*****Before Reading, I ask that all my readers be respectful of this entry as I decided to share this story in hopes of bringing awareness to mental health. This story is my story of how life unfolded for my husband and me during a very difficult time. By no means was anyone intentionally hurt or abusive. This story is to show that stroke victims and their families go through a range of emotions and mental health issues during the time of recovery, which can take weeks, or years or may never recover at all. Both my husband and I have made strides since then to improve our mental health. Thank you for your consideration.********

Stroke is the 5th leading cause of death. Every 40 seconds, someone in the U.S. is having a stroke, every 4 minutes, someone dies from a stroke. 4 minutes. That's the time it takes to write a thank you note, the time it takes to take the trash out. It's the time it takes to load the dishwasher or the time to make a pot of coffee. 4 minutes. A stroke is a damage to the brain from lack of blood supply or when a blood vessel bursts. It can single-handedly cause the brain to literally die. The two types are Ischemic and Hemorrhagic. Ischemic stroke is caused by a blocked artery, with hemorrhagic stroke, blood vessel leaks or bursts. My husband was the victim of an Ischemic stroke. When the doctor returned he explained the MRI results. According to this doctor, the MRI showed evidence of prior strokes, more than likely mini-strokes. My husband looks back now and recalls several times when he may have had a mini-stroke and chalked it up to something else. The doctor explained further that the evidence showed he had at least 3 or 4 prior to this big one.

My husband was unable to walk without stumbling, his speech was impaired, and grabbing things like a cup seemed hard for him at first. But his doctors and nurses were confident that he would bounce back pretty quickly. His sugar when he arrived was dangerously high, his blood pressure was high, cholesterol was high. He was in the hospital for one week and was transferred to another hospital to do 3 more weeks of inpatient therapy. With time he began to talk better and balance himself without assistance a little better. When he was discharged he had an additional 4 to 6 more weeks of outpatient therapy. During this time, I had to still work, and take care of the kids, the bills the groceries, I had school and also still found a way to go up to see him every single night while he was in the hospital. It was a lot and was overwhelming. My Van wasn't running properly, and my washer went up. Everything happened all at once. At night my bed felt empty, it felt cold because he wasn't there, So to ease the loneliness, I had my kids sleep in the bed with me. And while they lay there sleeping, I sat there crying. Crying because I watched this happen when his dad went through it. I cried because the man I loved I knew deep inside would come out of this changed. I knew I had a long road ahead of me, and above all, I missed him. I remember one day I was at work and I was sitting in the lunchroom on my lunch hour and someone said something funny and I laughed a bit and smiled. As soon as I felt the laughter in my chest and the smile creak on my cheeks, I stopped. It was as if, I forgot for 2.0 seconds that my husband was fighting to be better again. I remember it gave me a feeling of guilt. Guilt for smiling. Guilt for laughing and for feeling okay for those 2 seconds while my husband was in recovery. It took a while but he soon was able to walk again without struggle and talk again without stumbling or stuttering his words. He did everyday tasks and also took his medication. His doctors regulated his insulin routine. In time, they said he would get better but may suffer side effects for the rest of his life. My husband was 35 years old when he had this stroke.

Today he still suffers side effects, his left side he says feels like pins and needles, and when he smiles, one side still hangs down a bit. Sometimes he makes heavier steps trying to be aware to catch himself or balance himself. John began to recover rather quickly. If you never knew him before the stroke, you would never have guessed that he went through this. On the outside, he appeared ok. But the rest of him was still healing. And the mental toll it took on our family, was unreal. During his time at therapy, my husband was determined and pushed himself to get better. He was not going to allow himself to fall apart. I admired this about him. He didn't want to give up. He eventually went back to work and attempted to conduct a normal life again. Going through this was hard in itself, but the following years to come was even harder. This is where my life began to really fall apart.

In the following days and weeks to come I threw myself into taking care of him. I made sure to make all his appointments, I made sure I was there to go with him, and I scheduled his interviews for Disability to get us through while he was recovering. I organized his medications and made sure that he was taking the right medicines on the right day and at the right time. I was raising the kids, and at the same time, I was enrolled in school and going to work full-time. I was exhausted and there was little time to do or think about anything else. But I stuck to the schedule, and kept to the routine of life, until one day I looked up at myself in the mirror and saw a woman I didn't recognize anymore.

What most people my age fail to understand and recognize is that a stroke is a powerful thing, it affects your sense of self. Stroke victims will often feel a lot of things after suffering from a stroke, that can last a lifetime. Like grief or loss. It affects memory, judgment, awareness, paralysis, or inability to move certain parts of your body, and a lot of stroke victims are diagnosed with things like mood disorders, anxiety, and depression it can even affect your emotions, and your ability to connect with people.

During this time, my life began to feel like a twilight zone. So many things about him had changed. He and my son Matt, who had just become a teenager at this time, kept bumping heads. Always arguing. My son kept testing his patience as my husband tried to regain the title of man of the house over his household again. There were times I had to throw myself in between them, because I feared one might hurt the other, and at this point, it was hard to tell who would hurt who the most. I cried all the time because they wouldn't stop, pushing each other's buttons, trying to be the big man on campus. Getting into each other's faces, all the time ready to throw down punches at any given time and if either of them had, they probably both would have both landed in the hospital. Thank God that did not happen. But the emotional toll it took on all of us was still very hard. The constant back and forth and never-ending yelling. It was as if my husband's brain was rewired, and Matt was not having it.

Although we seemed okay on social media, we were not okay. Eventually, the connection and intimacy that John and I once had, slowly disappeared. We stopped having sex, we weren't being intimate and we just became more like roommates than anything else. Most of the time he fell asleep on the couch and I slept alone in our bed. I wanted my husband to lay with me, hold me. I wanted him to touch me. I could sense things weren't okay with him, but he would never open up to me. I became very lonely and had gained a lot of weight. Many times I thought he just wasn't attracted to me anymore. I thought and cried over and over asking myself and God, why doesn't he want me? I became very depressed, I was lonely. My husband hasn't touched me in months. He hadn't given me as much as a hand-holding. I felt like maybe, its me. Maybe he isn't attracted to me anymore. I couldn't remember the last time he had told me I was beautiful. I couldn't remember what passion felt like. And began to forget that there was ever a time when he and I did feel things for each other, where we desired each other. I accepted that this was my fate. I decided that I didn't need sex to be in this relationship. But that would have been easier for my heart to believe if I hadn't also been tired, exhausted and trying to keep my family together. I felt like I was hanging on by a thread.

Over time I began to accept this was a normal thing to experience that all couples, at some point go through this. I began to accept it as being ok. I remember thinking things like "We have been together a long time, and he has been through a lot. This is just what happens when you have been with someone as long as we have." I began to focus on my routine and just kept moving, existing. It wasn't before long that I had dropped out of college feeling as if the pressure of an assignment was just too much. I felt as if I wasn't accomplishing my goals. Everything was literally falling apart. But nonetheless, I accepted it, I wasn't happy about it but my husband got to live. I was grateful for all I had. I was grateful he was still here. So I took my gratitude and just kept telling myself that I would be okay, Only, It wasn't and I really was lying to myself.

I stirred clear of taking pictures of myself, as I had gained about 50 to 60 lbs, since John's stroke, in a course of two years. I hated the way I looked, I hated the way I felt about myself. Which for me was sad, because I worked my whole life to build my confidence, and learned to love myself. And after meeting John, I felt more beautiful than ever. But at this point in my life, I felt I had to sacrifice everything I was, everything I needed to be for me to support and take care of my family. And at this time, I was sacrificing quite a bit. My education, my body, my health, my mind, my energy, sleep. But I came to realize, I wasn't sacrificing myself, I had abandoned myself.

I remember feeling like disappearing. Just walking out. If it wasn't for my daughter, I think I would have. At times I had even thought about taking her and running away. I didn't want to, but it felt as if life was just too hard. You would have thought I would have left by this time, but I didn't. Because I knew in my heart, this behavior was not John, I knew this was the side effect of his stroke. I remember a coworker of mine telling me a story of a friend of hers who divorced because her partner became mean after the stroke. I was praying that this was not what was going on with John, I was praying that maybe, this would get better.

As many of you read this you probably have painted a really good picture. And I just want to say by no means am I perfect I made plenty of mistakes as a result of this pain. But It took falling into a deep dark place for me to realize that I was meant for so much more. I had to realize that there was a purpose for me and it wasn't just to be this man's loyal wife or the mother of my children. In 2022 I did talk to my husband about all the things I had been feeling and all the things that had occurred since that day he had his stroke. He made me aware that it was not his intent to make me feel this way. And he tried to do better. For the record, John was not a bad man, he actually is a great man, he was just as lost as I was in the suffering. It was no picnic, I'm sure to go through all the things he went through. Of course, other things occurred in our lives during this time making the healing process harder, and we continue to struggle at times. But as time goes on I know he and I will do what's right for both of us and our daughter.

My son moved out and came back apologizing to me for being difficult during such a trying time. I told him there was no need for apologies, he was a kid, a teenager, And he too was going through this. As for me, I decided it was time to refocus my energy on rediscovering myself, pulling the pieces back together to find that girl I once was and live the life I want. I began drawing and writing more and taking long baths to help me relax more. Gave more responsibilities to my husband and daughter with things around the house. I would occasionally take random drives around to handle and process my thoughts. I wrote in my journal to document them. I began seeing a therapist and worked on rebuilding myself. I got a new job, and started eating better lost 17 lbs and counting! I took more selfies of myself and felt beautiful because deep inside I know I always was. I began doing things that I normally didn't do like mowing the lawn. I started a writing blog on social media, and I am now enrolled in school for Social work. I began to truly love myself again on the inside and out. There is no doubt that I have bad days, but every day is another opportunity to achieve one of my goals. Every day is like a new beginning and while there are still things going on in my personal life that haven't quite been resolved, I now understand that losing myself again is not an option and in spite of any hard times I will come to face, I know I now have the strength and courage to face it.

So to anyone out there who is struggling, anyone who feels like they are not, pretty enough, not amazing enough, or depressed, or lonely just know there is someone who understands.  Someone who felt all these things and found light on the other side. Don't give up, you will shine again and will be brighter than ever!