"I, too, remember that feeling. You are caught between all that was and all that must be. You feel lost."

—Haruki Murakami, Hard-Boiled Wonderland And The End of The World

I peered at Jamie from my hideaway behind the last bookshelf and felt the familiar tug of war in my heart. Part of me wanted to hate him and the other part longed for the friendship that we once shared.

Once upon a time Jamie and I were inseparable and now I could barely stand the sight of him. The memories just kept on replaying in my head and a sad smile made its way to my face when I thought about the things that had made us...well, us.

"Love you," he'd whisper.

"Love you more," I'd whisper back and wait for the reply that always followed.

"Never!"

And then we'd laugh it off and pretend that it wasn't more than that, but slowly it had stopped being just a joke and the lines of our friendship became blurred, complicating an already complicated situation.

"Taylor, can you come here for a sec?"

I craned my neck and spotted Millie at the counter sorting through some files. "What's up?" I asked, walking towards her.

"I need to ask you a huge favor," she said.

"I'm listening."

"I'll be out of town for a few days, a week at most and I'm going to need you to hold down the fort," she stated. "I hate to put you on the spot like this, but I cannot miss this trip."

I mulled it over and decided that maybe the added responsibility would keep me so busy I'd have no time to drown in my sorrows.

"Please," she added.

"I'll do it," I shrugged. "No biggie."

She breathed a sigh of relief and offered me a feeble "thank you," before disappearing into the lounge.

"The ice queen has a heart after all," Connie teased from her post behind the cash register.

I glared at her but it morphed into a smile when she rolled her eyes. "I asked Jamie to dinner," she said, giving me a sad smile. "Now I know why girls aren't supposed to be the ones to initiate the date."

"I really don't care—"

"He turned me down," she continued as though I hadn't spoken.

"Mhmm," I nodded.

"He said that his heart was already taken," Connie sighed.

I arched my brow. "He said what now?"

"That's what I said, too," she sulked.

I shook my head and went back to my hideaway. Jamie in love? Unlikely.

My phone buzzed, signaling a new text message. Please stop ignoring my calls.

I pulled down the notification bar and sure enough, I had five missed calls from my mother.

I deleted the text and tucked my phone back into my pocket. The last thing I needed was a conversation with her that would only make me cry, and Taylor Evans loathed crying. Especially since that's the only thing I did lately.

"Psst!"

I glanced behind me and broke into a grin when I saw Hailey.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, giving her my hand so that she could pull me up.

"I'm taking you to lunch best friend," she winked.

"I'm highly suspicious about your real motives," I raised my brow.

"No hidden agenda here, just a simple lunch with my better half," she said, giving me a sweeter-than-sugar kind of smile.

"Better half?" I laughed. "Now I'm really worried."

She held up the peace sign and smiled. "No shady business, I promise."

I eyed her warily. "I've already used my free hour, so Millie won't—"

"I've already cleared it with Millie, you're safe," she grinned.

"I'll just get my stuff then." I flashed her a smile as I headed to the lounge.

I pulled on my sweater and after grabbing my bag, turned to leave the room. I paused as I was about to open the door and glanced behind me. Jamie was sitting by the window with his knees pulled up and his head resting on it. "Hey," I said, not sure what I was doing.

"Hey," he replied, not bothering to look at me.

I hesitated for a second before moving closer to him. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything's just peachy," he mumbled.

"It may have been three years, but I can still tell when you're lying to me."

He looked at me then, and the sadness I saw in his eyes made my heart ache. "Jamie I..."

"I'm okay, Taylor," he cut me off. "Weren't you leaving?"

I glanced at the door and then back at him. "Yeah, I was."

He nodded and when he looked away, I took it as my cue to leave.

***

"You're not eating," Hailey said, stuffing fries into her mouth.

"And you're gonna choke," I chuckled.

She wiped her mouth and frowned. "Why aren't you eating?"

"Not that hungry."

"First you're quiet all night and now you're not hungry," she said slowly. "You've peaked my interest, Taylor Evans, so spill."

"What makes you think I have dirt?" I laughed. "I'm squeaky clean."

Her frown deepened. "It's written all over that poor joke."

"It wasn't a joke," I muttered.

"What's the matter?" she asked.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Yup," I said, popping the 'p'.

"I know something's wrong," she pressed.

I sighed. "It's been a very long day Hails, can we not do this tonight?"

Her tone softened. "I know and I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you. We're all worried about you."

I gave her a weak smile and when she returned it, I picked up my plate and took it into the kitchen. I was worried about me, too. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was drowning and it terrified me.

"You've lost weight," she commented from the doorway.

"Hailey, please," I said as I put away the leftovers.

"You know, it's okay to cry," she said quietly.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that I needed your permission," I said with a bitter laugh.

She followed me out of the kitchen and into my bedroom. "Do you know what your problem is?" she asked, tapping me on the arm.

"I think I have a pretty fair idea," I said acidly.

She ignored that and continued. "You're suffering and you're so determined to shut me out that you don't even realize it's taking over your life."

"Of course you'd make this about you," I muttered.

"And of course you'd choose to gloss over the rest of what I've said," she retorted.

It was moments like this that I questioned my friendship with Hailey. She just didn't know when to back off.

I turned around to face her and all of a sudden I felt tired, like the world had drained me of everything that I had. She studied me, waiting for the yelling to start, but I had zero energy left.

I brushed past her and locked myself in the bathroom. I pulled my knees up and closed my eyes, waiting for the one reliable thing in my life— my ever efficient tears. But they never came, so I just sat on the bathroom floor hugging my knees until the initial wave of sadness had been lifted.

Later that night I was in bed pretending to be asleep when Hailey came in, like I knew she would. "I'm an idiot," she began. "But you're an idiot too."

A pregnant pause.

"Taylor!" she groaned impatiently. "You're acting like a child."

I pushed the covers off and clambered to my feet.

"What are you doing?" she asked when I slipped a t-shirt on.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I snapped.

"It looks like you're fleeing," she admitted. "That's a bit dramatic don't you think?"

I ignored her and grabbed a jacket from the hallway closet before I left the house, resisting the urge to slam the door shut behind me—because that would have been dramatic.

I got behind the wheel of my car and with trembling hands, stuck the keys into the ignition. After taking a deep breath, I pulled out of the driveway. I drove to my favorite spot just beyond the city limits, a small cliff that overlooked the prettiest lake that I'd ever seen.

If there was anything that I loved more than ice-cream and a rather unhealthy dose of Gossip Girl, it was the lake.

After putting the car in park, I stepped out and closed the door with a soft thud. The cool breeze that greeted me, gave me a feeling of serenity and my sour mood instantly dissolved. I pulled my jacket tighter around me as I walked toward the cliff. I slowed my pace when I saw that I wasn't the only one there.

With only the moon to offer light, I made out that it was a guy. Probably sensing that he was no longer alone, he glanced behind him. "No freaking way," I groaned.

"I was here first," Jamie muttered. "If it bothers you so much, leave."

"What crawled up your butt?" I asked, plopping down beside him. "And since I was the one who found this place, I think I'll be staying."

"We found it," he corrected, referring to all those summers spent together that I had long forgotten.

I didn't reply, instead I stared out at the lake. I looked on in awe at its beauty. The moonlight's reflection dancing on the water, gave it a magical appearance and I sighed in content.

"You know, you kind of look homicidal when you make that face," Jamie chuckled.

"Liar! I look like an angel," I replied, scrunching my nose.

"Look, about today," he began, but I raised my finger to silence him.

"Don't apologize and don't ruin this moment for me with your melodramatic crap."

"Damn, and here I was hoping that you had changed."

"You've spent nearly two weeks with me and you still can't tell that I'm still the same, Taylor?"

He chuckled and I gave him a small smile in return. "This is nice," he said quietly.

"You're welcome?" I offered.

We sat in silence for a few minutes before Jamie broke it. "Jamie and Taylor sitting on a cliff," he sang loudly.

"Don't you dare," I warned, which earned me a round of laughter.

"I'm so going to kick your ass O'Connor," I swore quietly.

He leaned in as though he was going to kiss me and my body tensed—then he shoved me, almost making me topple over.

It took me a full minute to recover, and by then he was already on his feet, grinning like the idiot that he was. "What are you, five?" I asked, slightly amused. He extended his hand to me and I smacked it away. "I don't need your help," I huffed.

He laughed and looked out to the lake once more, his expression growing somber. "It feels like everything's changed," he said, his tone sorrowful.

"It's been three years," I replied. "Of course everything's changed."

"Including us?"

I scoffed. "Get over yourself O'Connor. There is no us."

He chuckled, but it wasn't a happy one. "You're sticking to that story then, huh?"

"Till the day I die," I promised.

He stared at me for a very uncomfortably long minute before turning away.

"I didn't notice another car out there," I mused. "How did you get here?"

"I used my legs," he said mockingly. "Apparently they're good for walking and stuff."

"You're an ass," I grumbled.

He shrugged.

"Let's go," I said, tugging on his arm when I heard what sounded like thunder in the distance. "I'll give you a ride home."

"Or I could just spend the night at your place," he suggested.

"Ha! As if!" I laughed, turning to walk back down the path that led to my car.

I heard Jamie's footsteps behind me and I took off running, feeling happier than I had in days.

"To your parent's then?" I asked, turning the car around.

"Yeah," he murmured.

I briefly glanced at him before refocusing my attention on the road.

"I lied before," he said after we'd been driving for about half an hour in silence.

"Go on."

"I didn't really walk all the way to the lake," he started.

Well no shit dummy. I didn't actually believe that. I wanted to say, but let him continue.

"I parked a block away."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't wanna get caught," he replied. "You remember what happened the last time don't you?"

I grimaced and nodded. That was the summer that our mother's had almost managed to annihilate our social lives.

What had started out as a cool midnight swim had ended with a courtesy ride home from the cops and a totally livid, ridiculously overly dramatic mother waiting to escort me to my room, where I'd spent the remainder of my summer locked away with no technology and no friends— at least that what she thought. Unfortunately, Jamie didn't get off as lightly as me. He ended up spending all of his time volunteering at the local hospital so that his dad could keep an eye on him.

"Why'd you lie to me?" I asked.

"We were actually having a conversation and I guess I didn't want it to end just yet," he replied with a small shrug. "I wish things had never changed Taylor—"

"But they did," I said, cutting him off.

I flicked the radio on, and a soft low rock and roll song poured into the car, filling the awkward silence.

My mind was swirling and I couldn't think straight. Jamie confused the hell out of me and constantly managed to piss me off. Somehow the conversation always...always ended up at the front door of our many problems.

I turned the radio down as I turned onto the street that Jamie and I grew up on. I tried to ignore the fact that his house was right next door to the one that I grew up in and I could have easily visited my parents.

"Thanks for the ride," Jamie said with a suppressed yawn.

"And what about your car?" I asked.

"I'll figure something out," he replied, and with that he was out of the car and walking up the driveway.

I nodded although he was already gone and with a glance at the house next door, I drove off.