dan wound the pink silk ribbon around his fingers slowly, carefully, as if bandaging a wound. he tugged and cut off his own circulation. 

life felt so ever-changing recently. it'd been a month since he had talked to phil lester- really talked to him, at least. been alone with him. it had been a few days since he'd talked at all. 

the bus rattled and dan grabbed the edge of the seat so he wouldn't fall, his chewed-short nails digging into the rough leather. as it came to a stop he stared at his hands, his pink knuckles and pale skin that was now interwoven with silk.

kids began pouring off the bus, shoving past him, but dan just sat and waited patiently until he was the last one on before he got up. the bus driver gave him a reprimanding look, as if dan was the troublemaker for being slower than everyone else.

dan hopped down the bus's steps and gasped when he nearly ran into a blond haired boy who was standing a few steps from the door. dan looked up into his face and immediately bit his lip, hard enough to split it.

"hi," jackson breathed. "are you okay?"

it was such a loaded question that dan couldn't even begin to answer it. he just blinked at him and wrapped his ribbons tighter around his knuckles. 

jackson sighed, leaning over a bit so they were at eye level. "dan... did i do something?" he said, his voice soft. "did i hurt your feelings in some way? you've avoided me for ages. i didn't want to say anything, i thought i might have made you uncomfortable..."

it felt like dan's insides were being squeezed with a ribbon, rather than his fingers. he wrapped and unwrapped them quicker. he wasn't even talking to phil, yet he still had the overwhelming compliance to obey what he'd told him to do.

"i can't talk to you," dan said, his voice scratchy from misuse. he looked away. 

"why not?" jackson asked. his voice was still soft. dan couldn't help thinking that any second he'd start shouting.

"phil said so."

jackson's face instantly darkened and dan shrunk away automatically. jackson reached out, though, and touched his arm. "you don't have to do what he says. you aren't his pet."

"i know that," dan muttered defiantly. jackson nodded.

"that's good..." he paused, watching dan's face. "do you like hanging out with me?"

dan hesitated before nodding slowly. he'd been the only one to make dan happy since phil had been able to. jackson's face lit up as if he just couldn't contain it. 

"hang out with me, then. screw phil. i'll beat him up if he tries to interfere." jackson made an exaggerated hand movement with his fist to signal beating someone up, and dan giggled, bringing his ribbon to his mouth. 

"okay," he whispered. jackson searched his face, beaming.

"yeah?"

"yeah."

his smile widened even more, until dan had the thought that it had to hurt him.

"okay," he breathed. "cool. i'll see you in history."

dan nodded. "bye."

"bye." jackson whirled around and rushed off, presumably to talk to his friends on the other side of the courtyard. dan watched him go, the anxiety settling back in. he was directly disregarding what phil had told him to do, what would phil say?

would he even say anything? in a sick, sad way, dan hoped he did something. dan just wanted to hear his voice directed at him again, even if it was in a shout. dan didn't care anymore. he wanted any part of him he could have.

dan had his theories about him. he could tell he was hurting, he wasn't being an asshole for absolutely no reason, dan knew him. he knew he wasn't like that, and he wasn't a different person. he was just... hurting. 

maybe if dan could figure out why, he could help him. maybe phil would be his best friend again. maybe he'd want to love him.

dan tugged on the ribbons again and started for the front door. whatever happened, he missed phil. he'd meant what he'd said, he knew him. and who he was right now wasn't him. 

it was only a matter of time.