twenty || your perfect imperfections

tw : anxiety/panic attack

ʚ♡ɞ

"What happened to Beomgyu?"

That's the question Taehyun has been hearing all week, a question that he himself had no exact answer to.

It was a question he honestly wanted to avoid, but he also had the same question running through his mind when he saw the male throughout the week, his appearance becoming more and more... weak.

The first day Taehyun noticed the sudden change was the day after he forced the male to eat with him, noticing the slight dark eye bags that slowly began to form under his eyes, he wanted to ask him about it but the male seemed so tired he brushed it off.

At least he ate lunch with him and Huening Kai.

The second day was a big step from the first, the male came to school with messy hair and clothing like he didn't even care about. The eye bags around his eyes became darker as his bright eyes dulled slightly, he was also more quiet than usual.

Taehyun tried asking, yet he was shut down when Beomgyu just told him he was fine with the most serious voice he had ever heard from him.

On the third day, he became worse. So worse that even Yeonjun and Soobin took concern, asking the male if he was okay, only to have a simple answer of "I'm fine".

It started to concern Taehyun, more than ever. He saw how the shift from Monday to Thursday was drastic, something had changed Beomgyu, and it was purely obvious.

The fourth day...?

everything changed.

It started off with Beomgyu coming to school, more exhausted than usual and even more duller than usual. It was concerning everyone around him, the perfect Choi Beomgyu was losing his light.

The worst thing about it was when Beomgyu had been distancing more and more from his friends, especially from Taehyun. It made the pink head so concerned for him, he wasn't angry, but he was worried.

There had to be a reason, the living sunlight was losing his glow, there had to be a reason.

Every time someone tried talking to Beomgyu, he would simply ignore them or just politely dismiss himself before locking himself inside of a study room.

It was really worrying his friends, especially Taehyun.

They tried contacting him over the phone for the whole week only to find out that his mother had taken his phone, which may play a part in why the male was suddenly distant.

This dragged on until the end of the next week, which meant the end of the exams.

"Beomgyu."

The male slowly looked up from his desk, his eyes were burning — burning to close shut and sleep, but he couldn't sleep one bit until he knows he passed all of his exams.

"Are you done ignoring us?" Soobin crossed his arms, staring at the males messed up state, worried for him. "You need to talk to us."

"I'm fine," The same reply he's been giving them since last week, the two words that Taehyun came to hate the most. "We're... done with exams! At least it's—"

"You can't just avoid the topic, we're really worried Beomgyu," Huening Kai spoke up, a saddened frown grew on his face.

Taehyun saw how the males eyes flashed with panic yet sadness, he knew there was something Beomgyu was hiding from them, something that he was holding back and it was purely ruining him.

"I'm just exhausted," He stated the obvious, most likely talking about mentally and physically wise. "I promise after I'll
continue to—"

"You need to tell us what's going on, ever since last week you've been acting fucking strange and you know it yourself." Yeonjun cut him off, an angry expression on his face but it wasn't because of Beomgyu, it was because he was worried for his best friend. "Stop hiding secrets from us, if you tell us what's wrong we can comfort you."

Beomgyu opened his mouth to say something, yet he closed it right away when nothing but a croak came out. Taehyun could tell something was ruining the male, he wanted to help him he really did but how could he help him if he would just avoid all of the reassurance and help that his own friends wanted to give him?

"I'm sorry," Beomgyu said softly, so soft it was almost like a whisper. "I'll do better."

"Beom—"

The male got up from his seat and walked away from his friends, immediately rushing out of the classroom to who knows where, leaving the four of them behind, none dare to follow him since they knew he needed space.

"So is anyone going to fucking figure out what the hell is wrong with him?" Taehyun scoffed loudly, crossing his arms as he practically glared at Soobin and Yeonjun. "Don't you know anything, Yeonjun? You've been his friend the longest."

"Don't you know anything?" Yeonjun retorted, crossing his arms angrily. "You're his boyfriend, man up and do something dude!"

"I've done the best I could, I tried my best yet hes shut down every attempt." Taehyun grumbled, remembering how everytime he tried to comfort Beomgyu the male would run away or if he tried to get him to snack on something he would leave it untouched until Taehyun took it back.

"Let's calm down," Soobin sighed softly, an agreeing nod from Huening Kai was enough for him since he was too scared to speak up. "I have one idea, the exams. You guys remember how much of a perfectionist Beom is right?"

"He'd do absolutely anything to please his mother, keep up his world where he thinks everything and everyone is perfect." Yeonjun grumbled lowly, an angry expression formed on his face when he thought about the ravenette's horrible mother.

That's when something in Taehyun's head started to click, pieces starting to form together.

"His behavior has to do something with his mother," Taehyun breathed out, realizing how fucking oblivious he's been. "I remember last week he said he needed to study to not disappoint his mother, something must've happened for him to be like this because of her."

"For a fucker that's really annoying," Yeonjun snickered, earning a slap from Soobin, causing him to groan loudly. "Whatever, you're smart, I guess."

"If it's because of his mother, shouldn't we do something...? Maybe she just got upset with him hanging out a lot...?" Huening Kai suggested, even though he has no idea how far the depths of Beomgyu's mothers anger goes.

"That won't do," Yeonjun sighed softly, knowing damn well that if they tried to help Beomgyu his mother would be even more infuriated. "His mother is stubborn, views life differently than others, she needs Beomgyu to be perfect."

"Nobody is perfect."

"To her, having a son that excelled at school, top of his class, beautiful and healthy? That's perfect for her, it represents her dream life." Yeonjun said, he wasn't exactly sure if it was true but after years of examining Beomgyu and his relationship with his mother he could conclude that there was hidden desire behind his mothers intentions.

It made sense to Taehyun, he remembers back when they all went to the arcade together Beomgyu had mentioned something about his mother not allowing him to go out at all, at first he was weirded out but found it normal for the male.

Is it because of his mother...? Taehyun had second thoughts. If it is, then what must've happened to make him end up like this? He's draining himself.

"Let's not worry on it," Soobin tried to recommend even though everyone was damn worrying and Yeonjun was near about to rip someone's throat out. "Exam results come out tomorrow, hopefully then he'll return to normal, he most likely became this way because of the stress of exams."

"You're one to talk, you goddamn slacker." Yeonjun muttered under his breath as he looked away from Soobin.

Taehyun didn't want to worry about it, normally he wouldn't care at all, but this was Beomgyu the one person who he genuinely cares about who wasn't Huening Kai. He wanted to dive deeper into the hidden secrets that the male kept about himself, from the start he knew there wasn't all perfection and glory that he showcased, he knew there was something more.

But for now... he guesses he could wait it out until tomorrow.

as long as his beomgyu gets better.

ʚ♡ɞ

Beomgyu's ears were ringing, he felt anxious and tired, so badly wanting to just close his eyes and finally get a good nights rest.

But he couldn't.

In just a few minutes, he's going to see if his future will really be bright, he had been studying every single day until 5 am to make sure that he passes all of his exams, he was tired of the constant nagging from his mother.

"Hey," He heard Taehyun call out for him, causing him to slowly look over at the male who held out a box full of cream puffs for him. "You done ignoring us?"

Beomgyu hesitantly took the treat, he was self aware that he had been distancing from his friends for the past days but what could he do? The exams that were tormenting him made him so so stressed.

"I'm sorry—"

"I'm getting really sick of hearing you say 'i'm sorry' Beomgyu." Taehyun grumbled lowly, but there wasn't any anger or irritation in his tone, just concern.

"I..." I haven't talked to him properly all week, he must hate me because of that. "I'm just so stressed because of exams."

"You shouldn't be, you're smart." Taehyun scoffed, stealing one cream puff from the box and taking a bite out of it. "You don't have anything to worry about, you passed all of them."

I have to worry, what if my studying wasn't enough? I feel so tired, like i'm numb and have no energy for anything, even talking feels so exhausting right now.

"Kang Taehyun," Mr. Son walked towards them, handing the male his results. "Great job, just make sure to review things for English and you're off to a way better start."

Beomgyu took a glance at Taehyun's results, it was no surprise knowing that the male next to him excelled at his classes, all of his exams were perfect 90%-95%'s except for English being a 78%.

"Thanks, Mr. Son," Taehyun mumbled softly, satisfied with what he had gotten.

Beomgyu wished that he could be satisfied with what he's got.

"Beomgyu, here you go," Mr. Son handed him his papers, the male automatically looking through them to see 99%-100%'s on almost of them. "Now, English wasn't your very best but..."

All of a sudden, it was like the voices that surrounded him became muffled, the people around him became a blur as his only focus was fixated on the big red numbers on the paper that were stinging his heart so badly.

50%....?

Beomgyu stared at the paper in shock, he couldn't even hear what Mr. Son was saying anymore, he couldn't feel the soft taps on his arm from Taehyun, everything felt numb.

This had to be wrong.

He couldn't had gotten a 50%.

This had to be wrong, he studied. He studied!

"Beomgyu!"

He wanted to rip his eyes away from the paper, look over at Taehyun and be reassured that everything was fake — a lie, he didn't want to believe that after all of his hard fucking word he had nearly failed his English exam.

"Beomgyu," Taehyun called out for the male who was hyperventilating without even realizing. He reached out to tap the male one more time until Beomgyu shot up from his seat, causing everyone to look at him. "Hey— hey it's okay it's not—"

He cant breathe.

He can't breathe.

He's trying so hard to process his surrounds but everything was like a slow motion blur that made him so nauseous, way too nauseous, he needed to get out.

He needs to get out.

The male tried walking out of the classroom, but every step he took felt heavier and heavier, like there were invisible chains wrapping around his ankles slowly, bounding him to the ground and preventing him to move.

Air.

He needed air.

Somewhere secluded.

Everything is dizzy, why does he feel so nauseous?

He can hear voice yet the words that came out of their mouths sounded like complete ringing, he doesn't know what they're saying, only seeing the nauseous movement of their lips.

he needs to get out.

Beomgyu practically ran out of the classroom the moment he felt light, ignoring the calls of his name behind him he ran down the hallway that felt like it was beginning to stretch out.

I cant breathe.

Everything is dizzy.

The walls felt like they were stretching, with every step he took it felt like the walls were becoming longer and longer with no end in sight, it made Beomgyu want to collapse to the ground and burst out in tears.

I need to get out.

she's going to be angry.

it's my fault

i should've studied better

i'm a mistake

i'm horrible

"Beomgyu!"

The male turned around and saw a blurry shade of pink running towards him, he knew who it was but it was blurry, everything was blurry.

Taehyun... He wanted to breath out, let go of the heavy anxious feeling bubbling up in his stomach that was ready to explode, he wanted to call out to the male and tell him he was fine.

He's so selfish.

He needs to get away.

This is his own fault, he has to deal with it, he can't let anyone else deal with it.

"Beomgyu, I need you to breathe."

The moment Taehyun came close, it was like his chaotic world slowly began to return back to normal, he still felt like the hallway was spinning and his legs were practically weak like jello, if it weren't for Taehyun holding onto his shoulders so tightly he was certain he would collapse on the spot.

Shut up

"I...I can't do this—" selfish. idiot. worthless. "Let me go! Let me go, please—"

"You need to breathe, listen to me, inhale and exhale for five seconds each—"

Beomgyu immediately pulled himself out of the males grip, he felt to overwhelmed, he cant be by anyone right now, he felt so dizzy and afraid — it's all his fault his fault his fault his fault.

Taehyun stared at him in shock, mentally wise... Beomgyu wasn't there at all. It was like a whole new person was in front of him right now, someone who was weak, scared, and terrified of everything and anyone around him.

The males eyes were bloodshot widened, tears threatening to fall down as his chest heaved up and down in such a rapid movement it definitely wasn't okay.

The moment Beomgyu became silent after seeing his score on his exam, he had a hint on what was about to happen, but he didn't expect his sudden outburst to be this bad where the male looked way out of his head.

"I can't breathe," Beomgyu wheezed out, his body shaking as he thought about how disappointed his mother would be. "She's going to hate me! I'm a mistake— how did I mess up, how did I fail?!"

Weakness, fear, panic, all of those were mixed into Beomgyu's panicked state and his tone. It made Taehyun's heart clench tightly by how much it hurt him, he needed to get the male to an open space before he collapse.

"Beomgyu," Taehyun called out to him gently, slowly extending his hand out as the male immediately backed away. "I'll take you somewhere safe, just trust me okay?"

"I can't no no no no—" Beomgyu shook his head rapidly, holding his head as he squeezed his eyes shut, his tone becoming more and more weak it was like he was about to sob right there and then. "She's going to be there, she's going to know I failed her! I'm supposed to be perfect— I'm a mistake!"

"You're not a mistake," Taehyun held the males arm tightly, forcing him to look directly into his eyes. He knows he shouldn't be doing this in the middle of the hallway, he needed to get Beomgyu outside before he becomes more overwhelmed. "Trust me when I say you're no where near close to a disappointment or a mistake, now.. do you trust me?"

Beomgyu stared at the male, his head pounding with a gruesome headache, all he wanted to do was run away somewhere secluded, he needed to escape.

"Beomgyu," He heard Taehyun call out for him, slowly making him snap back into reality. "I said, do you trust me?"

I'm a mistake.

Imperfect.

Horrible.

A disgrace.

but taehyun is here...

"I..." Beomgyu croaked out, hearing the bell ring to signal that the second break was starting soon. "I..."

I'm worthless.

I'm not worthy of anyone.

I'm a mistake, my mother is going to be so disappointed.

She's going to hurt me.

but taehyun is here.

"I trust you."

ʚ♡ɞ

It was silent between the two of them.

Just in time, Taehyun had managed to bring the male outside to the most secluded area in the whole school, an area most students don't usually go to.

"I know it's not much," Taehyun gently sat the male down underneath the cherry blossom tree. "But it's an area where it's quiet, is this okay?"

Beomgyu just silently nodded, his eyes still full of dread and disappointment, but at least he wasn't hyperventilating anymore.

Just an annoying migraine that was forming.

Taehyun slowly sat next to the male, not saying anything on purposely to give Beomgyu the chance to breath, to talk if he wanted to.

The pink head looked down at the males hands that were placed on his lap, both shaking with anxiety heavily which made him frown.

"Beomgyu," He softly called out, grabbing onto his hands to prevent his shaking, intertwining them with his. "Do you want to talk about it."

I'll be a burden if I do, you don't deserve to hear why I'm upset, it's pointless.

Beomgyu clenched his jaw tightly, looking away from the male as he shook his hand out of Taehyun's grip. It was obvious he really didn't want to talk about it at all.

An uncomfortable feeling began to swarm in Taehyun's stomach, it wasn't the first time he had to deal with someone who seemed so closed off with their issues, but when he saw how devastated and weak Beomgyu looked... it made him feel like someone was tugging at his heart with a chainsaw.

"You don't have to talk to me about it now," Taehyun said as he checked the time, a good hour before they would have to head back to class. "But it's actually really good to talk to others about what's bothering you."

"I don't want to be a burden..." Beomgyu mumbled under his breath, his voice cracking slightly as he tried his best to remain strong.

Even though he was one thin thread away from snapping.

"What?" Taehyun tilted his head. "Who said you were a burden? Since when was it a thing that sharing feelings is being a burden?"

"Everyone has their own issues," selfish. immature. mistake. idiot. "I don't want to add onto that with my own—"

Taehyun grabbed onto the males shoulders and turned him around right before he could finish that sentence, automatically making Beomgyu shut up.

"Choi Beomgyu," Taehyun breathed out, the hint of anger was laced in his tone. "You need to get your head out of your ass and listen to me."

"No Taehyun please—"

"I came to you." He strained the last word. "I came to see you, I came to listen to you. Did you think that I was sent after you by Mr. Son?—"

" — stop-"

" — Fuck no! Listen to me!" Taehyun grabbed the male harder. "I came here by choice, the moment you ran out of the classroom goddamnit Beomgyu I immediately ran after you! The others tried to as well but they were stopped by Mr. Son—"

" — taehyun please.—"

"No Beomgyu! You're not listening to me!" Taehyun raised his voice, showing how serious he was. "Your feelings, you shouldn't bottle them up, you need to understand that. Yes, people have their own problems but that doesn't stop most from listening to others, comforting them, you shouldn't feel this way because you think you're a burden because you're no where near that—"

"— Ill be selfish!—"

"Then be selfish Beomgyu!" Taehyun frowned. "You're selfish because you're bottling up your emotions, suffering in a silence that's going to eventually ruin you, trust me when I say it's so much more easier and so much more better to talk about everything, do you understand me?"

Beomgyu stayed silent, not knowing what to say.

"Beomgyu, I said, do. you. understand. me?"

The ravenette felt his eyes begin to tear up, he knew Taehyun didn't mean no harm but he couldn't help but feel so fucking worthless and so weak. He was selfish, he was mistake, just like his mother said.

"I...I understand."

"Then tell me what's wrong," Taehyun pulled the male into a tight hug, causing Beomgyu's eyes to widen. "You know it hurts others that you're suffering, especially me."

Beomgyu couldn't help but feel his stomach twist in a painful way, his throat began to clench tightly like all of the words he wanted to say was restricted, that familiar feeling of not being able to breath began to build up.

I'm a mistake

"You know you can trust me."

I'm worthless.

"Whatever is bothering you, tell me, I want to help you."

I don't deserve your care, I don't deserve anyone's care.

"Help me understand you better, so that I can understand how to help you."

Selfish. selfish. selfish.

"I care about you so much, Beomgyu."

The last thread that Beomgyu was holding onto, the thin thin thread that connected him to his consciousness, finally snapped. Sending the male into a full sobbing state as he gripped Taehyun tightly.

"I'm sorry! I'm so so sorry!" Beomgyu sobbed loudly, tears began running down his face at such a fast pace his eyes began to hurt. "I'm so scared, I'm so scared!"

"B-Beom—" Taehyun was taken aback, immediately wrapping his arm around Beomgyu's waist as the male was just sobbing his brain out. "Hey breathe you—"

"I didn't want to ignore you, I didn't want to ignore anyone —" Beomgyu confessed, out of breath. "I was just so scared that if I failed my exams my mother would hate me! I need to be perfect— or she won't want me anymore!"

"What? What do you—"

"She told me that if I don't continue studying, staying on top, getting the best of the best grades then she'll hate me—" Beomgyu sobbed louder, his nails practically digging into Taehyun's back. "I cant let her hate me, I can't disappoint her, not when I've gotten this far! I have to be perfect!"

"No you don't—"

"I studied so hard, I stayed up all night — pulled all nighters! Only for my efforts to fail! I'm ruined, Taehyun! She's going to hate me — Im not perfect, I-I need to be perfect or else—"

"BEOMGYU—" Taehyun said loudly, grabbing onto the males face as he looked at the distressed state he was in. "Listen to me."

Beomgyu couldn't breath, full fat tears ran down his cheeks as snot began to dribble out of his nose, a flush of red began to spread over his face to show the lack of breathing.

"You are not a mistake, you are never a disappointment. So what you failed an exam? It's okay, you know 50% or higher is still enough to pass the subject, it's normal to fail and it's normal to succeed. Failure is more common in our lives because it's how we learn and grow, if we ever experience it how do we learn to grow into who we are today?"

"I-I don't get it—"

"You don't need perfect grades to be perfect, you don't need to be top of the class to be perfect, you do not need your mothers nagging to make you perfect." Taehyun spoke sternly, his thumbs wiping away the males tears.

"Perfection isn't what others think, perfection is what you think. You don't need your mother telling you what to do for you to be preserved as perfect, what you think and you know what's good for yourself is your way of knowing your perfect."

"Nobody is perfect, there isn't going to be one damn chance you're perfect for everyone, Beomgyu. All of your imperfections, is just perfect. It makes you, you."

Beomgyu stared at the male with full blown eyes, every single word that he said sticking to him like glue. It really did make Beomgyu start to rethink everything, every single thing his whole life has been about.

Perfection.

"I can still be perfect... even if I fail this one exam...?" Beomgyu asked softly, slowly starting to realize what he meant.

"Even if you fail a hundred exams, you're still perfect in your own way. You don't need your mom or anyone telling you that you need to be passing everything to be smart, you're already smart."

Beomgyu nodded his head, calming down slightly as he melted into Taehyun's touch, allowing the pink head to hug him once again.

"I'm sorry," Beomgyu mumbled softly. "I'm sorry for ignoring you and the others, I just... I just needed to make my mom proud."

"It's okay," Taehyun spoke softly, patting the males back. "I understand, we understand, It's not your fault at all."

"Sometimes... we don't always live up to our parents expectations, but that's okay," Taehyun started off softly, running his fingers through Beomgyu's hair which eased him down. "They've done a lot for us, forever grateful for that, but then again who are we to say this is our life if it's controlled by someone else? Be happy, have fun, don't just force yourself to study because your mother told you. That's how you get burned out."

Burned out...? Beomgyu thought, it made sense. He's been more tired, less energetic, and more stressed on everything ever since he forced himself to study for hours on end. Maybe he became so burned out by the time the last exam, which was the english one, came by he felt absolutely tired and exhausted, just wanting to finish it instead of focusing on it.

"You've done a lot Beomgyu, I'm proud of you."

I'm proud of you.

Beomgyu's eyes widened with tears before he started sobbing once again hearing those four words that he's barely heard from his mother. It felt so different coming from Taehyun that it immediately made him burst out in tears again.

"Hey— Hey! Why are you crying again?? Did I say something wrong?—"

"Th-Thank you, Ta-Taehyun!" Beomgyu choked on his words, tears falling down his face as he hugged the male tightly.

"...You're welcome, Beomgyu," He nodded softly. "I told you that you can come to me about anything, trust me. You're not selfish if you're suffering, don't let yourself suffer in silence."

Beomgyu thought about it, he had always kept his silence about his feelings. Whenever someone would make him mad or sad he would just disregard it and force a smile on his face, telling them that it was okay and gave them a second chance.

"Taehyun," Beomgyu glanced up at the male, causing both of them to make eye contact.

"Yeah?" Taehyun asked softly, his heart slowly starting to pace up as butterflies began to swirl in his stomach. "What's wrong?"

"I appreciate you so much, Tyun."

In just that moment, it was like the once icy wall that Taehyun built up melted away, releasing a waterfall of emotions onto him as he stared at Beomgyu who looked pretty. Pretty in the sunlight and with the cherry blossom flowers falling down on him.

That's when Taehyun knew.

"I..." He croaked out, his heart bursting with emotions, one he was way too familiar with. "I appreciate you too Beomgyu."

That his once fake feelings for Beomgyu

...started to not feel fake anymore.

ʚ♡ɞ