Milo

I walk in silence to the car, my mind churning over what ifs. My life could've been so different. Things with Callum could've been better.

"I've got something to tell you," I tell Callum once I've pulled out of the drive.

"Is this about Nia? Because I kinda already know."

"No." I frown as I drive. I had been expecting more judgement when my friends found out about my feelings for Nia. I brush that aside and get back to what's really bugging me. "It's about my thirteenth birthday."

Callum frowns as if he doesn't know what I'm talking about.

"The time you and Ruby got me spiderman and I snapped it and threw it in your face."

"Oh, yeah. That summer fucking sucked."

I don't mention that he's had to spend every summer since without me. I know he's made other friends now too, but I've not been around when I should've been.

I release a heavy breath and brush my hair back off my face. It needs cutting again. The long strands at my neck cling to me when I play sports. "I'm sorry."

"It's cool. I forgot about that a long time ago."

"You need an explanation." We've reached our destination so I park the car but continue to stare out the windscreen across the empty car park.

"I don't need anything from you, Milo. We're brothers."

"You deserve one." I stare out at the boarded up abandoned superstore. "Mum made me a cake. You remember how we were obsessed with Spiderman. It was perfect. She made an absolute mess and when Dad came home he went ballistic." I thumb at the steering wheel as I try not to let the memory overwhelm me. But for some reason, it doesn't. Telling Callum seems to nullify the power of the memory. "He threw it in the bin and said I didn't deserve it."

"Jesus." Callum's low grumble vibrates through the car.

"There's more, but that's the jist of it."

"No wonder you threw the game back at me. I'd have done the same."

I let out a humourless laugh. There's no way Callum would've thrown anything back in my face. "He's been like that my whole life. But he changed jobs not long after Katy was born and he was around more. It got worse."

Callum plays with his fingers without looking at me. A nervous habit. "I know you probably don't want to hear this now, but you could've come to me. You still can."

"I know. Thank you. I struggled with that for a long time. But it's part of why I dragged you out today."

"So why are we here?"

"We have some photos to take."

***

I haven't seen Nia since I returned to school this week. Her usual art table remained empty for the whole three hours of each session, and I returned back to the window. I know she's here. Ruby told me she was still in her history lessons.

So either she's avoiding art or me. And since I know how much she loves painting, I know it's me she's trying to avoid.

I find myself heading to the places we used to hang out trailed by Callum. But each location doesn't hold the memories I expect them to. They don't bring back any part of Nia. Instead, I feel like I'm further away from her.

I see the mistakes I made. The times I failed to tell her how I really felt. The times I hid her from everyone else. The times I thought only of myself.

Callum works with me in complete silence. He knows what I'm after. And he knows how each one is breaking me just a little bit more.

I stare at the photo that Callum took for me, and I nod, confirming I'm happy this is my final shot. I close my eyes against the pain in my chest, hoping by doing so I can stop the pain spreading further through my body.

I just want to talk to her. I want to understand what went wrong. I want to fix what I broke.

When I open my eyes, Callum isn't around. And I'm alone.

Because even though I have people helping me, I don't have the one person who really matters.

Natalie peers up at me from where she's propped some sort of history revision on her lap. She can tell I'm not concentrating on my biology. My phone has locked itself from the notes I was staring at, and I haven't written anything for a while. I can't concentrate. I've opened up a gaping wound by chasing memories of Nia around this school.

"You free at all this week?"

I glance around the subdued room. This close to exams, the air is buzzing with stress. There's no laughter or light chatter, and the silence is almost painful to sit in.

"Now?" I'm keen to distract my mind and leave this tense room. Now I know I'm no longer putting Katy in danger, I'll accept Natalie's offer. Probably mostly out of boredom.

Natalie keeps her gaze on me before she shrugs and rearranges herself to lean up to me. Her lips brush mine, but my eyes don't close quick enough, and I spot the swish of vivid red hair at the corner of my eye.

I jerk my head up away from Natalie, who collides with my jaw. I ignore her angry grumbling and stare at Nia across the room. She wrinkles her nose up at me, and an amused smile fills my face because I wonder if it's any PDA she hates or me kissing another girl.

Nia turns to the water fountain with her bottle, and I freeze.

Why the hell is Nia in the common room?

She's never in here. She's a creature of habit. She doesn't explore anything new.

My gut churns, and I get to my feet. I know I'm possibly overthinking her actions, but what if something's wrong?

Natalie falls heavily to the cushion behind me, and I weave through the chairs to reach Nia. She doesn't look up at me when I approach her.

"Nia." I keep my tone low in line with the general hum filling the room.

She waits for her bottle to finish filling and lifts it to her lips as she turns.

When she turns, whatever I had been about to say gets lodged in my throat at the sight of her.

Her eyes and cheeks are swollen, far more than usual. A new darkness circles her eyes, and her red and puffy lips part with a small gasp. Her eyes scan my face, and her hand lifts between us. I drop my gaze to her hand before she lowers it, and disappointment drops through me like lead.

"Are you okay?" Her voice breaks as her eyes fill with tears. She shakes her head and blinks away the moisture.

"It looks worse than it is. It doesn't hurt anymore." That's a part of the truth. My nose is still tender.

"Your dad?" It comes out barely a whisper as if she's scared of asking. I want to reach out to her to tell her I'm okay. I want to fold her in my arms and erase all her pain.

But I don't know what she wants from me.

I shake my head, and she physically sags as she releases a heavy breath.

"Kieran Smith."

She frowns, but her face doesn't hold long before it slacks. Her eyes droop, and she sways. This time, I don't hesitate to cup her elbow to steady her. I lift my hand to her cheek, and she leans into the touch. Her face softens as her eyes lock with mine.

"Nia, are you okay?" I smooth my hand down her cheek and lift her face so I can look at her better. She's wearing skin makeup she doesn't usually wear, blocking out all of her freckles. To hide what? "You don't look well."

"I'm fine, Milo." She fires her words at me. Her eyes flick behind me, and she jerks her chin out of my hold. "I don't need your pity."

She turns to stride out of the common room and I turn back to my friends in the corner. Natalie's gaze is resting on the door, a puzzled expression filling her face. I figured if Callum knew, they all knew. Callum jerks his head at the door, and Ruby flips her hands, indicating to me to follow.

I take their silent advice and follow Nia out of the room. I catch the swish of red ducking into a room further down the corridor as the door swings shut. Without hesitation, I follow in after her.

"What do you want, Milo?" Nia leans away from me slightly, resting her hand on the sinks as support.

"I just wanted to apologise."

"For what?"

I stumble as I think back to what I'm convinced was the turning point.

I have so much I want to apologise for.

"I've been thinking too long about myself, and I didn't stop to think about what you wanted or needed."

Nia flinches at my words. She shakes her head and opens her mouth to speak so I stop. But she doesn't say anything.

"What is it?" I ask.

She takes a deep breath and shakes her head again. "Nothing. Go on."

"I shouldn't've kissed you on my birthday or told you how I feel. I should've believed you when you told me about Mr Pickford. I never should have told you who you can or can't talk to. I should know better than anyone that that's not okay. I'm sorry for all of it, Nia."

Tears sit on her lower lids when I've finished, and I hate that her emotions can flip so quickly in my company. I can see in her eyes alone all the pain I caused her. She stays silent, peering up at me with narrowed lips as she stops the tears from falling. But when she blinks, they fall.

I want to fold her into my arms. I want to wipe away those tears and kiss her pain away. I want everything to be okay.

But I'm not sure it will be anymore.

"Talk to me, Nia. It's what we do. Why are you avoiding me?"

"You know why." Despite being filled with venom, her voice is thick with tears.

"I don't think I do."

"I can't blow up every time we fall out, Milo." She closes her eyes, but it does nothing to stop the tears. "It's too much. I can't see you like that again."

"So, this isn't to do with me only focusing on myself." I take a step towards her, almost fuelled by some deluded sense of hope. I don't understand what she's saying, but she's talking to me. She's opening up like we always do. That has to mean something, right?

Even if it means just staying as friends.

"Is part of it, yes." She scrubs at her cheeks, wiping away the moisture. "I don't have the strength to get into fights like that."

"That's not me, though. That's not who I am."

Nia presses her lips together again as more tears slide down her face. I take a step towards her. Failing being able to express how we feel, a hug has always been the next best option.

But as I close the space, she rests a hand on my chest.

"Milo, don't." She peers up at me with a look of determination on her face, which is ruined by her broken eyes. "It's too much."

"What can I do?"

She shakes her head and holds my gaze.

"There's nothing you can do." She steps around me and places a hand on the door.

"Nia, please."

She pauses for a second without turning around before pushing out the door and what feels like out of my life for good.