Dad's death didn't come as a surprise; it was like my mind already accepted the fact that he was going to die before it happened.
Burial arrangements were made and everything was settled. Micheal planned everything and I was so grateful for that as I was more like useless to do anything.
The burial took place two days after his death. Micheal, a priest and some of my colleagues from work were in attendance. It was like my body was not functioning; I had a pretty good idea of what was going on but my body just wasn't cooperating right until when I was called upon to give my speech.
I hadn't practiced anything to say but I just had to say something so I got up and went right to the stage. I looked over to the audience and Micheal gave me an encouraging smile. That boosted me up a bit and I started.
"Dad was a very great man. He was my stronghold in times of weakness. I remember when mum died; he stayed far away from me going on business trips and all sorts of trips to occupy himself so as not to be reminded of his loss- our loss. Some people would say he didn't care but he did; in his own little way. He stayee away because I was already blaming myself for her death and seeing him grieving would have made my guilt worse. He was the best dad I could ever ask for; acting like a father, a mother and a best friend when I had none. Nobody knows my secrets and fears apart from my dad. He did all he could to make up for the loss of my mum and there are several moments with him that I totally forget we are not a complete family. He was my everything and I cannot imagine life without him in it. He was a completely selfless man who put the needs of others before him. Up to the point of his death; he never stopped. He wanted to make sure I would be ok when he's gone and he made sure of that. If there is anybody I would like to thank for making me who I am today; its my dad. He brought me up despite his work; always making time for me. I remember his last words; he said that death could take away our loved ones physically but can never erase their memories from our hearts and I agree with him because no matter what I would never forget him- he will always have a special place in my heart..... I paused to take a breath because my tears were making it hard for me to continue;
"Dad was not perfect but he was dad- he was himself; he never tried to be anyone he never was. I am so proud to be called his daughter and I think that's a privilege. I don't know why its the good people that have to die but one thing I know and I'm glad about is that he never got to suffer a painful death- he died being at peace with himself. He might be gone but I know he's still watching over me and I'll say this again and again- dad was and is still the best dad"
I left the stage in tears and Micheal was there to console me. I guess I just poured out my heart; something I would never be able to tell dad while looking at him. I wish there was just something I could have done to make it feel better.

                 -----------------------------
We got to the cementry and the environment gave me chills. It was dead and eerily quiet. Micheal was beside me to give me full support.
The casket was still open for the last time before it would be lowered into the grave and as I stared at dad's unmoving face, all my emotions gave way to pain.
"I wish I could have done more you know; if I have noticed earlier maybe he wouldn't have died, maybe he would still be here today Micheal. I feel like I failed him. If I had been more attentive to him maybe I would have seen the signs and have treated him faster. Seeing him here gives me this guilt" I said as I sobbed on Micheal's chest.
He kept on repeating that everything would be fine- but would it? My life was always filled with sorrow so I wouldn't put it past me that something else was going to happen- something terrible.
It was time to lower the body into the grave but I still wasn't ready. I placed the white roses I held on the body while holding his cold hands with massive tears streaming down my face. It seemed like crying is all I've been doing for these past few days or weeks; I couldn't even recall.
When it got too much for me to bear, I flung myself to him trying to hug him but a strong hand held me back. I struggled against that hold but I couldn't free myself as I watched as the casket got lowered into the ground- traces of my father going down into the earth. I wailed until my heart couldn't take it anymore- every sand that was thrown on the casket to fill up the hole reminded me that he was gone; gone forever.
I would never hear his laughter anymore, I would have breakfast and dinner with him anymore, I wouldn't have anyone to chat with in the house; most importantly- I wouldn't have a father anymore. The reality of that just dawned on me as I realized I was officially an orphan; no father, no mother; nobody. I was all alone once more.