Chapter 35

Have you ever seen an eagle flying down straight at its prey and gripping it and with one swift motion flying off with it!!!

So was my heart a prey and Joshan’s words were eagle that killed it and flew away in one swift motion.

The car halted at the door of the college and I hastened out of it like there wasn’t any more oxygen left in the car. I was choking breathless.

This was something beyond my imagination. I never had even thought about it in my far off dreams that a guy whom I am madly, fondly in love with would confess his love for another girl to me.

He did share his dirty secrets of his girlfriends with me but I was fine with it. May be because earlier then I was not aware that I was falling for him.

 Also because I knew that was his temporarily Player kind of stuff. But he, for the first time has admitted in front of me that he was in love. Otherwise he would simply say that he had hots for someone or some particular girl was his next NEW. This pain was getting unbearable.

Why is LOVE so difficult?

I sprinted to the library. I did not want to see anybody. I had tears in my eyes and I did not want to explain anybody what were they for? I was a poor liar. Alfred I knew would not even put his head up to look at me. This time of the morning he is too busy with his chores and cleaning stuff.

I took all the books and went on a far edge corner and hid myself working on the noting of the books, their delivery and receipt date and to check if they need to be mended or order has to be placed for a new one. It was taking more time than required as Joshan’s words. “Sandra Mitchell- the girl from first year is making me crazy. From the day I saw her for the first time. I was attracted towards her. I think I am in love. She does not even give me a second look. I don know what to do.”

He thinks he is in love was replaying in my mind. So his happiness lies with her. I will make every possible effort to make him happy by bringing them close. If possible I will beg her to give him a chance. If Joshan gets a good girl in life, may be he gives up his Player masquerade and leads a normal life. He has money; he is talented and is blessed with a lovely family. His life will be perfect if he gets the girl of his dreams. Sandra is going to be one lucky dame.

 So I am going to help him with it. I will play the role of his best friend and secretly love him all my life. I know I can never again fall in love for anybody else as Joshan is one of its kinds. I had only one heart and it has been taken and the person who has it would never have the awareness of it.

I was spilling tears all the while. Nobody could have noticed as I hid my face behind the pile of the books. But it’s burning my throat. I try to convince myself I should try and come out of this mess my life has put me into. Cairo is gone to her aunt’s for a week so I cannot meet her. So I tried Stacie. I speed dialed her number only to reach her voice mail box saying,” I am busy for a week for new project. Incase of emergency drop a message.”

I paused for a while, wiped my tears and said in my most possible cheerful tone, “Buddy just called to thank you for the dress of Julie..” and hooked up because I was sobbing silently. Stacie could have caught my pretended tone. I needed her but she needed to craft her future with no father in her life, I think she has to work a little harder for her life and I cannot trouble her for the stupid falling in love thing because I know she would sacrifice all her commitments only for me. I needed her badly.

“The day is off pearly.” Alfred shouted.

“But its only 3 now.” I said.

“Today there’s some meeting so the principal’s announced a half day, cannot keep this thing open further. I have to attend the meeting too.” He explained.

“Oh okay. I’ll take a minute.” I said as I sorted the books and piled them in their respective shelves. Most of the pending work was complete. Alfred seemed to be impressed.

“Great job Pearly” he said and looked at me. Next he shrugged his shoulders and moved out asking me to follow murmuring something about the new generation to himself. I think he read my blotchy eyes..

I was scared to face my friends because I knew my face would speak it all, I therefore headed towards the wash room, washed my face and added on some make up to enlighten my face and hid my pain. It didn’t work that well but I was going home. I wouldn’t stay long in the college. I did not have a ride back home and cannot ask Joshan too. It would be a bit awkward. I think I’ll ask Deren or take a bus.

I went down and there was worst waiting for me.

Joshan was standing right outside the library building talking to some group of girls. I did not see him but I can easily recognize his voice and laugh that he spills on some humor. I cannot go back as the building door was supposed to be locked and I stepped towards the group, it being the only way out of the college.

“Oh Pearly.” One of the girls from the group shouted.

With that Joshan turned around to look at me. He turned half way with his other hand on the waist of Sandra. Both of them were in closest proximity and if I am not mistaken Sandra was drooling over him, with a seductive smile on her face.

I felt my heart squeeze with pain and a burning sensation put my inners on fire.

 Deep shitting pain!!!!!

I waved a goodbye and signaled my watch uttering in my mouth with my lips synching “Am getting late. I have to go” and rushed out of the school.

I walked with hastened steps so that I can overlook if any known face seems to catch my eye. Avoiding Joshan though was on my priority list. Also it seemed like he was leaving Texas and I was going to miss him badly and also I feared that if I stayed with him for long I wouldn’t be able to hide my feelings from him and eventually blurt out my confession of love for him. That was something absurd and would have negative consequences.

Images of  Sandra and Joshan  intimately together too was stinging in my brain again and again. It was affecting me and I did not know how to suppress that feeling. I had brisk walked out of the college infact more than a mile out of the college with no vehicle to ride. I too wanted to burn my stress so I took a bus to my gym as it is I did not want to go with Joshan tonight because it would hurt me to know that he’d probably ditch me to the gym as he was dating Sandra and she had agreed and so on. He normally does that when he is hooked up with a new girlfriend. I had lost him mentally to Sandra.

This stress was raking my soul so I stepped on to the tread mill with speed of 6. I did not do warm up but kept on increasing my speed to 7 then 8 followed by 9 and 10 with images of Joshan and Sandra’s proximity flashing in my eyes.

*****

They say love is nothing but gain

But why I am in so much pain

They say love adds to your smiles

But why do I feel sorrow’s added to my life.

They say love accompanies with a facial glow

Why do I feel like falling into a hollow

They say if love is true

It is like a glue

That would stick together souls

But that’s only a part of whole

My love is true

But I let it free

Coz I want him to be happy and contended

With whatever he chooses it to be

I want him to have it

They say love is about giving

And I give him best by deserting.

Still love is immortal

As they say

And I till take it with me to the grave

On the day of my burial

****

I hated to see Joshan and Sandra smiling in my thoughts but they were not ready to move out of my system. Instead they were haunting me. They were taking away the strength from my body making my legs jelly and eyes were now seeing blurry images of them smiling and kissing too. I increased the speed to 12 and ran full on. I closed my eyes for a change to check if it helps erasing the figures of Sandra and Joshan. It did not help though because now I saw the dazzling brown eyes looking at me and saying, “I am in love” followed with a crashing Thud.

Now my heart did not explode but I crashed to the wall bruising my elbows and my knees. The coach attended me immediately and helped me with the medics. He also helped me with a cab to my place.

Thankfully the most desired person of the universe was waiting for me at my home. NO it was not Joshan. I cannot desire him if he is happy with Sandra. My darling mom had taken her day off and showed her panic attack tantrums looking at my wounds and bandages. She took same as the reason for my blotchy eyes and screwed face due to sobs of my heart break.

“What happened? Did anybody run into you? Why did you take a cab? Where was Joshan? Why didn’t you call me?” she blabbered like a concerned loving mom.

I felt like laughing at her cuddling behavior. “Mom chill. I just overdid my work out. No more questions pleaseeeeeeee. I am tired.” I gave her my PUG puppy dog irresistible eyes.

She melted into it and brought a bowl of hot soup for me. I had it and cradled into her laps to sleep. It felt so good. Thank you god for blessing us with a mother.

“I love you mom” I said as I drifted to a peaceful sleep.

 I woke up with lot of text in my inbox

Sam: hey girl haven’t heard since long from you, but hearing from Dexxie a lot. Anyways Congo for the win

Cairo: hey missin you. Stacie’s lot busy.

Joshan: messed your elbow. Shouldn’t go gym without your instructor.

Stacie: Sorry had been busy. Call you later.

Dexter: missing the daily dose of your message.

Joshan: bye sleeping beauty. Ur mom told abt ur accident. take care.

Joshan: hey I cannot go without sharing this, Befriended Sandra, she’s not ready for relationship. Yet.

There were lots of answered calls too. My mom would have voluntarily answered them.

I did not reply to any of the texts as the bruises were hurting. I wanted to get up and take some pain killing pills.

My parents had left for their work leaving a note for me on the fridge door.

“Sweety, hope you feeling good. Take care. Mom has cooked pasta. Eat it and take care. See you tonight. Will be home early.   – Dad”

I tried to stay back at home but it did not work. I was feeling further depressed so I went to college and then I’ll go and work at the library. If possible I would have some girly time with Essme. It’s been ages since we have shared our ties together specially after she started carrying on with Deren.

 First two classes were fine as I was extreme busy trying to cover up with missed notes due to the dance thing. On the start of third lecture, Essme came running to me with her blood red eyes. I could make it she had been crying since long.

I ignored the teacher and went to hug her and took her to the cafeteria. She hugged me tight all the while as if her life depended on me.

I cooed her and somehow convinced her to speak about what hurt her so bad.

“I broke.. up with … hmm   D…er… Deren.” She sad sobbing hysterically now.

“Okay okay I got it. Relax now.” I rubbed her back in circles giving my motherly act. I was kinda good at it. Solution of every emotional problem--that is me.

I handed her a box of tissues, “Do you want to speak further? It will make you feel better.”

“But he is your friend too.” She said hesitatingly.

“Does that deprive me of your friendship?” I said disappointed but I could make it she cannot think straight, she’s upset.

She hugged me again “I finished it off. I missed him so I tried to get back to him. I know he doesn’t enjoy with me now. Every time he was with me he would be a different person, not the one I fell for. So I b..b..broke up with him. But I want to be with him. I want to spend my whole life with him. I have been a fool to let him go.

“Aren’t you over thinking things?” I asked.

“No things are not dependant on my thoughts. It’s just that we two were not meant to be together. He’s always lost in his own world whenever he was with me. I tried to stretch it too long.

Now all I want is him. It’s been two months; I am trying to figure out his problem. But … it seems that I have lost my most precious thing. So I took the initiative and went up to him. But i was wrong. I should have tried harder. I wish I could rewind the time” Essme said after which she snuck her face in my neck and cried solemnly.

All I could do was rub her hair and say ‘Everything will be fine.”

I wish I had someone to do it for me too.

After an hour and couple of coffee and cookies, Essme felt better and decided to carry on with her life. She was an ambitious person and would get lost in her priorities soon.

 I on the other hand felt lonelier than ever. I knew Deren would also need me, so I went to look for him. I walked around the college occupied in my strings of thoughts about love, affairs , break ups, hurt and even unspoken love like mine.

 “Isn’t it out of the rules Pearly to bunk your lectures and roam around outside the college premises.” A huffed, breathing heavy voice called up to me.

 Whose is this voice?