm sure I was twelve. Maybe I was eleven or ten-"

"Not that. I meant about what your father did to you. It wasn't right for him to treat you so terribly." He rested his hand on your cheek and looked at you like you were made of glass. After a moment of silence, he spoke, "Continue, please."

"One day, while you were gone, he sent me out to do a few things. Errands. When I came back, he was- he was-" you couldn't finish; Hiccup understood.

"Shh. You don't have to say it. I understand," he soothed you again.

You didn't cry as long this time, but leaned most of your weight on Hiccup, who soon lifted you bridal style and carried your yawning self to the bed.

"Astrid," you whined, reaching out for her.

"I'm right behind you, (N/N)," she assured, standing up and following Hiccup. You relaxed again.

"Hiccup? Astrid?"

"Yes, love?" he asked, setting you down softly.

You could hardly keep your eyes open. "Thank you for listening. You're the first two people I've ever told."

He smiled and kissed your forehead. "We're honored. Thank you for talking to me. It means everything to me." He glided next to you. You didn't hesitate to snuggle closer to him, resting your face in his side. He chuckled quietly and wrapped his arm around you.

"Astrid," you reached for her.

"Yes, (N/N)?" she asked, standing next to the bed.

"Stay. Cuddle, please."

Astrid smiled but slid in to bed next to you. You were now in the middle, with Hiccup or Astrid on either side of you. You moved to your back and smiled with your eyes closed.

"Astrid?"

"Yes?"

"I love you. You're the best friend I could ever ask for."

"Thank you, (N/N)." You nodded.

"Hiccup?"

"Yes, love?"

"I love you, Hiccup."

He beamed, "I love you, (Y/ N). And for you question- what do you deserve- well, what you deserve, is the best. You deserve a full belly, kind words, a warm bed, a man who loves you, people you love. Everything you want, you deserve."

You smiled and looked up at him. "You deserve the same, Hiccup." You kissed his cheek.

"My beautiful girl, you're all I want. You're all I need." He pecked your lips.

"As you are for me," you said, pecked his lips, then closed your eyes. "Goodnight, Hiccup. Goodnight, Astrid."

"Good afternoon," joked Astrid.

"Good afternoon, love. Sleep well. You need the nap."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~