It Hurts Me

For ChristanDowdel  

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WARNING: this has self harm in it. Please do NOT read if it will have negative affects on you!

You  both 16 for this first part

*********

You watched from afar as your crush and his friends landed their dragons in the academy.

You saw Hiccup, your long time crush, laughing at something Astrid, his girlfriend, had said.

Hiccup said something back before kissing Astrid on the cheek.

You felt a sharp pain in your heart and looked away. You just couldn't watch anymore so you went home. Which just so happens to be next to Hiccup's.

Later that night, you were cutting vegetables for your dinner. Your house was quite, like usual. Your parents had died from a dragon raid a couple years ago so it was just you and (D/ N), your (D/ T), now.

You let your mind wonder as you made your dinner. Why doesn't Hiccup notice your absence? Before y'all made peace with the dragons, the two of you were best of friends. You were there as he trained Toothless, his night fury; you were there to help him. Why didn't he notice you now that you weren't there? Maybe he did-

OUCH!!!!!

Your thoughts disappeared but we're replaced by pain as blood flowed slowly out of your hand. You had accidentally cut your hand and made a small, and luckily not deep, cut across your palm.

You bandaged it immediately before releasing: the pain had made your thought about Hiccup to go away.

You continued making dinner, a new plan forming in your mind.

***************** (4 years later. You are both 20 but before the second movie)

You heard laughter behind you, but didn't turn around. Instead, you kept looking at the setting sun in the middle of the village. It was lovely.

Then something shoved you forward and as you stumbled, two hands reached out to catch you. "Sorry," he said.

"Hiccup!" Astrid scolded. You heard Snotlout and the twins snicker in the background.

You looked up to see Hiccup behind quickly looking back at the ground as blush covered your cheeks. "It's okay," you whispered.

"Sorry. I'm so sorry," he repeated. "I should've been paying attention. I'm so sorry."

"I said 'it's okay'. It was an accident," you said before walking away, still looking at the ground. You walked home, going to sleep soon before the sun completely set.

***************

You awoke to screaming. It was normal occurrence since the dragons attacked so often. You jumped out of bed to give your parents good luck before they went out to fight.

When you got downstairs they were already gone. Must've been in a rush, you thought. I'll go try and help.

You ran upstairs to grab your helmet before racing out the door. You saw your mom not too far away fighting a Zippleback.

"Mom!" You cried, running towards her.

She turned towards you at the sound of your voice. "No! (Y/ N), stay back! Ahhh!" she screamed, the firey breath of the dragon burning her.

You started to run faster but someone grabbed your arm. "Mom! Mommy!" You cried, fighting against the person holding you back. "No!"

Next you watched as your dad ran into the fire to save your mom.

Neither of them came out.

****************

You gasped, shooting up into a sitting position in your bed, waking from the recurring nightmare.

Tears ran down your face as the memories swam around in your brain.

Not being able to deal with it any longer, you reached underneath the bed, your hands searching for a box.

Reaching hold of it, you lifted it onto your lap and opened to the see what it contained. A red rag and a knife.

Slowly, your hand circled the handle of the knife and lifted it out of the box. After setting the box aside, you pulled your long sleeves up. Thousands of scars and cuts covered each of them. So ugly, you thought but you still placed the blade of the knife against your skin.

You took a deep breath, your mother's and father's screams filled your head until you couldn't take it anymore. Then you applied pressure and moved the knife up your arm.

You gasped as the physical pain took over your brain, your parent's screams and cries disappearing.

"(Y/ N)!" You heard someone gasp. It sounded as if it was miles away though, and barely heard it. "(Y/ N), STOP!" The knife was yanked from your hand as you were forced back into reality.

Standing there, holding your bloodied knife, was none other than Hiccup, looking as shocked and hurt as ever. Why would he look hurt? you asked yourself.

You two simply stared at each other, not knowing what else to do or say.

"(Y- Y/ N)?" Hiccup finally asked. "(Y/ N), why? Why would you do this to yourself?" he asked, kneeling onto the floor, bringing your left arm in his hands.

You kept silent.

"(Y/ N), answer me. Please," he begged, looking up into your (E/C) eyes. His emerald green ones held tears in them, but they didn't spill. "(Y/ N)."

"I can't explain," you whispered.

"Why not? Tell me. Please. Please tell me."

"I can't," you closed your eyes and turned your head.

A finger under your chin turned you back to face him as you opened your eyes. "(Y/ N), why can't you tell me? We use to tell each other everything. Everything."

"'Used to'," you quoted. "Not anymore."

"Yeah, I noticed. How long have you been... you know..." he trailed.

"Four years."

"That's a year after we stopped hanging out," he said, thoughtfully, and to himself. "Is that why, (Y/ N)? Oh, (Y/ N), I'm so sorry." He wrapped his arms around your torso.

You winced at the pain, then started gasping. "Ow."

He pulled back. "Sorry. Again. Show me."

You knew what he meant and grabbed the hem of your shirt, lifting it to your ribs, but no higher. He gasped at the sight. Your stomach was filled with cuts. So many, you couldn't see any scars.

"(Y/ N)," he cried, a couple tears escaping his eyes. He slowly reached his hand out and ran his fingers across a couple cuts. You winced a little, and he froze. "(Y/ N), please, stop. Just stop. Don't do this to yourself. Don't hurt yourself."

"But-"

"No buts! Stop it! Stop it now!"

"But then-"

"NO BUTS, (Y/ N)!!!" he shouted, wrapping his arms around your shoulders. "I hate seeing you like this," he whispered, crying. "It hurts me."

"How? How does it hurt you, Hiccup?"

"Because I- because I love you, (Y/ N). I've been meaning to tell you for a while but I wasn't sure how you felt and-"

"What about Astrid?"

"We broke up about a year ago, (Y/ N). Didn't you know?"

You shook your head, "No. I didn't. You always hung out with her and the gang so I didn't know."

"Well, I love you, (Y/ N)."

"I love you too, Hiccup."

"Really?" You nodded. He cheered, picking you up and spinning around in circles.

You didn't notice any pain as he did and soon you two were asleep on your bed, you using him for a pillow as he wrapped his arms around you.

**********

Screams. Death. Fire. Mom. Dad. Screams. Cries. My fault. All mine. You woke up in cold sweat, breathing heavily. You cried of quietly as you could since Hiccup was still next to you, asleep.

A couple minutes later you decided you couldn't take it anymore.

Dear Hiccup,

I am so so so so so sorry. I just can't take it anymore.

The memories are too painful. I can't go on.

I love you. I'm sorry.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Never forget that.

Love,

(Y/ N)

You laid the note next to him before sneaking out.

Toothless and (D/N) were asleep in the living room so you snuck out without a sound.

Once the door was shut, you started running. You ran as fast as you could to a high cliff at the edge of the village. You looked down to see the traveling waves beat the side of the cliff. Way down at the bottom.

You looked straight ahead, the full moon and the thousands of stars giving you plenty of light.

Your let your eyes rest shut.

"(Y/ N)! No! Don't! Stop!" You heard from above. Hiccup was here. With Toothless.

You looked up, seeing a black figure quickly coming closer.

Panicking, you jumped.

You felt the wind rush past through your hair like it does when you flew on (D/N).

"NO!!!!!!!!!" Hiccup cried. "(Y/ N)!"

As you neared the water, two hands caught you, pulling you towards Hiccup.

He had saved you.

He landed Toothless between his house and yours before pulling you off with him and hugging you close. "(Y/ N)," he cried. "I thought we weren't going to make it. I was so scared. Why would you do that? Why? Oh, (Y/ N)."

"Hiccup," you cried, your knees giving out. He sunk down to the ground with you, his arms never leaving. "Hiccup! I don't know why! The pain. It's too much! I can't take it! It's too much! Too much!"

"Don't. Don't leave me. Never. Never do that again. Please, (Y/ N)," he whispered.

"I can't promise that."

"Then try. Just don't hurt or kill yourself. Don't leave me. Please don't."

"I won't. Just don't leave me."

"I will never leave you. I will be by your side no matter what. Always. I promise."

"Always," you whispered, darkness covering you as you fell into a deep, peaceful sleep.

Hiccup noticed you were asleep and carried you to his room. He positioned you like how y'all were earlier. He stayed awake for the rest of the night. Just in case.

He helped you, like he promised.

He made the pain go away, even better than the knife did. He asked you to either move in with him, or have him move in with you, so he could always be there when you needed him- which was often. Three days later, you finished moving in his room with him. After three months, he stood by your side as you- willingly- threw the knife out into the ocean before pulling you into a passionate kiss.

Life quickly got better and within six month, he proposed.

"Will you marry me, (Y/ N)?" he asked, a ring that he made himself in his hands as he looked up at you hopefully.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!"

He smiled, quickly placing the ring on your finger and pulling you into a kiss.

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