LOST IT TO TRYING

CHAPTER SIX

Once again, Amora had been sedated and taken somewhere else. Thaddeus Greaves, the Death Eater who had found himself in charge of running the Hogsmeade Cauldronworks, had given her a brand new uniform, and some sanitary items, and sent her into a dormitory.

The dark robes were comfier than the former Azkaban uniform she had worn for the last month. For the first time in a long time, Amora was able to properly clean herself with soap, a hair-cleaning potion and hot water.

She took a deep breath as the Death Eater following her around pushed open the door to one of many dormitories. Amora swallowed thickly and forced herself to step inside the large room.

It almost felt like her dormitory back at Hogwarts— except all life and personality had been sucked from it. It was void of too many personal belongings, bunkbeds all dressed with matching dark sheets, bedside tables containing lamps and—

Books! Amora had missed books. Or having something to do in general. Her fingers itched to feel the curve of one of their spines.

Girls around her age sat on the beds. Amora found it hard to look them in the eye, very briefly scanning all of them over, hyperfocused on the Death Eater placing his hand on her shoulder and shoving her towards an empty bed which had been perfectly made.

"This one is yours," the Death Eater told her, "Get some sleep. You'll start early in the morning like everybody else."

There was a lump in her throat that stopped her from replying. For a moment, she stayed in silence, the room around her doing the same. She made a small cough and placed her sanitary items down on the top of her bed, pursing her lips.

"Hello," a voice came from above her.

A dark-skinned girl with curly locks and a gentle smile peered down from the bunk above Amora's. She had kind eyes, but more startingly, a huge white scar which crossed from her forehead, past her nose, and to her chin, grooving over her lips. Not too uncommon during times like these. Amora herself had acquired a scar of her own— right on her jawline.

"Hi," she replied, "I'm Amora. You?"

"Morgaine." Her voice was silk. "I'm your bunkmate, obviously. That's Lenox over there, that's Kathreen, Mindy's that one, the girl with the shaved head is Ravenna—"

"We can introduce ourselves, Morgaine," Ravenna said pointedly and swerved her body so she stood in front of Amora, a smirk written across her features. "Ravenna Hallow. A pleasure to meet you, Amora. They don't usually send such beautiful girls this way—"

Amora's eyes widened and she nearly choked. "Erm, thank you. I— I don't really—"

"She's not gay," a very familiar voice cut in, and Amora's ears pricked, her heart skipping a beat. Susan Bones sat at the bottom of one of the bunks, picking at her nails.

"Susan," Amora swallowed, "It's, erm, it's nice to see you again."

"You two know each other?" Morgaine raised her brows.

"Yeah, we were housemates at Hogwarts," Susan replied before Amora could part her lips.

Housemates was the word for it. Friends would be a large stretch. Amora could not remember the last time she had a civil conversation with the ginger-haired woman. Perhaps back in their fourth year of school, when they could just about tolerate each other.

"Oh, so you would know Kathy, then," another girl– Mindy?- said.

Amora's heart stopped. It panged, the image of a seventeen-year-old Kathy Redsoft burning behind her eyes like it often did. Blonde curls long and bouncy, cheeks rosy, lips always parted in a laugh. She smelt of vanilla and was warm like home.

The girl they pointed to did not look like Kathy Redsoft.

Amora dared her feet to move. They felt as though they were stuck to the floor. She forced one foot forward, and then the other. Slower than she would have liked, Amora stood at the bedside of her former housemate. All these years Amora had wondered about her. Now she didn't have to.

Kathy's curls had been cut short, damp around her clammy, pale face, eyes twitching beneath reddened, veiny eyelids. Her collarbones jutted out just above the bedsheets, scarily pointy, almost as sunken as her cheekbones.

"What happened?" Amora faced Susan, terror home in her brown eyes. "What happened to her, Bones?"

"She's been Crucioed so many times she can hardly talk anymore," Susan said glumly, casting a sympathetic look at the unconscious girl. "There's a Death Eater here, Maddens— you should watch out for him, and he keeps making advances on her. She refuses him every time. Every time she gets worse and worse."

Amora could have gagged. She nearly reached out and brushed Kathy's hair out of her face, an excuse to touch her and make sure this was real, but she did not want to disturb her rest. This may be the best Kathy has it— asleep.

Kathy suddenly twitched and her entire body jolted before she went back to withering underneath her bedcovers. Amora's head snapped to Susan.

"She does that a lot," Kathy's bunkmate sighed from above them. "Just ignore it the best you can."

"Do they not give her pain medication?" Amora asked with furrowed brows. "Potions? Why isn't she in a medical ward?"

Susan barked a laugh. "Why on earth would they do that?"

Amora opened her mouth but stopped. Susan's words settled her over like an unwelcome shower.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Susan said, "Thought you were with the Order."

Amora scrunched her nose and headed back for her bed. She sat on the mattress, running a hand through her hair. Her brain was whirling at a thousand thoughts per minute. She didn't know how to reply— she had not been expecting to see people she knew here. In a dormitory of about ten girls, what was the chance two would be former dormmates?

"I left them," Amora shrugged, "I was fed up with fighting for the losing side. Besides, I'm a Pureblood. I don't know what I was doing over there in the first place."

Susan smirked slightly. "Hm."

"And you, Bones?" Amora spat, face red at the judgemental look she was receiving. "What's brought you to the Dark Lord's side?"

"I've been here since day one," Susan hissed at her, "Because I am a Pureblood and I will not die trying to save Mudbloods who only knew our world existed when they turned eleven."

Amora pursed her lips, studied Susan's face, and did not see it falter. She saw the years of fear that made her eyes look older. Dark circles, fine lines, distant look. Amora glanced around the room at all of the girls and realised they all must be her age. She wondered how many of them were here because they genuinely believed in the cause and how many were merely trying to survive.

She couldn't ask them. They would only give her the same response Amora would have to give them. There was no way of being certain of who was on anyone's side.

"What brings you to the cauldronworks, Amora?" Morgaine asked in an attempt to break the tension that had thickened the air in the dormitory.

"I was sent here by the BMA," she said to her, settling on her bottom bunk, her eyes continuously drifting over to a twitching Kathy. "I didn't have a choice."

"Are you infertile, too?" Kathreen asked quietly, her hand instinctively moving to rub circles over her flat stomach.

"I- er, I don't think so," Amora said with a sympathetic edge. "I mean, I wouldn't know, but I think I'm fine."

"Oh," Kathreen sighed, and lay down on her pillow, staring up at the ceiling.

"Loads of the men don't court girls that can't give them heirs," Ravenna explained, "I don't know how much you know about this... world. You do have the right to decline courting a man, of course. Most of the time, anyway— unless they're high up or they've done something good for the army. Sometimes the Dark Lord offers to repay them however they wish. If they pick a girl, you might not have a choice."

Amora swallowed. Fear pricked her. She had made plenty of enemies in the Death Eaters. Even those who did not know her seemed to recognise the features of her mother. Lots wanted to hurt her because of her traitorous blood.

"But we all had the choice to come here or not," Ravenna said, smiling slightly around at the girls in the room. "It's a lot better than being out there under a man, I imagine. My father was killed three years ago and I didn't want to marry, so I came here. It's like a prison, but at least I've made friends and I get to sleep alone at night. That's good enough for me."

Amora desperately wanted to exclaim how backwards the Dark Lord's Britain was— to cry at how terrifying it was, and how painful it was that they underestimated women and girls so hugely. It was on the tip of her tongue. The urge to speak up. It was always there, she was sure it always would be, but she swallowed it with a furious expression and willed it to go away.

"Do we have a choice whether you can leave or not?"

"That's a bit harder," Lenox spoke up, placing her book down on her lap, and scratching the side of her head. "You need to be courted. As long as a man wants you, it's fine. Sometimes, men with wives take you in as maids or cooks or to help with their children. Merlin knows what actually goes on behind closed doors, though. That's why we stick here. No men."

"Just the way I like it!" Ravenna laughed.

Morgaine shoved her from where she had climbed down her bunk to sit beside the dark-haired girl.

"Laverna, would you like to introduce yourself to Amora?" Ravenna asked pointedly.

Amora realised there was another girl at the end of the room. She sat at the top of the bunk in the corner, a long dark curtain of hair nearly hiding her whole face. She didn't say anything but shoved herself further into her book, making a huffing sound.

"She's been here for a couple of weeks. She's a bit..." Ravenna lowered her voice, "Rude. Just ignore her."

Amora wasn't sure what to say or who to look at. Her gaze just trailed over to Kathy.

"You should know," Susan cleared her throat, and Amora thought Susan's blue eyes may just have grown glassy. "That Kathy is probably beyond repair. They don't even drag her out of bed to the factory anymore. If she even wakes up. Once she slept for two days straight. Sometimes I have to mush food into a drink and get her to sip at it like that."

Amora's hand moved to her chest, hoping it would calm the pounding of her heart. It clenched into a fist, her jaw tightening.

"Fuck," she whimpered, and she panicked when she felt herself breaking down for the first time since this had all started happening.

She scrambled to grab a ledge, fingers desperately trying to grip something, to stop herself from falling in, spiralling down, never to come back from the ordeal of crying in front of her new roommates, in a world where she was trying to be strong.

"Amora," Morgaine gasped, moving forward, hands inches away from holding her when Amora lurched backwards, her face curling.

"No!" Amora spat, "Don't touch me. Did I say you could touch me?"

Morgaine looked startled, stumbling back and keeping her hands up as if Amora was some sort of feral animal. She opened her mouth to apologise, but Amora glared harder, and started to Occclude, nearly sighing at the feeling of... nothing.

It was washing away. All the anxiety— the hatred, the fear. Vanishing. Trickling out of her brain through a hole, drifting away, leaving her mellow and calm, her chest lighter, her bones floating.

"I apologise," Amora said, "I would just rather be left alone. This has all been... quite overwhelming for me."

"I understand," Morgaine nodded, "Sorry."

However, after that, everything seemed to go quiet. Amora placed all of her sanitary items and toiletries into the drawer beside her bed and moved into the bathroom to change into her pyjamas. As soon as the door shut, she could hear the instant whispering and bickering, her eyes shutting.

"She was always like that at Hogwarts," Susan hissed, "She punched me in the face once. And a couple of our other housemates. Beware of her."

She rested her body against the door, hand on her heart, and prayed this would all mean something soon.

D.M + A.B

After two days at the Cauldronworks, Kathy was finally awake when the girls came back from work. It was there and then that Amora realised she was going to have to break some rules already.

Kathy did not seem to remember Amora. She did not utter a word and the expression was impassive on her face when Amora had sat on the edge of her bed and offered her a tin cup of water. She'd poured it carefully into Kathy's mouth, nearly tearing up as it leaked down her chin and onto her nightie, patting Kathy's matted curls. Kathy hardly moved, only when Susan took her into the showers to help her wash up and use the toilet.

One evening, Amora sat behind Kathy on the bed, like they used to when they were just girls growing up with one another and brushed her hair. It took ages to get all of the knots out of her curls, her heart sinking at the scabs on the back of Kathy's head, no doubt from hitting it so often when under the Cruciatus Curse.

Kathy remained motionless, as she did most of the day every day, but drummed her fingers slowly on the bed beneath them when Amora brushed at the nape of her neck. Amora gasped quietly and started to smile.

"You always asked me to brush there," Amora murmured, "Even when I said it was my turn for you to brush my hair, and my wrist was aching. You were so adamant about always having ten extra minutes."

Kathy said nothing.

"Do you remember when I used that spell to straighten your hair? How different you looked?" Amora chuckled, "I've always been envious of your curls, Kath. They're so beautiful."

Nothing.

Amora glanced around the room. The other girls were reading, only books which had been approved by the Ministry Amora came to find, and chattering away to one another, like this was school, like they weren't confined to the same few rooms day in and day out, forced to make the same potion a hundred times a day, aiding the side of a war which was killing innocent people.

"I will do something," Amora whispered to Kathy. "I love you, Kath. I didn't stop wondering about you. Neither did Leon or Pansy. I will do something."

Kathy made a small groaning sound. Her mouth opened, and a tiny noise came out. Amora squeezed Kathy's shoulder and went back to work brushing her hair.

"P..." Kathy mumbled, "Pa..."

Amora's heart lurched. "Pansy?"

It took Kathy about fifteen seconds to nod as if her body wasn't catching up with her brain. Amora smiled tearily, made sure nobody was looking, and wiped them away as fast as they came out.

Kathy was in there somewhere.

Amora brushed her hair every evening for three weeks. The days seemed to creep by slower and slower. Amora wondered if she would ever see the end of this. The same routine day in and day out was nearly as agonising as being trapped behind the prison cells at the verification centre.

She had been away from the Order for two months, and Amora was struggling to keep her thoughts neat. Occlumency seemed to do the trick, but her mind was understimulated here. It was hard to keep it strong when she made the same healing potion twenty times daily. She was sure she could do it with her eyes closed and no instructions by now.

There were days when she would not think about the Order one bit and that terrified Amora. She would think of Pansy, Blaise, and Leon and how much she missed them, but it was easy to forget why she was here sometimes and why she needed to keep on going. All she thought about was getting through each day and making sure Kathy was okay.

One evening, Amora realised, in a terrifying split second, that she could not picture Leon Holloway's face. She lurched up in bed, surrounded by nothing but darkness, her heart thumping so hard she was scared it would come out of her throat, and then only settled when dark brows framed dark eyes, and she saw his longer brown hair and tan skin.

That was Leon. She remembered Leon's face. How could she forget? Sleepiness and a lack of stimulation were not a good combination.

A few nights later, Kathy had woken the girls up because she was choking on her vomit. Amora had nearly screamed when she had pushed Lennox away to get closer to her old friend, turning her on her side, and smacking her on her back. Somebody was screaming for Death Eaters, who barged in immediately, and merely Scourgified her before letting her fall back asleep.

"Why don't they put her in a medical ward?" Amora asked them quietly during breakfast. "If she cannot even work. What use is she to them?"

"Medical wards are for important people, to put it bluntly," Kathreen said, "We are not important. We are easily replaceable. They keep her here because we look after her. Less labour for them."

"But... is death not better if they can't do anything for her?"

Amora was shot with horrified looks. Some of them looked furious. A couple of them seemed like they may have thought it once or twice themselves.

"I don't want her to die," Amora hissed, "But I don't want her to be in pain. I don't want her to live like this."

Susan shrugged. "She has a uterus, Buckley. Which works. They keep her around in case she gets well enough to have one or two."

Amora shoved her toast away from her. "I feel sick."

"They won't give her anything for the pain," Morgaine said with a frown. "We've begged. We've tried everything."

"Have you ever..." Amora hesitated, "Taken her a healing potion from the factory?"

Susan laughed loudly. "Seriously, Buckley? Are you joking me?"

"No," Amora spat, "Not at all. She's in agony all of the time."

"Well, we know that," Susan said, "But good fucking luck sneaking anything past the Death Eaters or the Oathkeepers. Do you realise why they pat us down after every shift? So we don't steal their goods."

"We could try something," Amora whispered, "Hatch some sort of plan to sneak a potion out. If it made her feel better for even ten minutes..."

"That's suicidal," Susan scoffed, "A one-way ticket to end up just like her. Count me out."

"I'll help."

Everybody was startled by the unfamiliar voice. Laverna edged closer from her spot at the end of the table, pushing her dark hair out of the way and pursing her lips apprehensively.

"I can cause a commotion when they're checking us," she said. "You can sneak it through."

"Suicide," Susan hissed at her.

Amora's lips only tugged upwards in a small smile.

D.M + A.B

It took just over a week to figure out the finer details. Amora and Laverna had to wait until the youngest Oathkeeper the factory had was on duty. He had an eye for the girls— most likely fresh out of Hogwarts with a great lack of experience. He was clumsy and he stammered over his words sometimes.

He was the weakest of the lot.

The witches took their usual spaces behind their designated potion stations and got to work at their healing potions. Amora had two on the go at once. A difficult task, and tedious to hide from the Oathkeeper who roamed in and out of the girls. He seemed too distracted by Lennox to make as many rotations as other Oathkeepers did. He kept trying to talk to her, and Lennox didn't mind the attention.

Once Amora had brewed her first successful potion of the day, she tucked the vial into her sleeve, securing it into the hairband around her wrist. For the rest of the nine hours, Amora kept her head down and worked quicker than ever to make the minimum ten potions required daily.

She pursed her lips, glancing continuously at the clock at the end of the room, massive and ticking, mocking her, her hands so clammy she kept nearly dropping her equipment. Amora glanced across the room at Laverna who sent her a small nod.

"Finish up on your last potion then line up at the door," the Oathkeeper barked.

Amora wiped the sweat off of her forehead. She placed the vials into a tray and brought them to the table they always placed them on. A different Death Eater stood there. He solely turned up each evening to collect the potions and leave. Amora wasn't worried about his presence.

She was, however, concerned when Laverna walked over with a tray with just one potion inside. It was deep red in colour and seemingly bursting to get out of its glass confinement. She put it down next to Amora's and smirked.

"How is this for a distraction, Death Eater scum?" Laverna hissed at her.

Amora's eyes widened in horror. She felt as if she had fallen through ice, her entire body filling with such dread that she nearly couldn't open her mouth.

Deadman's Draught. It was as serious as it sounded. Rebellion members were notorious for using it. There was a time a few years ago when Deadman attacks were happening so often that it was not killing just Death Eaters, but innocent people– even Muggles.

Amora stumbled backwards, nearly falling flat on her backside, scrambling to get away as Laverna stabbed one of the knives they used from the potion stations through the neck of the Death Eater. The room filled with screams as the Death Eater choked and spluttered, falling backwards as crimson blood spurted everywhere, coating everything in its radius.

"What the fuck!" Lennox screamed a sob, backing away from Laverna who was quickly climbing onto the table. She kicked the healing potions off and held her draught high above her head.

"If you attack me, the vial drops and we all die," Laverna growled at the Oathkeeper pointing his wand at her.

Amora's heart was hammering. She edged to the back of the room. Even if she made it out of the door, the chain reaction that the potion created would not ensure her safety. Deadman's Draught would produce shockwaves which would not stop until they stopped reacting with potions and other magical objects. The entire building was going to crumble.

There would be nothing left of the room she stood in and she supposed that must be Laverna's objective. Take out the Death Eaters and destroy their entire supply of healing potions, including their warehouse.

"Snap your wand in half," Laverna said, seething. "Now. Or I fucking drop it this second!"

Amora shook as the Oathkeeper cursed and did as he was told. The sound of the wood snapping echoed inside the warehouse, alongside the whimpers and cries of witches. Amora didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Two and a half months in, she had been subjected to nothing but torture and imprisonment, and now she was to be murdered by a rebellion member in a suicide attack. She desperately wanted to scream that she was not with the Death Eaters, she did not believe in blood supremacy, but she knew how much of a lie that would sound— and the distaste rebellion members often had for Order members. After all, there was a reason rebellion groups had formed. They disagreed with the way the Order handled things.

Some rebellion groups were a lot more violent. Some sent suicide bombers to places like this.

The irony.

"Amora, open the potion cupboards," Laverna ordered, jerking her hand at the cabinets behind Amora. "Empty all of the potions."

Laverna planned on destroying every single one. Amora swallowed, opening the metal cabinet and yanking out every shelf. She tipped them upside down, watching each life-saving vial tumble out and smash to the floor at her feet, bubbling away. Only when she had emptied the first cabinet did Amora realise why Laverna had her getting rid of them.

It was made of dragonsteel. Impossible to destroy with magic, designed to protect its contents from any sort of attack or accident. She looked at the tight space inside and realised it was large enough for her to fit.

Amora clenched her jaw and prayed Merlin would forgive her for not helping the others. There was no possible way that she could help them.

"This is for the Muggleborns," Laverna seethed, waving the potion in her hand, not missing the gasps and cries. "This is for the Muggles and the creatures senselessly murdered by your army. Because you have continued to make these healing potions that aid the side committing genocide! Some of you do not believe in the cause, and you are here because you are cowards— you don't care about the outcome of this war so long as you survive. I want you to know that you are just as bad as they are. You have caused just as much damage as the ones who wear the masks and do the killings. Today marks a day in history, where I make things a little bit more right again. If you are here, you have chosen your side; you've made your bed, and now I will make you lay in it. The only way to cleanse the rot is to burn it out. For freedom!"

There were horrified screams as Laverna started to unscrew the potion. Amora did not hesitate to dive into the cabinet, her heart in her throat, her hands yanking as quickly as she could to grasp at the lock inside and pull both doors shut. Her body curled small, her trembling hands just pulling it in time as she heard the glass smash and the first explosion— screams and cries, and then another explosion, and another, and another, and another...

Amora couldn't help but scream. She buried her head in her arms and for the first time in a very long time, she screamed and she cried and she cursed the world she had been born into. Her head was ducked in her knees as explosions rattled on the cabinet, warming it and rattling it and nearly bursting her eardrums.

Amora cried and sobbed and the rattling did not stop for what felt like hours, but must have been minutes. Explosion after explosion sounded, slowly getting further and further away until it was in the distance, but she could still hear it. Amora was scared to open the cabinet door, even when she was sure the room would not experience another shockwave. The silence that followed the explosions was almost worse.

Her heart stopped when she felt the potion bottle tucked in her sleeve slide down. She grabbed it and held it tight. She could not expose it to the air outside— it would immediately blow up in her face.

Amora popped off the top and drank the potion she had brewed for Kathy. Kathy who was now dead. Kathy, who had felt nothing but pain for months leading up to her last moments.

Amora chugged it and managed to taste the saltiness of her own tears, too. Oddly enough, this was the one moment that she had felt the most like herself in months. Nobody was around to accuse her of being a spy, she did not have to pretend that she sympathised with the Death Eaters. Everybody was dead. It was just her— and perhaps anybody else that had managed to think up an escape route at the last second.

She closed her eyes and lay her head against the inside of the warm container. She supposed she would have to wait for somebody to come and find her.

Merlin knows what was going to happen to her after this. 

...

hmmm... did somebody say something about a certain malfoy turning up in the next chapter????

 the wait is nearly over!!! I'm so exciteddddd

thank you for reading, i hope you enjoyed it <3

dyiansobrien 

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