When you ask me if I am okay, I can feel my whole body stop. I need a second to catch my breath, to regain my balance. Because I know what my usual answer would be. But I also know you wouldn't want me to lie to you. You want my truth and nothing but my truth and sometimes I am not sure if I can give that to you. I trust you. More than I trust myself. And I know you. You don't judge me, even on bad days. You always have my back. Still, I falter at the thought of telling you the truth. Because I want you to believe that I am okay. That I am getting better. And maybe I just want that to convince myself I am actually making progress. Because I am too hard on myself and we both know that, too. Because the thought of you worrying about me make me feel guilty. You have better things to do. 

So when you ask me if I am okay, and I say 'Yes, of course' with that small smile on my face, my eyes never quite catching yours, understand that I don't do this because I don't trust you. I do. And it is not because I like lieing to you. I hate nothing more. Its because I feel to guilty for not getting better my anxiety tells me to run. My head is screaming at me to change the  subject. I am sorry it still has to be that way.