1 YEAR LATER

dan's gaze flickered to his right then his left like a dying flame, double checking to make sure no one was looking at him before dumping a good half of the contents of his little plastic container out on his tongue. the cinnamon burned and he scrunched up his nose, pressing the overly dry powder to the roof of his mouth with his tongue. 

"that's not gonna work, you know." 

dan jumped, his hand flying to his heart on instinct, startled by the unexpected low voice behind him. 

"oh, jesus," he breathed, staring into jackson's scintillating, mildly scrutinizing eyes. he was grinning at him, leaning against the lockers as if he'd been standing there all along. dan figured he must have come around the corner when his guard had been down. "d-don't do that. asshole."

his grin only broadened, and he shoved some blonde hair off of his lowered brow. "see? it isn't working, you're stuttering." 

dan glared at him before readdressing his frown to the floor below him. "it's gonna work. i read it somewhere." 

"gave up on stuffing your mouth with bubblegum, did you?"

"yes. it just made me slur. but cinnamon's supposed t-to, to actually work..."

jackson tapped his chin with his thumb teasingly, making him lift his face. he was always doing things like that, and it took him by surprise every single time. "oh yeah? i guess we'll see, then." he could tell he didn't believe it for a second.

sometimes, when he touched him casually and his face dazzled at the sight of dan's confusion, he wanted to lean up and kiss him right on the mouth. just to get him back. just to see that shocked look on his face for a change. 

if he ever gained the motivation to do that, he knew just what he'd say: see, jackson? i can be confusing too.

not that they were anything more than friends. he didn't really want to kiss him. he'd only ever wanted to kiss one person.

anyways - dan really hated confusing people.

as if he'd conjured him from thin air, dan felt a warm hand touch his waist and a fleeting breath on the nape of his neck... and subsequently watched jackson's expression darken in distain.

"hey, dan," phil said, his smile tight and dripping in tacky courtesy and unuttered intention. dan pursed his lips and looked away, trying to mask his smile. "...jackson." 

jackson's eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms, his shoulder still shoved against the blue lockers. "phil."

it was a rare occasion that dan caught jackson without a blinding smile on his face... but it was a practically constant occurrence when phil was around. clearly, they didn't like each other very much, but dan very pointedly chose not to think too hard about it. it didn't seem like any of his business. 

phil cleared his throat and subtly hooked his thumb into the winding lilac ribbons dan had done through the belt loops of his jeans. dan finally turned to look at him.

he looked particularly exceptional today... it made dan's eyes sting to even set eyes on him. his face was clear, his dark hair tossed and messy and his pink lips pulled up the smallest bit in a smirk. dan poked his tongue out between his teeth when phil's eyes shifted to meet his. 

"what are you up to?" he asked, his gaze never faltering. dan swallowed stiffly, ignoring the itch in his throat from the cinnamon he'd had stored on his tongue.

"nothing," he whispered. 

phil nodded sharply. "good. i gotta talk to you for a sec." 

dan fought back a broad grin, just barely keeping it from spreading across his face like the flame of a house fire. he knew what that meant.

"but..." jackson protested, his voice dripping incredulous surprise. "dan... you were gonna come over this afternoon." 

oh, right. shit. they had just gotten out of their last class, and it was wednesday... the day he usually went home with jackson to study and watch movies on his bedroom floor. it was a beloved tradition, but phil was quite literally breathing down his neck, and...

dan weighed his options. on the first hand, he had making his best friend happy and getting a little homework done (he was really falling behind lately, he wasn't quite sure why)... and pissing off phil in the process, leaving himself anxious and twitchy for the following week at the very least. on the other hand, he could go talk with phil, and make jackson sad...

but jackson would get over it, right? he would understand. he cared about him enough to understand, surely. 

it was clear which hand dan was leaning towards... but, if he was honest, when didn't he lean towards phil, no matter the counter? 

he sighed, chewing on his lip and smiling at jackson sheepishly. "can't we reschedule?" 

"reschedule?" jackson echoed, his jaw dropping. guilt started to burn in dan's stomach, the heat of the crackling flame reaching for his cheeks, but phil slid his hand into his back pocket and the flame died down. "dan, we do this every week..." 

"i know, i'm sorry..."

jackson's gaze jumped between them, and dan swore he saw his jaw tighten for just a split second before he relaxed again, his smile making a recrudesce, a little dimmer than usual.

"yeah, okay. lets reschedule. i'll see you later."

dan took a deep breath, puffing air into his cheeks, the guilt flooding back stronger than ever. "jackson..." 

"i'll see you later," he repeated, his demeanor even stiffer than before. he shoved off the lockers, and dan stared at the back of his jersey as he stormed away from them. 

as soon as he was gone, phil was on him, wrapping his arms around his waist and kissing his shoulder blade. dan understood why he was being touchy... the hall had cleared out since class had ended, leaving only the students in after school clubs or on their way to some kind of practice, individually tucked into their classrooms or locker rooms. the school was nearly entirely empty. 

he'd gained confidence in the past year; they both had; ever since that first day that they hooked up in dan's room. it was like he didn't care what people thought and cared the most out of anyone at the exact same time. he was so bold, but every move was intricately calculated to make sure that his ego stayed safe. he could've fooled any bystander, but it didn't trick dan. he was on to him. 

it got confusing, but it was nothing he hadn't dealt with.

dan turned to face him, letting him brush his fingers down his sides, drawing out a shiver. "i t-think he's really mad at me..." 

phil shrugged, dipping in to kiss his jaw. "so what? he'll get over it." 

that didn't convince him, but phil's mouth on his skin sure was a compelling argument. "but what if he doesn't?"

"then good," phil snapped, his voice low and soft. "he sucks anyways, you don't need him."

dan frowned, tangling his fingers in his grey shirt and pushing him away gently. "he doesn't suck, p-phil. he's my best friend. d-don't be, don't be mean."

phil pulled away and grinned, and the pinkness in his face and the shininess on his lips after having them against dan's chin drove him a little more crazy than usual. jesus, he was such a lost cause... he wasn't even sure how he'd been able to argue with him this long. he probably would've agreed with phil if he told him two-plus-two equaled five. 

phil planted his hand on the locker next to dan's head, his grin unrelenting, boring into dan's scull.

"you're stuttering again. that means i'm right."

"that's not what t-that means, and you know it."

phil's eyes flickered over his face, and dan found himself holding his breath. phil grabbed his hand, and dan's lungs ached for oxygen, but he continued to deprive them until he looked away again.

"come on. bathroom." 

the boy's bathroom in the back of the school was a frequented location for them, at least when they did this at school... (their usual choice of hookup spot was dan's bedroom after his parents had gone to sleep). it was the least used room in the building, and it had a broken door that you could jam shut if you pushed at it the right way. 

dan found himself staring at the back of his head as he did just that once he'd ushered him into said bathroom, zoning out. 

the back of phil's head reminded him of meadows. it made him think of vast fields filled with tall green grass, and littered with daisies and dandelions. dan bit his lip, stepping forward and drawing his fingertips through his soft hair, his hands trembling in anticipation. 

far too quickly his fantasy was torn away from him as phil turned, grabbing his wrist. but then he leaned in and kissed him on the mouth, and a whole new fantasy began. 

he felt himself being backed up against the counter, all of his senses hyper focused on phil's crazy-soft mouth on his. phil grabbed his thighs, lifting him up, the cold tiles startling him when they skimmed against the small area of exposed skin above his waistband.

"mm, you taste like cinnamon."

dan blushed, ignoring him. "what b-brought this on?" he managed to whisper against his mouth, his breath hitching when phil only took this opportunity to trail his lips down to his throat.

"you just look nice today," he whispered back, and dan shivered. he was only wearing basic faded blue jeans, held up by his purple ribbon, and a white button up that had somehow come untucked in his time near phil. the thought that only an outfit as simple as that had driven phil to risk being caught with him made him feel insane. he wrapped his legs around his waist, squeezing gently, phil's torso warm against his inner thighs. 

"you're so beautiful," he muttered, tugging on his silky hair. it wasn't often he gave him a compliment of that dimension, seeing as it seemed to make phil uncomfortable, but sometimes he really couldn't help it. it was times like these that made it possible for him to picture nothing had changed between them. and maybe it was shameful to still be so caught up in some unreachable daydream version of him... but it was so addicting to feel his hands on him and let it aid his delusion. 

in his imagination, phil cared about him. he wanted him just because he looked nice every day, not just once in a million.

phil just kissed him again, reaching for the buttons of his shirt. dan let him undo them, leaning into his touch eagerly. 

he was an angel. he was an actual angel, sent from heaven solely to make dan feel like this... and things were actually going well, maybe, just maybe, they were getting back on track... dan was in love with him, deeply, truly in love with phil and if it took hooking up with him like this in secret a thousand more times to have him see that, he'd-

"i actually have something to tell you," phil mumbled, pulling away again, pushing dan's shirt off his shoulders. "but it can wait... i'll tell you after." 

he moved to kiss him again, but dan held his hand out to stop him, resting his palm on his chest. 

"no, t-tell me now." he didn't want to spend a second of this worrying. he wanted to get whatever this was out of the way before he let his brain go so fuzzy that he wouldn't even remember to ask. "what is it?" 

phil rubbed his hip, and a beautiful chill ran up dan's spine. "it's funny, actually. i, um..." he paused, just for a second, smiling at him almost blankly. "i have a girlfriend now."

he leaned in again, right as dan's body went completely numb. 

-

hi