~15~
"Did your son ever live here with you?" I asked after a while, not wanting to believe that his own son would abandon him. He did not deserve that.
"Yes, he did," Vlad admitted, making me feel better. At least he had someone he cared about by his side in this long and apparently dismal life.
"After he had had enough of being a vampire, a slave of his addiction to human blood like the others, he came here asking me to teach him to live a normal life, or as close to normal as possible, again. It took me long enough to do so, and having him around changed me. We started frequenting a few others of our kind. Even though I preferred solitude, I couldn't close my son here with only myself and a few servants and knights for company. He was young and needed to socialise," Vlad said, his eyes full of memories of what probably was the better part of his long existence. "He saved me as much as I saved him, I suppose." He shrugged.
"And yet, when you met him today, you acted as if you were not happy to see him!" I exclaimed.
"You are right. That wasn't nice of me. He appeared at the wrong moment. I meant to tell you about him before you two would meet, but I was afraid you wouldn't forgive me." Vlad looked at me inquiringly, as if he still wasn't sure of my reaction, then added, "Young Vlad helped me pull through my darkest moments."
Vlad traced his cool finger along the contours of my face gently, lighting thousands of little fires under my skin, drawing all my blood into my face again. He smiled at my obvious reaction to his touch. It was very distracting, and I wondered if he wanted me to forget what we were talking about... What was he saying? I started to relax slowly, feeling that our serious talk was coming to its end.
"I guess my son is the only reason I didn't go mad over the centuries of my life without you," he said, sighing heavily, his voice wistful again.
"I'll have to thank him then," I announced, resolved, "maybe you should make him stay here with us now. He could live here, the castle is big enough..."
"I heard that you two have already gotten to know each other," he interrupted me mid-sentence, "Young Vlad wisely pointed out that the spiral staircase might be a dangerous place for you-- anyone who knows this castle could use it as an access to your chamber. Here," he said, taking a large skeleton key from his pocket. "I locked it, but the key is yours. You're not a prisoner here. However, I beg you, Samara, be careful when any of the guests are around. Make sure to lock it every time, and don't hesitate to call the knights if you need anything while I'm not here."
Taking the key from his palm and placing it next to us on the wooden bench, I nodded silently, not knowing what to say. His words reminded me again that it was really dangerous for me to be here, but to me, it didn't feel so. This was my home. I felt very safe right now.
I observed the glowing embers in the fireplace. The flames dancing around them were much lower now, and the small pieces of burning wood looked like shiny, dazzling amber. After a while, Vlad pulled me back from my reverie, returning to our previous conversation. He placed his hand under my chin, making me look away from the fire and into his eyes.
"You never stop surprising me, you know? Wouldn't you really mind having my son around your house?" he asked cautiously, looking... Was it guilt in his eyes?
"Of course I wouldn't," I said, meaning it. "How could I? He is your son, and even though I'm not his mother, I'm glad you have him. It doesn't matter that you have married again... and he is another woman's child..." I started stumbling over my words, overcome by emotions, incredibly jealous of the other woman who had given him a son. It should have been me, not her. But I had to finish. "I can't even imagine how hard it all must have been for you!"
He cupped my face, caressing my warm cheeks with his cool thumbs, trying to read my mind through my eyes. His own eyes were full of remorse and other feelings I could not decipher. But love, his love for me was there, stronger than anything else, and even more present than before.
"So you forgive me? After all the things I have told you, all the bad things...?" he asked, his voice low and husky.
"There's nothing to forgive," I assured him.
Then he kissed me, deeply and urgently, as if his life depended on that one kiss. My body felt warm and shivery at the same time under his touch, and when I finally pulled away for breath, I felt dizzy, unable to speak.
"I think you should try to get some sleep. It's very late," he said, helping me to my feet.
I jumped at feeling the sudden coldness of the stone floor, realising I was still barefooted after the bath. He noticed and scooped me up again, carrying me over to my bed so fast I barely noticed. There, he seemed to hesitate for a moment, then sat down in the chair by my side.
It was not fair, I didn't seem to affect him half as much as he was affecting me. Or he just had better self-control; he had had enough time to learn to behave. But I was not having this, him sitting on the chair next to my bed. We belonged together. As close as possible together.
I moved over to the side, leaving enough space on the large bed for him. He seemed to hesitate and struggle with himself again before he removed the warmer from under the covers and joined me.
I breathed out contentedly, snuggling as close to him as I could, resting my head on his shoulder. He kissed me gently on top of my head, then, hesitatingly, as if fighting against his better judgement, started trailing featherlight kisses from my forehead to my temple, then all the way down to my chin. I trembled when his lips reached my neck, his cool breath sending pleasant shivers down my spine where his large, cool hands were moving slowly up and down, pulling me closer to his body, the touch so pleasant through the linen of my shirt, that I couldn't wait to feel them on my bare skin. I gasped in anticipation and moved closer yet, my own hands starting to explore his broad chest, his strong, muscular arms.
A sudden sense of déjà vu knocked the breath out of me, making me freeze. This was our wedding night, all over again. I closed my eyes, reliving the memory behind my closed eyelids. But it wasn't just our wedding night that my unpredictable and uncontrollable memory was making me relive.
A new remembrance came unbidden, chilling me through like the fresh layer of snow covering the countryside outside. We had been further than this, back then. It was just a fleeting thought, I couldn't be sure, but... I might have been... pregnant... back then. And he had never known, I had told no one. He had been gone already when... Stop. You'll never know for sure.
I opened my eyes and found him watching me, perfectly motionless, his eyes filled with anxiety.
"What's wrong?" he asked softly, but I only shook my head in response. I could not tell him. Not now.
I was still flushed, my breathing shallow, erratic, my heart pounding loudly. But the chill from what I had just remembered was spreading fast through my body, penetrating bone deep.
He sighed deeply, kissed me on the forehead, then wound his arms tightly around me. I could not even move in his embrace. When my pulse slowed down and I thought that I could speak without my voice breaking, I whispered, feeling embarrassed, hoping that the dying fire would not reveal my blush. "I'm sorry. I ..."
My voice was just a whisper as I struggled to find the right words to express my feelings without hurting his, and at the same time, without revealing too much.
"No. I'm sorry, Samara. I can't keep away from you even though I know I have no claim over you, not this time."
You already have my heart and soul, what else is there to claim!... I wanted to shout.
"There must be someone waiting for you out there, in your other life, and once this is over, when you'll go back..." His voice trailed off.
I wanted to shake him hard and scream that there was no one for me apart from him anywhere. He completely misunderstood my behaviour. But maybe it was better, just for this moment, as I was not ready to explain myself.
"Does it really have to finish?" I asked instead, as calmly as possible, my forehead pressed into his chest, my hands closed in fists around the fabric of his shirt. I was still fighting my urge to shake him.
He spoke after a few moments of silence, only interrupted by the crackling of the wood burning on the hearth. I knew what he would say before the words left his lips.
"Samara, I don't deserve you. Not anymore. I'm not the same man you've left behind. Nothing here is the same. I'll never forgive myself. You mustn't stay here, to be stained by what I have done and become. Your place is somewhere else now. I must let you go back."
I had already heard this part, far too many times. I pressed my finger to his lips to silence him, then turned round, facing away from him to hide my silent tears. I was not going to argue about this again, not now, but I was not going to let him take me back. Not without a fight.
Not allowing myself to think about his apparently unshakeable decision, my thoughts shifted back to my newly found memory. The thought was worming itself in my brain, snaking its way deeper and lower, spreading towards my heart, like poison. I only realised that my tears became silent sobs shaking my whole body, when Vlad pulled me closer, closing his protective arms around me so tightly that I could hardly breathe.
"Samara, please, don't cry," he murmured.
"Just hold me, don't say anything," I whispered, my voice shaking. My heart, like my voice, was breaking at the thought of what had happened to us before and about having to live without him again. Right now, I wasn't sure I could ever go on on my own.
At length, my tears dried up, my sobs ceased, and I relaxed in his embrace. It had been such a long day, and now I felt exhausted. My thoughts were slowly morphing into first dreams when I heard Vlad's soft voice reaching me in the darkness behind my closed eyelids.
"Samara, would you tell me something? I've been wanting to know for so long, but if it's still painful for you..." I could feel his lips move close to my ear, and his nearness made me feel better. I sighed and nodded, too sleepy to open my mouth to speak.
"That day, when you... died..." he started. His voice broke over the last word, but soon, he forced himself to continue. "Why did you leave the castle alone? You knew it was dangerous; the enemies were so close. I never expected you to stay inside all the time, even though I wished you would. Listening to me, complying with my requests, had never been one of your many virtues. But if you wanted to go for a ride, you should have taken the knights I left here for your protection with you."
His voice started to escalate towards the end, and even though I was half asleep, I could feel how upset he still was about the events of that day. And I could see why-- if only I had stayed in that morning and waited for him to come back, our life might have been completely different. Our child might have been born. I could picture the two of us growing old together, happy, surrounded by children. It was such a beautiful vision...
"Samara, why?" His voice brought me back again from the land of dreams and unfulfilled wishes.
"The letter," I said, surprised that my sleepy mind remembered, "there was the letter. It said you were in danger, kept hostage somewhere, and they would only release you if I delivered the ransom in the forest, alone... And then they killed me without saying a word, I didn't even see them..." It was all so unfair. Even through the daze of sleep, I felt angry and frustrated, and a couple more tears escaped my eyes.
Vlad tensed next to me, the change in him compelling me to turn around again. He kissed me, wiping the tears away with the back of his hand.
"So it was all because of me. Even that is my fault. My love has never done you any good."
"No, please don't. Falling in love with you then and being back here now, still feeling the same way, is the best thing that has ever happened to me."
He shook his head, unconvinced. "Do you know who did it?"
"I didn't see anyone. I only remember the pain," I said, bringing my hand to the side of my neck instinctively.
I was sure Radu had a big part in it, but I just couldn't accuse him without having proof. As Vlad had said, his brother was one of those who helped him after. He deserves a chance to explain. Maybe it had all been a mistake, an accident...
"Sleep, my love, it's late," Vlad murmured softly in my ear, and as on cue, I started drifting off to sleep again, reliving more memories of our previous life in my dream.
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