"In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day."

― F. Scott Fitzgerald.

I jolted awake and clutched at my chest, tears blurring my vision. It was happening again.

I wiped my eyes and slipped out of bed. "Oh Brian," I whimpered, as a fresh wave of pain hit me. I paced my room, trying to get my breathing under control. If I wasn't careful, I'd make myself sick and that would only make things worse.

Before I went to bed that night I'd done what I usually did after a long day: I read our old messages. I read them until I could recite them from memory. At first I laughed... then I cried. And now I was crying because I remembered all of the plans that we had for a future that no longer existed.

I wanted to scream his name into the dark until my throat ran dry. I wanted to scream until every I love you he'd ever said to me, disintegrated into meaningless words, until I forgot his kisses and the way he'd made me feel with just one touch. But instead, I was pacing the room and crying my heart out because after everything, I still wanted him. After all the hurt, I still craved his kisses, and the thought made me want to hurl.

Dabbing at my eyes with the palm of my hands, I crept to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. I wrapped my arms around my body and ventured into the living room. After stumbling a few times, I flipped the switch, bathing the room in light.

I glanced at the clock. 4:30 am. With a sigh, I sank into the couch pulling my knees up for comfort. "Why is my sky always weeping?" I whispered.

Eventually I went back to bed, but instead of sleeping as I'd hoped, I found myself staring at the ceiling as images of my life before Brian kept me company. My life before him was dull but at least I wasn't so fucking sad. I mean, sure, I was blue because I'd just lost Jamie, but it wasn't like this. This sadness was greater than any I'd ever felt and it sucked.

I rolled over and scoffed at my bedside clock that said it was almost 6 am and soon I'd have to start prepping for work. It was the last place that I ever wanted to be.

***

"Good morning, beautiful," Jamie greeted me when I walked through the door.

"It was," I replied without looking at him. I put my bag and sweater away and made my way to the front of the bookstore.

"Oh good, you're here," Millie sighed in relief. "A new order came in last night and they need to be packed away. Those that are here," she explained, pointing to some books to her right. "They need to be put onto the bookshelves and the others, Connie will put into storage."

When I nodded and reached for a stack of books, she raised her brow. "What?"

"Nothing. It's just that you usually give me a hard time but you're just going to do as I say?"

"It must be your lucky day," I mumbled.

All that crying had used up valuable energy that I needed to get through the day, and considering that I was running on only a few hours sleep, I was going to get cranky pretty soon.

I moved past her and began sorting through the books. I was down to the last pile when Connie interrupted me, much to my annoyance. "So, Taylor..." she began.

I sighed.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

"It's about Jamie," she continued.

"What about Jamie?" I asked, already hating the conversation.

"You guys were friends, right?"

"Is this going somewhere?" I asked, getting more annoyed by the second. Jamie O'Connor was not very high on my list of favorite subjects. In fact, he wasn't even on the list.

"Well, I was just wondering..." she said, pausing at the end.

"Just spit it out already!" I snapped. "You're wasting my time."

"Do you think he'd go out with me?" she asked, fidgeting with her watch.

"I'm sorry, but do I look like a fortune teller, Connie?"

"Uh, no but―"

"Then how the hell should I know?" She gasped and I looked away. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, rubbing my eyes. "I didn't mean to yell, I'm just really exhausted and my mood is about as crappy as they come."

"Okay," she said quietly and scampered away.

I groaned and dropped my head into my hands. I was miserable and tired, but I forced myself to suck it up and resume my sorting.

"We need to talk," Jamie said, tapping me on the arm. I ignored him and picked up the last stack of books. He trailed behind me while I put them onto their respective shelves. "Taylor," he said, clearly annoyed.

I put the last book away and sighed loudly—for dramatic effect.

"We need to talk."

"No need to repeat yourself," I muttered, heading towards the lounge. "I ignored you just fine the first time."

"What's your problem?" he asked, blocking my path.

"You're in my way," I said, pushing past him.

He grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him.

I groaned. "Can't you take a hint? I don't want to talk to you."

He released me and took a step back. "Fine, Taylor, but I'm not going anywhere. You'll have to talk to me sooner or later."

"Or not," I said, crossing my arms.

"Can't you just try being nice? You used to be a lot nicer."

I quirked my brow. "What makes you think that you have the right to say that?" He put his hands up and proceeded to walk away. I scoffed at his back. "That's what I thought."

***

I stared at the girl standing beside me as she took yet another book off the shelf. "I just can't decide," she said, holding it out to me. "What do you think about this one?"

"Haven't read it."

"You didn't even look at it," she whined.

I sighed. "We've been at this for almost an hour, can we please wrap it up?"

"That's what I'm trying to do, but you're no help," she grumbled.

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. I was so close to snapping her neck, it wasn't even funny. I took the book from her and she grinned. "Saving Wishes," I read out loud. "Says here, it's about a girl who meets a guy and they fall hopelessly in love, only to break up in the end." I snorted, "Story of my freaking life." I returned the book to her outstretched hand. "Sounds fun."

She rolled her eyes. "It so does not say that." I shrugged and she sighed. "You're no fun."

I gasped. "Not true! I'm tons of fun."

She shook her head and walked over to the checkout counter. She added Saving Wishes to the pile of books already there and crossed her arms. "Just these then?" I asked cautiously as I scanned each one.

She nodded and I couldn't help the small sigh that escaped my lips. She handed over her money, stuck her tongue out at me and flounced away after collecting her books.

"Do come again," I said sweetly.

My smile faded when I saw Katie entering the bookstore. Although I wanted nothing more than to throw a few books at her and yell at her to leave, this was another conversation that was unavoidable.

"Hey," she said softly.

I nodded.

"Can we talk?"

"I don't know, can we?"

She sighed. "Taylor, please."

After a long pause, I caved like the sucker I was. "I'm off in a few minutes. I'll meet you at the cafe."

"Why not right here?"

"Katie, I'll meet you at the cafe." I repeated tersely. She nodded and I glared at her retreating back until the door was closed behind her.

"You're intriguing."

I jumped a little at the voice and then shot my best glare at Jamie who was leaning against the wall. "Has anyone ever told you how good you would look in a body bag?"

"Ouch," he said, clutching his heart. "That was uncalled for."

I rolled my eyes and watched him warily as he pushed off from the wall and sauntered over to me. "Whatever we are now, Taylor, I still remember the way we were," he whispered in my ear.

I stiffened. "I wish you'd stop saying things like that." It was silent for a minute until I slipped out from behind the counter. "Will you please let Millie know that I'm leaving for the day?"

"Sure thing," he murmured as I turned away.

I closed my eyes for a second, trying to shake off the way I was feeling. "Okay," I whispered. "One step at a time, Taylor." My issues with Jamie could be dealt with later...or never. I wasn't picky.

I grabbed my bag and jacket from the lounge and left to join my backstabber of a sister at the cafe.