"Acting like you don't care is not letting go."

—Penelope Douglas

When Jamie and I were kids, we used to spend hours just laying side by side on the grass in my backyard trying to outdo the other with how deep our love was. One of us would say, "you're the peanut to my butter" and the other would blush and reply, "well, you're the sprinkles on my sundae" and there was usually a minute of silent contemplation before it was back to the first person saying, "you're the beat of my heart" and without hesitation the reply would be, "and you're the love of my life".

Another day, I'd be the twinkle in his eye, while he was the spring in my step but no matter what, it was a given that I was the beat of his heart and he was undoubtedly the love of my life.

It was corny as hell, but what else could we say? We loved each other with an innocence that was incomparable to anything else and my heart ached for that time when everything was so much simpler.

Even as a child I'd known that he was going to be a very important part of my life and up until three years ago, he was the most important person in it.

I know that some of you are probably rolling your eyes and saying, Oh, please, not again, but rest assured, there's only one asshole ex that this tragic tale is centered on. And while Jamie and I weren't in love the way that lovers are, he was the love of my life once upon a time and my very best friend.

So, when I say that he was my most important heartbreak, it's really because everyone knows that it hurts twice as much to lose a friend than it does to lose a lover. Especially those friends that manage to find some way to stitch themselves onto you, so that the only way for them to have a clean break from your life, is to take a piece of you with them. And in case you were wondering, yes, Jamie took so much from me that I still haven't recovered completely from the loss of him and I don't think that I ever will.

Millie put a finger to her lips as she glanced between us. "So, I take it that you two know each other?"

"Barely," I said nonchalantly, completely contradicting my earlier reaction to his presence. I dared him to say otherwise.

"It was a lifetime ago," he added. At my frown, he softened his smile. "It's good to see you, Tay."

I nodded because I didn't trust myself to speak. Although I hated to admit it, hot tears lay just beneath the surface waiting for that final jab and I was too afraid to even breathe, because the last thing that I wanted to do was let Jamie O'Connor see me cry. I'd never again let him see me cry.

"Okay, well that takes away the need for an introduction, so Taylor, I guess it's over to you now to give Mr. O'Connor a tour." I almost chuckled at the fact that Millie was so clueless, she couldn't feel the tension in the room that was so thick, a steak knife couldn't even cut it.

"Sure," I gritted out with a tight smile. "Come on, Mr. O'Connor, your tour awaits."

When we were out of Millie's office and out of earshot, I turned to Jamie who was quietly walking beside me. I reached out to grab his hand and on impulse he curved his fingers around mine, taking my hand in his. I yanked it away and narrowed my eyes at him. "Why the hell are you here?"

"I'm here for the opening," he replied, managing to look innocent as he did.

"Oh, cut the crap, O'Connor. Why are you really here? What is it that you want?"

He shrugged. "I don't want anything, Evans, except to get this tour over with so that I can actually get to work."

I inched closer to him, putting my face right up to his. "If you think even for a second that your being here will change anything between us then you've wasted a whole thought because there is no fucking way that I'm ever letting you anywhere near me again."

He put his lips to my ear and whispered, "Well, you're pretty close to me right now, aren't you, sweetheart?"

I stepped back. "Fuck you."

He took a step back and when he looked at me, the hurt that was registered on his face, almost made me feel bad.

"I have no ulterior motive, Tay," he said softly. "I promise you that."

"Your promises are worthless to me," I said with as much anger as I could muster while keeping my voice low. I turned away from him, intending to pass him on to Connie. "Oh, and one more thing," I said glancing back at him. "It's Taylor. Only my friends call me Tay and you're no longer one of them."

I walked away, not bothering to check if he was following me. I needed a chance to regroup and get my nerves under control. Now so wasn't the time for me to be dealing with an extra weight, but he was here and there was no denying that fact. It was enough hurt to break even the strongest person.

I spotted Connie at a bookshelf towards the back of the store and approached her with a smile. "Hey, so remember that new guy?"

She nodded, returning my smile tenfold. "What about him? Have you met him? Is he hot?"

I glanced behind me at Jamie who was keeping a safe distance between us and then back at Connie. "He's all yours, babe."

She mouthed the words, "Oh my God," before I turned away. I didn't look at Jamie as I passed him. I couldn't bring myself to.

Shoving open the door to the lounge, I stormed inside. I put my head in my hands and fell onto the sofa as sobs racked my body. It was too much. It was way too much for one person to carry alone.

"Tay."

"Go away, Jamie," I croaked, wishing that I could teleport back to my bed and not have to deal with any of this today. "Please."

"Look, Tay, I'm not here to cause you any pain and I'm sorry if my presence is making―"

"Oh my God, Jamie, just go." I looked up at him when his feet stayed put. "What? What the fuck do you want from me?"

"Nothing. I just want to know if you're okay."

I scoffed. "Yeah, I'm just peachy, Jamie. Thanks for asking."

"Fine. I'll leave for now, but we need to talk. You know that, right?"

"I don't have anything to say to you, O'Connor."

He sighed. "Well, I have plenty to say to you, Evans."

After putting that out there, he left the room. I wiped my eyes and told myself to get a grip. It wasn't like me to be falling apart at work. My private life was always something that I tried to keep private and this whole love triangle thing was screwing with every aspect of my life and now Jamie freaking O'Connor was back.

I groaned.

"Tay, you have a customer," Connie said, poking her head into the room a few minutes later. If she noticed my puffy eyes and obviously miserable demeanor, she didn't let on and for that I was grateful.

I forced a bright smile that she didn't buy for a second. "Be right out."

***

I kept my distance from Jamie for the rest of the day and by closing time, I was beyond tired of the game. "See you guys later," I called to Connie and Millie as I left.

On the drive home, I thought about how I got where I was. A year ago, my life was damn near perfect and now it felt like I crashed and burned and was still burning. There seemed to be no limit to the amount of shit that I dealt with and honestly, I was just weary. I felt defeated.

I felt even worse when I pulled into my driveway and found myself parked beside my father's Chevy. I sat there for a few minutes, trying to gather my thoughts. There could only be one reason that my parents were here and it wasn't for coffee.

My mother met me at the door and immediately embraced me. I sighed. "Hi, Mom."

She let go of me and held me at an angle to get a better view of the train wreck. "How are you, darling?" she asked, a sad smile tugging at her lips.

"I'm all sunshine and rainbows, mother." I peered over her shoulder and my features softened when I saw my father. "Hi, Dad."

"It wasn't my idea," he said and mouthed the words I'm sorry.

"Honey," my mother scolded him and then redirected her attention to me. "Have a seat."

I did as I was told and dropped my bag beside me on the couch. "What do you want, Mom?"

"That's no way to talk to your mother," she said, feigning hurt, or maybe she actually was hurt but I was too tired to care.

My parents hadn't visited me at home in so long, I couldn't even remember when the last time was, so them being here set off some major red flags and I came to the conclusion that someone was going to be very unhappy before it was time for them to leave.

"We just wanted to check in, sweetheart," she said, smoothing her auburn hair, a tell-tale sign that she was lying.

"Dad," I said, turning to the lesser of two evils. "What's up?" I could always count on the old man to be honest, even if it killed me to hear it.

He cleared his throat and I grimaced. I was not going to like what he had to say. "We think that it's time you forgave your sister."

I couldn't help it and despite my racing heart, I laughed. "You're kidding, right?"

"Taylor," mom said with a sad smile. "It's killing us that this disagreement is tearing our family apart. We just want what's best for everyone."

"Disagreement, Mom?" I chuckled mirthlessly. "You call her being engaged to Brian, a disagreement? No, a disagreement would be me saying that she looks hideous in that mustard dress that she loves so much and her saying that she looks the same way she always does." I shook my head at them. "You call it a disagreement, I call it a betrayal."

"Tayl―"

I put my hands to my lips and signaled for her to save it. "Thanks for taking the time out of your busy lives to check on me," I said while keeping my voice level. "It means a lot to me, really it does, but you've overstayed your welcome."

"We didn't mean to upset you, dear," mom said softly.

I smiled at her and it took everything in me not to burst into tears for the third time that day. "Well, you failed."

No one said anything for a long time. My parents looked at each other and I looked at my hands. I tried to talk myself out of the anger that was rising to the surface because under all that anger lay the real culprit: hurt.

I was hurt that they were on Katie's side once again. Granted, I may have been the bad guy a few times and didn't always deserve to have them stand by me, but this time it was different. This time I was the victim, and still they were lobbying for the person that threatened my sanity.

I loved my parents and I know that in their own way, they loved me, too. They just loved Katie more and fuck it, that stung.

"Taylor," mom said, her voice breaking. "Taylor, look at me."

I deliberately kept staring at my hands. I knew that if I looked at her I'd start crying and that was the last thing that I wanted to do. That would have to wait until I was all alone and being consumed by loneliness.

"I don't know what to say to make this better," she whispered. "I can't take sides."

I looked at her then. "You already have. You always have and it has never been mine."

"That is not true," she defended. "I would never―"

"Okay, mom," I cut her off. "Let's not have this argument. It's been decades and you're still singing that same song. I'm too exhausted to do this and honestly the way that I'm feeling right now, I don't want to see either of you again until you look deep inside yourselves and realize how fucked up your bias when it comes to Katie is."

I got up and opened the door while my folks processed what I'd just said. Ten minutes ago she'd have reprimanded me for my language but my mother was so shocked that she just kept opening her mouth and then shutting it as though she were at a loss for words. My father had his mouth set in a tight line but said nothing.

Finally, mom found her words. "I think we should go," she said quietly, rising from her place beside her husband.

He nodded and together they walked through the door. My father was so upset that he didn't bother stopping until he was at his car, but mommy dearest had to give it one last shot. "We'll call you tomorrow after you've had a chance to think about what you said."

I shook my head at her. "What I said wasn't for me, it was for you and I meant every word." At her frown, I eased the door shut. "Goodbye, Mom."