..I really don't want to do this...

possible trigger warning?

-Todorokis POV-

"There are a lot of pills at the hospital, you know?" I nod "But they say it also hurts" I look down at Katsuki, who's lying on my chest "What about sleeping pills? I mean we would sleep and probably won't feel anything right?" "On the other side, I also want to be sure that it happened and when we sleep, we like can't make sure it actually happened" I shrug.

The door opens and Nemuri walks in "Boys, the police is here" the police comes in, we don't move. They walk up to us. One is a man with short hair and a mustache, like in those dumb movies. The other is a women with brown hair in a ponytail. "They want to talk to Todoroki about his father" the female cop turns around and nods, then Nemuri leaves. "Can we talk with you alone, it's actually something personal" we sit up and look at each other, then we look at the cops again "He stays" I hold his hand "With all due respect-" I know it's not the right time to be rude, but I don't want to stay alone with people I don't know "No, I don't know you and I don't trust you. He stays or you can go" they sigh and sit down on the chairs. "Make it fast, I don't want to talk about my father" I glare at them. The female starts to talk "Since you weren't there at the judgement, we need to ask you some questions to see if your brother Dabi Todoroki said the truth". Dabi, how dare he call himself a Todoroki. First he disappears for many years, then he wants to get sexual with me. How can he still sleep as if nothing happened?

"First of. Dabi Todoroki, 25 years old, has a different mother and lived with you, is that information correct?" I look confused at them "I thought this is about my father". How much did Dabi lie? No, I don't wan to know.

I'M GOING TO CRY NOW. I FUCKING WROTE 700 WORDS AND THEN THE TAB JUST CLOSED AND EVERYTHING IS NOW GONE. I REALLY FUCKING NEED TO REWRITE THIS.

"Yeah, it is true, now can you make it faster?" they look at each other and then again at me "It was told that your father abused you emotionally, physically and sexually, is that true?" these questions are really uncomfortable. "If you lie to us, you will have a lot of problems and if some of this information is wrong, we need to call on another judgement, where you need to be present" she says with a blank face. As is I will go on some judgement. Of course he didn't abused me sexually or something like that, he only hit me from time to time, but my sibling always tried to help. why did Dabi say this stuff, does he want to make his life a living hell? I only wanted him out of my life.

"Yeah it's true" I can feel Katsuki staring at me. The male cop writes something down and then the female starts to talk again. This went on for some time.

"Okay we are done with the questions. Also a metal health institute would be happy, if you will go to them to get better. They already talked with your sister and Kayama-san, but since you will turn 18 next week, you can decide on your own" she smiles "No" I look at the floor, who is now my friend. "Like I said, it will be up to you" she still smiles, I stay silent. They stand up and Then I finally look at them. They hold their hands towards me and I shake them. "You seem like really good friends" I look at the man "We are a couple!" he smiles "Sorry.Then you seem like a good couple" okay, I'm a little shocked, there are really still people out there who are okay with gay couples. "Thank you" I need to smile. They leave and Katsuki and I cuddle again.

"So where were we?" I look down at him "Double suicide" "Right" my voice gets sad again.

We were so lifeless the last couple of days. We barely talked and when we did, we just talked really quite and with no emotion. Yesterday, or well this night we decided to kill ourselves, actually it was going through our heads a long time before that night, but I think you know what I mean. First we wanted to die just like this, not doing anything, but then we figured that he will die of his anorexia and I still need to kill myself. We want to die together. We can't fight anymore, we don't need to fight anymore.

"Shoto, are you scared?" I stay silent for a moment and hug him tighter "Of course I am" he nods "What if something will go wrong?" I open my mouth to answer but close it again "So you don't know either" he whispers.

I sit up and so does he "It's 11pm now, we can go and search for some pills you know, not that many nurses run around right now" he looks at the floor "Is this floor you friend? You look a lot at the ground you know" I raise one eyebrow. He looks up and chuckles "I had some kind of fan fiction in my head, about this floor. Kind of dumb but okay" I smile and hug him, he hugs back. I pull away from the hug and start to kiss him.

My hands are around his neck and his are on my chest. I pull him closer and start to kiss him more passionate. Small moans come out of his mouth and soon after we pull back. I smile and "Damn I'd be 18 in a couple of months and I'm still a virgin" (Okay, it's legal to have sex with the age of 14 in germany so don't come at me) he looks confused at me "Didn't your dad, ehm, you know.." I raise one eyebrow and then remember "Oh, what no. I told the cops that because I didn't want to go on another judgement" he nods "Okay, thank god" I chuckle and hug him "Are you still a virgin Katsuki?" he nods in my chest "I actually don't want to have sex, I just don't see the need to lose my virginity. Shoto, is that weird?" I shake my head "No, some people just don't want it and it's totally normal. We will die virgins" "No, life fucked us" I frown.

These kind of quotes you would probably hear from 12 year olds, but Katsuki is right, life really fucked us.

We walk out of our room "Do you know where pills are?" I turn my head to him "Next to Nemuris office" he leads the way and I walk behind him "Do you know what pills we could use"I say what comes first to my mind "We could take Advil, we need to overdose. I once tried it but guess who took me to the hospital"

DO NOT KILL YOURSELF. ITS NOT AN OPTION. IF YOU NEED HELP TALK TO A PERSON YOU TRUST OR YOU CAN DM ME.

"Fuyumi?" I nod.

After some time of hiding and walking we reached the room "Do you think it's closed" I nod again. He reaches for the doorknob and surprisingly the door was unlocked. We walk in and see a ton of pills and other medicament's. We look at each other and then begin to search "You know we could just take a lot of different pills and hope that they will kill us" I stop searching and look at Katsuki "You're right" I take just as many as I can and he does the same. Our hands are full and we walk back.

We sit down on my bed "How much do you have?" he counts and I do the same "20 different pills, you" I finish counting "I have 23". This actually scares me, it gives me so much adrenaline and anxiety.

Before I could say something else, the door swings open "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING" Nemuri. We sit still and look her coming closer and trying to take all the pills "Are you insane? Fuck what would have happened, if I didn't notice that pills were missing? God you scared the shit out of me" she cries by now. she kneels down and cries in her hand. Katsuki and I are looking at each other and then again at her. She stand up again and makes some kind of bag out of her doctor smock and puts the pills in there. Katsuki stand up and walks towards her, but she turns around and leaves. She slams the door shut.

"W-we could jump off of the building" he says. I walk up to him and nod. God why is it so hard to die?

We walk hand in hand on the roof. I open the door and we walk out. It's really windy, we should have taken our coats. "Do you think it will hurt?" I look down at him "I once had a friend who jumped off of a building, the firefighters rescued him somehow, however when I was visiting him at the hospital, he said that it feels like flying and that it was beautiful. A week later he jumped again, but this time he died" he looks me terrified in the eyes "What was his name?" "Hawks".

We walk on the edge and look down, we still hold hands. "Do you know the move 'the edge of seventeen'?" I nod "Well, that title fits our situation" I smile and squeeze his hand.

"On three?" he looks at me "On three! But first let me kiss you" we both smile and lean in for a kiss that didn't last too long, but was filled with love and hope. Wait did I just say hope? Fuck.

The sky is black b now, no stars, no moon. It is windy, so windy that my hair starts to look like Katsukis. The good thing about this wind is, that it feels like it blows all the dark thoughts way, sadly not the tired soul.

Katsuki starts to hum "What are you humming?" he stops and looks at me "I heard a depressed song once and well" I nod. Then I hear him sing with a soft voice "Slit your wrist and cut your thighs. Fake a smile and dry your eyes. Hate yourself and hate your life. Welcome to my world of lies" he sounded lifeless, still scared, still full of hope, but at the same time as if he had given up.

I don't know if we gave up, maybe we still hope that someone will rescue us? I wan to die, but at the same time I want to live. They always said it will be better, but I was sad for years and it didn't get better, then I met him, he lighten my life. "Shoto, I don't know if I want this, but I want this? I make no sense" I tighten my grip on his hand "I feel the same". We look at each other and then again down. I start to count.

"1"...

I will never forget how he sang for me. This was really something,

"2"...

Or how red he would get when he was embarrassed. It was adorable. He made me smile. He was the only one, no, he still is the only one. God I love him so much, it is just, I can't describe it. It's like anxiety, but different. Except for feeling the constant fear, you feel the love. You don't worry for your actions, but for losing him. I think that was the worst description of love that I ever made. I can't find the right words, just..

"I love you"

"I love you too"

We both tighten our grip and say at the same time..

"3"

__________________________________________________________

OKAY THIS IS NOT THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sind hier deutsche??? H-hallo??

This story turned out really...depressing. To be honest I didn't plan this fanfic be so sad..

Okay I have good news: finally holidays..7 weeks. I never said it will be good news for the story..

*inhales* AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH you actually like this??? how did this get 8,33k reads???

I think you know what I will say now...it starts with s and ends with uffer.. you're right..

S U F F E R

Word count: 2124