The cold December air gave way into January and January swept into February and yet nothing changed in her life.

The nightmares were consistent. Her family came to check in on her everyday. Jovon came and went despite the fact that she told him she didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. The baby was doing fine. And she was still in the hospital.

Annie felt like something was missing In her life still. She couldn't point out what exactly, but she was not happy. Her psychiatrist came in to see her twice in a week and talk about her nightmares, yet Annie couldn't bring herself to tell the older woman that she was anything but happy. The nightmares had stopped coming though, right after she was guided into her mind and saw that she didn't die in the fire and that Bridget's death was an act of defense.

At forty minutes past six on Wednesday evening Annie was sitting on the hospital bed, that she had come to accept as her temporary home,staring blankly at the bespectacled older woman opposite her.

"Annie?" Dr. Stanfield said. "Annie you've been sitting there in silence for...," she glanced at the clock on the wall, "...two minutes. What's wrong? Talk to me."

"Something happened." Annie wasn't sure where to start but it seemed once she got going it was
easy to divulge the story of Jovon Phim. As she spoke the words out loud she found herself becoming more and more distressed, her voice reaching a crescendo of anxiety until she stopped her rant in mid-sentence, ashamed of her overwrought pitch. She was quite close to blubbering but, after all, if she could be honest about the intensity of her feelings anywhere, it was here.

Dr. Stansfield sat listening placidly and now she whistled through her teeth."Whew. You've had quite a few months then. I think that's the most you've ever told me about your
practical activities." She gave Annie a reassuring smile. "Take a few deep breaths and let me tell you what I see." Annie nodded her on. "Good. Let's take a step back and evaluate these circumstances with respect to why you are here and the problems you first told to me. Let's look at this simplistically. You have a problem with depression, yes? That problem is exacerbated by your social isolation which has been self-imposed since your breakdown. You agreed you needed to and were going to make more of an effort with people in order to combat this isolation. Now, when you told me you met this Jovon Phim who seemed less eager to be friends and you had agreed within yourself to meet and socialize with him. And was pleased with the result. But after all he did to you, you still think about him. This is progress for someone in your position. You realize that, don't you?"

"What happened was more than just a social interaction. It wasn't quite what we discussed. It was complicated. It is complicated."

"It does seem to have turned out that way, true. But nothing ever goes as planned, Annie. Having such a 'complicated', as you put it, outcome to one of your first real efforts at human contact on a personal level since your recovery is surprising and I can understand why and how it has stressed you out so much. On the other hand, you are a rather a complicated person and it may be that you are always going to illicit complex reactions from others, or in this case, attract another person who's also complicated."

"I can see that is not a very comforting thing for you to hear at this point. Alright. Let's look at
it another way. If you are going to be opening yourself up to friendships this kind of thing will, on occasion, be inevitable. You are young and attractive. Other people, even old and unattractive ones like me have to deal with it too. In your case it feels so overwhelming because you are unused to putting yourself out there, but it may be something you will have to develop a thicker skin about. Having said that, and purely from an outsiders perspective, the feelings you associate with this encounter were clearly mutual. I'm here for you of course. You're taking tentative steps into what is for you, at this time in your life, something of a wilderness. But I have to ask... Was it really that bad? It sounds exciting, and excitement doesn't always have to be expressed negatively."

"But he broke my heart and accused me of being a gold-digger, Dr. Stansfield. He came right out with it. I'm not just being paranoid, I have good reason to be worried, don't I? Surely the next time that someone who is a guy holds me, he would think the worst of me. Why the hell did I allow him to continue to visit me? What the hell am I doing?"

"Why did you consent to it?" Dr. Stansfield peered at her. "Think about it, Annie. Why did you allow him?"

Annie leaned back and thought carefully. "He seems so lonely and sad. But that could be just a ruse. If he's lying about it then I may have opened myself up to another whole new level of pain. If he's not, then he's vulnerable and only wants to spend time with me because he's so desperate for company and his baby. . .which is just sad for me."

Dr. Stansfield looked as if she was trying very hard not to laugh.

"Ah! Why do I always end up feeling like I'm here purely for your entertainment?"

"My apologies. Maybe he just likes you. . . or loves you. It does seem like this man did her best to be honest with you. And you, Annie, have you been completely honest with him?"

"Yes. What do you mean?"

"Have you told him about your problems with your relationships in the past? You may be able to gloss over the facts about your life, but you haven't always had a heart of gold either. And in a logical sense it's probably the reason why you're always so worried about other people victimizing you somehow."

"I don't do that anymore," Alex said sulkily. "Anyway, I think you're exaggerating a bit."

"That's hardly the point. We both know you're too smart to lie to people directly. No, what you do is manipulate conversations in a way that points people toward what you're comfortable about revealing and away from what you're uncomfortable with. It's textbook stuff, and may I remind you that when I first started seeing you it was that particular part of yourself you disliked the most. I think you should be careful of re-establishing habits that have been intrinsic to your nature for the past few months of your life and of over differentiating between yourself and the rest of the world."

"That's awful. I haven't gained anything from my problem, just the opposite, I used it to drive people away."

"I'm only iterating a point. Every single person on the planet has a dark side. Accepting that part of someone is to truly have them in your life."

Annie lapsed into silence but found the doctor's voice reflected her own inner logic and was starting to breathe more easily "I think for now, I will only ask you to examine why you jump to such negative conclusions about things like this. And then perhaps to consider, if you do see this man again, to make your feelings or thoughts on the subject abundantly clear -to him, yes, but the same goes for anyone who in the future may make you feel this way. To be a worthy friend you must know each other in all sincerity without being afraid of frightening each other off."

"But this is exactly the kind of thing I've been trying to avoid by staying away from my family and not telling them the entire truth. You can see that, can't you? How fucking weird it is, that something like this happens the first time I try to open my heart to a man. I'm telling you I feel like I'm at the mercy of unknown forces!"

"And I'm telling you that the 'unknown forces' you are at the mercy of are your own emotions." Dr. Stansfield pulled her glasses from her nose and peered at Annie "Annie, you know as well as I do that you've been asked for your love and attention many times before and many times you've declined. Why did you say yes to this man's proposal to be his lover? Because you felt chemistry with him. Of all my patients you are close to the top of the list of those least com-fortable with or willing to admit
their emotions. You are responsible for getting yourself into that situation and now you must accept responsibility to remove yourself from it... If need be."

"What do you mean, 'if need be'?"

"I don't believe you should run away and hide. It's what you've been doing ever since you woke up from your injuries and it hasn't worked out for you. Quite the contrary. You must face your emotions head on. Feel them, Annie. If you don't they will come back and bite you in the form of anxiety and depression. Neither you nor I want that. For the past two months we've had your depression under reasonably good control and I
believe we've reached a reliable balance with your medications. Would you agree with that?"

"I would, yes."

"Alright. Which leaves us to work with the mechanisms for improvement we've discussed
which don't involve meds." The doctor paused and looked thoughtful. "What would you say you are most afraid of if you do continue contact with this man?"

"More of this. Distress, confusion; a rollercoaster of emotions which could set me back on the same road I was on months ago. What if he hurts me? What if I hurt him? What if ...what if I fall in love with him again?"

"All valid worries, certainly. And risks you have to take in any relationship. I would always advise caution. But what if he turns out to be a great friend? What if he saves you from yourself? Isn't that our real goal here, to bring you not up to a level where you are merely surviving day by day, but to a level where you might actually achieve some degree of happiness?"

"Perhaps I ask too much of life. I don't want to risk falling into a trap and losing everything I've gained over the last couple of months. My sanity."

"I think it's good that you can admit you are afraid of that. To me and to yourself. That level of under-standing will allow you to assimilate your fear into your everyday interactions, which will take it out of this room, out of your subconscious and directly into the effort to gain and maintain healthy, honest relationships."

"You make a lot of sense. You're not telling me anything I don't already know, but it does help hearing it from you."

Dr. Stansfield laughed. "You're one of my most intelligent patients, Annie, but you do intellectualize everything. Remember, when you're in emotionally charged situations logic has no bearing and that is when you have to be strong. Anyway, I thought you didn't believe in love anymore?"

"I don't believe in good love. I believe quite strongly in bad love."

The doctor laughed again. "You have a lot of character and I have trust that things are going to turn out better for you in the future. I know you don't believe me, but I've seen the progress you've made and I'm well aware of the strength you have in you." She became serious. "Be that as it may, if you feel anything destructive rising to the surface before our next appointment you will call me, yes?"

Annie nodded. Mixed messages are a part of life, she said to herself, repeating her therapists mantra; no more black and white thinking, Annie.

"You're still here, Annie. After everything you've been through you are still here. Your insecurities about your past and yourself are getting in the way of you living life to your full potential. Don't let them. Of course be cautious with others, but try to entertain a little optimism for a change."

"So you believe I should not cut off contact with Jovon and to forgive him?"

"That's up to you. If you do see him again, be honest about boundaries. Our goal is to get you mixing more, and next time you try it could be with someone a lot less interesting ."

Annie narrowed her eyes at the secretive smile playing on the doctor's lips.

She's right, though. I might as well see how this plays out.

"How is the baby? Any problems there ...?"