Chapter 13

Talk

I've finally decided to talk to Kiel for Dahlia. I thought that we can't continue like this. Magtataka si Dahlia sa sitwasyon namin, and she'll eventually get confused. And I don't wish for my daughter to carry the burden of trying to understand her parents because I refuse to make things easier for her... I am her mother and it's my responsibility to take care of my daughter. At kahit pa may problema sa pagitan namin ni Kiel, I cannot deny that he's still Dahlia's father...

Do I regret meeting Kiel? My answer would be yes, but—there's a but, because after everything that had happened between us he still gave me Dahlia. At ayaw kong pagsisihan na pinagkaloob sa akin ang anak ko.

I realized that I can endure a lot of things—all the pain and the hurt, all for my daughter. And I regret not coming back for her earlier. Hinintay ko pa na malaki na siya nang balikan ko. But I was unstable back then. And I think I wouldn't be fit as a mother to her with my condition before. My thoughts were messed up, I couldn't even take properly care of myself, and how can I be a mother to Dahlia in that condition?

Baka kung noon ako bumalik hindi ko pa kayang maging civil man lang kay Kiel... At kulang pa ako sa tapang noon. I wouldn't be able to take care of Dahlia when I couldn't even take care of myself and my thoughts. Baka puro lang takot kay Kiel ang maisip ko noon. I wouldn't be able to properly think about my child.

"It takes time, A." I remember Kai telling me this.

Those times when I can't trust anyone, I can't even trust my own self... But I trusted Kai. Siguro ay dahil siya lang ang nandoon. And I saw him as someone who have saved me. He took me in and took care of me. Kahit pa hindi naman kami magkaano-ano. Kahit noon pa nga lang kami nagkakilala. Kahit si Kiel naman ang talagang kaibigan niya...

Like what I said I waited for Kiel until he's back home that evening. Maaga nga rin siyang nakauwi. And we had dinner together with our daughter. Binuhos muna namin ang oras namin kay Dahlia. We listened to all the stories she tells while having our meal. Napapangiti na lang din ako sa anak ko. And when my eyes caught Kiel, I saw him smiling as he looked at our daughter as well. And when he probably noticed my gaze, bahagya rin siyang ngumiti sa akin. Hindi naman ako makangiti pabalik at bahagya pang gulat ang naramdaman. Binalik ko na lang ang tingin sa pagkain ko.

Are we all right? Maybe, for Dahlia. Pero alam kong pareho rin naming alam na hindi talaga kami okay. And this was just all for Dahlia. Para sa anak namin. Dahil kahit ano pa man ang mga nangyari...pareho pa rin kaming dalawa na mga magulang ni Dahlia.

And after helping Dahlia with her night bath, and putting her to bed, I've decided to finally have a conversation with Kiel. And it was a proper conversation, at least. Unlike what was probably expected, the confrontation. There was none. Kinausap ko lang siya tungkol at para sa anak namin.

"Niyaya ako ni Dahlia na mamasyal daw tayong tatlo na magkasama..." I said, and put an effort to look at him.

Nakatingin din sa akin si Kiel. And now that I watch him, I noticed that he looks different... He kind of looked gentler... Or maybe because I can see him as a good father to Dahlia now. Hindi naman ako bulag sa relasyon at effort niya sa anak namin. I can see what kind of a father Kiel was to our daughter. At kahit papaano ay pinapasalamatan ko na rin iyon. Na hindi naman niya pinabayaan si Dahlia at kita ko rin na mahal na mahal niya ang anak namin.

But that doesn't mean that I have already forgotten what he did to me in the past... Or that I have forgiven him... It's still here. But I'm willing to compromise for Dahlia. Gusto kong lumaki pa na masayahin lang ang anak ko at hindi na niya dapat pang isipin ang problema namin ni Kiel. Sa amin na lang sana iyon.

He nodded gently. "Yeah... She's been also asking me the same thing... But I couldn't tell you myself... And I also told her not to force you into doing things..." He carefully tried to tell me.

Umiling naman ako. "You should have not said it like that to Dahlia... Ayos lang naman sa akin, at susubukan ko na pagbigyan ang mga hiling ng anak ko. Hindi mo na siya kailangan pang pigilan na magsabi sa akin."

"Yes, I'm sorry. Ayaw ko lang na mapilitan ka dahil gusto ni Dahlia..." Mukhang may gusto pa sana siyang sabihin pero wala na rin siyang sinabi sa huli.

Bahagya na lang akong nagbuntong-hininga at tumango. "Sige, planuhin natin kung kailan at saan ang gusto ni Dahlia na pamamasyal."

Kiel nodded. Nagkatinginan pa kami bago siya nagsalita. "Thank you." He said.

"You don't have to thank me, I'm doing this for Dahlia." I said.

Nanatili ang tingin niya sa akin. At sa huli ay tumango na lang din siya. At wala nang sinabi pa. It's as if he just let me decide on this. Which made me at ease as well. And I don't have to talk with him that much because he's already nodding his head and agreeing to what I've got to say. Kaya naging madali na lang din ang pag-uusap namin.

We didn't talk about the past. Or what will happen. And the confrontation. We are only talking about our daughter and for Dahlia. Iyon lang naman ang mahalaga sa ngayon. At least, nagkakasundo naman kami para sa bata.

"Uuwi na rin ako. I'll just visit Dahlia again." I said after our peaceful talk.

Napatingin si Kiel sa wristwatch niya. Hindi pa rin siya nakakapagbihis and was still in his dark slacks and white dress shirt. Galing pang trabaho kanina. "It's already late. You can actually stay here for the night if you want... Marami naman guest rooms..." he tried to tell me.

Pero umiling ako. "Hindi na. I'm fine." pagtanggi ko naman.

"Then at least let me drive you to your place..." Bahagya rin siyang natitigilan sa sinasabi, maybe thinking as well that he can make me uncomfortable with his thoughts and actions...

Hindi pa rin talaga ako komportable sa kaniya. And I'm just trying to compromise for Dahlia. Tinitingnan ko na lang siya bilang ama ni Dahlia at sinasantabi ko na lang muna ang iba pang mga bagay.

Because I realized that I wanted a peaceful childhood for my daughter.

"I mean, I can ask the driver...na ihatid ka sa tinutuluyan mo..." he said instead. And I can see genuine worry in him.

Napatingin pa ako sa mukha niya saglit. At sa huli ay tumango na lang din ako at pumayag. I don't have a car of my own. Marunong naman akong mag-drive dahil tinuruan din ako ni Kai dati. But I'm saving up my money for Dahlia. At okay pa naman akong mag-commute. May Grab din naman. "All right. Gising pa ba ang driver?" pagpayag ko na lang din. Totoo rin kasi na gabi na rin talaga.

"Yes, of course. I'll ask the maid to call the driver. Para mahatid ka na sa bahay mo..." Kiel said.

Tumango naman ako sa kaniya. "Okay. Thank you."

And that ended our peaceful night, and peaceful talk. Ganoon lang pero ayos na iyon sa ngayon...

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