TW panic attack, self harm

-Bakugous POV-

Since Shoto called me, I feel very worried, something just seems wrong and this feeling makes me scared, not for myself but for Shoto. Especially when he told me what his brother has done to him what if he does that again?

I don't know what I would do, if something happens to him.

I had several anxiety attacks since the call, not big ones. I could handle it.

It's so quite without Shoto, I feel just so lonely. Sure Nemuri, Deku and my parents came by more often, but they are not Shoto.

He was the one who lighted up my day, who made me laugh again, the one who showed me again what love is. Not the kind of love where you walk through the high school halls and the look at each other and fall in love, not this cliche thing, it is more, can you even describe it? It was more like the feeling when you wake up on a saturday morning very early and don't feel tired or completely awake, just when you feel relaxed and happy. It's like when you get that weird feeling when you hear a certain song that you haven't heard in years. It is like when you go through a day without worries. When you just look into space, sky, stars, whatever, and have this happy scared feeling of what's above you. I think that's how I'd describe it for myself.

It isn't that strong anymore since he is gone, the feeling I mean. Something is just missing. I won't forgive me, if something happens to him.

"Katsuki time for lunch" Nemuri walks in with the liquid food.

Things just got worse since he's gone, I just stopped eating and then we needed to start with the liquid food again.

I remember when Dr. Toshinori talked with my mother about that. They were in another room when he told her, that I got worse. I could hear her cry. She was just so worried, they even needed to give her sedative, because she couldn't calm down.

It was really heartbreaking. Annoying too, but I feel guilty for thinking that, they're all just worried.

I remember when that happened the first time, I almost died because the stupid nurse didn't know how it works.

I think now she's just scared, my mom I mean, or more sad, that I hadn't gotten better. And to be honest, I am also disappointed in me. I'm just a fuck up.

"Where is the stupid lady, who doesn't knew how to do this shit?"

She looks up "You mean Takeyama? She still works here, but she isn't allowed to work with food" I nod.

After I, well you can't really call it eating, got lunch I just stared at the wall, like I always do. I lost all interest in everything, I just stared at the wall the whole day, waiting for it to end. It just really hurts to just stop being happy because something, or more specific, someone is missing.

I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. I wipe them away, but new ones come every second. I bury my face in my hands and break out crying. I try to hold it back, but it just huts so much.

But to lighten your day I also have good news, well not about me but about the others in the hospital.

Eri is finally out, she got a new heart. It was a really difficult operation, Nemuri was there too, she had only 40 percent chance to survive this operation and the angel she is, she did it. Her dads also got married.

This dying boy, from whom I stole the cosplays, isn't dying anymore. He starts to beat cancer. When he first find out that he got better, his whole family was there and let me tell you, he really has a lot of family members. They were all crying too. I hope they won#t come for me because of the cosplays though.

"Katsuki, you can't just stare at the wall like this all day" I look at the door and see my mother

"What do you want me to do?"

She walks in, closes the door and sits down on the empty bed beside mine."You just were so passionate about drawing and whatnot. I found your old sketchbooks at home and it was really impressive how you improved from time to time" I stay silent "I know it hurts that Shoto is, ehm, not here right now, but he promised that he will visit as soon as he can, right?" I feel tears in my eyes again.

My mother walks up to me and hugs me "Oh god my dear, do you feel hurt so much? You know you can talk to me right?"

I back away from the hug  and wipe the tears away "I just feel so worried that something will happen to him, he had struggles here and I can't imagine how it might be at his house. Especially with what is going on, you have seen the news right?"

She nods "Yeah, he really has hard times, but don't forget to look after yourself too. I bet Shoto would be as sad as you right now, if he knew how you are doing"

I hug my legs "It's just I never felt so safe and happy  and now he is just gone" I don't even know if what I say makes any sense "I really love him mom" my voice cracks and I cry again. I don't know, there is so much on my mind, that it comes all at oonce and feels like there's nothing going on in my head. A silent chaos? Does that sound cliche? I hate it.

We stayed like this for a while and she calmed me down. We talked about normal stuff, like how dad is doing, how Deku still comes by at my parents house. Just like nothing has changed. If it only would be like this forever.

The door to my room jumps open and Nemuri stands there out of breath "What's wro-"

She cuts me off "It's Shoto" my eyes widen and I literally jump out of my bed and follow Nemuri through the halls.

She takes me to another room, and we stop in front of it. There is a glass window in the door so I could see, and kind of hear, what is going on. I didn't believe what I saw, for a moment. 

"Shoto Todoroki, 17 years old, blood type O" I back away from the door and fall on the ground, my hand on my mouth of all the shock. Nemuri immediately runs up to me and helps me up "It's better when you go back to-"

"No, I need to stay here" I stand up and walk back to the door to listen to what the other nurses say

"His veins are open, he lost a lot of blood"

"Do we have blood type O?" they put all the bandages, that were put on his wrist, away. I will never frget that sight. It looked like it was taken straight out of a horror movie.

I sit down on the floor and grab my head. I can feel how it starts. The panic. Just this disgusting feeling in the chest, how the heart starts to beat really fast and you start to sweat. Some kind of pressure in my chest, that doesn't even make sense. I can barely breathe. It seems like I didn't even blink one time since I looked in the room. I can't hear anything. I want to cry so bad, I don't know how it would fix anything, but I think it would make me feel better, but there aren't any tears that will come out, it only makes things worse. It feels like waiting for something really bad happen to my body or for something to explode inside of me, but it just doesn't come. The feeling is there that any moment something will happen, that a knife will be in my chest, that I stop breathing, but it just doesn't come. I wait and wait, I feel so sick so scared. How is my vision so clear yet so blurry? It just doen't make sense. Someone just shoots me in the chest, but the bullet won't arrive at my body. His wrist, how it looked like, it repeats in my head. How much blood, how much more blood came out of his arm and just wouldn't stop, the blood that covered his whole arm and the arms of the nurses. I feel like I'm falling off of a cliff but just won't crash on the ground. I hear a ringing it gets louder and quieter again, that repeats it's so annoying. 

I get cut off of air completely, my lungs don't work. I can't breathe. I stand up, somehow, and grab my chest. My eyes widen, I have a really bad cramp in my chest, it hurts and burns.

I slowly hear voices coming back. "..h..can't breathe. Nemuri NEMURI HE CAN'T BREATHE" I wait to the moment where I pass out but it doesn't happen.

I sit down and Nemuri kneels down in front of me, she places one hand on my shoulder the other on leg "Listen Katsuki, try to calm down, concentrate on your own breathing, do not think of something else" I look at her in shock and try to do as she says "Yes you are doing good Katsuki. Breathe in and out" I take deep breaths and come back to normal breathing again "You do well Katsuki" she sits down beside me and hugs me "Everything is gonna be alright, I promise you" my mom sits down on the other side of me and hugs me too. 

After a while Nemuri goes in the room where Shoto is and leaves me and my mother alone.

My panic attack isn't that bad anymore, it's still there but not that bad. It's in that awkward moment where you feel it happening, but it's gone.

Nemuri comes back and sit down next to me. She takes my hands and looks in my eyes "Listen Katsuki, Shoto is sleeping right now, he is not in a coma, just sleeping. He lost a lot of blood, but he will be okay. He will wake up soon and you can go see him" I nod and she hugs me "Everything is gonna be okay" she whispers in my ear.

Later, I didn't really look at the time, she said I could go see him. First I hesitated, I was scared, but then eventually went.

I open the door and see his siblings by his side. His siblings stand in front of him, so that I can't see him.

His sister, I think her name is Fuyumi, turns around and hugs me, I hug her back. Not immediately, I don't know her that well, but we both are worried about the same person.

"Fuyumi, who is that?" she let go of the hug and stepped aside, so that Shoto and I can see each other.

I stand still and look him in the eyes "We will leave you alone" Fuyumi and the two brothers walk out. 

"Hey" I whisper

"Hey" we stayed silent for a moment, but then we both start to cry silently. I run up to him and hug him "Nemuri told me that you were so scared that you couldn't breathe"

I shake my head "Everything is okay with me now. How-Why... Are you okay?" I sit up and take his hands in mine. One hand is bandaged.

"I swear I didn't want this to happen, I didn't do this on purpose Katsuki"

I cup his face and wipe his tears away "Shh, I believe you, just don't scare me like this ever again" I kiss and hug him again "When I said to come as soon as possible, I didn't mean that" I say sarcastically

He rolls his eyes and smiles. "Did you tell Nemuri how it happened?"

He looks down "Yeah, I told her what happened with my brother and what happened after. She said she will do as much as possible, so that I won't have much problems" I nod.

"God, I don't want to know what would happen with you, if I-"

I cut him off "Don't say it, I don't even want to think of that" he nods.

I look down at his wrist "Does it hurt very much?" I look worried

"Yeah kind of. All I can say is that I will have a big scar there" he chuckles but stoppes very soon "Katsuki, I'm scared"

"Of what?" tears are rolling down his cheeks, I wipe them away

"I- I don't know. I guess of what will happen"

I kiss his hands "Don't think of it. I am here, you are here, we are both alive, everything is good now" he nods.

It's not good. I know I said we are good now, but we are not.

"You are lying, aren't you?"

"Yeah"

So yeah your sadistic gay Author will make you suffer more.

I was on some angsty shit back then

Edited