nineteen || distractions leads to failure

ʚ♡ɞ

SLAM!

"Your grades are slipping! What the hell are you doing lately?! Why aren't you studying?!"

"I-I am, mother it's just i've been so distracted by friends—"

Beomgyu's mother threw a water bottle at the male, nearly hitting his head in the process if he hadn't ducked down in time. "Mother, please I—"

"I will not have a disgrace in my house thinking that he can do whatever he want with his life!" His mother screamed at him, she was stuck in a blind rage, barely processing what was right or wrong and it made Beomgyu want to break down.

"I swear I'll do better, I promise!"

"You better do better or you're no son of mine! I should've never given birth to a disgrace like you!"

———

"Beomgyu? Are you okay?"

The male snapped out of his daydream, glancing up from his desk and made eye contact with Yeonjun who stared at him with worry.

It made Beomgyu feel so sick, he didn't want to tell him and dump all of his worries onto his best friend.

"I'm fine," Beomgyu smiled brightly, standing up from his desk since the male wanted to go to the snack bar. "How about you? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Yeonjun replied the same, both of them walking out of the classroom before Yeonjun sighed in discomfort. "Actually, I'm not, I feel awkward."

"Awkward?" Beomgyu repeated in curiosity, it was rare that Yeonjun would feel awkward about anything, he was pure confidence. "You never feel awkward, what's bothering you?"

"Soobin." Yeonjun replied flatly, causing Beomgyu's eyes to widen.

He would've never thought that Yeonjun would feel awkward around the one person he legitimately has feelings for, ever since he found out the two of them have been hanging out together occasionally he thought that everything would be okay between them.

"Do you... wanna tell me why?" Beomgyu asked softly, gently patting his best friends back to reassure him that he was there for him.

"I feel like I'm his rebound," Yeonjun spoke truthfully. Unlike Beomgyu who sugarcoats everything and holds back his own emotions, Yeonjun was the type to say how he felt straight up and even be blunt about everything. "Ever since you rejected him, he's been hanging around me a lot."

"Isn't that... good?"

"Beomgyu, you obviously didn't catch the 'ever since you rejected him' part," Yeonjun sighed softly, causing Beomgyu to fall silent as the elder continued to talk. "It's weird, one day we're barely even together and now the next day he's always around me twenty four seven. It's pissing me off."

"But isn't that what you wanted?" Beomgyu paused his movements, grateful that the hallway was empty yet nervous on what Yeonjun was about to say. "Didn't you want him to—"

"Beomgyu, when have I ever fucking said I wanted Soobin to reciprocate my feelings?" Yeonjun suddenly snapped, causing the ravenette to flinch slightly. "I feel like i'm a rebound, even if he does develop feelings for me, I'm going to feel like pure shit."

Beomgyu stayed silent, not knowing how to respond to that. For the past month and a half he had been trying to get Yeonjun and Soobin together for his best friends sake, he wanted him to be happy! But suddenly hearing the opposite of what he thought he wanted really made him anxious.

If Yeonjun and Soobin don't get together, it'll ruin everything! He tried so hard to make his best friend happy he can't let this moment slip away —

"Soobin's emotions aren't yours to control, he can fall in love with whoever he wants and have his heart broken by whoever, I don't think you're a rebound hyung... remember, I never liked him in the first place, so perhaps you're his first chance at him loving someone properly." Beomgyu suddenly spoke up, unaware that what he was doing was completely wrong.

He knew Yeonjun was good for Soobin and that Soobin was good for Yeonjun. There were never any moments where Beomgyu had doubted that and even after learning that his best friend liked the male longer than him he would do anything — and he meant anything. to get that happy ending for him.

Yeonjun stared at Beomgyu with guilt in his eyes, the male shook his head and sighed anxiously.

"No matter how many times I apologize and you accept it, I still can't fight off the guilt that fills my head." Yeonjun sighed, sitting down on a near by bench that popped up out of no where. "I just... every day for the past three years, all i've heard about was you and Soobin being the perfect couple, fit for each other."

"But now that I know those were all delusions made by lonely people, I can't help but wonder if people would hate me if Soobin were to admit he truly has feelings for me and not you." Yeonjun began to crumble down, causing Beomgyu to stare at him with the saddest gaze.

It was rare when Yeonjun would break down like this, his cold rude exterior hiding away and showcasing his weak and insecure interior, one that Yeonjun swore to never show.

"Yeonjun hyung, you shouldn't let what other people think affect the way you like someone," hypocrite. "If Soobin is showing signs that he's developing feelings for you, then that's great! Even if he got rejected by me doesn't mean that you're a rebound, it means he's healing and found new love that he's worthy of."

Beomgyu started to feel guilty himself, he's been dragging on a lie for months now and even pushed aside his own feelings just so his best friend could be happy, but it was the right thing! If Yeonjun finally got together with the person he's liked for years then that makes Beomgyu happy, plus, he's losing feelings for... soobin...?

"When did you realize that you... liked Taehyun...?" Yeonjun suddenly asked, causing the male to widen his eyes.

It was an unexpected question that nobody dared to ask him or Taehyun when the two of them started dating, but he should've known after a few months that his best friend would still be suspicious of everything that's happened, especially now since Soobin has been giving signs that he's developing feelings for Yeonjun.

"I..." This is complicated since I never really had feelings for Taehyun in the first place. "Most people would think that he's a cold and rude person, someone you should never approach at all unless you want to be hurt, but he's so much more than that. Beyond that cold exterior lies a calm and comforting person, someone who cares for his family and friends. It took me a while to realize that he's not all cold, but he's someone who deeply cares for those around him."

"His hidden sweetness made my heart melt, that's when I realized I fell for him." Beomgyu smiled gently without knowing, thinking about the caring gestures that Taehyun had shown him, it made his heart flutter.

Yeonjun snickered softly which was enough to cause Beomgyu to snap out of his daze. "I never seen you so... in love... with someone before, I'm glad he's making you happy, even if he's slightly annoying."

"You think everyone's slightly annoying, Jun hyung," Beomgyu nudged his arm, smiling warmly even though he completely lied about his feelings directly to his face.

He really did admire Taehyun, he's starting to see a side of him that not most can see because they judge him too early, but there were never any romantic feelings he felt for him, only some weird uncomfortable ones that he couldn't point out.

It's okay to lie, Beomgyu strained a smile as Yeonjun began to talk about something else which made him grateful. This is for Yeonjun and Soobin, their happiness matters so it's okay!

Memories of Yeonjun telling him not to lie to him about his feelings started flashing through his brain, causing him to suddenly feel anxious, which was starting to get to him.

It's okay... He tried to reassure himself, knowing that nothing will be ruined.

As long as Yeonjun or Soobin never find out, it's fine.

ʚ♡ɞ

"Beomgyu! Do you want to get lunch with us?"

The male looked up and saw Huening Kai and Taehyun standing in front of him, causing his heart to suddenly burst. This would be the first time they would have lunch together.

"I..." He looked down at the stacks of papers on his desk, his study materials. "I'm sorry, I have to study—"

"Who says you have to study?" Taehyun interrupted, staring at him with a raised eyebrow as his arms were crossed. "You haven't ate anything all day, you need lunch."

"You don't know that!—"

"The past two breaks you've done nothing but sit in your damn seat and study your stupid ass off—" Taehyun grumbled angrily, his mouth immediately being covered by Huening Kai's who looked panicked.

"In a more nicer way—" Huening Kai forced a laugh to get rid of the upcoming awkwardness. "He wants you to eat!"

Beomgyu stared down at his papers, memories of his mothers anger flashed through his head which immediately made him terrified.

"I'm sorry," He breathed out as he gripped his pencil in his hand harder, ignoring the pain in his stomach. "I'd prefer to just study and not be distracted."

He could feel the glare that Taehyun was giving him, but what could he do? He didn't want to disappoint his mother, he's worked too hard to make sure that his perfect life stayed on track and he can't afford anything that'll distract him, even if it meant missing his break times and lunch times.

Beomgyu stared down at the blank paper on his desk, hearing a defeated sigh come from Taehyun he listened closely as the two walked away, most likely given up on convincing him to go eat.

With a grateful sigh, he sat up straight and began to work on his problems again, theres now no issue with him finishing up as fast as he could without any distract—

"Why are you avoiding eating?"

"AAH!" Beomgyu screamed loudly, immediately dropping his pencil onto his desk as he flinched back, forcing himself onto the window next to him as he looked over at Taehyun who stared at him with literal death in his eyes. "Ta—"

"Why aren't you eating? Don't tell me it's because of this." Taehyun pouted angrily, pointing at the sheets of paper as if they were the ugliest things on earth.

I don't want to place my burden on anyone, especially Taehyun.

"I'm just not hung—"

"Bullshit," Taehyun spat out, it was unexpected, Beomgyu would never see the male this upset and it started to make him feel so worried that he did something wrong. "You're coming with me."

"What about Huening Kai?" Beomgyu asked worriedly, not wanting the male to be alone.

"He's eating with Yeonjun and Soobin, we're getting lunch whether you like it or not then after you'll stop drowning yourself in papers so useless."

"It's not useless!" Beomgyu immediately defended himself before being dragged out of his seat and out of the classroom. "I'm trying to make my mom proud, with exams around the corner I can't disappoint her!"

A weird expression formed on Taehyun's face when the male said that, slowing down his pace he looked over properly at Beomgyu.

"Why would your mother be disappointed in you...?" He asked him, causing a cold wave of fear to wash through Beomgyu's body.

He didn't want to tell him, he didn't want to tell anyone. Everyone has their own problems in life, he would be selfish to just dump all of his problems on others when they might be suffering through something worse, but when he saw the concerned expression on Taehyun's face it made him even more nauseous than he was before.

It's selfish.

He was being selfish.

He cant tell anyone about his issues, he knows he can't or he'll be considered selfish, insensitive. He needs to keep them to himself, he can't tell anyone—

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Taehyun suddenly spoke up, a calm comforting voice sending the negative cloud that surrounded Beomgyu's brain away. "I told you this before, I'll remind you of it now. If there's something bothering you, then tell me, okay?"

"I..." Beomgyu croaked out, he wanted to tell Taehyun, he trusted him. Yet why couldn't he find the right words to say anything? "I'm just..." stressed. "Not hungry!"

Taehyun gave the male a doubting look, he didn't believe him at all but Beomgyu was okay with that. He barely knew what troubles Taehyun was going through his life, he didn't want to add more to that. Even when being reassured multiple times he could talk to him about stuff, he could never ever find the right words to say it, as if he were restricted by invisible chains and a horrible voice in the back of his head telling him that he was selfish.

"Okay," Taehyun sighed softly, his hand leaving Beomgyu's wrist which made the male feel suddenly lonely. "You don't have to eat a full meal, but at least a small snack, please? I'm worried."

I made him worry. Beomgyu's eyes widened as panic flashed through his eyes. Am I changing so much I'm being selfish? What's happening to me? I used to be perfect, perfectly selfless, I need to distance myself so I can work on—

Before the male could panic even further, he felt a warm hand intertwine with his own, causing him to finally snap back into reality — making him realize that he was walking down the hallway with Taehyun who held onto his hand tightly, as if he wasn't planning on letting go anytime soon.

"Whatever is bothering you now, you don't have to tell me." Taehyun spoke up loud enough for Beomgyu to hear. "But I do want you to tell me eventually, Beomgyu, don't suffer in silence."

"Suffering in silence is the worst way to suffer, so trust me when I say you can talk to me about anything, okay?"

Beomgyu saw the warmth in his eyes, his sincerity and his honesty. A side that he rarely gets to see in Taehyun, when he had first met the male he had honestly assumed he was all cold and didn't care about others until he realized that people misunderstand him. They don't take the chance to know him, beyond that cold exterior is someone who genuinely cares about the people he's friends with.

It made him respect and admire him so much.

It comforted him knowing that Taehyun wasn't pushing him to say what he felt, it honestly felt like a breath of fresh air.

"Thank you, Taehyun." For now, I'll forget about what my mother tells me to do, I'll do everything later. "I really do appreciate it."

"Yeah, whatever, no problem." Taehyun shrugged his shoulders, acting like what he said didn't just change Beomgyu's life. "Just eat, I don't want to hear you complaining about anything later okay?"

Beomgyu smiled softly towards the male, his heart warming up and his stomach began to fuzz in a strange way slightly, even though he was comfortable in the presence of Taehyun, he couldn't help but feel that nauseating anxious feeling deep down.

He knew something would go wrong.

ʚ♡ɞ

Beomgyu was right, something went wrong.

Horribly wrong.

When he had gotten home, he greeted his mother per usual, receiving a kiss on the cheek as he went up to his room to prepare for studying.

Instead of studying, he had gotten distracted when Taehyun had called him to discuss something that he needed help on and that he wanted to check in on the male, which he didn't mind.

However, it wasted nearly four hours of his study time and he didn't even realize it.

So after that, wishing Taehyun a goodnight, he went to the bathroom to take a shower... but when he came back?

a disaster.

"YOU MISERABLE BEING OF A SON!—" His mother screamed loudly, ripping her hair out as she threw Beomgyu's neatly stacked papers off of his desk and onto the ground scattering it everywhere. "I told you to STUDY! You ignore my words and call your friend?! Are you trying to disrespect me?! Ruin your perfect life?!"

"N-No..." Beomgyu weakly replied, standing there frozen as his eyes were widened seeing his mother rampage around his room in a fearful rage. "I-I lost track of time i-i'm—"

"Lost track of time?" His mother repeated, but her tone was like she was in disbelief. "You lost track of time? That's bullshit Beomgyu and you know it!"

"I swear, mother I—" The male suddenly yelped loudly when his mother had slammed his backpack to the ground staring at her son as if he was the ugliest creature on earth. "I'm sorry- I'm sorry. I'll do better please i'm sorry-"

"You damn better be sorry," His mother hissed, walking over to him and snatched his phone harshly out of his hands. "No more distractions, your grades needs to be perfect. YOU need to be perfect. Do you understand me?"

Beomgyu glanced at his phone in horror, seeing messages from his friends he didn't even get to answer yet flash up on his screen. It started to make him panic, what if his mother found out about Taehyun? Would she blame him? He cant let that happen, he needed to make sure she knows that he was in the fault and that none of his friends were responsible for his lack of time.

"I-I understand, just please... It's my fault, none of my friends," Beomgyu breathed out anxiously, he felt like crying but he couldn't. His mother would end up even more mad than she was right now, crying is a sign of weakness. A weakness rhat would ruin his perfection. "I'm sorry, I'll do better!"

Beomgyu felt like a fool, like a weak mistake. He knew he should've just kept studying, ignoring everyone who tried distracting him, he needed to make his mother proud he couldn't let her down not after everything she's done for him.

He needed to be perfect.

Perfect.

He needs to be perfect...?

"You better do better, I'm taking away this distraction —" She held up his phone. " — away from you, not until you prove to me that you're perfect okay?"

"Y-Yes mother..." He felt restricted, anxious, and confused. Not only that he was scared of his only communication to his friends outside of school being cut, but he was scared that something will happen to Taehyun and he won't be there for him. "I'll prove to you, that i'm perfect."

"Good," Her eyes softened, pulling Beomgyu into a tight hug as she kissed his forehead. "You know I'm doing this for you, you'll get no where in life if you slack off like this, okay?"

Beomgyu slowly returned the hug, squeezing onto his mother as he nodded, wanting to say words but he just couldn't. he felt scared.

The anxiety he felt never faded away, not one bit, but in the back of his brain he knew he needed to be around one person to reassure that everything was okay.

I need Taehyun.

Beomgyu pulled away from the hug and glanced at his mother who walked away from him, getting one last look at his phone before he was cut off with the sound of the door closing.

Within just a few seconds of being alone, he felt his legs collapse as he fell onto the floor. He felt anxious, scared, nauseated, confused... he doesn't know what to do.

The room felt like it was spinning in slow motion yet so fast Beomgyu couldn't process anything, all of the words that he tried to form in his head were jumbled up as his vision was blurred as a blaring anxious pain pounded through his head.

It was getting to him, he was a mistake.

Grabbing his hair, Beomgyu squeezed his eyes tightly as he tried to breath, but every breath came out was a breath that was close to sounding like a sob.

He wanted to cry, but he couldn't cry. Why cant he cry? He felt the tears, yet no tears fell down his face, just the painful painful feeling of that terrifying liquid stinging his eyes.

He cant breath.

He needs someone.

He needs anyone.

Beomgyu wanted to call for help, scream at the top of his lungs to get out all of his anger, but he doesn't want to.

He doesn't want to bother anyone, his issues are his own issues — he can't dump it on everyone he's selfish, a mistake, someone who doesn't deserve to tell others about their feelings because he's not worthy of it.

Everyone has their issues, he has his, he has to keep it to himself. He wants to make everyone happy, he NEEDS to make everyone happy.

Yet... why...

does he feel so alone...?

ʚ♡ɞ