it soon became apparent that dan couldn't breathe when he was around. maybe that was why he couldn't seem to find a coherent thought either; the lack of oxygen flowing to his brain.

he stopped talking to jackson. even when he smiled at him in math and asked him if he wanted to hang out at his house, which dan would love due to his not great situation at home, he shook his head and avoided his eyes. it hurt, but not as bad as he thought it should have. there was something wrong with him.

but phil seemed happy.

things were changing everywhere. dan was noticing things. the way he had to shave more often, and how his voice wasn't quite as squeaky when he spoke, and how, somehow, his hair seemed to be getting even curlier and fluffier. his mother patted his head in the kitchen one morning while dan was shoveling cereal in his mouth and told him he looked like a wood nymph. dan wasn't quite sure what that meant, but he liked how it sounded.

but that wasn't all dan had noticed. mostly, he noticed things about phil, which wasn't new.

he noticed too many things to count, but still, he tried. he started writing them down in the break before third period when he caught a glimpse of phil in the hallway.

his hair was growing out. phil had started cutting it shorter a bit after summer camp, but now it seemed almost as if he had forgotten about it. he had licks of black (and sometimes, to both dan's joy and horror, light brownish strands near his roots) hair surrounding his neck, often sticking out in odd angles. his freckles had nearly disappeared altogether, but sometimes dan discovered a new one in a place he hadn't expected it, like on the palm of his hand or the top of his spine, and he hated to admit it was always the highlight of his day.

but dan noticed more physical things too. the way phil was more than a bit taller than him at this point, and the way he walked with pride, and the way his back slouched when he sat down. he was extremely jealous of the girls who stopped by phil's arm like it was a cheap motel, when the only way dan would ever treat his arms was as a home.

anyways. when phil was around, dan couldn't breathe, which proved to be quite a problem one afternoon right after their final classes for the day.

dan was walking to his locker. he had learned to enjoy the solitude in this mundane task, not that he was really alone, not at all. the hallways were always flooded to the brim with students, rushing to get away from their education as quickly as physically possible. sometimes one of them even payed dan any mind; jeered at him, or even gave him a shove or a muttered threat. dan was used to those things. instead, he focused on the fact that his own footsteps aligned with no one else's; the pattern of the tiles he stepped on was original and new to him, even six times a day. solitude in its truest form.

he was so locked into this thought process that for a second he didn't even feel the jarringly familiar slender fingers tugging at the back of his collar. finally though, he did notice, and jolted to attention.

firm hands spun him around and he blushed when he realized he hadn't done that himself yet. he looked up at the solstice, the reason he saw stars throughout the day and the lack of oxygen in his lungs at that very moment.

"h-h-hi."

phil smiled at him, but not in a real way. "hey, dan."

"hi."

phil's eyebrows arched and dan felt weak in the knees. "you said that already."

"right."

"so." the boy peered at him from under dandelion seed eyelashes. dan wanted to blow on them to see if they'd scatter. "i had to ask you something." (dan dared to let his heartbeat stop, just for a second.) "i always see you writing in that notebook, or journal...? whatever it is. i wanna see it."

a brash sort of brisk manner leaked into his tone and dan snapped himself out of it. "what?"

phil looked almost stern. "you know what i'm talking about. i know you do."

dan blinked. he felt almost offended by how suddenly phil had accused him of being a liar, but that wasn't what was going to make him cry after a day of far worse things than phil lester. at least that was what he told himself.

"oh... y-yeah. but you can't r-read it."

phil's expression darkened, ridged at the edges. "aren't you over that fucking stutter yet? give me the goddamn notebook, dan."

dan took a step back. his words felt like a slap to the face and suddenly his chest burned, the flames licking up how throat and filling his mouth with stinging bile. "why d-do you want it?" he forced out, taking a second step back. phil looked so annoyed with him that dan believed for a second he really was the most obnoxious person alive.

in a breath phil's fingers were wrapped around his backpack strap and dan was against the wall, pinned between the boy of his dreams and the lockers, but not in the way he had thought about.

"because i know you're writing about me." phil's eyes were so cold, dan could feel the ice creeping under his skin, and he let it. "hand it over, freak."

dan stared him down. he didn't care if he froze solid, he needed those eyes on him. he needed them boring into him, he wanted to see his breath leave his lips like fog in winter. phil's grip was tight, far too tight, but dan welcomed the contact.

but even dan hadn't apprehended the words that left his own lips.

"i love you."

phil's expression faltered against his will and even his hold on dan loosened for a split second. "wh-"

dan nodded slowly. he wouldn't lose phil's eyes, he wouldn't look away no matter how bad it hurt or how fast his heart was racing, he wouldn't blink. he didn't want to lose a second. he fought not to stutter.

"i love you."

all the muscles in phil's neck and jaw tightened. "shut up." he slammed dan against the lockers again and the back of dan's head hit hard. tears stung his eyes. "say it again, dare you."

he was so close. again, not the way dan had wanted, but he would take it. god, he would take anything.

now dan closed his tear filled eyes and prepared for impact. "i love you."

no impact came. one second dan was being held against the wall so hard he was fairly certain the blood was leaving his arms, and the next his feet were flat on the floor and the solid warmth of phil's fingers had dissipated.

and the next second dan was watching the brown hair on the back of his neck get farther away as he walked away from him.

-

i'm so sorry if this chapter is shitty hfhfgg but it was in my mind thank u