『Chapter Forty-Six』
『the conflict of ones heart』

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Kain watched as Jace left, Kain couldn't help but feel a tinge of pain spread through his heart as Jace disappeared into the ship. There was a part of Kain that wanted to go to Jace and talk to him, to explain but at the same time, Kain was afraid. He was afraid of what Jace would say, he was afraid of the argument which might happen. In the time that they'd known each other—which realistically, wasn't that long—Kain hadn't seen Jace as angry as this, they rarely got into anything like this.

All that was going through Kain's mind was the fact that he was terrified. He was afraid of the state of his relationship, he was afraid that he'd end up out of protection, he was afraid of every little thing that came to mind. He knew that he needed to talk to Jace about all of this, that he needed to talk things through but there was a part of him that just wanted to run away and hide.

He knew that he just needed to breath but there was a part of Kain that was stuck in this cycle of panic, he kept thinking that there was a chance he'd get kicked out of the ship on their next stop, meaning that he'd have to fend for himself like he has for the past five years. He knew that it was selfish for him to think of such a thing, but he liked it here, he liked being around the guardians. He liked being here.

Kain clenched his jaw slightly, he knew that he fucked up, he hated just how much he's fucked up. He hated Adrian, he hated that he—Kain—put himself in such a position, and worst of all he hated that he somewhat enjoyed the kiss. Kain hated himself, he hated that he didn't pull himself away from Adrian, he hated that he didn't put a stop to any of it.

It was enough to make Kain question whether or not he was truly strong enough for any of this, it was pathetic, he knew. Kain wished that he could turn back time just to stop himself from kissing Adrian or doing what he did. He wished that he could go back in time to tell Jace to get rid of the problem that was Adrian. It was dramatic but his brain was panicking more than anything.

Kain found himself sharing a look with Peter. Kain found himself almost flinching at the harshness and coldness that Peter held in such a look. Kain couldn't help but then look down, feeling that Peter's stare was a little too intense for his liking. Peter was a few years older that Kain himself, the look made Kain feel like he was being scowled by an older authority figure, it was enough to make Kain feel uncomfortable.

As much as Kain was terrified of what Jace would say and do to him, there was this sinking feeling inside of Kain that was growing more afraid of what Peter would do to him. Peter was basically Jace's older brother though no blood was shared between them. Realistically, Kain had no idea who Peter was, he didn't know how protective Peter was over Jace, and that was something that scared Kain the most.

For a moment, Kain wondered what Peter would do to him if Kain told him why Jace was acting the way that he was—that is if Jace truly saw him kiss Adrian. Kain imagined that Peter would have several vulgar words to say towards Kain, he imagined that Peter would threaten Kain for hurting Jace. The look in Peter's eyes made Kain think of the way that Janus looked when Janus caught the pair of them in the library.

"What's he doing here?" Rocket questioned, pointing to Adrian who had been stood against the wall of the Benatar. Rocket's voice was enough to snap Kain out of his thoughts.

"Came up here when I heard yelling, thought I'd take a look." Adrian shrugged as if nothing had happened not that long ago.

Kain hated the sound of Adrian's voice. Every single word and every single syllable made Kain feel like he was going insane, he just wanted to turn around and punch Adrian for everything. He knew that he was just being overdramatic, but just the sound of Adrian's voice made Kain feel unbelievably violent.

Peter then took a step towards Kain. "Can I talk to you, privately?"

Kain found himself nodding, he followed Peter who ended up taking Kain just under the cockpit. There was a part of Kain that was looped in a sense of panic, he was worried about what Peter would do and say to him, he was worried that Peter would threaten him. Kain could feel Peter's eyes on him, it was enough to make him feel uncomfortable. Peter crossed his arms as he then cleared his throat slightly.

"Did something go on between you and Jace?" Peter questioned. There was a sharpness in his voice that he never had before. "I haven't seen him like that since the last time his heart was broken, and that was when the pair of you broke up. I'm not going to lie to you, but I don't fully like you being here, Kain, you broke my brother's heart last time, I tolerate you being here because of how much you mean to Jace, and I was actually liking having you here because of how much happier you make Jace."

That stung more than Kain thought it would. As much as he knew that there was a possibility that Peter wouldn't like him being here, he hadn't fully expected Peter to admit it. There was a part of Kain that worried that Peter would try and kick him off their ship for all of this. He had to remind himself that he had no right to stay even if Peter did.

Peter sighed and continued. "Look, I just want to know if something has gone on between you two, I know that Jace won't speak about it until he's calmer about it. All I want is what's best for my brother."

Kain stiffened slightly. "I—I, uh, it's complicated. Jace just found something out and he wasn't ready to find it out just yet. . . and, uh—" God, he didn't know how to tell Peter about what Jace could've seen.

"Is it something which I need to get involved with?" Peter questioned raising a brow. "Or help in any way? I care for Jace and if it means that I have to step in to help then I will."

Kain paused for a moment thinking it over, there was this loud voice in his head that was telling him that he needed to come clean to Peter and tell him the truth, but he was afraid of Peter's reaction. Instead, he found himself shaking his head. "No, I don't think so," Peter clenched his jaw, though went to walk away. Kain stepped towards Peter then, which caused Peter to pause. "Though, I wanted to ask, I've barely seen Jace like this—when's the best time to speak to him?"

Peter looked back at Kain, Kain noticed the half-smile that made its way onto Peter's face. "I'll give him a while, though I'm sure that with you he'd calm down quicker. Jace loves you a lot, even when you two were apart—he kept mentioning you. I've never seen him this happy. You make him happy, Kain."

Kain nodded as Peter left him alone with his thoughts. He'd noticed how tensed Peter looked when he walked off. There was a part of Kain that feared that there was a chance that Peter would find Jace despite the warning that Peter gave him, he feared that there was a chance that Jace would tell Peter everything. He knew that he was being dramatic, but at the same time, it was all that he could think about. There was this part of him that worried that he'd be unable to explain any of this to Jace.

What made Kain hate himself even more is the fact that he knew that he liked the kiss, that he enjoyed it. He knew that he shouldn't, he knew that enjoying a kiss from someone like Adrian would only make everything worse. Kain knew better, he knew that enjoying something like that when Adrian probably wanted to kill Jace was the worst betrayal that he could've ever done. Kain shook his head slightly, he knew that he needed to talk to Jace.

All that Kain wanted to do was to talk to Jace about all of this, but he was terrified beyond anything else. He was afraid that if he spoke to Jace about any of this, it would break him more than he thought it would. Kain's thoughts were a mess, a mix between feeling guilty and selfish, he wished that his thoughts weren't as selfish as they were, but he was just terrified of the possibility of what could happen.

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Jace found himself sat in the room which both him and Kain were sleeping in, he thought it best to go over what he had noted down about who he could be. He had circled the word 'Asgardian' a few times, he then placed a question mark next to it—there was a part of him which didn't want to believe that he was part of that world, that his mother had come from that place.

He threw the book onto the floor had ran his hand through his hair. His mind kept going back to seeing the kiss and each time he thought about it his heart broke again and again. He couldn't look at Kain, it hurt him any time that he thought of doing such—Jace loved Kain with his whole heart that to see the same person kiss another, it hurt. A lot.

He wanted to know why Kain would do such a thing, he wanted to know why to all of it. Not just about the kiss but about what Jace could've done to prevent it. Was all of this a trick? A ploy to reel Jace in just so that Adrian could come in and kill Jace? Did Adrian even want to kill Jace? He didn't know anymore, his mind felt like his mess and his heart hurt him more than anything.

Jace wasn't sure what was going on in his mind, it was a mess. All that Jace could think about was the fact that Kain could've planned all of it. What if it was Kain that called Adrian? What if it was Kain who wanted him dead? He didn't know if this was something that Kain could even do, was it something that Kain would do? His mind couldn't make sense of any of it, why would any of this make sense?

He wanted to tell himself that he was thinking too much into it, but his mind couldn't help but overwork theories. Was he just pathetic, overwhelmed by the old feelings that he has of Kain? Was that why it was so easy? Did Kain know that by popping back up in Jace's life, he'd welcome the prince with open arms? Was Kain the one who called Adrian, offering riches beyond comprehension?

Jace knew that Kain was rich, that Kain's wealth was richer that several galaxies combined. There was this sick and twisted feeling inside of Jace that told him that Kain could've bought Adrian's talents in order to kill Jace, to find the information needed about him and break him. Was Jace's heritage something that Kain always knew? Did Kain hold that same hatred that his father did, that need to get back at those that hurt him?

He knew that these thoughts only served to harm him more, but nothing could compare to the pain of seeing that kiss play over and over in his mind. It was like he was being tortured with an intense emotional pain that he didn't think he'd be able to recover from. What hurt was the confusion that laid underneath all of this, why would Kain kiss someone who tried to kill him? Unless almost being killed was Kain's new kink, then Jace would have something to say.

That is if he would ever be able to talk to Kain after all of this. He knew that he would need to talk to Kain, get an understanding, but there was this voice inside of him that was telling him that he'd be too blind to notice whether Kain would lie to him. Jace wanted to talk to Kain, wanting to release himself from his worries but he knew that his worries would become worse.

Jace sighed, his little shooting game hadn't exactly helped that well—it did a little but not enough as he hoped that it would. The half-breed leant his head back against the wall, his eyes darted to the bed—he couldn't bring himself to sit on it, all he could think was Kain. Kain was all which went through his head, the prince was all that ever went through Jace's head even when his heart ached.

Whenever his eyes darted to the bed, his mind was filled with the way that Kain felt when pressed against him though that was ruined by the way that Kain looked on Adrian's lap, the way that Adrian touched Kain, the way that Kain touched Adrian. It remained as a loop inside of his mind, piercing his heart more than he liked.

Jace could feel the way which his eyes stung, yet he didn't want to cry—why should he? Why should he waste his tears on someone who knew Adrian wanted to end his life? Why should Jace cry when the man he loved probably never loved him to begin with? Why should he cry when the man he loved could be the one who called Adrian?

Yet even so, he wanted Kain to assure him that it's okay, that it was all just a bad dream and that there was nothing for him to worry about. He wanted Kain to hug him and tell him that it was okay. He wanted Kain to tell him that he was being overdramatic, that his imagination was playing up like it sometimes did when he panicked. He wished that Kain would tell him that he was just seeing things. But he knew that he wouldn't.

Jace heard a knock on the door, he couldn't be bothered to move to open it. "Come in," his voice was weak when he spoke. Even when the door opened and closed, Jace hadn't bothered to look at who it was. He didn't want to move his head after all it was the only thing, which was stopping his tears from falling, his eyes were more focused on the small window within the room, the only thing that helped Jace to not cry.

The room as a whole was dark, he didn't bother turning the light on. The only light which came through was from the small window which illuminated the room anytime they went past a planet. Despite the limited lighting, Jace could tell that whoever had come into the room was hesitant which didn't help Jace's nerves in the slightest.

"Jay."

Jace instantly tensed up. Kain. It was Kain. Kain had come to him. Perhaps Kain doesn't know that he saw, perhaps he could pretend that he was okay—that the entire thing with the asteroid field was just him being tensed with Adrian here and pent-up emotions. That seemed ideal, though Kain would probably be able to read past the lie. Fuck it, it was the only plan which seemed good.

Jace's eyes then was met with Kain being stood in front of him. He could clearly see that Kain was tense—that there was something which played on Kain's mind. Shit, Kain knew that he knew. Maybe the only reason why Kain came here was to break things off with him, and if that was the case then Jace knew that he wouldn't have it in him to say goodbye to Kain again. He wondered whether Kain would run off with Adrian after destroying Jace's heart.

"Kai."

Jace looked away from Kain for a moment, he didn't want to look at him anymore. All that Jace could feel was the pain of seeing that kiss. The feeling of having Kain in the same room as him was hurting him, there was this part of him that wanted to reach out and touch him, but that was something that he knew that he couldn't do. He wondered why Kain was here.

When he looked up at Kain, he noticed the slight relaxation, though Kain still seemed tensed. He wanted to know why Kain felt tensed despite the fact that he knew all too well, the gut feeling inside of him was enough for Jace to know. Jace felt as if Kain was going to talk to him about what happened, or at least what Kain thinks is going on. Jace wanted nothing more than to hope that Kain would talk to him and explain everything.

He noticed the way that Kain looked at him, Jace could see the pain, the fear, the. . .affection? It confused Jace why Kain would be afraid, though he supposed his entire stunt might have made him afraid. Though that was something that he wasn't entirely sure, and yet the one thing that made Jace question everything was the affection that Jace could see within Kain. If Kain still loved Jace, then why would he kiss Adrian?

"I wanted to. . . uh, talk to you," Kain's voice was quiet when he spoke, afraid that if he spoke any louder his voice would crack.

The voice crack in Kain's voice was enough to make Jace in need to reach out, to touch him, but Jace stayed where he was. He sucked in a breath. "What about? The entire Asgardian thing or my reaction? Or something different?"

Kain stuttered over his words, as if he wasn't sure as to what he wanted to say. "I—I don't know."

"You don't know why you wanted to come and talk to me?" Jace tilted his head slightly. Jace noticed as they passed another planet, the blue tint within Kain's hair, reminding Jace that Kain's hair wasn't exactly black.

Kain was silent for a moment. "No, I think I know what I want to say, but now that I'm here I don't know exactly what to say."

"If it's about my entire let me go and shoot some asteroids, then you don't have to come and talk to me about it," Jace said through a small scoff. He could feel the sense of despair and anger build up inside of him, he wanted Kain to be out with it, though he wasn't sure if he was ready to hear it.

"No, no," Kain shook his head slightly. "That's not what I wanted to talk to you about. Well, something. But Peter already told me about the last time which that happened—not the entire asteroid thing but I'm pretty sure he meant something similar and I—" Kain had stopped himself, "Sorry, I'm rambling."

"You're scared," Jace observed, "you always ramble when you're scared or something bad has happened." Jace moved to stand in front of Kain. Despite his thoughts and built-up emotions, he had cupped Kain's hands. "You're shaking."

He knew that Kain was afraid already, for a moment Jace wondered whether it was because of his behaviour that made Kain afraid. There was a part of Jace that waited for Kain to move out of his touch but when Kain didn't, he wasn't sure whether he should feel relieved. What took Jace by surprise was the way that Kain rested his head against Jace's shoulder with a groan.

For a moment, Jace wondered whether or not he should push Kain off of him, though he thought against it. Having Kain being this close might be the thing that both hurts him and brings him one last bit of comfort. He knew that he wanted something, but he didn't know what he wanted due to how many things he wanted within that moment.

Jace found himself taking in a deep breath, he took in Kain's familiar lavender scent. He thought it comforting, to have Kain this close to him was enough to feel Kain be this close to him. Jace knew that he wanted answers, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything, he couldn't bring himself to mention anything of the sorts. He found himself wrapping his arms around Kain, he felt the way that Kain's breath hitched as if he was surprised by the action.

"It's okay," Jace muttered. "There's nothing to be afraid of."

Jace had a feeling that the reason as to why Kain was afraid, but at the same time, he didn't want to believe that he could be the one to make Kain afraid. He knew that it was stupid, but it wasn't like his actions proved him otherwise. He knew that his actions were drastic, that his reaction to everything was dramatic.

Kain buried his head into the crook of Jace's neck. "What did I do to deserve you? You're literally perfect and you wound up with me of all people."

Jace took in a breath, he felt the way that his voice shook. "You're everything to me, Kain. You are who I love, despite everything I love you. You're the person who I would risk my life for. When I said that you were the love of my life, earlier, I meant it. You're my boyfriend and I trust you."

He did trust Kain, which was what made the betrayal so much worse. He did feel betrayed over the fact that Kain kissed Adrian, he did feel like that there was a part of him that couldn't trust Kain anymore. And yet, there was this feeling in the small part of his heart that told him that he still loved and trusted Kain. Kain betrayed him and broke parts of his trust, but Jace couldn't help but trust him as if nothing else happened.

Kain let out a small sob, he didn't particularly want to, but it was within that moment that everything came crushing down onto him. The guilt, the confusion which he was under, the love which burned bright for Jace—everything. Jace felt the way that Kain's arms had wrapped around him. The words "I'm sorry," was all of which Kain could splutter out.

Jace found himself hushing Kain. "It's okay, it's fine. Take your time." Even while he spoke, Jace couldn't help it as tears ran down his own face. His hand ran through Kain's hair, while the other was tightly round Kain. Jace had to bite down on his lip to prevent himself from hinting that he was crying as well. All which Jace could hear was Kain's sobs and the repeating of an apology.

Kain's arms had progressively gotten tighter around him as if he didn't want to let Jace go in any way. His grip around Jace was the only thing which brought Jace some sense of comfort. There was a part of Jace that couldn't help but feel distraught, he wanted Kain so desperately to confess everything, to tell him but at the same time he was contempt in holding Kain like this.

Kain, on the other hand, felt as if he didn't deserve Jace, Jace was this amazing person while Kain was a piece of shit—Kain felt almost disgusted in himself for what he had done. Actually, he knew that he was disgusting for what he'd done. Jace was perfect—the perfect boyfriend, the perfect crafter, the perfect thief who held the most amazing smile; even everything about his appearance was perfect. All while Kain fucked everything up.

How could he fuck up the only good thing that was in his life? He spent the last five years holding onto the hope of seeing Jace again, he was alive because of Jace. The only reason as to why Kain was alive, why Kain hadn't rid himself of this existence was because of Jace. He was always holding onto the hope of seeing Jace again, to be whole once more, and he fucking destroyed it because of a kiss.

Jace lowered them both to the floor where Kain had flung his legs across Jace's lap. His head was buried in Jace's chest while his arms still clung around Jace's waist. Jace leaned his head against Kain's, no matter what his feelings were at the moment, no matter how much Jace wanted to mention the kiss between Kain and Adrian, no matter how many conspiracy theories that he had, he knew that he had to comfort Kain in that moment.

"No matter what," Jace muttered, "I want you to know that I love you."

"Why are you so goddamn amazing?" Kain's voice was shaky when he spoke.

"I wouldn't say I'm amazing," Jace tried to joke, "but whatever lets you sleep at night."

"I'm serious!" Kain somewhat sobbed.

"So am I," Jace muttered before placing a small kiss the top of Kain's head. "If you want to talk about what's on your mind—I don't mind if its later on."

Kain hadn't said anything, his nod was enough for Jace to know that it was okay. Jace just found himself holding onto Kain, he knew that he wanted to mention everything that was going on in his mind, but he knew that now wasn't the time for it. Not when he was in such a fucked-up mindset. Jace could feel the way that Kain was shuddering in his grasp, could feel the way that Kain was trying to calm down as much as he could from his sobs.

Jace just tightened his arms around Kain as if it was all that he could do. He felt the way that Kain nuzzled into him a lot more, he wanted to promise Kain that everything would be alright, but he knew that once this phase was over, the true pain would only begin. He wanted to promise Kain that they were fine, but he wasn't okay.

Kain knew that Jace would be annoyed at what happened, and Kain expected nothing less, but at least Jace would know. As selfish as it might sound, there was a part of Kain which hoped that after telling Jace that they'd stay together—he didn't want to break things up between them. At all. Kain loved Jace, that stupid kiss was nothing but forced, even thinking back to it, it had made Kain shiver slightly—it made Kain somewhat uncomfortable with himself even in the arms of Jace.

Kain knew that whatever time he had with Jace, whatever time was left in their relationship was something that he would have to hold dear to his heart, knowing that it was because of him that it's ruined.

All that Kain hoped was that when he told Jace that everything would be fine. He hoped that it would be. He hoped that Jace would be okay. Who was he kidding, Kain knew that as soon as Jace was told he'd be pissed off. Yet even so, no matter what reaction he was going to get, Kain wanted to be completely honest with him. He loved Jace heart and soul.

Jace was the reason as to why he was still alive. And he just fucked it all up, that much he knew, but he was still holding out on the hope that they'll be okay. That was all that he could do at the moment.