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Chapter 11

Mommy

Natigilan ako sa gitna ng tahimik na faculty room, as I was faced with Dahlia's tutor from last time. Hindi na ngayon nagtututor ang anak ko at ako na lang din ang tumutulong sa kaniya mag-aral sa bahay. Wala na akong sinasayang pa na panahon na makasama ko ang anak ko. And I love being with my daughter. I have never felt this happy before when I still can't be with Dahlia.

Nagkatinginan kami ng mukhang bagong teacher dito sa school. Narinig ko nga rin na may bagong teacher daw. At the end I chose to greet her politely, too.

"Nandito ka rin pala nagtuturo..." she said and looked like she did not expect to see me here working.

I nodded. "I'm a teacher as well." I said.

Tumango naman siya. "Kaya siguro nag-stop na sa tutor si Dahlia... Kasi nandiyan na ang Mama niya na teacher din naman pala." She smiled at me.

Tipid na lang din akong tumango, and then excused myself and went to my desk here in the faculty.

Simula noon ay nakasama ko na sa trabaho si Teacher Rissa, that's her name. Palagi niya akong nilalapitan at kinakausap kapag may pagkakataon. And I'd just respond to her politely. And try to smile to her as well. I think she's friendly...

When I was working back in Chicago, I wasn't very friendly with the school staffs as well. My trauma from my past had made me become aloof... Si Kai nga lang ang talagang kinakausap ko noon. He was a great friend to me. He took me in when I needed someone. He cared for me.

Nahirapan din sa akin si Kai. I couldn't talk and can't even eat properly. He took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. Madalas pa akong matulala lang noon. Kai also seek help for me. And I undergone therapy. Hanggang sa unti-unti pagkatapos ng marami ring mga buwan, I started to try and live my life again with his help.

I started working as a primary school teacher in Chicago. I realized that I cannot just depend on Kai all the time. Kailangan ko rin tulungan ang sarili ko. Although it wasn't easy. I was always scared. And then when I had enough courage, that's when I decided to come back and be with my daughter.

And I'm glad I did. Because maybe no one can really help us but ourself after all. And I just chose to help myself as well. And then now I can be with my daughter...

"Matagal ka na rin ba na tutor ni Dahlia noon?" I asked. I was just starting to get a little comfortable around her...

Teacher Rissa has asked me to join her for lunch. Hindi ko na rin naman natanggihan pa. I thought that she was trying to make an effort to befriend me.

And as for Dahlia, I already made her a packed lunch na ginawa ko nitong umaga dahil sa apartment ko siya natulog nitong weekends. And today is Monday. Mamaya ay uuwi na uli siya sa bahay nila ni Kiel. Ayos na rin sa akin. I enjoyed my little time with my daughter. And she loved her bedroom at my place as well. Ako mismo ang nag-decorate noon. I just made the room into a pastel maximalist style. And then I added more cute stuffs like toys and books, and cute furnitures. I actually had fun doing it. And I was excited to show it to Dahlia. I'm glad that my daughter liked it.

"Oo, matagal na nga rin akong naging tutor ni Dahlia." She smiled. "Hanggang sa sinabi na lang sa akin ni Sir Zadkiel na titigil na raw muna sa tutor si Dahlia."

Naramdaman ko rin naman ang guilt ko sa sinabi niya. Ako ang nagsabi kay Kiel na huwag nang mag-tutor pa si Dahlia. Because I can do it myself.

Nakangiti lang naman sa akin si Teacher Rissa. "Ayos lang din. Mamimiss ko lang siguro si Dahlia." She said it with a smile.

"Nagkikita na rin kayo ni Dahlia ngayon dito sa school." sabi ko na lang din.

She nodded and smiled again. "Oo nga."

Bahagya na rin akong ngumiti sa kaniya.

Pagkatapos ay nagsalita rin siyang muli. "Good girl kasi si Dahlia. At sweet din na bata." Teacher Rissa smiled more as she talked about my Dahlia.

Napangiti na rin ako.

And then our subject was changed. "Nga pala...sana okay lang magtanong... Ngayon ko lang kasi talaga nakita ang Mama ni Dahlia..." she said.

Bahagya naman akong natigilan sa sinabi niya.

"Ang ibig kong sabihin... Kahit dito sa school mukhang hindi pa rin alam na ikaw ang Mama ni Dahlia... Ang tahimik mo lang din kahit kapag kinikilig na ang faculty sa Daddy ni Dahlia. Noong nakaraang may parents meeting wala kang sinabi kahit pinag-uusapan na si Sir Kiel ng mga teachers..."

I know that people can be curious, too. And do I have to do something about that curiosity... Kalmado akong huminga. "Ano ba ang...sinabi sa 'yo ni Kiel?" I asked instead.

Mukhang bahagya naman siyang nagulat sa tanong ko. "Uh... Wala naman... Hindi ko naman kayang magtanong ng personal na bagay kay Sir Kiel... Gaya ng tungkol sa Mama ni Dahlia, kung bakit wala noon..." She smiled a bit awkwardly after.

I realized that I just had a dirty mind when I thought that Kiel has something to do with his daughter's tutor. I was wrong about it and I regret thinking that way. Tumango ako kay Teacher Rissa. I would not explain anything to her. "You're right. You were only Dahlia's tutor. You don't really have to know about your student's personal life..." I said.

Nagkatinginan kami. And her lips parted as she looked at me. She can be curious but she can't go as far as befriending me just because she's curious...

Since then I kept my distance with Teacher Rissa. If she's interested with Kiel...she can ask him... But that's if they're close enough and Kiel's willing to share our life to her...

Sometimes people might think that it's okay to ask questions just because they're curious or interested, without minding that they can put the person they are asking the question into an awkward situation... And as if they have forgotten to be more sensitive...

"Mommy..."

Agad akong lumingon sa tumawag sa akin. I was already keeping my things inside my bag and preparing to leave the classroom after work, when I heard and saw Dahlia calling me... "Dahlia..."

She's never called me Mommy before. Panay lang ang 'po' at 'opo' niya sa akin kapag magkasama kami at nagkakausap. And she's never called me first. Ako palagi ang nauunang tumawag sa kaniya.

Napangiti na lang ako at lumapit sa anak ko dala na ang bag ko at gamit. "Yes, anak?" I smiled to her. I was happy that she's called me Mommy.

"Daddy's here to pick me up... Is it okay if you join us today? Daddy promised to have dinner out together..." she said in her sweet voice.

At matatanggihan ko ba ang anak ko? Siyempre um-oo na kaagad ako. And I held her hand as we walked out the empty classroom now.

At nang araw na iyon nakita ng ibang teachers na sinundo kami ni Dahlia ni Kiel sa school at sumakay din ako at ang anak ko sa kotse ng Daddy niya...

It was a happy day for me. It's the first time that my daughter has called me Mommy. At kahit pa kasama namin si Kiel ay masaya pa rin ako na kumain ng dinner sa labas kasama ang anak ko. For me it was like a celebration for my daughter finally accepting me in her life as her mother.

Pero kinabukasan ay sobrang obvious na pinag-uusapan ako ng mga teachers sa faculty. Dahil nga sa nakita nilang kasama ko si Dahlia at sinundo kami ni Kiel kahapon dito sa school. And Teacher Rissa already told them that I am actually Dahlia's mom. Ayos na rin iyon at hindi ko na kailangang magpaliwanag pa sa school. Wala na rin may naglakas loob na tanungin pa ako, dahil hindi rin naman ako talagang nakikipag-usap. And I think that has become an advantage for me. Isa pa ay wala naman iyong problema sa school kaya wala na akong dapat pa na ipaliwanag sa kanila. Even the headmaster doesn't concern himself about me. Nalaman ko nga rin pala na number one sponsor din ng school na 'to si Kiel. And I know that it's just for Dahlia. Gusto lang din ni Kiel na mas maayos ang experience ni Dahlia rito sa school. And I thought that even if he was a bad husband to me... He's still a good father to our daughter...